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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL requesting to stay in my bedroom

191 replies

Revnol · 09/05/2023 06:23

I'm 28 and currently living with my parents, not uncommon for people from my (Mediterranean) culture. It works okay for us, but one of the biggest benefits is that this setup enables my siblings and I to care for my mother who has had very serious health problems for most of my life.

Recently, we've had to move into a short term rental as our family home is in need of some fairly significant renovations.

We've found a comfortable home in a popular town in Devon. Two weeks into the stay my sister asked if she and her fiance could have my room for the week when they visit (annual leave).

I have been a people please for most of my life but I am starting to realise I need to stand up for myself where appropriate. So I said sorry but no. Not only would the logistics of changing rooms be annoying but this is very much my space/sanctuary. As you can imagine living with family can be claustrophobic so I very often retreat to my room when necessary.

It has got back to me my sister's fiance is annoyed. The room they will be in has a double bed but is not able to accommodate much else. But it is nicely decorated and clean. Whereas the room I'm in is much larger.

AIBU to say no? BIL's attitude/sense of entitlement had really rubbed me up the wrong way. BIL, who im beginning to see has a selfish streak, has a very strained relationship with his family and would NEVER ask this from his own bio sister. So, why me?

I was "given" the bigger room as my sister is often away for work and I'm not. I.e silly to have the big room sitting empty part of the time

AIBU?

OP posts:
neverknowinglyunreasonable · 09/05/2023 06:59

ILoveCakeLikeTheToriesLoveRippingTaxPayersOff · 09/05/2023 06:47

It's your room, I wouldn't want them sleeping in my bed either that's a bit gross.

You're going to freak out when you learn about hotels.

Theygolowwegohigh · 09/05/2023 07:04

YANBU. Just stand firm. Be bright and breezy and ignore any passive aggressive comments from any of them.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 09/05/2023 07:05

I would give them a list of nearby hotels. Devon has lots and the happy couple can have their own space.

Where does CF sister stay when she’s at the family home?

rookiemere · 09/05/2023 07:06

Well I kind of think it's on your DPs who stays in each room as they are the ones presumably paying for it.

Do you have a job outside of caring for your DM? She will need more care I suppose, the older she gets - are you planning to stay there forever?

It just feels kind of sad that at 28 you're squabbling with your Dsis about what room in your DPs house you're going to stay in. Please forgive me for being blunt.

Original poster
Revnol · 09/05/2023 07:07

Rent is paid from bank account where we all contribute.

Yes, I have a job.

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 09/05/2023 07:09

You live there. She doesn’t.
they are effectively guests and stay in the guest room as you have one. Guests don’t get to pick which room they want to stay in 🤷‍♀️

gogogoji · 09/05/2023 07:10

rookiemere · 09/05/2023 07:06

Well I kind of think it's on your DPs who stays in each room as they are the ones presumably paying for it.

Do you have a job outside of caring for your DM? She will need more care I suppose, the older she gets - are you planning to stay there forever?

It just feels kind of sad that at 28 you're squabbling with your Dsis about what room in your DPs house you're going to stay in. Please forgive me for being blunt.

The siblings all live there. It's their own rooms. It's normal in many cultures. Just because you are weirdly untraveled and unworldly and think everyone lives like your family does, doesn't mean the OPs family are weird.

rookiemere · 09/05/2023 07:10

Apologies OP I made some assumptions. If you pay rent then you get a say on what room you're in.

Original poster
Revnol · 09/05/2023 07:14

Do you have a job outside of caring for your DM? She will need more care I suppose, the older she gets - are you planning to stay there forever

God no. Selfishly can't wait to move out. My LT relationship ended recently. Very much still hope to marry, have kids, buy home etc.

Parents will most likely live with my brother in a granny flat/annexe. With other siblings paying for carers. Very normal set up among wider family.

Thats the plan anyway.

OP posts:
RockGirl · 09/05/2023 07:15

This is standard practice in Mediterranean culture, where prioritising men and their wants is the norm. Well done for standing up for yourself.

rookiemere · 09/05/2023 07:16

@Revnol I'm delighted you're planning to move out soon. This set up really doesn't sound right for you, even if it is the norm in your society.

Redebs · 09/05/2023 07:20

I've never seen a solid 100% poll on YANBU OP. Stick to your room and let your sister put her fiancé straight!

Original poster
Revnol · 09/05/2023 07:20

Well I have no immediate plans to move out but look forward to that day whenever it comes.

OP posts:
Felucia · 09/05/2023 07:23

If your parents are disappointed, they can give up their room!

Katherine1985 · 09/05/2023 07:28

Revnol · 09/05/2023 07:20

Well I have no immediate plans to move out but look forward to that day whenever it comes.

Great but @revnol you don’t need to justify your current living arrangements at all

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 09/05/2023 07:31

I am a bit confused, so is this the room in the house you have been renting for two weeks? How long will you be in that house for? Either way I would be concerned that BIL sounds somewhat controlling.

Original poster
Revnol · 09/05/2023 07:32

My parents did offer. There was also the suggestion that my mum could sleep with me for the week and my dad would get the small room. Made sense as my parents literally only sleep in their bedroom. Not the case for me. But BIL said "of course he couldn't do that to them".

OP posts:
Brefugee · 09/05/2023 07:34

stick to your guns OP, it makes no sense for you to move out of your room - whether or not you have a pc set up for work in there or not.
it's 2 weeks. He can suck it up. It's not as if the spare room they'll be using is barely large enough for a single bed. They're visiting - how much time are they going to spend in that room?

Original poster
Revnol · 09/05/2023 07:34

Sorry, my previous post was in response to @Felucia

OP posts:
Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 09/05/2023 07:35

I find this an incredibly strange dynamic. His entitlement is gross.

Anaemiafog · 09/05/2023 07:39

Not my words, "Not just no but fuck no!"

Lostinplaces · 09/05/2023 07:43

I probably would have let them but that’s just me, there’s nothing to say you should have to. His attitude to you saying no would cause me to dig my heels in though! Entitled arse.

Original poster
Revnol · 09/05/2023 07:44

so is this the room in the house you have been renting for two weeks? yes

How long will you be in that house for? Two months (fingers crossed)

Either way I would be concerned that BIL sounds somewhat controlling.
Yes, this attitude from BIL has caused my siblings and I to somewhat reevaluate him. Sadly, we were in agreement there is not much we can do about it if this is my CF sister's choice.

My other sister and I did get quite emotional last night as we both feel my CF sister (who is very personable and liked almost immediately by all those that meet her) has gravitated towards BIL as he gives her the things that our childhood lacked as a direct consequence of my mother's illness.

OP posts:
Iliketulips · 09/05/2023 07:46

What a cheek. Let him to annoyed.

Personally, I wouldn't expect anyone to give up their room for me, even if it means sleeping on the lounge floor.

Purrpurrpurr · 09/05/2023 07:46

I have cared for a parent while living in the family home, and it can become a habit to put yourself last and to allow others to do so, too. You are doing the right thing OP! Make plans for yourself, set boundaries, say no to things, look after yourself.