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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL requesting to stay in my bedroom

191 replies

Revnol · 09/05/2023 06:23

I'm 28 and currently living with my parents, not uncommon for people from my (Mediterranean) culture. It works okay for us, but one of the biggest benefits is that this setup enables my siblings and I to care for my mother who has had very serious health problems for most of my life.

Recently, we've had to move into a short term rental as our family home is in need of some fairly significant renovations.

We've found a comfortable home in a popular town in Devon. Two weeks into the stay my sister asked if she and her fiance could have my room for the week when they visit (annual leave).

I have been a people please for most of my life but I am starting to realise I need to stand up for myself where appropriate. So I said sorry but no. Not only would the logistics of changing rooms be annoying but this is very much my space/sanctuary. As you can imagine living with family can be claustrophobic so I very often retreat to my room when necessary.

It has got back to me my sister's fiance is annoyed. The room they will be in has a double bed but is not able to accommodate much else. But it is nicely decorated and clean. Whereas the room I'm in is much larger.

AIBU to say no? BIL's attitude/sense of entitlement had really rubbed me up the wrong way. BIL, who im beginning to see has a selfish streak, has a very strained relationship with his family and would NEVER ask this from his own bio sister. So, why me?

I was "given" the bigger room as my sister is often away for work and I'm not. I.e silly to have the big room sitting empty part of the time

AIBU?

OP posts:
ChiefPearlClutcher · 09/05/2023 06:25

Nope. Stand your ground. Your room is your room. Ridiculous entitled behaviour.

electriclight · 09/05/2023 06:26

YANBU. As it wasn't said directly to you, just ignore.

UhhhhhhhOK · 09/05/2023 06:28

They can F off and rent somewhere else to stay whilst on annual leave

Darkandstormynite · 09/05/2023 06:28

No, stand firm. If you give in your destiny will be established as the family doormat.

Treat him like a sulking child, ignore him and get on with being bright and breezy.

He's definitely a CF.

mainsfed · 09/05/2023 06:28

YANBU at all. They have a double bed, what more does he want, he doesn’t live there!

Well done standing up for yourself. This would have set a precedent, they’d expect you to do it again.

Does he help at all when he stays? Or expect to be waited on?

Original poster
Revnol · 09/05/2023 06:30

Forgot to add, BIL stayed with us one night when we first moved in. He knocked on my door to get a spare towel in the morning.

Later in the week I learn from my sister that when he went back to my sister's room he said something along the lines of "so, why didn't we get that room?". Umm cause you don't live here...the comment just didn't sit right with me.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 09/05/2023 06:32

Well done for standing up for yourself.
Now stick to your guns.

Mumdiva99 · 09/05/2023 06:33

So you have 2 sisters. The one you live with with a smaller room, and the one travelling down.

If that's right where will the first sister sleep? In with you? If so absolutely it's fair to give the visitors her room unless she minds.

In which case - local B&B....

Or what about your brothers rooms?

I do give up my room for guests, but ones I've invited. I'm guessing you don't get much choice about this.

Original poster
Revnol · 09/05/2023 06:34

Does he help at all when he stays? Or expect to be waited on?

Hmm so he's cooked a meal and helps clear the table. I can't help but wanting to make things nice so I've made posher dinners than we normally havewith my dad and generally just kept the house tidy enough for a guest. I 100% choose to do the latter so not blaming him for that.

OP posts:
morethanspice · 09/05/2023 06:34

The cheek! No way! Stay in YOUR room

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 09/05/2023 06:36

Stand your ground. It's your room, they have somewhere to sleep. They don't get to demand you move out of your own room because they like it better. How rude of them.

gogogoji · 09/05/2023 06:36

So where would you sleep? The guest room? So you'd be going back and forth into your bedroom constantly to get your stuff? Yeah that is mad. Is the other room a spare room? Then tell them , 'no, the guest room is for guests. It will be disruptive and weird for you to stay in my room and I'll be in and out all day and evening.'

Original poster
Revnol · 09/05/2023 06:40

There's four siblings.

One sister who spends majority of time in family home (like me), same for brother but he occasionally travels for work and another sister who splits time between city flat and family home.

I'm the only one who is able to switch rooms as I don't have a fixed work space with clmputer screens like my brother and non-cf sis have.

The idea was for CF sister and her fiance to have my room for week whilst I slept in small room.

I offered to let my CF sis sleep in my room with me but she wants to sleep with her fiance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Revnol · 09/05/2023 06:44

Parents tried to get me to give up my room but I put my foot down. They were "disappointed".

BIL and CF sis also said they were making day trip plans.

OP posts:
NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 09/05/2023 06:47

let your parents be disappointed. You are in the right. You are not less important than your sister and fiancee. It's your space.

ILoveCakeLikeTheToriesLoveRippingTaxPayersOff · 09/05/2023 06:47

It's your room, I wouldn't want them sleeping in my bed either that's a bit gross.

AssertiveGertrude · 09/05/2023 06:50

That’s really rude of bil !!
this is a life lesson op that I learned a long time ago - don’t be a doormat for anyone

Katherine1985 · 09/05/2023 06:50

Your sister is managing to get you all riled up telling you things her fiancé apparently said.

Maybe these are her thoughts and she’s being pass agg. You don’t know what part she played in their conversation.

Of course it makes sense you have the room you do because you’re there most of the time and support your DM. That in itself can arouse complex feelings of guilt and resentment in siblings who work away. Whatever it is she’s not expressing it cleanly.

Lemons1571 · 09/05/2023 06:51

Revnol · 09/05/2023 06:44

Parents tried to get me to give up my room but I put my foot down. They were "disappointed".

BIL and CF sis also said they were making day trip plans.

Positive responses needed to the day trip manipulation. Channel your inner Mrs Brown and say “That’s nice”.

Original poster
Revnol · 09/05/2023 06:51

I really think I may have given up my room had I not been privy to "so, why don't we have the big room?". Irked me beyond belief. My oher siblings are not impressed and BIL has gone down in their estimations. It's odd because I know my CF sis would never ask the same from BIL's siblings.

OP posts:
gogogoji · 09/05/2023 06:53

There's four siblings.

One sister who spends majority of time in family home (like me), same for brother but he occasionally travels for work and another sister who splits time between city flat and family home.

Which one is CF-sis?

XBealtaine · 09/05/2023 06:55

Interesting that your family expected you to capitulate and were disappointed that you did not.
BIL sounds v entitled.

Nightlystroll · 09/05/2023 06:55

I'd give up my room for guests if it made sense size wise.
I wouldn't give up my room for someone I didn't like and who was rude about it.
I wouldn't expect my sister to want to share a bed with me rather than her fiance.

It's your room, I wouldn't want them sleeping in my bed either that's a bit gross.

What's wrong with sleeping in someone's bed if the sheets etc are changed? Have you never been in a hotel or hospital, etc? This is a rented house so it's probably not even the op's bed and quite a few people will have slept in it before the op dud.

Original poster
Revnol · 09/05/2023 06:56

That in itself can arouse complex feelings of guilt and resentment in siblings who work away

100%. My CF sis does A LOT for my mum but is able to get away from it all when it gets too much. I don't. My room is my only place in this world that is all mine.

It's odd because my CF sister on her own is prerty flexible and happy to compromise. She wasn't put out by being given the small bedroom as she recognised it made sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Revnol · 09/05/2023 06:59

CF sis is sister whose fiance wanted my room. She splits her time between their city flat and our family home.

When our actual family home was uncomfortable to live in she actively chose to spend more time in city flat.

She is typically a wonderful person.

OP posts: