SAHM, aibu that this shouldn’t mean house maid?

[CupEmpty]

Just wondering whether I’m justified in feeling a little pissed off. I am a SAHM for last 2 years as basically gave up my good career to facilitate DHs - international moves and lots of solo parenting required whilst he worked abroad/ moved around etc. he couldn’t have done this if I had still worked. But he does earn a very good salary. We have just moved back to uk and he has taken on a much easier role for much less money so we can have more time together as a family. I currently have a 2yo and 6 mo baby.

my gripe is he doesn’t help with the house at all, and I’m struggling to keep up with the amount of mess everyone - including him! - makes. To be clear I’m talking about him tidying up after himself and sometimes the kids not cleaning (eg I wouldn’t expect him to clean the bathroom for example.

however small things for example-

• leaves all his clothes on bedroom/ bathroom floor eg dirty socks, underwear. I pick up and put in wash basket
• doesn’t hang up wet used towels- leaves on floor/ bed
• doesnt put coffee cups etc in sink/ dishwasher - left dirty on side nor breakfast/ lunch plates/ lunch box etc
• kicks shoes off in utility- doesn’t clear up own mud/ put on shoe rack
• If changes wet nappy leaves on side / floor doesn’t throw in bin
• if feeding kids leaves dirty plates/ cups on table never puts in sink

etc etc

it wasn’t so much of an issue before as he was out the house most of the day and I’d have it cleaned when he came home, but now he is at home a lot the place is a tip constantly.

for balance/ he does all the bills/ household utilities stuff, the cars and is proactive with the kids but I do all the cooking/ laundry/ cleaning and most of the childcare/ night wakes - baby still breastfed etc.

I guess I’m not sure what’s reasonable to expect of him now we are in more of a stable home life.

I’m sorry that’s ridiculous! Two young children is very hard work and a deserving job but it’s not to the level where you cannot possibly fill up the dishwasher or throw a bunch of clothes into the washing machine or dryer and press start is it! You aren’t using a bloody mangle with7 kids like the old days. That’s crazy! But so many call HIM lazy?! Basic household tasks alongside childcare whilst being at home and him earning every penny is reasonable,

How commendable @Oxbridgetitans. Helping all those single mothers. Bet they are full of regret at not throwing that extra cup in the dishwasher now! Some women just don’t know how good they’ve got it according to you.

I think you need to take over managing some of the utilities/insurance/finance tasks - not working or having an oversight of those kinds of things puts you in a really weakened position. There's no doubt that DH needs to step up on the drudge front and not just stuff for himself but I think it's really important for you to have a bit more control on household finances.

Yes, you can do quick tasks like this while caring for a baby and toddler, and clean up mess generated by being at home with them.

But you can’t guarantee having time when they’re both asleep to do the jobs which aren’t safe to do around them- bleaching bathrooms, for example, or ironing, or having to leave them alone in the house while you take the bins round to the road. In that case, it’s reasonable to expect the father to do the childcare while OP cleans (and it sounds like this does happen)- but then he is equally capable of putting pants in a basket and dirty nappies in the bin.

Ok so you don’t have to pick up cups but you have to earn a lot more now I assume? Maybe you also worked when you were with your ex-if so then yes the housework should have been divided if the earning was too but this particular OP doesn’t work at all so she should be doing all the housework (1 small conversation re laundry aside) the rest is trivial! He may not be an evil disrespectful pig of a man, simply had other things like earning enough to keep 4…on his mind and just needs a reminder. Cups and towels are such a non issue just pick them up and feel lucky you don’t have to be in an office by 8am after dropping 2 kids to £200 a day childcare at 730am like sone of the poor women we help. Seriously privileged. Stop moaning about minutiae.

Yes I’ve said that a hundred times. Those things are tiny.the rest you can do easily. There’s many hours in the day.

Massively agree re the financials. As I said on previous posts I’ve seen it all too many times before. Get back to your career asap once children in school (if you’re lucky enough to be able to afford to be off for that long) don’t wait to long regardless….

I think you have a warped perception of my point. Throwing a cup in dishwasher whilst not having to earn a penny being at home is easy compared to being a single mum doing all the housework and childcare and working full time isn’t it.

You’re absolutely right. Have a talk with him about it. Your job is looking after the kids instead of nursery. Nursery workers don’t spend their whole time cleaning up a house of other adults, they focus on the kids. Kids come first and you clean up around them and do what you can housework wise as much as possible.

When DH comes home you both share everything.

