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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL requesting to stay in my bedroom

191 replies

Revnol · 09/05/2023 06:23

I'm 28 and currently living with my parents, not uncommon for people from my (Mediterranean) culture. It works okay for us, but one of the biggest benefits is that this setup enables my siblings and I to care for my mother who has had very serious health problems for most of my life.

Recently, we've had to move into a short term rental as our family home is in need of some fairly significant renovations.

We've found a comfortable home in a popular town in Devon. Two weeks into the stay my sister asked if she and her fiance could have my room for the week when they visit (annual leave).

I have been a people please for most of my life but I am starting to realise I need to stand up for myself where appropriate. So I said sorry but no. Not only would the logistics of changing rooms be annoying but this is very much my space/sanctuary. As you can imagine living with family can be claustrophobic so I very often retreat to my room when necessary.

It has got back to me my sister's fiance is annoyed. The room they will be in has a double bed but is not able to accommodate much else. But it is nicely decorated and clean. Whereas the room I'm in is much larger.

AIBU to say no? BIL's attitude/sense of entitlement had really rubbed me up the wrong way. BIL, who im beginning to see has a selfish streak, has a very strained relationship with his family and would NEVER ask this from his own bio sister. So, why me?

I was "given" the bigger room as my sister is often away for work and I'm not. I.e silly to have the big room sitting empty part of the time

AIBU?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 09/05/2023 09:52

JobChangeSoonPlease · 09/05/2023 09:01

Don't mean to offend but your post reminds me of the AppleTV series - Bad sisters. It's about 5 sisters one of whom is married to an entitled/selfish/evil/rude man and the other sisters resent him. The one who is married to him worships him and can't see any wrong. If you watch it you'll see what they do to take back control. Grin

I found that series Bad Sisters very hard to watch, the actor playing the husband was superb, as was the script.

It was completely chilling.

Text book evil, controlling, abusive, narcissistic head case.

I found it very stressful to watch, even though it had moments of humour.

I think your sister was rude to repeat that to you.

Be very firm with him.
He's rude and disrespectful.

Your sister needs telling she can take over any time.

Likewise your parents.

Be wary of being caught for caring long term.

VivaLesTartes · 09/05/2023 09:52

YANBU It's a week FFS. They just need a bed.

MeridianB · 09/05/2023 09:56

I think your sister was rude to repeat that to you.

Yes, this too. Why is she passing on these comments? It suggests she agrees and supports his demands. Not good.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 09/05/2023 10:03

Since they do have somewhere suitable to sleep then you are right to stick to your guns.

Original poster
Revnol · 09/05/2023 10:18

Why is she passing on these comments?

So my brother and I did ask ourselves this very question as she's only making them both look terrible.

My sis shared a screenshot of the msg chain after she told BIL rooms were not swapping. I can only assume she didn't think the request was an overly entitled one. No clue.

OP posts:
willWillSmithsmith · 09/05/2023 10:21

Stick to your guns, that way you are sending a strong message that you are not a walkover. If you relent they know (or BiL will) that a bit of grinding down is all it takes to get you to falter.

Original poster
Revnol · 09/05/2023 10:22

I was speaking to my other sister and brother yesterday and we both agreed how surprising it is that my CF sister (who is very head strong and independent) has chosen someone so controlling. She caters to him in a way she simply would not for anyone else. She has always tended to call a spade a spade.

OP posts:
Twobyfour · 09/05/2023 10:24

Does he need the extra space to air his balls at night? No then he can jog on!

CheekNerveGallAudacityandGumption · 09/05/2023 10:25

Revnol · 09/05/2023 08:11

My parents see having family stay in a hotel as almost an insult and is not considered the done thing. The fact that BIL is not from the same culture and therefore unlikely to take offense to this suggestion does not seem to matter.

You say your BIL isn’t from the same culture but he has the same male entitlement so what culture is he from?

Original poster
Revnol · 09/05/2023 10:29

BIL's background is Scottish/Irish. He almost went NC with his family over something extremely trivial. He barely speaks to his siblings and would NEVER give up his room up for one of them and their SOs.

