To think this is outrageous from the school?

[HarryViles]

DS is just 4. He is at pre-school attached to a private school. He had an awful first few months there - very unsettled and unable to concentate - to the point where he is now on waiting list for ASD diagonsis as the pre-school's recommendation.

However, the last few months he has been doing so well. They have always been a little cold but they are professional and followed the local authority's advice and he has responded very well. They tell me all the time how much progress he is making and friends/familiy comment on the incrase in confidence/verbal etc.

Long story short - I went to a meeting today to see about him going to reception to the school in Sep this year - I know they have places.

(He does have a space at a local state school which seems great - just big class sizes but lovely kids and teachers)

The private school told me they couldn't cater for him as well as the state system, and that 'kids like him are better suited in the state system because they have the resources'. They said 'those schools can do things like sensory rooms, breakout areas, and with additional funding can provide 121 support - we can't and won't do any of that as we simply don't have the resources' (the fees are £20k plus a year). The Senco then said "it's not our fault the government don't give us additional money for kids with challenges".

They also said "our governors want us to be more competitive academically, so they are going to invest in that, not support for kids who are strugglign. sorry to be blunt but that's the way it is"

Obviously I don't want him to go there now. We can't barely afford the fees by the way but he's really doing well there - he has friends, he runs in every day, he comes home and tells me what he's learnt - the change in his is enormous so would sell a leg to continue that if I could.

They keep telling me how bright and funny he is, and then when I say about him staying they say "no no, kids like yours aren't catered for here"

He's barely 4 years old.

Isnt' that discrimantory? I feel angry. I know he won't go there. But can private schools basically do what the F they like?

It’s horrible, my friend’s son was turned down by a private primary school (and one that claimed to have a progressive ethos at that!) they said he wasn’t suitable for the school. She was heartbroken, I said to her it’s not her son who is unsuitable, the school is unsuitable for him in that case! You could try a Montessori school or there are also schools especially for ASD/ADHD in some areas that might be worth looking into.

Unfortunately it nay be a case of telling you what you didn't want to hear. I think the implications could be far worse on his development if they didn't tell you so honestly what they are not able to offer going forward. They could be doing you a huge favour here in signposting you to a school which can give him the resources and time that he needs. Private schools are often about bringing out the best in children who are not already with challenges. At least they aren't going to just take your money without being honest about what they can or cannot offer. I live beside a private school and you only need to look at the vehicles dropping the little princess and princesses off to see that it only caters for a certain kind of clientele. They aren't interested in children who aren't already academically advanced for their age at entry level.

This is a lovely way of looking at it.
I know at our local private school they flaunt all the kids who are thriving there, but there are a great many hidden away who really really aren't. You don't want that for your ds.

I expect a lot of this will be noise from other parents. They're paying a lot, and that's for their child to get more focus and attention than they would in state. They won't get that if the teachers time is taken up by ND.

I work in a private school and have also worked in state schools. I would agree that state schools are far better equipped to deal with children with special needs.

It's true that if he needs 1-1 support for example, you will have to pay the salary of the TA, in addition to the school fees.
Many parents do this at the school I work at, but I honestly feel they would be getting a much better deal at a good state school.

State schools that I've worked at have had full time well being staff, family liason officers, 1-1 TA's, small support groups for special needs, dyslexia teachers etc etc, all provided for you. The private school has none of this. Even dyslexia tutoring has to be paid for.

I would take it that they were trying to be honest about what they can provide for your son, and try not to take it personally. Start planning what you can do with the money you'll be saving!

My son is ND and is at private school. They school have been exceptional in supporting him and I have regular meetings with his teacher and the senco to make sure he is doing well and getting the correct support.

he goes into year 4 in September and will get 1-1 teaching twice a week for 30 mins to make sure he stays on top of his maths and English. They are doing everything they can to help him succeed and he is very happy there.

I’m sorry you have had such a dreadful response from the school your son is at but not all private schools are the same and it might be better looking at others with a strong wellbeing and senco support network.

What did you say to them to call them out on their shitty behaviour op?

There's two different types of private school though @IAmADancer
Those that market themselves on being inclusive and supportive; and those that market themselves on results.

It stinks, doesn’t it. It’s a choice they make,
not to meet needs - they COULD do it, either by changing what they offer other kids, or by putting fees up. It’s their choice not to, and they do it to protect their brand. People who pay loads for school don’t want potentially complicated kids about - they are paying for their kids to have an easy life.

get out and don’t look back! Your child will be better served and have a richer schooling experience in the state system.

dont see this as a judgement on your child, in any way. See this as learning more about how our society segregates. From FOUR.

Not all private schools are selective. One near us is aimed at children who would struggle in a big class but not enough to qualify for help - the benefit from a small class/need bit more attention group. It’s not academic.

At least they’re being honest and not just taking the 20k fees and hoping for the best when starts in September. Surely it’s good news that the best place for your son is the place he can attend for FREE. Imagine the worse scenario where the best place for your child would cost you 150k for their primary education. Surely this is good news??

