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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’ve never been hugged by either of my parents. I was wondering how usual/unusual this is.

204 replies

IdiotWhoDoesIdioticThings · 10/05/2023 19:48

Every once in a while when I read here about family hugging and even more so cuddling I just go ”people actually do that?!” and I was wondering if anyone else’s family is/was like that. Your childhood family or the one you’ve made.

And bonus question, for me this also extent to friends. Honestly I donmt think I even know how or when to hug. Is that sad?

For reference I was raised by boomers and I’m an only child and extended family is small also, no physical show of affection from anyone.

YANBU - no hugs here either
YABU - some or lots of physical touch in our family

OP posts:
Mariposista · 10/05/2023 20:28

We are not a huge family neither. But there is so much love there.
I am able to hug others and show physical affection, but very much on my terms - if you get a hug from me, you're special haha but I show love and affection in other ways.

Outnumberedmummy2022 · 10/05/2023 20:28

I completely agree! As an adult now I realise how cold hearted she was. She isn’t in mine or my dcs lives xx just cuddle your own kids and pour into them all the love you wish you got xx

BakedTattie · 10/05/2023 20:29

I actually kiss my parents too, as well as hug. Like a cheek kiss and big cuddle.

Strawberry0909 · 10/05/2023 20:32

No hugging by parents since i can remember but we are very close, they hug my DC lots though! Never saw either sets of grandparents hug my parents, but again they did the DC

I'm not a hugger with friends, just DP and the DC

Dewflops · 10/05/2023 20:37

I've never been hugged by either of my parents, and they have never said they loved me. I don't think it's that uncommon in our culture (SE Asian). But their lack of warmth has affected me as an adult and I went NC from them last year.

I've had hugs with friends but that's partly down to the crowd I ended up hanging out with - lots of Europeans and creatives. I go along with it but don't feel like I have any emotional connection through it, it's just part of the ritual of seeing them.

I do like hugging my dc, who are preschoolers. I hug DH back but never initiate it and I rarely tell him that I love him.

ShowUs · 10/05/2023 20:39

Outnumberedmummy2022 · 10/05/2023 20:20

your not alone. I remember trying to hug my mum I was around 8/9 years old and she said ‘stop touching me you lesbian’ I’ve never ever forgotten it.
I’m not a particularly affectionate person myself but I never ever say no to a cuddle or kiss from my children.

That’s awful!!!

Original poster
IdiotWhoDoesIdioticThings · 10/05/2023 20:40

Have you got children yourself op?

No, I don’t have kids.
But I hug and cuddle with my dogs (my cat won’t let me 🤭).
So somehow I learned at least some affection.

OP posts:
VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji · 10/05/2023 20:41

Another one here who’s never been hugged. I’m now a weird acquaintance hugger, I don’t know when to do it and it’s weird when I do.

febrezeme · 10/05/2023 20:41

Not me personally but my ex husband was raised this way - only child - in 2 decades I never saw his parents hug, kiss or even so much as a hand shake or even hands/squeeze on the arm. No gestures of affection whatsoever. It definitely had a huge effect on him - I found he seemed very uncomfortable giving hugs and kisses even to me on occasion - hated displays of affection. I don't think he knew how to love If im honest and certainly not how to display affection and this started to filter down to his parenting.
It's a big part of why we divorced and deep down I blame his parents for their cold demeanour and how they raised him

(I'm a hugger from a family of huggers - all very tactile people who show affection and love outwardly)

thaegumathteth · 10/05/2023 20:41

No I've never been hugged by either parent that I can remember. Or told that they love me.

I tell my kids now I love them every day and one is more cuddly than the other but they know they're always welcome to one!

VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji · 10/05/2023 20:42

I do have kids, and I hug and kiss them every day. I tell them I love them everyday. I never want them to feel weird about affection.

Bonjovispjs · 10/05/2023 20:42

I'm 56 and was never hugged by my parents, I do hug my friends though.

PoshCoffee · 10/05/2023 20:42

My parents never showed physical attention when we were growing up. They were born in 1950 and I do wonder if it’s due to the, being raised by traumatised parents who had just come out of the war years. They’re better now, much better with my kids but I am in no doubt it scarred me as a child and I’m still dealing with the issues now.