Why don't I believe you?
Made up nonsense.
A SAHM is not a general skivvy and any child/ adult who is physically capable should be picking up their own dirty pants and hanging up wet towels. The DH sounds like a lazy slob.

Anybody who finds their work so challenging that on their days off they are unable to realise that a soiled nappy needs to go in the bin (rather than dumped on the floor in reach of a toddler and a mobile baby) is probably in the wrong job.

Another one who is incapable of reading my previous posts.

@Oxbridgetitans I hope that you are more compassionate towards your patients than you are to op.

I work closely with a single parents charity
As a surgeon?

Yes I do work full time @Oxbridgetitans. And I don't need patronising from women who excuse lazy incompetent disrespectful men.

I read this one. I‘m also capable of reading the others-I just disagree with much of what you’ve said.

He/she isn't a surgeon. He/she appears to have a huge chip about SAHM.

I was a stay at home Mum for many years. I was very appreciative and respectful of the job DH did providing for us. One of the ways in which I showed that was the effort I put into the childminding, the housework, the admin, the garden, the cooking, the shopping, yah di yah di yah.

He was also respectful and appreciative of the job I did keeping shit together at home, enabling him to focus on his career, and being present as a parent and partner when at home. He did this by picking up after himself, being very ready to take over and parent when he got home to give me a break, if I'd had a shit day, he'd take over the cooking, if we'd both had shit days, we'd get takeout. . . he would never have dreamed of leaving a dirty nappy on the floor. That's just grotty. Ditto leaving dirty plates on the table after a meal was finished. That's slovenly. It only takes a couple of minutes to finish the job. If he left stuff in a state, because, life, and work, he'd apologise, and I'd be fine with it, because there wasn't a general attitude of disrespect, and taking me for granted.

I also know more sahm who have cleaners, personal trainers than I do working mothers who have cleaners. Most of them all have senior school age kids. Lots of time spent doing stuff for themselves. OP I think you’ve fallen in to the dangerous stereotype roles as in your husband does all the “manly business “and women were traditionally far too busy being in servile roles . The problem is the role you have assumed is only useful in your family life not in the workplace. He’s retained control, autonomy and a foot in both camps without having to compromise himself in anyway

my husband is the surgeon. I also work in the medical field yes.

😂😂😂
Thats so funny!

Theres a lot less to clean and tidy when both parents work full time. Nobody is home to make a mess.

But seriously, you are not his maid. I was a SAHM for ages. DH shared housework with me on the weekend if there was something left to do. I did 90% of it during the week, but sometimes some laundry was left or i didnt fee like cooking and he would do it.
Cleaning up after himself is the bare minimum and its pretty pathetic that your DH even has to be asked to do that.

Perhaps try making a list of things you expect him to do discussing this calmly with him without being accusatory. If this doesn't work, leave his clothes, etc, where he drops them, just keep your things and your kids sorted. Then, when he needs clean clothes or towels, calmly explain that you washed everything in the laundry bag. Don't get drawn into an argument that could lead to shouting and possibly violence from him. Men don't like to be confronted, so just calmly explain that you expect him to do his part.

No idea why it’s unthinkable to you that a woman can work on medicine. Millions do. That’s sad.

OP - mbosnz - last line says it all. I was married young to a good looking slob, lasted 5years before I left.

Next, pregnant, I married a man with ocd although didn’t realise this beforehand.
The old adage of not knowing what someone is really like until you live with them
is true now as ever darkly quoted by grans everywhere, as is ‘the bottom line in a marriage is respect ‘
I don’t understand how anyone can behave like this, piggy, slovenly, insanitary, but then I was trained for twenty years by 2 Virgos.

This also seems a perennial problem which in my experience with various friends and acquaintances over many years had the same effect and eventual outcome.

There are some thoughtful, kind posts on this thread for you.

I just tend to think, if it is so minor that it shouldn't matter that you don't do it, and leave it for someone else to do instead, it is so minor that you can take those extra few minutes, steps, and thoughts, and do it yourself!

If you're a SAHM then yes you should be doing all the cooking, cleaning, washing up and laundry so YABU in that sense.

If he doesn't pick his towel up then leave it where it is so he can have a soggy towel the next morning.

Your list of things he doesn't do are all rather petty small things. I couldn't care less if my shoes are kicked off and not on the rack.

FWIW I work 40 hours a week term time, and I do nearly all the cooking, cleaning, meal planning, food shopping and laundry, then 80% of the childcare. DH works full time (not term time only) but his work hours are less flexible.