Erm. I'm genuinely shocked at the responses on this thread. You are not being unreasonable and I think the school is playing a very dangerous game, as to discrimination, under the equality act.

They sound vile, so be glad you don't have to see them again.

For all those saying that state schools provide 121 TAs that is usually for kids with Echp and those are not easy to get!

Not all private prep schools are just about results, but actually really may not be able to afford the support needed.

Yes they are. Of course they can afford it if the want to. state schools don't get anywhere near 20k per child. They said they want to concentrate on academic results not support.
This is why private schools get good results. It's not because they are better it's because they are selective. You will find better teachers in state schools.

Private schools have no obligation to accept any pupil.

Absolutely rubbish for you but good to know now rather than further down the line

there are some private schools well equipped for kids like your ds however the best option for you will likely be to send him to a good state option and be willing to pay for extra help if required

I think you have had a lucky escape OP.

State schools do get some funding if your child has a plan. They may get a 1:1. They also can refer for assessments.
my child’s state school has interventions, a sensory room, a special class for those who cannot be in mainstream all day. They buy in support (e.g. language therapist).
a private school cannot refer for assessment- parents will need to pay. No interventions - parents usually pay extra. No 1:1, unless parents pay extra.
Private schools don’t necessarily want to invest in these areas - a lot of parents will complain that their fees are spent on extra support that their children are not benefiting from.
so it might not be that they don’t want your son - they are saying that they don’t have the right resources and would need to buy them in. For which you would need to pay.
it could get very expensive very fast.
I hope your son will thrive at his new school, and once you have a better understanding of what his needs are, you will be able to find the right support for him.
with £20k a year you can do an awful lot

It's disgusting, private schools can be awful and this is 100% why I'd never send my boys to one. They claim they have the brightest kids but they really don't, they have the ones that are most likely to be good (and easy) customers, whatever that looks like. It's a shame now he's settling but private schools have so much disruption with kids in and out so friendships are less likely to be long term anyway. I think how they've treated the referral process as a bit of an excuse to refuse a place is disgusting, it must happen to so many families throughout school even if they get all the way to exams of they don't make the grade. Better to keep your head up, cut your losses and good luck to you and your family, he can do amazingly well in the state system whether he has different abilities or not.

Yes they are. Of course they can afford it if the want to. state schools don't get anywhere near 20k per child

Of course private schools get far more money in each year than state schools, but they just don't routinely budget for additional needs. While £20k a year per pupil sounds (and is!) a lot of money, it's all budgeted for already in more favourable teacher:pupil ratios, specialist subject teachers, clubs, facilities, sports etc etc. Staff costs are something like 80%+ of a school's budget, so if you've got a teacher and a TA in a class of 12 already, as crazy as it sounds the money won't be there for an additional 1:1 for an individual pupil without the parents forking out extra. While they take in a huge amount in fee receipts each year, most private schools aren't sitting on a ton of cash reserves. It's all in and all out on a planned budget. (Not saying it's right or wrong, just a fact).

At least they're being honest although appreciate its not nice to hear. Private schools can't access funding in the same way state schools can for children who require 1:1s etc. Here they charge additional on top of the fees for TAs, so children who need a 1:1 have to pay the standard fee everyone does and then for every hour their child needs that support- it can get very pricey.

YANBU for feeling hurt and a sense of rejection on his behalf. However, they are probably right that he will be better off in a non-private school unless you can pay for extra support on top of school fees.
When he is a world famous millionaire he will have a good narrative arc for his biography and they will be kicking themselves.

I’m sorry this happened to you, the same thing happened with my DS years ago. Luckily we also had a place at a state school (small village one) - he’s now 15 and at a special school- oversubscribed, & wonderful. The primary school helped us get the place & were so supportive. Sometimes things happen for a reason. Good luck & don’t let it get you down

I’m sorry you’ve had this experience, but I think the school is right to set guidelines around what it can and cannot support.

To you, this is your son and nothing matters more. You expect from your fees that his needs should be fully catered for because it is a private school.

To the school, there may be any number of children in a similar position, many of whom go to private schools because of it, and the school is aware that there is a limitation to how much support they can commit.

To the other parents, there is an imbalance in the time and attention that some children receive compared to others when everyone wants their child to do well in their own way. As a parent of a middle of the road child at a private preprep, I have seen my child’s teachers’ time absolutely monopolised having to support children with SN, to the extent that it leaves the teacher much less time for the rest of the school / class.

I’m not saying whether it’s right or wrong, just that resources are not infinite just because you’re paying for it.

You will know when you find the right environment and most importantly it will be somewhere where you feel your dc fit in and are at home.

It’s heartbreaking to hear someone reject your child. We’ve been there, both state and private- too many SEN requirements for some, not SEN enough for others. We’re now on our fourth school, and he’s about to move again in September for Yr 7. It’s hard but do try other private schools if you can. Ideally not boarding as they are all now seemingly becoming more selective. They don’t have to be. They can make allowances and some have fanatics resources but they don’t need to if they don’t want to. We’ve managed to find a lovely school (private) that hopefully will support him through to GCSEs. Good luck!