SAHM, aibu that this shouldn’t mean house maid?

[CupEmpty]

Just wondering whether I’m justified in feeling a little pissed off. I am a SAHM for last 2 years as basically gave up my good career to facilitate DHs - international moves and lots of solo parenting required whilst he worked abroad/ moved around etc. he couldn’t have done this if I had still worked. But he does earn a very good salary. We have just moved back to uk and he has taken on a much easier role for much less money so we can have more time together as a family. I currently have a 2yo and 6 mo baby.

my gripe is he doesn’t help with the house at all, and I’m struggling to keep up with the amount of mess everyone - including him! - makes. To be clear I’m talking about him tidying up after himself and sometimes the kids not cleaning (eg I wouldn’t expect him to clean the bathroom for example.

however small things for example-

• leaves all his clothes on bedroom/ bathroom floor eg dirty socks, underwear. I pick up and put in wash basket
• doesn’t hang up wet used towels- leaves on floor/ bed
• doesnt put coffee cups etc in sink/ dishwasher - left dirty on side nor breakfast/ lunch plates/ lunch box etc
• kicks shoes off in utility- doesn’t clear up own mud/ put on shoe rack
• If changes wet nappy leaves on side / floor doesn’t throw in bin
• if feeding kids leaves dirty plates/ cups on table never puts in sink

etc etc

it wasn’t so much of an issue before as he was out the house most of the day and I’d have it cleaned when he came home, but now he is at home a lot the place is a tip constantly.

for balance/ he does all the bills/ household utilities stuff, the cars and is proactive with the kids but I do all the cooking/ laundry/ cleaning and most of the childcare/ night wakes - baby still breastfed etc.

I guess I’m not sure what’s reasonable to expect of him now we are in more of a stable home life.

While dc are preschool then your daytime role is childcare and therefore household tasks should be fairly distributed between you imo, once dc are in school if you don't go back to Work then I would say the sahp should pick up a majority of the household work.

It is acceptable to expect a SAHM to keep the house clean and tidy. It is not reasonable to expect a SAHM to pick up your every dirty plate or diaper from wherever random place you bother to leave it. One is their job, the other is treating them as a lesser form of human being. One is task specialization, the other is taking advantage of greater financial power as a way to denigrate the other person. You do not become a lesser form of human when you stop working for money. Being the person who earns the money in the marriage does not entitle you to treat your spouse who looks after the house and children as a lesser form of human.

Disgusting attitude.

Totally separate issue is that you quit your well-paying job to support your husband's career. You made a sacrifice for the family and for his career goals. That doesn't mean he gets to respect you LESS. It means he should respect you MORE.

A man who thinks nothing of leaving dirty diapers lying around because he's too far above you to pick them up himself, is not exactly trustworthy in how he's going to treat you the more pension/salary he earns, longer you are unemployed, the older you get, and the less employable you become. The differential in financial power between you will only get bigger, never smaller. Any chance you can go back to work?

Again: not remotely what I experienced. Refer to previous posts.

So why is it ok for the OP to do all that? See your first post.

OP, from the title of your thread I assumed you were being unreasonable but it's clear you're happy to do the housework as your part of the bargain but expect common courtesy from your DH in terms of picking up his own mess. YANBU.

@Oxbridgetitans
🙄

Easy fix: tell him once that you're not his maid.
Then just leave it all where it is.
And look into getting back into the wirkplace

The SAHP is responsible for the children, and any chores that can be done practically and safely, while the working parent is at work.

When both are at home, they are a team, same as if they had both been at work all day.

Baby and toddler is an intense period of parenting, that comes first. In a couple of years, it might be little one at preschool and big one at school... more time for housework. But still its the working parents responsibility to demonstrate that the sahp is not a skivvy.

As for the money bit... I originally came a sahp as childcare cost more than my wage. Plus the moving country regularly etc.

You said ‘You don’t work so yes it’s completely reasonable for you to do all that.’

So @Oxbridgetitans you didn’t do that as a SAHM but the OP should. Why is that?

Nope, he's sabotaging her cleaning if he's doing these things. Not ok.

Yeas, a SAHP should be doing the bulk of the cleaning as that's fair. But he ain't someone actively fuck up what you've just cleaned and tidied? Nah, that's not on.

Put the kids in nursery OP- explain to partner it’s so that you can do his housekeeping as well as effectively single parent full time.

I very much agree with the last part of this. It’s similar to what I just said about the fact I know of many women who were fortunate enough to be afforded to stay at home and didn’t go back to career (hence why I did!) and came very unstuck when their husbands left them which was usually when kids were mid to late teens and they were in their 40s and had very little apart from regret. I agree if you have a good career get back to work when they start school and ensure you’re still employable and financially stable. Then you can share all the other jobs too.

You can go both. It’s a busy time but completely do-able. Sone women are very very incapable and can only manage to do either/or. Multi task and get organised. It’s very possible and not that difficult.

i did everything but we had an actual dialogue between my husband and I where I said ‘there’s a laundry basket’ my suggestion is you speak to him and buy a blinking laundry basket. Honestly!

By the way, I don't consider the OP especially "lucky" to be a SAHM. Presumably it's a decision they weighed up as a couple, with pros and cons. Her DH is lucky she's a SAHM which has massively benefited his career and lifestyle.

Also an option. Then when you both have more money you spend it all on childcare and cleaners but you miss time with your kids. I would say stay at home until school kicks in (again a very very privileged position) then get back into your career. Until then once laundry basket kicks in you do it all yes absolutely, or go earn money and share it with him. Childcare for 2:£180 a day and a cleaner 45hrs a week £100? I will leave you decide if a conversation with your husband, a bigger laundry basket and some Lee way on your part may be better!

That’s upto her. She could just go back to work. Do the childcare cleaner maths. I guess they chose not to do that. In which case: the housework and cooking is hers right now. Maybe not forever but right now. If she goes back to work earning enough to sustain all4 of them then it’s his to do. Just aim your knickers at the laundry basket.

Well, @Oxbridgetitans , I wouldn't call it "fortunate" for a woman to stay at home if (as is well known) the consequence is that she will be left in penury if her husband divorces her. I think it is inconsistent for you to label it fortunate when you are well aware that, in fact, it is the woman taking on a massive financial risk and the husband getting a massive financial and career benefit. The woman takes all the risk, takes on the unpleasant work of doing all the menial (and unappreciated!) household work for the family, the husband gets to see his career thrive, gets the financial security, and knows that his children are being well-cared for at home, free of cost to himself.

As a doctor, maybe you were able to take several years off and then go back to continue your well-paying career. For many women who are manipulated/forced/backed into quitting their jobs by husbands who do F-A to help with the kids they fathered, there is not a way back to a decent job after making the sacrifice of being at home for several years. So I would suggest you get off your judgmental high-horse here.

It’s not just the laundry basket though it’s every thing else which you said was the OP’s job so which is it?

You did not say ‘no that’s not your job have a dialogue’ did you?

@Delatron I agree with you that @Oxbridgetitans is now changing what they said previously.

Yes she is!

Personally yes throw things in basket-it’s a very simple conversation-but honestly in my experience these are very small things in the greater scheme of things. Just crack on after a chat and get back to work asap

hence why I said if you can afford to be SAHM as living off husbands wage only for say 5 years you’re very lucky but then I would encourage getting back to work (various read a stated several times in previous posts)

I think this is the third time now. It’s NOT JUST THE LAUNDRY…

Stop diminishing what the OP is saying. He is leaving dirty nappies around for her to pick up, all his cups, he basically does not lift a finger. That is hugely disrespectful.

she can put the cups in the dishwasher that’s hardly serious disrespect on his part