BIL requesting to stay in my bedroom

[Revnol]

I'm 28 and currently living with my parents, not uncommon for people from my (Mediterranean) culture. It works okay for us, but one of the biggest benefits is that this setup enables my siblings and I to care for my mother who has had very serious health problems for most of my life.

Recently, we've had to move into a short term rental as our family home is in need of some fairly significant renovations.

We've found a comfortable home in a popular town in Devon. Two weeks into the stay my sister asked if she and her fiance could have my room for the week when they visit (annual leave).

I have been a people please for most of my life but I am starting to realise I need to stand up for myself where appropriate. So I said sorry but no. Not only would the logistics of changing rooms be annoying but this is very much my space/sanctuary. As you can imagine living with family can be claustrophobic so I very often retreat to my room when necessary.

It has got back to me my sister's fiance is annoyed. The room they will be in has a double bed but is not able to accommodate much else. But it is nicely decorated and clean. Whereas the room I'm in is much larger.

AIBU to say no? BIL's attitude/sense of entitlement had really rubbed me up the wrong way. BIL, who im beginning to see has a selfish streak, has a very strained relationship with his family and would NEVER ask this from his own bio sister. So, why me?

I was "given" the bigger room as my sister is often away for work and I'm not. I.e silly to have the big room sitting empty part of the time

AIBU?

is it you think your parent's culture that would contribute to them being disappointed?

If it was a tiny box room with just a double bed in it and hardly any floor space to move around or put anything, then I would consider offering to switch rooms to give a couple the bigger room. I'd feel a bit put out by it though, but if it was only for a week or two I think I'd survive. Your BIL shouldn't have even raised it though, that's very CF.

He's not even the BIL, he's her sister's boyfriend, that's all, not that it would make any difference. In Devon I'm sure there's not shortage of accommodation to rent!

Well done for saying no. Just make sure you stick to it. How rude! You are not their servant either, so I would take a step back whilst he is there.

Well done OP for standing up for yourself. I use to live with my parents after I had my divorce and hit rock bottom so completely understand what your room means to you. Your sanctuary, your space to escape and much more.
Your BIL is not sleeping on the floor. He has a bed to sleep in. He should be greatfull. Some cultural norms need to be phased out especially son in laws being treated as kings.
Act like yourself in front of them as if it wasn't an issue.
This step will hopefully also make your sister think twice about approaching you with rediculous requests.

If it comes up again between you and cf sister, ask her if they get the bigger room in his parents house (I know you said they don't make such a request but to make a point).

I fear for your sister. He's going to be one of those ones who constantly bitches to her but won't have the balls to say things upfront and to appease him she will be the mouth piece saying oh he's not happy with x y and z.

Don't mean to offend but your post reminds me of the AppleTV series - Bad sisters. It's about 5 sisters one of whom is married to an entitled/selfish/evil/rude man and the other sisters resent him. The one who is married to him worships him and can't see any wrong. If you watch it you'll see what they do to take back control.

Well done for standing up to him. Surely he should be grateful to have free accommodation in a lovely seaside town?
He sounds like a bully, and like most bullies will crumble if you hold your ground, so if you can, meet his eye and say to him clearly, "this is my bedroom, i'm not giving it up, and I think you're being quite rude to ask me to do so when you have a bed to sleep in and you're staying here for free."
then smile and see what he says.
He's puffing his chest a bit, he needs to settle down.

Wait, so he’s not from the same culture as your family, but has taken a bit of a shine to the ‘men before others’ approach, to the point he’s now demanding it? Wow.

I think your BIL has a big shiny brass neck.

But I can see that if everyone (including CF sister) contributes equally to the family budget, and it is a house you are ‘staying in’, rather like an extended holiday let, rather than ‘living in’, there could be more of an expectation that people move rooms to suit different circumstances. E.g smaller room because CF Sis is away half the time v bigger room when there are 2 of them.

When you are in the permanent family home, does BIL live there part time, same as your sister?

Does he consider himself to be contributing financially as his DW pays into the family pot?

@ILoveCakeLikeTheToriesLoveRippingTaxPayersOff

say what?

Do you never stay with family/friends? Or go on holiday?

No they're not.

So what percentage do you think are furnished?

Wow - that's shocking actually. What a massive invasion of privacy and entitlement. Stand firm. I'd expect BIL to be unpleasant to you - he sounds the type to make lots of snide little comments. So grey rock it, or call him out on being entitled. Just don't feel bad or give in. This is all about power, and entitlement.

I´m from a Mediterranean culture and would tell your prick of a future brother in law to take a hike. Do not stand down.

@Revnol

Aside from this instance, how happy are you with living 'at home'?

it's fine if there's mutual appreciation of the benefits this brings and of your age/stage in life. But it's pretty shit if you're being treat like a child still.

it's YOUR space in the house you live in, your parents being 'disappointed' you won't give it up for DS/BIL so they can have the bigger room, when there's nothing wrong with the guest room is a dynamic I wouldn't be putting up with!

Is it a cultural thing with him being male & you female?

Culture is one thing, but not being treat like a naughty child doesn't have to be part of that AND you don't have to live in any way that makes you unhappy. You can move out if you want to, they may not like it, but it's YOUR life.

I'm sorry your mum needs help, but people that need help should appreciate it & not treat those helping like second class citizens in their own homes.

No, what? Why did your sister repeat that to you? That is some serious triangulation right there.

BIL hasn't said anything to you so nothing to respond to there. Either your sister is using him as a mouthpiece or she could even be making things up, who knows?

Next time she tries the "BIL said x" just say, "I really doubt a guest would say x, you probably misheard him."

Does cf sister contribute to the rent? Same proportion as you op?

Not that it makes a difference if you are there full time, but I could see how it irks a bit if that’s the case.

Oh and parents attitude is also “disappointing” given that they know you’ve given up your own life to support them. I’d be subtly reminding them of this occasionally.

I know it’s tradition but do you really want to do this possibly forever? Don’t you want more out of life?

You said in your first post “The room they will be in has a double bed”

In which case all this talk of people sleeping in other people’s beds is irrelevant. It’s a week. They are on leave, going out on day trips. They are not two people trying trying to live in the smaller room, they are just sleeping there for a week. CFs can get stuffed. Keep your room OP. They have a flat to go back to.

How lucky you are in Devon where there are lots of hotels, b and bs, rental properties, caravan parks……….. all with comfortable rooms to let.

Suggest they stay in your parent’s room.

I can understand a couple getting the bigger room if they were moving in, but they are literally staying for a week! It's unreasonable to expect you to move out for their benefit for the grand total of 7 days. Also, as you say, there's a double bed in the spare room - it's not like they are being asked to sleep on the sofa.

Thinking about it - I'd tell them they are welcome to move in and care for your mother. Then they can take that room while you go off and live your life free of being a carer. Honestly.

Woah @Revnol

Please, please, please don't back down on this. He is appallingly rude. I can't imagine in a million years being a guest in someone else's house as complaining because I can't have the host's own bedroom!

There is a perfectly good double guest room so you don't need to offer any other solutions or reasons to this. In fact don't even respond to it. Just use the MN classic 'That doesn't work for me'.

Stay strong! You're 100% in the right.

I'd be getting a computer in my room if that's a way to keep it. Either your parents accept that you live their permanently and it's your home and you don't get ousted when guests come or it's their house, they can allocate rooms as they please and it's time you flew the nest. They don't have to stay in the same house when they visit. They can stay locally.