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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL requesting to stay in my bedroom

191 replies

Revnol · 09/05/2023 06:23

I'm 28 and currently living with my parents, not uncommon for people from my (Mediterranean) culture. It works okay for us, but one of the biggest benefits is that this setup enables my siblings and I to care for my mother who has had very serious health problems for most of my life.

Recently, we've had to move into a short term rental as our family home is in need of some fairly significant renovations.

We've found a comfortable home in a popular town in Devon. Two weeks into the stay my sister asked if she and her fiance could have my room for the week when they visit (annual leave).

I have been a people please for most of my life but I am starting to realise I need to stand up for myself where appropriate. So I said sorry but no. Not only would the logistics of changing rooms be annoying but this is very much my space/sanctuary. As you can imagine living with family can be claustrophobic so I very often retreat to my room when necessary.

It has got back to me my sister's fiance is annoyed. The room they will be in has a double bed but is not able to accommodate much else. But it is nicely decorated and clean. Whereas the room I'm in is much larger.

AIBU to say no? BIL's attitude/sense of entitlement had really rubbed me up the wrong way. BIL, who im beginning to see has a selfish streak, has a very strained relationship with his family and would NEVER ask this from his own bio sister. So, why me?

I was "given" the bigger room as my sister is often away for work and I'm not. I.e silly to have the big room sitting empty part of the time

AIBU?

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 09/05/2023 07:46

I think you'd disappointed more people including yourself, if you did agree to switch. Stand up for yourself. They're wrong and you're right. You live there and are paying rent they're not, they're just visiting. He's being entitled. Could you buy a fixed computer with screen to work from, to prevent further talk about a swap?

2bazookas · 09/05/2023 07:46

What a CF

Stand your ground for your sister's sake. She needs you to role model a woman standing up to her selfish fiance. Who knows, your example might save her from the awful mistake of marrying him.

Original poster
Revnol · 09/05/2023 07:53

prioritising men and their wants is the norm
Very much so. My mum is extreme even by Mediterranean standards

OP posts:
Katherine1985 · 09/05/2023 07:56

Good point @2bazookas especially as OP says this sister is typically wonderful. Your example, OP, could definitely help her dodge a bullet - not that you need to stand your ground just for this, just to say that other positive things always come from doing so.

You live there full time and have a job as well as caring responsibilities.

They are there on annual leave and planning day trips. It’s a no brainer!!

As a previous poster said, when you live in with parents and help with caring, it can put you lower in priorities and that’s something you can’t allow to happen

PinkCherryBlossoms · 09/05/2023 07:58

Revnol · 09/05/2023 06:44

Parents tried to get me to give up my room but I put my foot down. They were "disappointed".

BIL and CF sis also said they were making day trip plans.

I'd be exceptionally unimpressed that your parents thought that and that they had the bare faced cheek to say it, given the amount of care you provide.

AFishCalledKeith · 09/05/2023 07:59

So far 627 voters universally agree your BIL is a twat Grin

Stand your ground, OP! This is a great chance to show your family when you say no, you mean no.

CabernetSauvignon · 09/05/2023 08:00

If you're only in that house for two months and your BIL doesn't like the bedroom setup, there's no need to visit at all. Something tells me they fancy a free holiday in Devon.

Katherine1985 · 09/05/2023 08:01

Oh and with your update about fiancé refusing to accept your parents’ offer of their room @Revnol he is total cf and you should be even more adamant about staying put!

nettie434 · 09/05/2023 08:03

Your BIL is unbelievable to think that it is ok to expect you to move rooms while he and your sister visit. Stick to your guns!

Creepyrosemary · 09/05/2023 08:03

Revnol · 09/05/2023 06:44

Parents tried to get me to give up my room but I put my foot down. They were "disappointed".

BIL and CF sis also said they were making day trip plans.

Next time propose that they give up their room if it's no big deal to them.

Sparkl · 09/05/2023 08:06

Is the fiancé also Mediterranean? Is he wealthy or something? Is there a sense that he’s the big man with lots of money and should get what he wants? Is he used to grander surroundings?