ShowUs · 10/05/2023 20:43

I’ve never been hugged by my mum or dad or told I’m loved etc.

Whats even worse is that I don’t hug my DC either.

I am obsessed with my DD and love the bones of her but we never hug and I never say I love you.

I feel guilty all of the time but I don’t know how to change it.
It would now be weird if I just went and hugged her randomly.

We are both autistic and my mum most likely is too and we’re all a bit awkward with things like that but I never wanted that for me and my DD and I’m sad for her.

Improbablecat · 10/05/2023 20:43

My parents were born mid 50s and were both very affectionate! Still are. I could always count on mum and dad for a hug. I didn't really know my mum's parents but my dad's parents were also huggy people and I still give my 90yr old grandma a cuddle. So I don't think it's necessarily a blanket generational thing.

Borgonzola · 10/05/2023 20:44

I was a cuddly child and my parents tolerated it. We now don't hug at all. I kiss my mother on the cheek when I say hello and goodbye and I go to hug my dad but I can feel him freeze up when I do it.

Just one small thing on a very long list of problems there.

CustardySergeant · 10/05/2023 20:45

Clariana · 10/05/2023 19:53

Same as you OP, no hugs from family ever, or since I was old enough to remember anyway, and my parents have never said "I love you" either.

Same here. No hugs from parents, grandparents or anyone else. As for affectionate words, no, nothing from anyone. Simply no love.
I've had severe depression all my life. I'm now 69 and it's in my medical notes that I will always need anti-depressants. Therapists have said that I haven't just got low self esteem, I've got no self-esteem whatsoever.

Borgonzola · 10/05/2023 20:45

I should add that they're also late 40s boomers. I'm a millennial. I have a little girl and I cannot keep my hands off her!

Danikm151 · 10/05/2023 20:46

I can’t remember the last time I hugged my mom but I know they make her uncomfortable. She shows her love in other ways
I hug my friends and my son loads but hugs from people I’m not close to I cringe away from and do the back tap thing 😂

takealettermsjones · 10/05/2023 20:46

your not alone. I remember trying to hug my mum I was around 8/9 years old and she said ‘stop touching me you lesbian’ I’ve never ever forgotten it.

Holy fuck. That's appalling.

HarlanPepper · 10/05/2023 20:46

Neither my mum nor my dad were huggers or very physically demonstrative at all when I was a child. The first time I remember being hugged properly was my best friend at school - she was a very squeezy hugger (she still is) and I half liked it, half didn't.

My mum hugs more now she is older - me, my children, even my husband. It's nice. My dad and I would awkwardly hug every time we said hello and goodbye in adulthood (when I saw him once or twice a year), I think both out of a sense that we should, but it didn't come naturally to either of us.

Busbygirl · 10/05/2023 20:47

Boomers. 🙄

Borgonzola · 10/05/2023 20:47

@CustardySergeant no I love yous for me either. No compliments, no excitement, no positive emotions whatsoever. Polite interest when I did well at school. Never ask me any questions about how my life is going. Have never indicated that they like me, are proud of me, or enjoy my company.

I'm also going through therapy as I have real trouble letting my partner in, probably because I learnt to be emotionally closed from a young age.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/05/2023 20:47

I'm so glad you have dogs and get physical affection from them, and give it. Reading this thread I want to give all of you a hug (and I'm not a hugger).

Just to make it clear, it is healthy, happy and 'normal' to hug your children, comfort them when they're sad or crying, kiss them, compliment them and tell them you love them.

And for those on this thread who didn't get that, it's them not you. You are worthy of love and care.

Saschka · 10/05/2023 20:48

takealettermsjones · 10/05/2023 20:04

Sorry I'm missing the point a little - but what's the difference between a hug and a cuddle? 🤔

I was hugged, yes. I don't particularly like hugging my parents but I do it when they instigate it. I love hugging my kids, but I make sure I ask first.

Age! Children cuddle, adults hug. IMO.

When your child throws both their arms around your neck and clings on like a limpet, that is a cuddle. When you put your arm around your mum and kiss her cheek, that is a hug.