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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SAHM, aibu that this shouldn’t mean house maid?

238 replies

CupEmpty · 08/05/2023 13:27

Just wondering whether I’m justified in feeling a little pissed off. I am a SAHM for last 2 years as basically gave up my good career to facilitate DHs - international moves and lots of solo parenting required whilst he worked abroad/ moved around etc. he couldn’t have done this if I had still worked. But he does earn a very good salary. We have just moved back to uk and he has taken on a much easier role for much less money so we can have more time together as a family. I currently have a 2yo and 6 mo baby.

my gripe is he doesn’t help with the house at all, and I’m struggling to keep up with the amount of mess everyone - including him! - makes. To be clear I’m talking about him tidying up after himself and sometimes the kids not cleaning (eg I wouldn’t expect him to clean the bathroom for example.

however small things for example-

  • leaves all his clothes on bedroom/ bathroom floor eg dirty socks, underwear. I pick up and put in wash basket
  • doesn’t hang up wet used towels- leaves on floor/ bed
  • doesnt put coffee cups etc in sink/ dishwasher - left dirty on side nor breakfast/ lunch plates/ lunch box etc
  • kicks shoes off in utility- doesn’t clear up own mud/ put on shoe rack
  • If changes wet nappy leaves on side / floor doesn’t throw in bin
  • if feeding kids leaves dirty plates/ cups on table never puts in sink
etc etc

it wasn’t so much of an issue before as he was out the house most of the day and I’d have it cleaned when he came home, but now he is at home a lot the place is a tip constantly.

for balance/ he does all the bills/ household utilities stuff, the cars and is proactive with the kids but I do all the cooking/ laundry/ cleaning and most of the childcare/ night wakes - baby still breastfed etc.

I guess I’m not sure what’s reasonable to expect of him now we are in more of a stable home life.

OP posts:
Delatron · 08/05/2023 15:02

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 14:57

They also have to somehow earn all the money to support them and their children whilst doing all of that. That’s the tricky part. I work closely with a single parents charity and they have to somehow work at the same time as bringing up their children aloneAND so all the cleaning and cooking by themselves. Hence why know OP is very privileged and needs perspective after a very quick and simple confers action that goes ‘hey throw any nappies in that bin and can you Chuck your dirties in the basket cheers’ it’s not rocket science. I think the dirty cup drama is ridiculous!!

Show quote history

So you don’t think it’s her job then? You do want her to tell him to put his clothes in the laundry, to tidy up the cups, put his shoes away and throw the nappies away? Just because in your first post you mentioned nothing about this dialogue and that everything was her job. You’ve changed your tune…

Then you obviously went down the whole SAHM are privileged blah blah route.

Malarandras · 08/05/2023 15:02

Well I am an actual lone parent who works and I have less housework to do now than when I was married to a man just like the OPs husband. She is not being unreasonable. Just because I have to do everything doesn’t mean stay at home mums have to pick up after their husbands. That just makes zero sense.

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 15:02

ImperfectAlf · 08/05/2023 15:00

@Oxbridgetitans

'Just throw them in the dishwasher with yours? Not difficult.'

If it's not difficult, he can do it.
Disrespectful arse that he is.

that arse is busy working full time earning enough to keep 4 people. She’s at home. Throw the cup in dishwasher and press go on the washing machine at the same time whilst the baby naps if you really can’t do it whilst holding him/her.

Doggymummar · 08/05/2023 15:02

I think the person who is home should do whatever needs doing, that's not unreasonable.

I would think OP is out a lot at clubs nursery etc and oh seems to work from home so he could be doing a tidy round whilst waiting for kettle to boil, putting a load of washing on between meetings bunging dinner in the oven etc. That's how it works in our house anyway.

If things aren't in the laundry basket they don't get washed simple as. If cups are in the offices they don't get washed it's hardly a big deal to do them next time or horror of horrors wash them by hand.

Give and take,and if it's out of wgCK talk about it or get a cleaner or preferably an aupair.

Freefall212 · 08/05/2023 15:04

This is more a respect than a division of labour issue.

The items you have mentioned are more than reasonable for him to do. I would approach a conversation with him about it from a respect angle. That while you have different responsibilities, this is a partnership and there needs to be respect for what you do by not leaving you little mundane tasks that would take him 30 seconds. You are equals, you are not his PA.

I would not discuss this as a division of labour as these aren't household tasks that need to be divided, this is just basic courtesy and being a respectful adult.

Fedupwife28 · 08/05/2023 15:05

It’s funny how people view things because you’ve got a 6mo and if you did work outside of the home, you wouldn’t be a SAHM but a mum on mat leave.
Tell your DH you’re nobody’s slave and that he needs to pick up after himself. It’s rude, and these people saying you should do it have set themselves a low bar in life

Pallisers · 08/05/2023 15:05

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 14:53

Again: another one who hasn’t read my posts. Stayed I didn’t do that. We had a laundry baskets and a dialogue. I’ve suggested she do this but the rest isn’t a big deal and she should just get on with it seen as she’s at home and doesn’t earn. Yes.

Show quote history

My apologies. I thought you told the OP to suck it up because you did the things she is complaining about.

Turns out you didn't do anything like the OP is expected to do. So not sure what relevance your "Suck it up you lucky woman" post has since your experience was radically different to OP's.

Maybe you meant to say "Oh, OP you need to talk to your DH about this. I did and we established that I wouldn't pick up his towels or dirty clothes" That might have been more helpful.

