To think this is outrageous from the school?

[HarryViles]

DS is just 4. He is at pre-school attached to a private school. He had an awful first few months there - very unsettled and unable to concentate - to the point where he is now on waiting list for ASD diagonsis as the pre-school's recommendation.

However, the last few months he has been doing so well. They have always been a little cold but they are professional and followed the local authority's advice and he has responded very well. They tell me all the time how much progress he is making and friends/familiy comment on the incrase in confidence/verbal etc.

Long story short - I went to a meeting today to see about him going to reception to the school in Sep this year - I know they have places.

(He does have a space at a local state school which seems great - just big class sizes but lovely kids and teachers)

The private school told me they couldn't cater for him as well as the state system, and that 'kids like him are better suited in the state system because they have the resources'. They said 'those schools can do things like sensory rooms, breakout areas, and with additional funding can provide 121 support - we can't and won't do any of that as we simply don't have the resources' (the fees are £20k plus a year). The Senco then said "it's not our fault the government don't give us additional money for kids with challenges".

They also said "our governors want us to be more competitive academically, so they are going to invest in that, not support for kids who are strugglign. sorry to be blunt but that's the way it is"

Obviously I don't want him to go there now. We can't barely afford the fees by the way but he's really doing well there - he has friends, he runs in every day, he comes home and tells me what he's learnt - the change in his is enormous so would sell a leg to continue that if I could.

They keep telling me how bright and funny he is, and then when I say about him staying they say "no no, kids like yours aren't catered for here"

He's barely 4 years old.

Isnt' that discrimantory? I feel angry. I know he won't go there. But can private schools basically do what the F they like?

Of course they can. They are about results and reputation, not getting the best out of children.
I'm glad you have a decent state school, OP.

No, it’s a private school, they can be selective if they want. You know this. Part of the reason people pay for the private system is selection.

They may be quite wrong about your son (and I expect they know that) but right now they don’t want kids with special needs because their budgets are squeezed and they want to put resources into mainstream education because that’s where most of the kids are.

It’s a very competitive time for private schools so it’s understandable. And we don’t have a system like say Ireland where private schools can access some state funding.

Is there another private option if you think the state school classes are too big? There will unusually be a non selective option if you look - some private schools focus on that corner of the market.

They are all about results. At least they are being honest. Would be worse for him to start and have him sat in a corner not learning anything

I just sat there and smiled throughout - all "oh yes you're right - my wretched child couldn't possibly keep up with the great and the good"- they were so bloody patronising and i just smiled and nodded while listening to them basically saying my tiny boy who tries his bloody hardest isn't academic - no 4 year old is academic - he's bloody 4.

Sorry - i feel angry. But maybe I'm just beign emotional and not rational about the whole thing.

Yes. They can.

my eldest (ASD and learning difficulties) was turned down for a preschool place at a private school. She went in, sat beautifully (other 3 year olds didn’t); listened to the story (not all the others did); waited nicely for a biscuit at snack time, and tidied up her cup; played beautifully and chatted when being assessed. Was turned down because ‘not what we expected’. Basically, they didn’t want her, and there was little I could do to change their mind.

try to see it as the school’s loss. They do t get the privilege of having your child attend. They miss out on his humour, his quirkiness, his brilliance.

it hurts, a lot - my eldest just got turned down for a place at a SN college because the college cannot meet my/her expectations, and it still hurts. But I stand by my statement - they are the ones missing out. Another college jumped at the chance to offer her a place, and they will get the pleasure of her company and all-round awesomeness.

They can afford it far better than the state school. If they wanted to.

They simply don't want your child there and are pushing him out the side door as he won't get the results they want.

Welcome to private schools.

They’re not being discriminatory - they’ve not outright said he has to leave, just that they don’t have the resources to give him the extra stuff he needs.

That’s their choice I’m afraid

To be brutally honest they’ve made it clear they don’t want him there, and clearly they have enough students waiting to be enrolled that they aren’t bothered you’re not sending him. If you have the kind of cash that £20k is just about doable, then the absolute best thing you could do is state school for primary, see how he gets on in secondary and out the money saved aside so you can get extra tutoring as needed and pay his fees so he won’t have university debt if he goes.

I’ve one with adhd and one with asd and hand on heart it’s going to be a challenge anywhere, but in a state school you’ve got a lot more people you can complain too when things go wrong.

m and that money could do so many other things for him rather than a slightly smaller classroom when he’s little.

Mira not a nice feeling being told something like that, and I’m really sorry you’ve been made to feel like this, but could be a blessing in the end

I used to with as a 1-1 TA in a private school. The child's parents paid my salary on top of full school fees. Must have come to around 30k a year for a non-prestigious day school education. Their son may well have been better off in state.

