To think this is outrageous from the school?

[HarryViles]

DS is just 4. He is at pre-school attached to a private school. He had an awful first few months there - very unsettled and unable to concentate - to the point where he is now on waiting list for ASD diagonsis as the pre-school's recommendation.

However, the last few months he has been doing so well. They have always been a little cold but they are professional and followed the local authority's advice and he has responded very well. They tell me all the time how much progress he is making and friends/familiy comment on the incrase in confidence/verbal etc.

Long story short - I went to a meeting today to see about him going to reception to the school in Sep this year - I know they have places.

(He does have a space at a local state school which seems great - just big class sizes but lovely kids and teachers)

The private school told me they couldn't cater for him as well as the state system, and that 'kids like him are better suited in the state system because they have the resources'. They said 'those schools can do things like sensory rooms, breakout areas, and with additional funding can provide 121 support - we can't and won't do any of that as we simply don't have the resources' (the fees are £20k plus a year). The Senco then said "it's not our fault the government don't give us additional money for kids with challenges".

They also said "our governors want us to be more competitive academically, so they are going to invest in that, not support for kids who are strugglign. sorry to be blunt but that's the way it is"

Obviously I don't want him to go there now. We can't barely afford the fees by the way but he's really doing well there - he has friends, he runs in every day, he comes home and tells me what he's learnt - the change in his is enormous so would sell a leg to continue that if I could.

They keep telling me how bright and funny he is, and then when I say about him staying they say "no no, kids like yours aren't catered for here"

He's barely 4 years old.

Isnt' that discrimantory? I feel angry. I know he won't go there. But can private schools basically do what the F they like?

I don't blame you one bit for feeling like that.

Frankly, he's probably far better out of a school like that. Your son has you in his corner - he'll be fine.

Let me share my story. When my DC1 was assessed at private primary (preparatory) for a place at the reception class, I had the same outcome as you did. They did not like my DC1 as my DC1 was not as verbal as others (yes, DC1 had speech delay due to being bi-lingual, but they did not care). I was upset and could not uderstand why. My DC1 went to a state primary, when there was a time to apply for secondary, DC1 got 2 academic scolarships (35% and 40%) at well-regarded private secondaries and a place at the local grammar school. We chose the grammar school, where DC1 is thriving. So, please, forget what they are saying to you as you know you DC much better than them and there is nothing wrong with a good state primary, where you've got a place.

YANBU, that's a horrid way to treat any child. Substitute just about anything else for "autistic" and it sure feels discriminatory to me.

I've encountered some awful people along the way (people who read "autism" and don't want my son around) but do remember you will meet a few truly lovely ones as well, people who are inclusive and understanding.

I'm personally very against private education and my 14yo autistic DS is currently thriving in state education and predicted 7+ in all his GCSEs. You're gonna find your road even if it isn't the one you expected.

Most independents take this stance.

My child was "encouraged out" of the local state primary as they couldn't cater to her social and higher academic needs. We were forced into private, it works both ways.

It's a well known fact that children with additional needs are best catered for in the state system. They were completely right in what they told you.

Private schools can afford it more than state schools, sadly some just don’t want to. They were brutally honest and have pretty much said they are focussed on being “competitive academically” meaning they are test driven.
Everything they have said would massively put me off that school and I’d be thankful my child wouldn’t be attending. I would have remained polite during the meeting, I’d have politely reminded them that it’s a shame they wouldn’t provide any additional resources for all children seeing as they are in a good position to provide it then I’d leave.
Not all private schools are like that, some provide sensory/nurture rooms and one to one support because it can benefit all children.
I know you’re worried about your child going into a new environment but no matter what school he attends, it will all be new to him and will be a big change.
When you find the school that’s best for him then you can help get him ready by walking past it, visiting it, talking about break and lunch times etc. it will be a big change but he will adapt over time and make new friends.

Literally the whole point of private schools is they pick and choose who goes there. It feels lovely and special when your child is one of the chosen ones. Parents talk up how difficult it is to get in because that makes them feel even more special. But in order to create that exclusive environment there must be the kids who are kept out. And sadly that includes some who are told to their faces that they don’t belong.

My friend’s DS was bullied at school for being gay. After 5 years of paying extortionate fees when his parents went to the school for help they were told it’s probably not the right school for him. Other parents at that school assure me the pastoral care is first rate - their kids are the chosen ones of course.

You’ve had a lucky escape but I’m sorry, it must be hurtful to be rejected like that.

Private schools can discriminate as long as they can argue that having the child at the school could cause issues for other children and impact the welfare, wellbeing and education of other students. There is often pressure from other parents who don’t want any children there who are disruptive or time and resource hungry taking away from their own child’s education

That doesn't sound like a good private school to be honest. At my private school (almost half the fees of yours) they have a range of SEND, including ASD. Yes, they don't have the TAs or sensory rooms etc that some specialist schools or large state schools have. But the students benefit from smaller class sizes, quieter environments. So I'm quite shocked they would say that straight to your face. Especially at 4 years old - how could they possibly know he would struggle at that age? Plus, they could cater for SEND kids if they wanted but would rather spend money elsewhere that's less effort and all they care about is results - which says a lot about their ethics and motives. Best avoid.

And we wonder why this government with a cabinet made up of people straight out of fancy, expensive, selective public schools with zero pupils with SEN, or disabilities, or any type of issues that are unpalatable for the school, have such low regard for anyone who is not an A-grade go-getter from Surrey.

I’m not quite sure what you’re saying, do you mean they should be obliged to take a child under these circumstances?

It's disgusting. They are the worst. At least you know now, though.

This is one of the many reasons people object to private schools. I'm sorry,@HarryViles that's shit.I hope your boy is happy and supported in whatever school he goes to next.

It’s horrible and I agree that private schools shouldn’t be able to de-select like this. Does them no favours, that’s why they have such a terrible reputation. I’ve heard countless stories exactly the same of lovely kids with other things like dyslexia being turned away without even considering them.

But on the other hand it is sort of the business model for most parents who want that type of school so just be grateful that you’re out of it.

This is basically what the other parents are paying them to do - only accept 'the right" children, who will not impact on their child's learning by taking up more time. If you were set on avoiding state schools there are other private schools who have a policy of accepting children with additional needs and affluent parents, and they target that market. It's not pretty when you look at it, but these schools have to sell what people are buying.

So you're OK with children being discriminated against and receiving what you see as an inferior education because their parents are poor, but not because of anything actually related to the children themselves?

I should say the 20k is further up the school (it's 4 - 18). I only mention the 20k to make the point that they have lots of money coming in. We woukd have used all our savings/downsized our home to afford it. He struggles to talk to other kids so to see him with friends and doing playdates I was prepared to make it work (I would have never imagined we would have considered private) and I'm probably naive. I do understand logically what they're saying and what others are saying here. But it's brutal. To have judgments made about my sons ability when he's so young and to feel rejected. He has no idea but all his friends are staying on and I feel bad for him

My godfather’s son was kicked out of his private school at the Easter before A levels.

He had been at the school since he was 11 and at the attached prep and pre prep since he was 2.

It happens often to state schools- children arrive from private schools because they have suspected or diagnosed special needs and the private school no longer wants them. Many 'selective' academies do the same thing. They all spin the 'much more appropriate provision and support' line to parents.

Going through something similar. My dd has asc and it’s the indie my other dc attends I want her to attend. My older dc I suspected of having ASC or ADD but was never flagged despite having similar delays and more stereotypical ND behaviours compared to my dd, older dc ‘passed’ the assessment at the not very selective private school and is in top sets now at seniors at the same school.

My dd to me seems brighter and more social but has the ASC diagnosis but private school are dragging their feet with having her come in for assessment, taking forever to reply to my email, despite having a really good SEND policy on paper where they have a send budget from school fees. I know my dc has someone with an EHCP in their class and their behaviour is quite ‘difficult’ so I thought this should be fine for us too but they are probably discriminating us somewhere or waiting for places to fill up first before assessing my dd.

I keep thinking ‘sod them’, the money we save I can put into private therapies for her and later, extra curricular clubs and tutoring if needed. I went to see the state school I liked the look of, that we have good chance of getting into seemed to have a nice calm atmosphere, although they seem more pushy for results being accountable to ofsted as previously a failing school before they became Ann academy which puts me off slightly as the indie is more nurturing in the early years at least. Anyway the problem is unfortunately they have zero wrap around care which is so frustrating, no childminders for that area and I don’t really know what to do. I feel I should tell the indie to stick it as I won’t be messed about but at the same time don’t want to miss out on the wrap around care as I need it for work. Other than small class sizes and being more nurturing in early years the indie school is not as well resourced as state schools and the extra curricular clubs aren’t all that either. Just the darn wrap around really when I really think about it.

Private school parents are paying for the chance to put their kids in small classes, with mostly bright, middle class children with no behavioural challenges. This is why they don't want your son and it is why private education is elitist and unfair.
However, it is also the whole point of private education.

Take it from a fellow asd mum, you need a supportive school, as if your son is on the spectrum then he will likely need extra support at school, you need a school to back you all the way!
If they don’t want your son at the private school, then the school isn’t the right school for him.

Honestly don’t know why anyone would want to send their kids to a private school, rotten to the core, for what? Exam Results? I’m glad you’ve got a place for your little one in a good state school, you’re better off x

@HarryViles honestly, hardly any of them will be there by Y6. It's horrible if he's made good friends to leave them but kids come and go a lot more at private so I wouldn't have that as a reason to want to push it.