(giving your sister things that your childhood lacked)

I can’t believe there was any suggestion that your invalid mother would vacate her room for some passing fiancé who’s visiting for a week. Who came up with that idea. The whole thing is absolute madness including the suggestion that you would vacate your room.

I’m glad your siblings are normal people who are backing you up.

Voyager54 · 09/05/2023 08:07

We used to have similar problems when we lived in Devon. People turning up expecting to be fed and accommodation. tell your relatives to get a B and B or hotel.

Original poster
Revnol · 09/05/2023 08:11

My parents see having family stay in a hotel as almost an insult and is not considered the done thing. The fact that BIL is not from the same culture and therefore unlikely to take offense to this suggestion does not seem to matter.

OP posts:
FishChipsMushyPeas · 09/05/2023 08:12

"so, why didn't we get that room?"

Er, cos its not a hotel pal

Booklover40 · 09/05/2023 08:13

Ew, why would anyone want their sister and her fiancé sleeping in their bed and probably getting their sex-juice everywhere? 🤢 No thanks.

Original poster
Revnol · 09/05/2023 08:16

@Sparkl BIL isn't wealthy but has a good job (so does my CF sis). He just has his head screwed on and is a stablising force which is the appeal IMO.

OP posts:
Original poster
Revnol · 09/05/2023 08:17

Head screwed on re finances/jobs, clearly not family relations!

OP posts:
ScrollingLeaves · 09/05/2023 08:17

You stand up for yourself and do not feel guilty. They are lucky to have a room at all

TheKobayashiMaru · 09/05/2023 08:19

YANBU. Stand your ground.

tara66 · 09/05/2023 08:20

Hit back all the time when they are staying - about how entitled and cheeky BF is! Don't be polite. Let him read this thread! Keep saying you won't have any house guests when you move out as they are such a nightmare!

Original poster
Revnol · 09/05/2023 08:21

REALLY appreciating the support. Guess I've been needing to unload and the bedroom situation was the straw that broke...

OP posts:
SchoolTripDrama · 09/05/2023 08:24

Make sure when they arrive that you are not only IN the house but in your ROOM! Otherwise you'll come home to them making themselves comfortable in your room!

SchoolTripDrama · 09/05/2023 08:29

Nightlystroll · 09/05/2023 06:55

I'd give up my room for guests if it made sense size wise.
I wouldn't give up my room for someone I didn't like and who was rude about it.
I wouldn't expect my sister to want to share a bed with me rather than her fiance.

It's your room, I wouldn't want them sleeping in my bed either that's a bit gross.

What's wrong with sleeping in someone's bed if the sheets etc are changed? Have you never been in a hotel or hospital, etc? This is a rented house so it's probably not even the op's bed and quite a few people will have slept in it before the op dud.

You do realise that 99% of rented properties are unfurnished?! I rented privately for 19 years so I know what I'm talking about. You sound naive

LookItsMeAgain · 09/05/2023 08:33

This is coming from your parents too, not just your BiL.

They must have had a conversation with your CF-Sister about where she and BiL would be staying when they come for their visit and I think your parent(s) must have suggested that you wouldn't have a problem with giving your room up while they stayed.

Not only would I be setting them straight on what is and is not acceptable going forwards, but I might even suggest to them that if they do that again, that you feel they are playing favourites amongst the siblings and based on that, CF-Sister and BiL can step up to the plate more often and look after them. You need to start having a life without them being in it and this is your first step to that goal.

I 100% agree with @SchoolTripDrama that you should not only be there but be in your room, perhaps doing a bit of a declutter or something so it's a bit messy (on the surface) but nothing that can't be sorted within 10 minutes, so they don't think they can make themselves comfortable in your space.

billy1966 · 09/05/2023 08:37

Well done for saying No.

At least you are getting the measure of this BIL.

He's a real CF.

Push back against your people pleaser tendencies as it leads to major dissatisfaction in life invariably.

Stop going to so much trouble when they visit.

Pull back.