SAHM, aibu that this shouldn’t mean house maid?

CupEmpty · 2023-05-08T12:27:58+00:00

Just wondering whether I’m justified in feeling a little pissed off. I am a SAHM for last 2 years as basically gave up my good career to facilitate DHs - international moves and lots of solo parenting required whilst he worked abroad/ moved around etc. he couldn’t have done this if I had still worked. But he does earn a very good salary. We have just moved back to uk and he has taken on a much easier role for much less money so we can have more time together as a family. I currently have a 2yo and 6 mo baby. my gripe is he doesn’t help with the house at all, and I’m struggling to keep up with the amount of mess everyone - including him! - makes. To be clear I’m talking about him *tidying up after himself and sometimes the kids *not cleaning (eg I wouldn’t expect him to clean the bathroom for example. however small things for example- - leaves all his clothes on bedroom/ bathroom floor eg dirty socks, underwear. I pick up and put in wash basket - doesn’t hang up wet used towels- leaves on floor/ bed - doesnt put coffee cups etc in sink/ dishwasher - left dirty on side nor breakfast/ lunch plates/ lunch box etc - kicks shoes off in utility- doesn’t clear up own mud/ put on shoe rack - If changes wet nappy leaves on side / floor doesn’t throw in bin - if feeding kids leaves dirty plates/ cups on table never puts in sink etc etc it wasn’t so much of an issue before as he was out the house most of the day and I’d have it cleaned when he came home, but now he is at home a lot the place is a tip constantly. for balance/ he does all the bills/ household utilities stuff, the cars and is proactive with the kids but I do all the cooking/ laundry/ cleaning and most of the childcare/ night wakes - baby still breastfed etc. I guess I’m not sure what’s reasonable to expect of him now we are in more of a stable home life.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 08/05/2023 13:32

Yanbu.

It takes nothing to tidy up after himself. He should do it. Sahm means just that. You’re not his skivvy.

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 13:32

You’re very lucky to be a SAHM. Most women have to work full time, pay for extortionate childcare, juggle both and the house albeit of husband works full time too then he could do half the housework cooking and dropping and collecting from the various pricey childcare establishments too….you don’t work at all so yes it’s completely reasonable you do all that!

Sparklfairy · 08/05/2023 13:35

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 13:32

You’re very lucky to be a SAHM. Most women have to work full time, pay for extortionate childcare, juggle both and the house albeit of husband works full time too then he could do half the housework cooking and dropping and collecting from the various pricey childcare establishments too….you don’t work at all so yes it’s completely reasonable you do all that!

No way. Not him just leaving clothes on the floor for her to pick up! Nobody is so busy they can't do that themselves. He's being completely disrespectful.

Delatron · 08/05/2023 13:36

I think he should tidy up after himself. Being a SAHM doesn’t mean you’re a slave. That you pick up dirty washing/ cups that he’s left. He’s basically showing you zero respect. If he lived by himself and worked full time he’d have to do that and more.

Don’t let posters like the one above make this a SAHM versus working Mum debate. That’s not their point. She’s lucky to be picking up dirty pants all day? Really.

Whyisitdarkalready · 08/05/2023 13:36

You need to speak up. Tell him that he's left the clothes in the bathroom and don't pick them up for him. He is obviously used to you doing it so doesn't give it a second thought. Point out if he's left the nappy out, don't take it away yourself.

If he's not told, he won't change. If he still continues with this behaviour, once pointed out, I think you will have to have serious words!!!

Delatron · 08/05/2023 13:37

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 13:32

You’re very lucky to be a SAHM. Most women have to work full time, pay for extortionate childcare, juggle both and the house albeit of husband works full time too then he could do half the housework cooking and dropping and collecting from the various pricey childcare establishments too….you don’t work at all so yes it’s completely reasonable you do all that!

