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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’ve never been hugged by either of my parents. I was wondering how usual/unusual this is.

204 replies

IdiotWhoDoesIdioticThings · 10/05/2023 19:48

Every once in a while when I read here about family hugging and even more so cuddling I just go ”people actually do that?!” and I was wondering if anyone else’s family is/was like that. Your childhood family or the one you’ve made.

And bonus question, for me this also extent to friends. Honestly I donmt think I even know how or when to hug. Is that sad?

For reference I was raised by boomers and I’m an only child and extended family is small also, no physical show of affection from anyone.

YANBU - no hugs here either
YABU - some or lots of physical touch in our family

OP posts:
MintJulia · 11/05/2023 00:16

Oh and I am a 'boomer', just. I received the same affectionless treatment as you did. But as I said, I hug my teen ds regularly, tell him I love him every day.

OP, perhaps you don't mean to imply anything unpleasant about 'boomers' but it comes across as insulting and ageist nevertheless.

A lot of us received exactly the same treatment as you. We are the same as you. It has nothing to do with age. Or having a repressed childhood, since I am the opposite with my dc. Probably more to do with worrying what other people would think, which is a pretty limp excuse for parenting in my view.

MermaidMummy06 · 11/05/2023 00:55

Never from my parents. Pretty much ignored, really. Hence why my DC are constantly cuddled & told they're loved.

However, DP's hug and say I love you to my two DC. Can't get enough of them and play games, take them on bike rides, etc. I got told to go away as a child.

My parents only just now make eye contact and treat me like a person that matters because DF had a major health issue recently and it was me, not the precious penis owning sibling who looked after everything (he visited for 24 hours, under duress). It's only just dawned on them that they're getting older & need care.

echt · 11/05/2023 01:04

My parents, born at the end of IWW, rarely hugged, but their love and pride in us was never doubted by me or my siblings. Also working class, which might have some bearing.

Just writing this has brought back the memory of when hugging on meeting became a social norm - 70s I think. I had to take a deep breath and fake it. I wasn't repulsed or embarrassed, just recognising something entirely out of my experience.

As a contrast DD and I always hug, tell each other we love you. Same when DH was alive, though we did not hold hands walking down the street, something which is very common in my part of Australia.

DiscoBeat · 11/05/2023 01:11

We've always been very tactile, lots of hugs. But DH grew up not hugging. It does vary, doesn't it.

mathanxiety · 11/05/2023 01:31

No hugging here either, OP, but we did kiss on the cheek.
I blame boarding school; both parents went. From what they said about their experiences there, I gather their schools were places where the mortification of the flesh was a Big Thing. But obv their families were OK with that, so it may be a case of the chicken and the egg.

EmbraWumman · 11/05/2023 01:49

Watching my very huggy teenager hug my very (boarding school educated, 75yo) unhuggy mum is so funny. Mum tries but doesn't get it!
Her attempt at being a loving mum was to admonish me as a teen by saying ' I love you very much but right now I don't like you'. She tried to be more demonstrative than her absent parents but was not tactile. I'm middle of two brothers - eldest unhuggy, younger a hugger so maybe she softened over time.
We are all a product of our upbringing to an extent! I can take or leave hugs but if my kids want one, I have trained myself to and count to 20 in my head as I once read that's how long it takes for the endorphins to be released and i think that's true.

Devpatelslaughingeyes · 11/05/2023 03:03

Clariana · 10/05/2023 19:53

Same as you OP, no hugs from family ever, or since I was old enough to remember anyway, and my parents have never said "I love you" either.

Same here. My cuddles came from aunties and grandparents. I think my parents saw it as weakness to show any sign of affection to us kids or, in front if us, to each other. It was also a divide and rule game that operated in our family. The end result was that we grew up with a very skewed idea of what a loving family relationship was. There was no affection and our upbringing was quite harsh. I didn’t want that and my kids have grown up cuddled to within an inch of their lives and told regularly how much they are loved. The end result here is very different in that we have confident, well adjusted children who have grown into amazing and loving parents themselves. Within the family they have none of the self-doubt and insecurities that my siblings and I had. They know they are loved.

To the poster who said to start hugging people, hmmmm, that in my experience is a bit short sighted. My mum would (and did) bat that away with ‘I don’t want a kiss!’ Or a hug, whatever was offered. All the time I knew she needed one but there was an impenetrable barrier. It’s not so simple as to just start hugging people..

ChristmasCwtch · 11/05/2023 03:06

Neither of my parents were huggy. I was close to my mum growing up and loved getting in bed with her and chatting, always called every day, but I don’t remember hugging.

Nowadays I hug my DC all the time and they spend most of our time at home sitting on me 🥰 They’re still primary age though. I’ll have to buy a puppy when they get too old to want to cuddle me 😆

wandawaves · 11/05/2023 04:06

My mum's the same OP. No hugs, no I love you's, no compliments. And conversely, no criticisms either ie "your school marks are very poor, I think you need to study a bit". Also, no advocacy for when ermmm... bad things... happened to me as a kid. Basically no parenting whatsoever, we just co-existed really.

I have made very sure to not raise my kids that way. I'm honestly disgusted at the parenting I was given as a kid.

aramox1 · 11/05/2023 04:39

Similar here, not touchless but hugs very rare. Parents born in the 20s/30s. Kisses / hugs when we met as adults. Definitely no cuddling after toddler age! I'm a huggy parent but my kid said firmly no in early teens. I'm still not great at social physical contact.

FrozenGhost · 11/05/2023 04:46

My parents are aged 70 and never hugged us or each other, except when we were babies. They wouldn't say I love you and they'd die rather than give a compliment. But it doesn't bother me, that was normal for their time. It wouldn't be fair to compare to what many families are like now, 30 years later.

