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AIBU?

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Original poster

I’ve never been hugged by either of my parents. I was wondering how usual/unusual this is.

204 replies

IdiotWhoDoesIdioticThings · 10/05/2023 19:48

Every once in a while when I read here about family hugging and even more so cuddling I just go ”people actually do that?!” and I was wondering if anyone else’s family is/was like that. Your childhood family or the one you’ve made.

And bonus question, for me this also extent to friends. Honestly I donmt think I even know how or when to hug. Is that sad?

For reference I was raised by boomers and I’m an only child and extended family is small also, no physical show of affection from anyone.

YANBU - no hugs here either
YABU - some or lots of physical touch in our family

OP posts:
womenoftheworldtakeover · 10/05/2023 20:48

I feel for you op. My mum never hugged me. I think my dad has a few times when drunk. I remember so much of my childhood wishing I’d get a hug from my mum but the being really standoffish if friends/acquaintances wanted to hug me. Thankfully I’m very warm with my own children and it has come naturally!

Outnumberedmummy2022 · 10/05/2023 20:49

Pretty mild for my mother. But yes I agree appalling all the same

Yoohoo778611 · 10/05/2023 20:49

I come from a family of not only huggers but kisses as well.
Where as DHs family wouldn't know how to hug someone.
I can honestly say Mil has never ever kissed her grandchildren.
And she was fantastic with them all.

She used to say I don't need to show affection as they all know I love them
to both her sons and grandchildren.
The day we got married I tried to kiss her on the cheek she just froze.

MummyJ36 · 10/05/2023 20:51

Oh OP I’m sorry. I had a friend once who kept a “hug dairy” where she documented every time her mum hugged her. It was so sad and I felt desperately unhappy for her. A hug is so important in life. The hugs I received as a child and the hugs I give to my own children are so incredibly special to me.

JoDolce · 10/05/2023 20:52

Hardly any hugging as an older child or adult that I can remember. We probably did as young children & I can remember physical, tactile play with parents as a young child. My gp's weren't huggers or kissers either, & I'm afraid I've been the same with my dc once they got older, except for when there's been a death of a close relative. I think they would cringe if I started hugging them now, as I would have with my parents. I'm a hugger with friends, but that's because they reach out first. Sometimes friends have hugged me in front of my family & I find it so embarrassing to hug friends but not family!
I don't feel I missed out, we're just not tactile as a family. What we have been is a close & warm family & always there for each other. We don't need hugs, kisses & lots of I love you's to be said, we just know that we all do. I can't even remember telling my dad whilst I've been an adult that I loved him, but he knew & I knew that he loved me. Except on WhatsApp when he was dying of covid but still able to read the messages & hear the phone call with the help of a nurse. Then it was telling him we all loved him & literally begging him to get better. Just wish we could have said it to his face, but of course we weren't allowed 😪😪

Arxx · 10/05/2023 20:54

I could count on one hand the number of times I’ve been hugged by my parents too. It has only ever been in really extreme circumstances. They have always ‘shown’ they love me in other ways but have almost never actually said it. I can’t think of a time when they ever have and it has taken until the last few years, now I have my own kids, that I’ve realised that I think it has majorly affected me as an adult. I think it’s made me quite shy, I’m not a ‘hugger’ (neither is my sibling) and I’m not sure how best to describe me but I can be quite distant and struggle to let others in. For this reason I’ve never had one best friend, have a large group of friends but never rely soly on one person or let them get too close to me. I’ve started to struggle randomly with a type of social anxiety in the last couple of years and I think it all comes from a lack of confidence from being raised this way 😔 It’s sad though because they do love me and show it in so many other ways but obviously have their own personal issues with showing affection/love

Newname2323 · 10/05/2023 20:54

My mum is very affectionate and would love me to hug her, unfortunately I take after my dad and turn into an ironing board when someone tries to hug me. I can't remember watching my parents be affectionate to one another growing up, which may explain the way I am, it's something I struggle with but I'm trying to break that with my own DC

Saschka · 10/05/2023 20:55

Outnumberedmummy2022 · 10/05/2023 20:20

your not alone. I remember trying to hug my mum I was around 8/9 years old and she said ‘stop touching me you lesbian’ I’ve never ever forgotten it.
I’m not a particularly affectionate person myself but I never ever say no to a cuddle or kiss from my children.

That is terrible, but also a super-weird response from her - how on earth does anyone go from their child hugging them to “lesbian”??

TheNecessaryWoman · 10/05/2023 20:56

Clariana · 10/05/2023 19:53

Same as you OP, no hugs from family ever, or since I was old enough to remember anyway, and my parents have never said "I love you" either.

Same here. My dad died when I was a young child but my mother has never hugged me or told me she loves me. She tells my children she loves them though - infact she's OTT with them, so they think she's lovely. Hey ho.

TheCatterall · 10/05/2023 20:59

My parents weren’t huggers as a child - not that I can remember. None of us have been a very touchy feely family. But we love and feel loved and express love to each other.

I was born in 74 - have a brother and his experience is the same. My folks are 82 and 73 now.

Im much more expressive and hands on with my children and partner. All the hugging occurs now.

That said - I have struggled with hugging friends and others I meet.