This is bullshit basically and much projecting going on..

balzamico · 08/05/2023 13:38

@Oxbridgetitans what a ridiculous response - OP is simply asking for basic respect and keeping the place tidy after himself.

Dedodee · 08/05/2023 13:39

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 13:32

You’re very lucky to be a SAHM. Most women have to work full time, pay for extortionate childcare, juggle both and the house albeit of husband works full time too then he could do half the housework cooking and dropping and collecting from the various pricey childcare establishments too….you don’t work at all so yes it’s completely reasonable you do all that!

Don't be ridiculous.
Her dh is a slob.
If the OP is a sahm it's to supply childcare first and clean , cook etc but not to follow a lazy pig around who is so disrespectful.

Spendonsend · 08/05/2023 13:39

I agree. A sahm is not a maid and adults should pick up after themselves and children should be learning too.
I think its really disrespectful to leave crap all over the place and not leave a toilet or sink as you found it.

AnotherForumUser · 08/05/2023 13:41

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 13:32

You’re very lucky to be a SAHM. Most women have to work full time, pay for extortionate childcare, juggle both and the house albeit of husband works full time too then he could do half the housework cooking and dropping and collecting from the various pricey childcare establishments too….you don’t work at all so yes it’s completely reasonable you do all that!

Should the OP offer to wipe his arse and brush his teeth too? She is talking about basic personal responsibility. Do you drop your shit wherever you are instead of chucking nappies in the bin or your skid marked underwear into the laundry basket? She's not asking him to do the laundry or cleaning just to not be a vile slob. Tidying up after yourself, even if there's a SAHM or hotel maid running around, is basic adulting.

Yellowrosesmakemehappy · 08/05/2023 13:41

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 13:32

You’re very lucky to be a SAHM. Most women have to work full time, pay for extortionate childcare, juggle both and the house albeit of husband works full time too then he could do half the housework cooking and dropping and collecting from the various pricey childcare establishments too….you don’t work at all so yes it’s completely reasonable you do all that!

Are you serious??? Yes OP should be doing more around the house but her DH is literally not doing basic tiny tasks, it’s disrespectful and he’s being an awful role model to his children.

Its so much easier to clean and tidy the house when basic standard are met like taking your own dirty washing to the wash basket.

Namechangedagain20 · 08/05/2023 13:42

I’m a SAHM. DH helps to clean the house and tidy when he’s home because he’s not a lazy twat. I’m not in the house all day cleaning because we have young toddlers (3 & 1) and I take them to playgroups/library/the park and do all the activities with them that a nursery or childminder would. Obviously I get some done in the day but I don’t have all day to clean and tidy because I’m looking after young children, the same as the OP. Of course her DH should be chipping in when he’s there.

inkyfingers · 08/05/2023 13:44

Do you get time out of the house for your own friends, hobbies etc? And does he respect those times and clean up when he’s sole carer? This is important. You are both parents for our children and he should acknowledge it’s a shared role, even if you do nearly all of it.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 08/05/2023 13:44

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 13:32

You’re very lucky to be a SAHM. Most women have to work full time, pay for extortionate childcare, juggle both and the house albeit of husband works full time too then he could do half the housework cooking and dropping and collecting from the various pricey childcare establishments too….you don’t work at all so yes it’s completely reasonable you do all that!

He’s a grown man, he can pick up his dirty pants and put them in the wash basket. Op isn’t expecting him to lick the grout clean in the bathroom. It’s disrespectful.

DisquietintheRanks · 08/05/2023 13:44

Of course you should pick up his dirty clothes - and throw them in the garden. Ditto his dirty plates, shoes left lying around etc Or stick them in a bin bag in the garage if you are feeling kind. See how long it takes him to notice.

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 13:45

Delatron · 08/05/2023 13:36

I think he should tidy up after himself. Being a SAHM doesn’t mean you’re a slave. That you pick up dirty washing/ cups that he’s left. He’s basically showing you zero respect. If he lived by himself and worked full time he’d have to do that and more.