Clymene · 08/05/2023 15:05

Is your husband even more of a lazy cunt than the OP's @Oxbridgetitans? That's the only reason I can fathom that you're defending him.

MrsRandom123 · 08/05/2023 15:06

Whilst he should tidy up after himself & not make your job “harder” i think generally all the housework and child stuff should be done by the sahp if the other is earning all the money

i take it your not spending money all over the shop…coffees, lunch out, take aways so you don’t have to cook? By not “wasting” his earned money you don’t make the financial burden harder for him so it works both ways & whilst you are doing all the household things he can’t get in the way

ItsBritneyBitchhhh · 08/05/2023 15:07

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 14:00

Completely the opposite:having done both I have valid experience and am commenting based on that. It’s your job at the moment OP. If you choose to go back to work full time then it’s both your jobs. If he stays at home and you only work it’s all his job. It’s very simple.

Show quote history

Are you purposely missing the point?

The OP isn’t complaining that she has to do housework. She’s annoyed that her husband is treating her like a maid which he really is doing!

Leaving underwear on the floor, wet towels on the bed etc is so disrespectful. So because his wife is home she should literally tidy up after him? Doing laundry is different to being upset that you’re literally EXPECTED to pick shit up from the floor. How is that the OP’s job as a SAHP?

Someone commented perfectly. The OP’s job is to do childcare, cook and clean (in that order imo) why should she be picking up shit from the floor? Come on man

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 15:10

Clymene · 08/05/2023 15:05

Is your husband even more of a lazy cunt than the OP's @Oxbridgetitans? That's the only reason I can fathom that you're defending him.

No. See previous posts.

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 15:11

Clymene · 08/05/2023 15:05

Is your husband even more of a lazy cunt than the OP's @Oxbridgetitans? That's the only reason I can fathom that you're defending him.

I wouldn’t call the OPs a lazy C either as he’s working full time earning enough to provide for all 4….he’s not sat on benefits.

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 15:12

MrsRandom123 · 08/05/2023 15:06

Whilst he should tidy up after himself & not make your job “harder” i think generally all the housework and child stuff should be done by the sahp if the other is earning all the money

i take it your not spending money all over the shop…coffees, lunch out, take aways so you don’t have to cook? By not “wasting” his earned money you don’t make the financial burden harder for him so it works both ways & whilst you are doing all the household things he can’t get in the way

Amen

HecticHedgehog · 08/05/2023 15:16

Just pick it all up and dump it in his chair when he sits,

HecticHedgehog · 08/05/2023 15:16

Where! Although when would probably work too but might be a bit too much

ittakes2 · 08/05/2023 15:18

Just get an aupair or a cleaner.

ASimpleLampoon · 08/05/2023 15:18

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 13:32

You’re very lucky to be a SAHM. Most women have to work full time, pay for extortionate childcare, juggle both and the house albeit of husband works full time too then he could do half the housework cooking and dropping and collecting from the various pricey childcare establishments too….you don’t work at all so yes it’s completely reasonable you do all that!

If women who are working fulltime are doing all the house stuff and paying all the childcare they also have a DH problem

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 15:19

ittakes2 · 08/05/2023 15:18

Just get an aupair or a cleaner.

I rest my case in saying I know so many SAHM that got cleaners and Au pairs :) now who is lazy:)

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 15:19

ASimpleLampoon · 08/05/2023 15:18

If women who are working fulltime are doing all the house stuff and paying all the childcare they also have a DH problem

Show quote history

Single parents dear.

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 15:22

ASimpleLampoon · 08/05/2023 15:18

If women who are working fulltime are doing all the house stuff and paying all the childcare they also have a DH problem

Show quote history

Ah re-read that post you’re quoting me on. I said that is husband is also working full time he could share the chores but the OP does not work at all so get on with it!

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 15:24

ASimpleLampoon · 08/05/2023 15:18

If women who are working fulltime are doing all the house stuff and paying all the childcare they also have a DH problem

Show quote history

and as I clearly state in this very post: if both work full time then yes they would need to pay pricey childcare establishments.

Clymene · 08/05/2023 15:26

I am a single parent. I think the OP's husband is a lazy disrespectful pig.

There is nothing lucky about being married to man who doesn't respect you.

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 15:29

Clymene · 08/05/2023 15:26

I am a single parent. I think the OP's husband is a lazy disrespectful pig.

There is nothing lucky about being married to man who doesn't respect you.

He probably just needs a reminder on sone elements (the others are a non conversation IMO) but the man haters are out branding this working man a lazy pig, arse and C! It’s awful. Well done being a single mum (do you also work full time?) it’s hugely challenging and I volunteer at a charity supporting young single mums with no support and I see how incredibly difficult it is.

Inertia · 08/05/2023 15:33

YANBU. He is choosing to send you the message that you and your time/ work in the household are not worthy of his respect.

If you think he’s being thoughtless rather than deliberately disrespectful, it’s worth a chat explaining how his actions make more work for you , and make you feel like a skivvy.

He’s already getting off light if you do all the cleaning- you’re parenting two very young children during the day, and that’s your first priority. When you’re both home, you can share the childcare and household tasks.

Ariela · 08/05/2023 15:41

I would tackle this in a 'we' need to instill good habits in our kids - we don't want to be picking up after them forever, so keep reminding him of this: please can dirty clothes go here, when you've finished your coffee the cup can go in the dishwasher etc.. and start getting your eldest to help too (and reminding him as soon as she has words)