BIL requesting to stay in my bedroom

[Revnol]

I'm 28 and currently living with my parents, not uncommon for people from my (Mediterranean) culture. It works okay for us, but one of the biggest benefits is that this setup enables my siblings and I to care for my mother who has had very serious health problems for most of my life.

Recently, we've had to move into a short term rental as our family home is in need of some fairly significant renovations.

We've found a comfortable home in a popular town in Devon. Two weeks into the stay my sister asked if she and her fiance could have my room for the week when they visit (annual leave).

I have been a people please for most of my life but I am starting to realise I need to stand up for myself where appropriate. So I said sorry but no. Not only would the logistics of changing rooms be annoying but this is very much my space/sanctuary. As you can imagine living with family can be claustrophobic so I very often retreat to my room when necessary.

It has got back to me my sister's fiance is annoyed. The room they will be in has a double bed but is not able to accommodate much else. But it is nicely decorated and clean. Whereas the room I'm in is much larger.

AIBU to say no? BIL's attitude/sense of entitlement had really rubbed me up the wrong way. BIL, who im beginning to see has a selfish streak, has a very strained relationship with his family and would NEVER ask this from his own bio sister. So, why me?

I was "given" the bigger room as my sister is often away for work and I'm not. I.e silly to have the big room sitting empty part of the time

AIBU?

Tell him to stay elsewhere if your offer isnt up to scratch. Unbelievable behaviour.

Did she show you because she somehow thought you would want to do what he wants just like she does? A very misconstrued idea of just how wonderful her fiancé is?!

Don't defend them! Their demands are indefensible! It's for a week - not a lifetime.

Because my guests are not my PRIORITY. My own family is. Would I pay for accommodation somewhere for myself? Yes. Would I pay for someone else? No. Why should that suddenly change because they more in my house?

@Hbh17 in an update OP said they were offered her parents’ large room which wouldn’t have inconvenienced them as they only sleep there, but fiancé wouldn’t hear of it.

We’ve offered our room sometimes. Hosts in Italy have always given us their own room which I didn’t want to accept but was told it was a mark of hospitality to give the ‘best room’. Definitely didn’t cultural norms

Different

If it’s a room with space around a double bed it’s not a single room. I agree with @Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight

I disagree with
’But I can see that if everyone (including CF sister) contributes equally to the family budget, and it is a house you are ‘staying in’, rather like an extended holiday let, rather than ‘living in’, there could be more of an expectation that people move rooms to suit different circumstances. E.g smaller room because CF Sis is away half the time v bigger room when there are 2 of them.’

While you’re living there it’s your base, your home and your full time bedsitting room trumps their short visit.

@Revnol you say your sister is a plain speaker, nothing wrong with that. I suggest you take the same approach.

Do not be forced to give in to their wishes, not by them, or your parents. If it’s mentioned again just scoff and say it’s terribly entitled of him to want to turf me out when there’s sis’s permanent room sitting there all the time, why would anyone think like that?

Next time she does this I'd just respond with 'Why are you sending me this?' Make her really think about what she's doing and why and how it looks. Because it's not normal to do this.

His estrangement from his whole family suggests he has form for tantrums when he doesn't get his own way. Don't let him intimitdate or make you question yourself!

Also, not that it makes a difference but HE is the one choosing to place himself in this situation. My parents have not specifically invited him (there is an open invitation policy).

Also, when CF sis first brought up the idea (in person, BIL not present) I did list of a bunch of reasons kmmediately why it wasnt a good idea. One being I'm emotional right now due to a break up and need my space. She said "yhat's what I told!"/"I told him that!" SEVERAL times. Which just makes me speculate re the kind of conversation there was where my CF sis expressed why I wouldnt go for it. Suggests he was pushing for it imo.

It's just a room to sleep in for them, surely that's enough space.

I cannot imagine going to stay with my in-laws and announcing that the spare room wasn't good enough for me so one of the family must give up their room. It's just bizarre.

