SAHM, aibu that this shouldn’t mean house maid?

[CupEmpty]

Just wondering whether I’m justified in feeling a little pissed off. I am a SAHM for last 2 years as basically gave up my good career to facilitate DHs - international moves and lots of solo parenting required whilst he worked abroad/ moved around etc. he couldn’t have done this if I had still worked. But he does earn a very good salary. We have just moved back to uk and he has taken on a much easier role for much less money so we can have more time together as a family. I currently have a 2yo and 6 mo baby.

my gripe is he doesn’t help with the house at all, and I’m struggling to keep up with the amount of mess everyone - including him! - makes. To be clear I’m talking about him tidying up after himself and sometimes the kids not cleaning (eg I wouldn’t expect him to clean the bathroom for example.

however small things for example-

• leaves all his clothes on bedroom/ bathroom floor eg dirty socks, underwear. I pick up and put in wash basket
• doesn’t hang up wet used towels- leaves on floor/ bed
• doesnt put coffee cups etc in sink/ dishwasher - left dirty on side nor breakfast/ lunch plates/ lunch box etc
• kicks shoes off in utility- doesn’t clear up own mud/ put on shoe rack
• If changes wet nappy leaves on side / floor doesn’t throw in bin
• if feeding kids leaves dirty plates/ cups on table never puts in sink

etc etc

it wasn’t so much of an issue before as he was out the house most of the day and I’d have it cleaned when he came home, but now he is at home a lot the place is a tip constantly.

for balance/ he does all the bills/ household utilities stuff, the cars and is proactive with the kids but I do all the cooking/ laundry/ cleaning and most of the childcare/ night wakes - baby still breastfed etc.

I guess I’m not sure what’s reasonable to expect of him now we are in more of a stable home life.

https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

It's just respect.

You beat me to it! I was about to hunt down this article…

These are not small things. Lack of respect is a huge issue in a marriage.

Let me guess: she couldn’t possibly be expected to pick up cups and place in a dishwasher where she has to press a button as she has 2 children. Can’t possibly do both? Women are very capable of doing both! Whilst not earning a penny…(as are men if roles reversed) come on!

He will also divorce you if you can’t manage to do what single mothers do day on day out whilst also trying to earn money. Just get on with it!

I'm not even sure your posts are genuine or if you're just stirring.

You need to separate tidying up after yourself and housework
it was always the one at home does the kids and the house for us

it not unreasonable for the majority of housework to fall on the person at home

but irrespective of who’s doing what you pick up after yourself it’s no one job to pick up after you

Who are you talking to?

@Oxbridgetitans

You seem very unhappy and jealous that you can’t be a SAHP but that’s no reason to take it out on OP.

Any able-bodied adult should expect to clean up after himself, irrespective of his job, his earnings or how the family finances are arranged.

Single mothers don’t need to pick up after their husbands.. your posts are just bizarre.

Actually, by definition, single mothers only clean up after themselves and the children. They don't have a whole extra adult leaving trash lying around and therefore also training the children that they have no responsibility to tidy up after themselves.

oxbridgetitans is just stirring. Either that or the five years picking up her husband's dirty underwear from the floor addled her brain.

Hopefully this is your idea of a bad joke?
Why would she pick up his clothes? Or his dirty cups ?

@sevenbyseven let's choose to believe they aren't genuine because otherwise it is cringey as fuck

I am a sahm, I do all the house work, anything that's needs doing at home and look after dc's. I will not pick up after my dh as he is a grown adult who is more than capable of doing this himself. If I was the other way round and dh stayed at home I wouldn't leave stuff around for him to pick up just cos I worked. Your not his mum your his partner. Have a chat with him and tell him it's not ok and your not prepared to do it anymore.

Go back to work?

Probably wont help though as Im a full time worker. Main earner/breadwinner and also house maid

Again: read my previous posts. I was a SAHM then chose to go back to my career. My children are older now. Hence why I speak from experience.

Yet again read previous posts. I advised telling him to throw dirties in Landry basket. The cups aren’t a huge sign of disrespect. Just throw them in the dishwasher with yours? Not difficult.

Look up bridging the gap. It's about just this sort of behaviour and how to fix it.

Yanbu. My six year old has to put clothes in a dirty laundry basket and tidy up his toys, put rubbish in the bin, put his shoes back on the shoe rack and not just leave them in the hallway... and I would hope that he'll still do these things as an adult even with a stay at home wife. It should be automatic and I'm trying to instill all these little habits in him.

I would not do any of his washing that doesn't make it into the laundry basket. Ask him "can you hang up your towel please" "can you put that in the bin please" until he gets the message that you're not a skivvy!

Again: another one who hasn’t read my posts. Stayed I didn’t do that. We had a laundry baskets and a dialogue. I’ve suggested she do this but the rest isn’t a big deal and she should just get on with it seen as she’s at home and doesn’t earn. Yes.

She has a 6 month old. Many women are still on maternity leave at this time and have husbands that recognise their wives are doing a full time job looking after the babies and will do as much as they can to take the load off when they get home. Genuine question for you - when a woman takes maternity leave do you always expect them to take on 100% of everything except going to work? Or is that only the case when they use the SAHP title?

They also have to somehow earn all the money to support them and their children whilst doing all of that. That’s the tricky part. I work closely with a single parents charity and they have to somehow work at the same time as bringing up their children aloneAND so all the cleaning and cooking by themselves. Hence why know OP is very privileged and needs perspective after a very quick and simple confers action that goes ‘hey throw any nappies in that bin and can you Chuck your dirties in the basket cheers’ it’s not rocket science. I think the dirty cup drama is ridiculous!!

Correction: many also can’t afford to be on maternity leave or are single parents. That’s why this post is so entitled. SAHM are very lucky. I was one for 5 years before I chose up return to my career. I felt lucky. The rest is a simple conversation she could have had quicker than typing the original post.

@Oxbridgetitans

'Just throw them in the dishwasher with yours? Not difficult.'

If it's not difficult, he can do it.
Disrespectful arse that he is.