Pollywoddles · 11/05/2023 04:54

I don’t remember my Dad ever hugging me. My Mum did but not routinely. She likes to do it now but I always think about how strange it feels when she does and I’d rather not.

suburbophobe · 11/05/2023 05:05

I'm a so-called boomer. (I hate people being put into boxes).

I hug my child, and hug anyone who needs/wants one.

Life is cold enough already....

Vavazoom · 11/05/2023 05:28

My family don't hug. I used to kiss my parents good night before I went to bed and I remember when I was young making a conscious decision that I didn't want to do that anymore. I don't like hugging, my friends know not to do it. I do however cuddle my young children all the time and I couldn't imagine stopping. The thought of not getting to cuddle my children makes me so sad, so I can't imagine how or why my parents stopped but it must have been when I was very young because I don't remember ever being hugged. I think it is partly that they aren't very demonstrative but show their love in other ways and may partly have been driven by me - I'm very self contained and don't think I was very physically affectionate even as a child.

Thighlengthboots · 11/05/2023 05:32

Same here. Never any hugs from my parents. I have made a point of doing the opposite with my kids and I hug them daily and tell them I love them. I also hug my friends. Its so lovely and healthy to demonstrate how you feel and I am glad my kids wont experience the emotional distance that I did when I was a child.

FatAgain · 11/05/2023 05:34

Maybe they don’t hug you cos you call them shit like boomers ??

Starseeking · 11/05/2023 05:41

First time my parents hugged me was the day they dropped me off to uni at age 18. I froze, as I was so shocked given they'd never done that before, and still don't, now I'm early 40's.

My parents grew up with in an era and country where people were just happy surviving, and emotional wellbeing was not considered.

Now with my own young DC, I've hugged, kissed and shown them affection every single day of their lives, and will continue to do so. Funyun enough my parents display similar (lots of hugs and kisses) with my DC.

Yants · 11/05/2023 05:46

Never hugged or cuddled or told I love you.

Both of my parents are two of the most selfish, self absorbed, self obsessed, self centred narcissists you could ever wish to meet. Neither of them are even cut out to be in a relationship with another person as they're both so utterly self focused.

It's always remained a complete mystery to me why they got together, got married, had kids, I'm guessing they did it just to conform to social norms rather than because they wanted to offer love, commitment and companionship to each other or their children.

tiutinkerbell · 11/05/2023 05:53

Lots of hugging here. All through my childhood there was hugging/cuddling with my parents and even now we always hug when we see each other or saying goodbye, if we hear good/bad news, if someone just needs cheering up. We also tell each other we love each other often.

My Mom's been diagnosed with terminal cancer and so each one of these hugs with both of them is even more precious than they already were.

Oblomov23 · 11/05/2023 06:00

You must know this isn't right. If you don't know then you have even bigger problems. Why have you never had counselling? Please book some.

Zippedydoo123 · 11/05/2023 06:01

No hugs whatsoever from either of my parents but I was loved and appreciated every step of the way by both of them. They were born in the 1920s and it was very much a generational thing to not show physical affection. Learned behaviour from their own parents no doubt.

MyTruthIsOut · 11/05/2023 06:08

Me and my sister were born in the 80’s and our mum never hugged us.

I remember trying to hug her once when I was 10 year old and she froze before eventually pushing me away.

When I was 16 I had agonising toothache one day, it was unbearable and I was in so much pain and I tried to hug my mum and again she just pushed me away because she was extremely uncomfortable.

I’m almost 40 now and a few weeks ago I had to call my mom and ask her to come over (I was in an awful state with my anxiety and I was having a genuine medical crisis) and when she arrived I was clearly scared and I was crying my eyes out….and she just stood and looked at me. She was completely unable to offer me any comfort. I really, really wanted a hug but I knew there was no point bothering.

Im so, so tactile with my own children, I never stop hugging them and telling them that I love them. I just don’t understand how mothers wouldn’t do this? It’s very important to me that my children know how loved they are because I know what it’s like to never have affection from a mother and it’s really crap.

SkippingTown · 11/05/2023 06:18

I was never hugged/cuddled by either of my parents and they never told me they loved me, I’m not sure they ever did. I’m not sure they are capable of loving anyone. They were both more bothered by how they appeared to others and sickeningly, could be a little affectionate to random people. Other people’s praise meant everything to them.

There was lots of physical/emotional abuse between them and to me and my sibling, if we ever talked of our feelings we were made to feel stupid and weak. I spent years in therapy trying to repair the damage caused and I don’t have any contact with them now. It’s a complicated situation and childhoods like that really mess you up. It’s fucked up my brother too and ultimately broken our relationship.

I’m completely different with my own children. They’re teenagers/young adults now and I don’t think there’s a day gone by that both me and their dad haven’t told them we love them. We all hug/kiss to say hello and goodbye and they will hug us and each other randomly. If my older ones are away from us, they’ll text to tell us they love us. They openly talk about their feelings and what’s going on in their lives and we’re all very close. Both me and my partner have good friends, we’ve all blended into one big group over the years. We all hug.

mrsblueskyeye · 11/05/2023 06:38

Clariana · 10/05/2023 19:53

Same as you OP, no hugs from family ever, or since I was old enough to remember anyway, and my parents have never said "I love you" either.

Same here, but I have always known how much they love me. All families are different. Youngest son hugs me often, eldest son never.

Noicant · 11/05/2023 06:42

Yeah my parents did the side hug max. I struggle to show DD physical affection, I have to remind myself and I’ve told her if she ever needs a hug to let me know because I’m always up for a hug (just to make sure if it doesn’t occur to me that she still gets one). It’s awful to admit and it makes me feel quite sad and wretched because I love my daughter so much yet I have to consciously remind myself to do it.