*work

In September, at age 4, he’ll make new friends and he’ll be used to a new school with a day or so. So don’t worry about that. Put your spare money into supporting a squeezed state school with extras - then you’ll be helping more children.

Btw, my younger 2 (also ASD) have both been accepted, and thrived at, a different private school. It is possible to find one which will accept your child for who they are. Prep school was happy to accept them both. Secondary - dc2 has absolutely thrived at a small nurturing school, dc3 will start at a small school catering for quirky children in September.

(eldest also attended private SN school, as that was what met her needs best ultimately)

I knew they were selective in later years - and that there are entrance exams etc of course i kow that.

But at 4. to turn him down due to suspected neurodiversity. that i didn't expect. especially when they also tell me he's made amazing progress in all areas.

It's a weird one as I don't want him to go there anymore - their loss - but I feel angry and defensive over him.

i'm afraid that is how private schools work - they don't have extra 121 support for kids who need it, and they are not set up to help autistic kids.

the state school will probably be a much better option, and save the money that you would spend on fees for other support or secondary school.

I'm sorry, it really stings. You will come up against his over and over again though so I'm afraid it just become boring in the end.

They’re a business and everything you’ve been told is true. If you opt out of the state sector you’ll have to pay for every bit of additional support needed.

It’s horrible, but at least they’ve shown you their priorities early on. They don’t care and won’t offer support, if that is their attitude he is better off elsewhere. Absolutely understand you feeling upset though, I would be too.

Find a school (private or state) that can demonstrate to you how they want the best for your little boy, to support him to reach his potential (whatever it may be), and to feel happy, secure and safe there. Best of luck.

The issue they will have is that if he needs 1:1 support the fees you pay per year won't even cover the wages of that person, and being private they can't get that member of staff funded like state school can.

If your son does indeed have SEN then this discussion you had was probably the first and last time you will have such honesty from people involved with his education.
Thankfully if you get the right help within the state system including an EHCP ( which you can apply for now btw and you should ) you have far more recourse than with Private schooling.

Well I'd just focus on the fact I wouldn't want my 4 year old in that environment. I know it's not great to have to move him but he's 4 and he'll be ok. Honestly I think you've dodged a bullet.

Reading your post I think they have been careful to word it as 'advising you on the best setting for your child' not directly saying he cannot have a place as that would obviously be discrimination on the grounds of disability. It could still be indirect discrimination if, as a matter of policy, they refuse to adopt inclusive practices for the EYFS and KS1 age groups who let's face it, whether you are super academic or not all benefit from small classes, lots of creative play, sensory stimulation, outdoor play etc and that discourages disabled children from attending who might otherwise enjoy the setting. In theory you could apply for a place anyway and challenge any decision at an equality tribunal but proving indirect discrimination is very hard. Was an SEN governor for years, fortunately at a very inclusive primary. We would not and could not refuse admission on the basis of disability but there were occasions where the HT thought the child might do better in a different school generally because it had better facilities but those are very sensitive conversations to have.

But as you and others have already said you probably want a more welcoming setting for him anyway and I hope you find it, whether state or private. I am sure he is amazing and a better school will appreciate and nurture that.

I am laughing out loud at the notion state schools have all the SEND funding and the poor private ones, none. Also at the idea that it is hard for them to make ends meet right now. There is huge price elasticity in independent schools. Costs go up, prices go up, people pay up -ie the evidence tends to show that there is no correlation between price increases and the share of pupils educated in the independent sector.

They can set academic standards for entry but they are not permitted to refuse admission solely because your child has a disability. Yes, they set their own entry criteria but they are not above the equality act.

‘Fraid they can. I Remember one particularly delightful conversation with the head of dc’s primary school: In which they said: if there was anything provably “wrong” with my dc then they would be asked to leave. Super.

we kept them in the school because it was the best fit locally for them. Though paying the fees grated somewhat.

Both got diagnosis in their fantastic secondary school which literally could not be more supportive.

I wonder if they were just trying to be honest and got the tone very badly wrong.
My daughter is at a private school that is not terribly selective. There is a girl in her year that requires extra help and her parents have to pay for everything 'extra' that she needs. She ends up giving up part of some lunchtimes and after school for extra tuition.
Either state or specialist private school may well be a better fit.

It must be hard not to feel hurt, but getting any additional needs identified early can only be a good thing, rather than struggling.
He's not being written off, just being given the opportunity to get the support he deserves.

If they are not equipped they are not equipped.