Also, when CF sis first brought up the idea (in person, BIL not present) I did list of a bunch of reasons kmmediately why it wasnt a good idea. One being I'm emotional right now due to a break up and need my space. She said "yhat's what I told!"/"I told him that!" SEVERAL times.

Same as the screenshots, I'd ask her to explain/justify why she is raising this and why she thinks it's acceptable to even ask. Make her think.

Stick to your guns. You are the daughter and your needs come before your sister's fiancé.

Travelodge do lovely spacious rooms… if they don’t want to stay in the guest room for free, perhaps they need to pay for a hotel.

What a CF he is! He doesn’t get to request rooms like he’s booking a hotel. He belongs in the guest room and should be grateful he’s being offered a private room with a large bed and not sleeping on an inflatable bed in the living room. Or the garden shed, where he actually belongs. It’s unbelievably entitled of him to expect you to be willing to turf yourself out of your own bedroom because he wants it. It’s not a spare room - it’s an occupied one! Stand your ground, OP!

This thread is similar to the step son who wanted his step brother turfed out of his loft room with ensuite, when he stayed an extra weekend per month.

In both cases the “guest’s” expectations are too high!

So call her out on that. "Sis, I'm deleting that screenshot as it appears to be of a private conversation". We're not changing g the room arrangements. Looking forward to seeing you.

Another of many reasons this is cf behaviour is that this isn’t even the usual family home but a temporary rental while that has work done to it. Knowing that you’re all working with a temporary solution anyway surely a guest would be extra amenable??

Is she the eldest by any chance?

I wouldn't give up my room in a situation like this. Your private things are in that room, and when you are an adult, privacy is important, especially if you have to share your living space with a parent. Future BIL does not sound like the sort of polite person who would leave your private things alone. I would be worried he was digging through my private things. Also, why should you have to live out of a suitcase for a week just because they chose to visit?

Your sister is getting married and when that happens she will presumably move out altogether. That means there is an end-date, for her, to the enforced family closeness that your mum's illness has created. A week or two in the smallest bedroom is not a big deal given this reality. If she pushes the issue now, and causes relationships between the siblings to sour, the whole house of cards that is the family caregiving agreement, could fall apart. The same goes for your parents being "disappointed" that you didn't give up your room. So it's really in everyone's best interests, in the long term, if you stand your ground.

There's nothing wrong, per se, with asking if you'd be open to switching for the week.

However, you have to be prepared to accept it if the answer is no. It's your room and therefore, you get to make the decision. That's when it becomes CF territory.

There's so much entitlement radiating from this-why does BIL get to decide which room he gets in YOUR temporary home? If he's staying there for free, or at least, cheaper than he'd expect to pay in a hotel or b&b, he gets what he's given.

If he's not happy about that or it doesn't meet his exacting standards-he knows what he can do. Dip his short hands into those deep pockets and pay for a hotel. He doesn't get to decide what accommodation he receives in a home that isn't his. That's not how it works.

Stand your ground, OP. If you give in here, he will continue to expect you to bow down to his every wit, whim and desire.

I'd let them have your room, if they go halves on a fancy hotel for YOU!

Look I know that won't happen, so stick to your guns. Surely CF sister sees her Fiancé as a chancer and needs to tell him it's unreasonable of him to demand your room. She should start as she means to go on. They have a room, it's just not yours!

No

They have a double bed in a room

Be grateful they are not on the floor or on sofa in living room

This is your room and sanctuary

My patience with him has evaporated into thin air. Came down to see his lunch plate in the sink and it gave me the rage. Who does he bloody think should load his plate whilst he spends the PM in Bath??

When BIL first stayed with us, parents weren't okay with him sleeping in same room as sister - dont appear to care post propsal.

But for whatever reason it would ALWAYS be my sis on the sofa. Never once took it in turns. Looking back on egs like this with a fresh pair of eyes.

Could be worse, could be a double room with a single bed. How would he like dem apples?