OP posts:
CheekNerveGallAudacityandGumption · 09/05/2023 10:30

Revnol · 09/05/2023 10:29

BIL's background is Scottish/Irish. He almost went NC with his family over something extremely trivial. He barely speaks to his siblings and would NEVER give up his room up for one of them and their SOs.

Ah. Sounds about right with him expecting to be deferred to by women.
Stand your ground OP!

Original poster
Revnol · 09/05/2023 10:30

So in their defense it is a single room with a double room shoved in. Just enough space either side.

OP posts:
katemulberrybush · 09/05/2023 10:31

He is a CF of the highest realm

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 09/05/2023 10:31

Revnol · 09/05/2023 10:29

BIL's background is Scottish/Irish. He almost went NC with his family over something extremely trivial. He barely speaks to his siblings and would NEVER give up his room up for one of them and their SOs.

He’s really taken a liking to the ‘men first’ culture of your family heritage, hasn’t he?

Horrible, entitled prick.

Original poster
Revnol · 09/05/2023 10:32

It's a cultural issue to an extent but I know my brother would never do the same with his GF's family

OP posts:
Original poster
Revnol · 09/05/2023 10:33

But my brother is thoughtful and socially aware

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 09/05/2023 10:36

We have always given up our room when we have guests, because it's the nicest one in the house. I don't understand why someone wouldn't prioritise their guest's comfort, tbh.

DisquietintheRanks · 09/05/2023 10:36

YANBU but I am quite impressed that he tolerates living in his Mil's home so she can be cared for. Not many people would go for that - if my dh suggested it it would be a very firm "absolutely not" and I love my MiL.

Maybe this will be the push he needs to make a better arrangement

Katherine1985 · 09/05/2023 10:38

Maybe he’s projecting his problems with his own siblings into your family life, not head on but via your sister. Such that her relationship with you will worsen over time.

Also, even if he doesn’t have natural male entitlement attitude he’s picked up that your mum does, and that your parents want to please him and is leveraging that to your disadvantage.

Seems like you’ve got his number though. Just keep coming back to that baseline certainty that he wouldn’t give his room up for a sibling and partner

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 09/05/2023 10:39

Hbh17 · 09/05/2023 10:36

We have always given up our room when we have guests, because it's the nicest one in the house. I don't understand why someone wouldn't prioritise their guest's comfort, tbh.

Does this man seem deserving of prioritisation? Nah.

Also, I wouldn’t give up my bed for anyone. It’s weird. I sleep in it all the time. Guests beds are rarely used and so are fresher and nicer for guests, surely?

My inlaws always had their eye on our room, but then they liked to poke around my drawers and under the bed. So I’m not entirely sure of their motives for wanting it. They never got it, anyway. We have beautiful guest rooms and they can ‘slum’ it in one of those.

SchoolTripDrama · 09/05/2023 10:40

@OneTC Yes! They very much are! Ask any letting agent. I viewed quite literally HUNDREDS of properties over 19 years (primarily due to demand always being so high so for every property I ended up being success with, I'd already been turned down for 50+) Not one was furnished.

I've just looked on Rightmove for my big town (PLUS 20 miles!) and not one single property is furnished, besides holiday let's. Not one!

OneTC · 09/05/2023 10:41

Nanny0gg · 09/05/2023 09:18

So what percentage do you think are furnished?

Show quote history

It's about 50%

MaggieFS · 09/05/2023 10:42

I've been pondering this, because my gut reaction is that he's being a complete CF.

But thinking it over...they're coming for a week and their only space, for two of them during that week, is a single bedroom with a double bed shoved in.

I think in our family. We probably would have organised the room swap in advance anyway.

I think it was fair enough of him to ask, but as you've said no, he should accept gracefully.

It's the behaviour afterwards which is more concerning, but it's also not clear if he just said to your sister 'well that's annoying' which would be normal chat between a couple, or has made more of a thing of it.

2Rebecca · 09/05/2023 10:43

We've never given up our bed for guests. It's our bed plus our clothes are in it and our lives don't stop just because we have visitors. Our guest room is for guests. If there are too many guests for the rooms then some of them have to stay elsewhere or they don't all come at once. Visiting someone doesn't have to mean staying in their house and having a cheap holiday