Thea91 · 10/05/2023 20:59

I hug my DS all the time he's only 3 though. I hug my Mum , Dad , brothers, step mum, friends etc everytime I see them and everytime we say goodbye . My mum and dad are divorced but definitely huggers , I've always thought my dad wasn't affectionate to me but maybe he is . He hugs me multiple times throughout the day when I'm with him.

This got me thinking though my DP family have never hugged him that I've seen . I've just asked he can't remember ever been hugged or told they love him !

Mum2jenny · 10/05/2023 20:59

I personally don’t like hugs from anyone. I feel it infringes my personal space. I do let gcs hug me but definitely no adults.

CustardySergeant · 10/05/2023 21:01

Mum2jenny · 10/05/2023 20:59

I personally don’t like hugs from anyone. I feel it infringes my personal space. I do let gcs hug me but definitely no adults.

Do your children know you love them (if you do)?

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 10/05/2023 21:04

I'm 40, child of boomers. I hated being hugged as a child. Still kind of don't really like it except from my own kids.

I've warmed up to my mum as I've got older but it still feels a bit weird. Don't know or particularly care if that's unusual tbh.

TotheletterofthelawTHELETTER · 10/05/2023 21:04

My parents weren’t particularly huggy people. Can’t really remember many hugs from either of them. And they never said I love you. We have a good relationship though.
I’ve been sure to be affectionate with my DD and tell her I love her often.

thefatpotato · 10/05/2023 21:05

I only see my Mum once a year or less (live abroad) but when I do we cuddle lots. I love it and so does she.

BinkyBeaufort · 10/05/2023 21:05

I'm a 50s child and don't remember ever having a hug from my mum until I gave her one when I was in my late 40s. She was so surprised and happy that I wonder why she held back for all those years. Lots of hugging after that, but I felt so sad for her.

neilyoungismyhero · 10/05/2023 21:06

Gtsr443 · 10/05/2023 19:52

You lost me at "boomers".

Me too.

BananaSpanner · 10/05/2023 21:12

My mum was born 1943, I was born late 70s. She hugged/cuddled me loads and regularly told me she loved me from my earliest memories to adulthood. She was the same with my children. She died in March, I miss her hugs.

HollyFern1110 · 10/05/2023 21:14

I, like you, grew up in a hug free household. My parents never told me they loved me, even though I'm pretty sure they did.

I hug my DCs whenever they'll let me & I tell 11 year old DD that I love her everyday. My adult DCs look at me like I've gone a bit crazy if I say it to them 😂.

Grimbelina · 10/05/2023 21:16

Boomer parents here and I am sure I was hugged quite a lot as a chid... I just can't remember! I am certainly very loving and tactile with my children.

My father in the last few years of his life, started telling me how much he loved me, how proud he was of me every time he saw me and kissed and hugged me. He wasn't very well and it was incredibly moving. I feel lucky he had the time to show his those feelings. Actually makes me want to cry thinking about it.

WilsonMilson · 10/05/2023 21:16

I feel sad for you op. I was very much hugged as a child, told how much I was loved and how fantastic I was at everything. I am still very cuddly now. I was probably too mollycoddled though as I was an only child and very much overprotected and smothered - that brought it’s own issues. They fuck us up, our parents do, even the really well intentioned ones.

My DH is the eldest in a big family of siblings and it just about broke my heart when he told me that he never remembers being hugged as a child and that one time aged about 10 he burst into tears to his mum saying that all he wanted was a cuddle. Poor wee lamb.
His mother is a cold sort of woman, very self interested and was a real social climber in her day, his dad was old school austere disciplinarian father. It definitely drove DH to be a high achiever as he’s always looking for external validation. Thankfully he is very cuddly like me, but he is much more needy than I am and always wants affection, attention and needs to be appreciated. He gets it in bucket loads from me, so hopefully that makes up for his not so warm childhood.

I try to strike a balance with DS. Not so smothering that he fails to develop resilience and independence (I struggled with that), but warm enough that he knows he is very loved and valued.

Mum2jenny · 10/05/2023 21:20

Custardyseargeant of course my kids know I love them, you don’t need to hug a person to show love. Personally I find most huggers very insincere

Ihaveshitfriends · 10/05/2023 21:23

My parents are also boomers and mum isn’t very affectionate but Dad is. He is terminally ill now so we can cuddle before when he was just “vulnerable” we weren’t allowed. I bought us FP3 masks and we all cuddled in the garden at Christmas during Covid. I will treasure that moment till my dying day, he was so happy to have a hug after so long without.

ladycarlotta · 10/05/2023 21:28

takealettermsjones · 10/05/2023 20:04

Sorry I'm missing the point a little - but what's the difference between a hug and a cuddle? 🤔

I was hugged, yes. I don't particularly like hugging my parents but I do it when they instigate it. I love hugging my kids, but I make sure I ask first.

A hug, I think, would be a brief or brief-ish gesture of standing up and putting your arms round each other, esp when greeting or saying goodbye. I'd do that with my friends and family members. A cuddle would be more like snuggling up close on the sofa for an extended period. I'd have done that with friends when I was a student/house sharing but these days it's just for my partner and kids.