SAHM, aibu that this shouldn’t mean house maid?

[CupEmpty]

Just wondering whether I’m justified in feeling a little pissed off. I am a SAHM for last 2 years as basically gave up my good career to facilitate DHs - international moves and lots of solo parenting required whilst he worked abroad/ moved around etc. he couldn’t have done this if I had still worked. But he does earn a very good salary. We have just moved back to uk and he has taken on a much easier role for much less money so we can have more time together as a family. I currently have a 2yo and 6 mo baby.

my gripe is he doesn’t help with the house at all, and I’m struggling to keep up with the amount of mess everyone - including him! - makes. To be clear I’m talking about him tidying up after himself and sometimes the kids not cleaning (eg I wouldn’t expect him to clean the bathroom for example.

however small things for example-

• leaves all his clothes on bedroom/ bathroom floor eg dirty socks, underwear. I pick up and put in wash basket
• doesn’t hang up wet used towels- leaves on floor/ bed
• doesnt put coffee cups etc in sink/ dishwasher - left dirty on side nor breakfast/ lunch plates/ lunch box etc
• kicks shoes off in utility- doesn’t clear up own mud/ put on shoe rack
• If changes wet nappy leaves on side / floor doesn’t throw in bin
• if feeding kids leaves dirty plates/ cups on table never puts in sink

etc etc

it wasn’t so much of an issue before as he was out the house most of the day and I’d have it cleaned when he came home, but now he is at home a lot the place is a tip constantly.

for balance/ he does all the bills/ household utilities stuff, the cars and is proactive with the kids but I do all the cooking/ laundry/ cleaning and most of the childcare/ night wakes - baby still breastfed etc.

I guess I’m not sure what’s reasonable to expect of him now we are in more of a stable home life.

Again, you are being inconsistent. Dropoffs and pickups from daycare do not happen by miracle. Someone has to actually schedule their worktime around them. Being able to just get up in the morning, get dressed, and go to work (because your wife is minding the kids) is a MASSIVE difference to someone's work life. (I know because I had it for all of one week when my mum came to stay and I was able to do, for one week, what my husband got to do every week, which is get up and go to work without having to faff the kids, their diapers, their whining, etc to day care, dropping them off, getting them settled, setting the daily schedule around dropoff/pickup, not being able to go to work when the kids are sick, etc). Having a stay at home spouse is MARVELOUS for the career of the working spouse.

Likewise, you yourself point out that she would have to do half the housework if she was working but, when it comes to pointing out how her husband benefits from her being at home, you neglect to notice that if she were working, her husband would also have to do half the housework. i.e. he benefits greatly from her being home. All he has to do is put his own dirty laundry in the laundry basket when he gets changed, and if he changes a diaper after he gets home from work (because, as we know, babies do not only p00p during regular business hours) all he has to do is put that diaper in the trash rather than leaving it for lesser humans to do.

I find your contempt for stay-at-home mothers to be extremely sad.

yet again you didn’t read my previous posts re laundry basket etc clearly! OP whatever you choose to do: just speak to your husband! Keep a dialogue and good luck with your 2 children-the time will fly by and this will be a distant memory one day. All the best to you x

What a bizarre conclusion. As per many previous posts: early 50’s, happily married 30 years, mortgage gone years ago, very successful and rewarding career and 2 grown up sons in Uni. You couldn’t be more wrong:) what’s my situation got to do with the OP though? Very strange.

But the towels should never be on the floor in the first place!!

Amen.

I am way past the SAHP to young children stage and work but when I was one my DH had some self respect and would be embarrassed to not have the ability to put pants on the laundry basket or need me to pick his towels up. He will tell our DS 16 and DD 12 to sort it out and when they leave stuff lying around and thinks it's really important to show respect to members of your family and yourself otherwise you become a hopeless adult!

I think there has been too many posts by @Oxbridgetitans for me to reply specifically to all of them, but I just have to say I feel deeply deeply sorry for your future DILs. From how you’ve posted here, I imagine you will be the MIL from hell.

I'm sorry your thread has been completely taken over by one poster who seemed to think it was their thread rather than yours OP.

I've never been a SAHM as it seemed a lot harder work to me than paid work and I work in a senior stressful role.

I think a lot of men revert to the 1950's when a couple has children. They see the woman as "mummy" and that the work of the house and children all falls to the woman.

There's been a lot of work and activism by women to move us on from the 1950's including legislation that recognises the equal status of women. It appears harder to change the attitudes of (some) men.

I recall my (now ex) husband replying when I asked him to do something for the baby "you're on maternity leave that's your job now". I was so shocked. Despite my having saved for my leave, negotiated a more beneficial maternity package that meant I was still covering my share of mortgage and bills, this man suddenly seemed to believe that he no longer had to lift a finger. I asked him if he then had to work 8 hours a day 5 days a week but I had to work 24/7?

Im astonished to read posts declaring that you "don't work at all". If you were at home with no children I would think you'd have to take on the lion's share of domestic work in order to contribute but you are looking after a 6 month old and a 2 year old. That's a hugely tiring full time job.

I would also say that if it was so brilliant being a SAHP that more men would do it, but they don't because it can be shit, and they won't make the sacrifice of their career to do it. When I have seen male SAHP they never do as much as a SAHM and expect a lot of input from their wife even if she is financially providing for them.

I'm a single parent now. I work full time and it can be hard but I'm grateful every day that my home is calm and when I walk into my kitchen or bathroom it's as clean and tidy as I left it.

The only thing that’s unreasonable in your behaviour is you giving up your career for his, which has turned you from a financially self-supporting individual to a housemaid, trailing spouse and often-solo parent with no income. What on earth is on this for you?

Wouldn’t you? It depends how much you earn doing it. If you are a SAHM with a partner working long hours but in return you have a fantastic lifestyle and literally don’t have any money worties, can live well and spend well and do as you please with most of your day, then doing the role of a pant and towel picker- upper for half an hour a day is a good deal.