Don’t let posters like the one above make this a SAHM versus working Mum debate. That’s not their point. She’s lucky to be picking up dirty pants all day? Really.

No but she’s lucky to not have to work at all. The rest isn’t a big deal frankly as a result but yes sure tell him to throw them in the laundry basket rather than the floor: still your job to take them out of laundry basket to wash them if you’re home all day each day with your kids -and what a very privileged position that is!

mauvish · 08/05/2023 13:47

So basically he starts jobs (eg changing nappy) but doesn't finish them (throw used nappy away).

Or he starts selfcare (gets undressed, showers) but doesn't finish the job (leaves clothes and towels where they dropped off him). I take it he gets as far as flushing his used toilet paper away after a crap?!!

YANBU at all. You're not asking him to do extra, just to do a decent job of what little he does do!

Delatron · 08/05/2023 13:47

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 13:45

No but she’s lucky to not have to work at all. The rest isn’t a big deal frankly as a result but yes sure tell him to throw them in the laundry basket rather than the floor: still your job to take them out of laundry basket to wash them if you’re home all day each day with your kids -and what a very privileged position that is!

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You’ll see nobody is agreeing with you - a SAHM is not a slave. It doesn’t mean picking up dirty pants no. Give over. It’s a choice but some women may prefer working. Stop going on about how privileged the OP is - you don’t know anything about their circumstances. It is a big deal if your husband shows you no respect.

Paq · 08/05/2023 13:48

YANBU. He's an adult who needs to look after himself. He doesn't have his mummy to pick up his dirty socks now he's all grown up.

Rainbow1901 · 08/05/2023 13:51

It's not unreasonable to expect that he should pick up and clean up after himself. After all when he was working away and stopping in hotels he would eventually have to pick up his stuff even if only to shove in the suitcase before he headed home.
It's not wrong to be house proud but he needn't make your life harder. You should mention it to him and if he ignores you then do what I had to do with my DH when we got together. If he didn't put laundry in the basket, it didn't get washed and ironed - he got the message when he had no clean shirts or underwear and had the audacity to ask why?

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 13:52

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Sparklfairy · 08/05/2023 13:52

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 13:45

No but she’s lucky to not have to work at all. The rest isn’t a big deal frankly as a result but yes sure tell him to throw them in the laundry basket rather than the floor: still your job to take them out of laundry basket to wash them if you’re home all day each day with your kids -and what a very privileged position that is!

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You're obviously jealous, and that's your own issue. But 'lucky' or not, he doesn't get to basically make her the house skivvy running round tidying his trail of lazy destruction.

SeasonFinale · 08/05/2023 13:54

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 13:32

You’re very lucky to be a SAHM. Most women have to work full time, pay for extortionate childcare, juggle both and the house albeit of husband works full time too then he could do half the housework cooking and dropping and collecting from the various pricey childcare establishments too….you don’t work at all so yes it’s completely reasonable you do all that!

🙄🤫

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 13:57

Sparklfairy · 08/05/2023 13:52

You're obviously jealous, and that's your own issue. But 'lucky' or not, he doesn't get to basically make her the house skivvy running round tidying his trail of lazy destruction.

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Not jealous. Im a medical professional with a long career as is my husband we put both our boys through private school and now on to Oxbridge both to study medicine. I was very lucky to be SAHM for the first 5 years of their lives and I didn’t resent doing all the housework cooking cleaning etc as that was my job whilst my husband paid for everything. I appreciated how lucky i was however! I was eager to get back to earning as a doctor after that and then we shared the housework as we shared the earning. New mums in this generation are lucky to be at home but seem to only want to sit with their kids. That’s not the full remit of being a SAHM !!!

IAmTheWalrus85 · 08/05/2023 13:57

I wouldn’t describe any adult who has to pick up another adult’s pants and socks up off the floor as ‘privileged’ or ‘lucky’.