Page 2 | SAHM, aibu that this shouldn’t mean house maid?

CupEmpty · 2023-05-08T12:27:58+00:00

Just wondering whether I’m justified in feeling a little pissed off. I am a SAHM for last 2 years as basically gave up my good career to facilitate DHs - international moves and lots of solo parenting required whilst he worked abroad/ moved around etc. he couldn’t have done this if I had still worked. But he does earn a very good salary. We have just moved back to uk and he has taken on a much easier role for much less money so we can have more time together as a family. I currently have a 2yo and 6 mo baby. my gripe is he doesn’t help with the house at all, and I’m struggling to keep up with the amount of mess everyone - including him! - makes. To be clear I’m talking about him *tidying up after himself and sometimes the kids *not cleaning (eg I wouldn’t expect him to clean the bathroom for example. however small things for example- - leaves all his clothes on bedroom/ bathroom floor eg dirty socks, underwear. I pick up and put in wash basket - doesn’t hang up wet used towels- leaves on floor/ bed - doesnt put coffee cups etc in sink/ dishwasher - left dirty on side nor breakfast/ lunch plates/ lunch box etc - kicks shoes off in utility- doesn’t clear up own mud/ put on shoe rack - If changes wet nappy leaves on side / floor doesn’t throw in bin - if feeding kids leaves dirty plates/ cups on table never puts in sink etc etc it wasn’t so much of an issue before as he was out the house most of the day and I’d have it cleaned when he came home, but now he is at home a lot the place is a tip constantly. for balance/ he does all the bills/ household utilities stuff, the cars and is proactive with the kids but I do all the cooking/ laundry/ cleaning and most of the childcare/ night wakes - baby still breastfed etc. I guess I’m not sure what’s reasonable to expect of him now we are in more of a stable home life.

Delatron · 08/05/2023 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Wow, you don’t even disguise your jealousy. Serious issues there..

Sparklfairy · 08/05/2023 13:57

@Oxbridgetitans I used to be a cleaner. I didn't pick their dirty clothes up off the floor nor did I do their washing up. They tidied up so I could clean. I was the cleaner, I wasn't a skivvy.

Pallisers · 08/05/2023 13:57

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 13:32

You’re very lucky to be a SAHM. Most women have to work full time, pay for extortionate childcare, juggle both and the house albeit of husband works full time too then he could do half the housework cooking and dropping and collecting from the various pricey childcare establishments too….you don’t work at all so yes it’s completely reasonable you do all that!

are you for real?

A Sahm now means picking up the dirty clothes of your husband. Does it hell.

No adult should expect another adult to pick up their dirty clothes from the floor, clean up their cups and plates from the table, or any other work that is normal taking care of yourself as an adult (and demeaning scut work when imposed on another adult).

OP, you need to sit with him and explain his clothes will remain on the floor, his towels will remain on the bathroom floor. And then step over them.

And for what its worth, I'd rather be working than minding a 6 month old and a 2 year old - that is way too intensive. So no, I wouldn't consider myself lucky.

sexnotgenders · 08/05/2023 13:57

@Oxbridgetitans wow.... that's quite the chip you've got on your shoulder. I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark and say you're not entirely happy with your life choices?!?

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 13:58

Delatron · 08/05/2023 13:47

You’ll see nobody is agreeing with you - a SAHM is not a slave. It doesn’t mean picking up dirty pants no. Give over. It’s a choice but some women may prefer working. Stop going on about how privileged the OP is - you don’t know anything about their circumstances. It is a big deal if your husband shows you no respect.

Show quote history

I speak from experience of both roles and a successful 40 year marriage.

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 13:59

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 13:58

I speak from experience of both roles and a successful 40 year marriage.

Show quote history

Typo!30 years:)

Namechangedagain20 · 08/05/2023 13:59

I know literally no SAHM that has a cleaner or orders in meals or any of that. I think you’ve watched too much reality TV. The ones I know are juggling young children, doing school run for older ones, 90% of the housework and rarely get any time to themselves. I’ve done stints of full time work, part time work and been a SAHM since having my first child 6 years ago. There’s pros and cons to each situation, but at no point has my husband treated me as a house maid or like I wasn’t his equal. Your posts just sounds jealous now.

Pallisers · 08/05/2023 13:59

So, Oxbridgetitans, because your husband treated you like the housemaid/scullery maid during those 5 years, you think everyone else's should too?

Did you find it hard to get him into the practice of picking up his dirty clothes and wet towels and cleaning up his muddy shoes after you went back to your fabulous career? Must have been a bit of an adjustment.

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 14:00

sexnotgenders · 08/05/2023 13:57

@Oxbridgetitans wow.... that's quite the chip you've got on your shoulder. I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark and say you're not entirely happy with your life choices?!?

Completely the opposite:having done both I have valid experience and am commenting based on that. It’s your job at the moment OP. If you choose to go back to work full time then it’s both your jobs. If he stays at home and you only work it’s all his job. It’s very simple.

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 14:01

Pallisers · 08/05/2023 13:59

So, Oxbridgetitans, because your husband treated you like the housemaid/scullery maid during those 5 years, you think everyone else's should too?

Did you find it hard to get him into the practice of picking up his dirty clothes and wet towels and cleaning up his muddy shoes after you went back to your fabulous career? Must have been a bit of an adjustment.

No when I went back to surgery we shared the house duties as we both worked same hours and earnt the same. Very simple.

Delatron · 08/05/2023 14:02

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 13:58

I speak from experience of both roles and a successful 40 year marriage.

Show quote history

What’s how long you’ve been married for anything to do with it? You sound bitter and resentful.

Maybe it’s because when you were a SAHM you picked your husband’s pants off the floor? And did everything. Nobodies fault if you had that little respect for yourself. I’m
sure your marriage was very happy if you made yourself a slave for your husband when you were a SAHM.

Delatron · 08/05/2023 14:02

Pallisers · 08/05/2023 13:59

So, Oxbridgetitans, because your husband treated you like the housemaid/scullery maid during those 5 years, you think everyone else's should too?

Did you find it hard to get him into the practice of picking up his dirty clothes and wet towels and cleaning up his muddy shoes after you went back to your fabulous career? Must have been a bit of an adjustment.

Ha yes. My conclusion precisely..

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 14:03

Namechangedagain20 · 08/05/2023 13:59

I know literally no SAHM that has a cleaner or orders in meals or any of that. I think you’ve watched too much reality TV. The ones I know are juggling young children, doing school run for older ones, 90% of the housework and rarely get any time to themselves. I’ve done stints of full time work, part time work and been a SAHM since having my first child 6 years ago. There’s pros and cons to each situation, but at no point has my husband treated me as a house maid or like I wasn’t his equal. Your posts just sounds jealous now.

Living in a very affluent area sadly I know of several and they are often divorced when their children are mid teens. They then have no careers to go back to either. Choose wisely and it’s likely just a matter of saying ‘hey can you throw them pants in the laundry basket’. A small thing!!!

Butchyrestingface · 08/05/2023 14:05

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 13:32

You’re very lucky to be a SAHM. Most women have to work full time, pay for extortionate childcare, juggle both and the house albeit of husband works full time too then he could do half the housework cooking and dropping and collecting from the various pricey childcare establishments too….you don’t work at all so yes it’s completely reasonable you do all that!

Catch yourself on, woman.

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 14:05

Delatron · 08/05/2023 14:02

Ha yes. My conclusion precisely..

Show quote history

He didn’t. That your conclusion. Refer to previous post where I state that OP should tell him to throw them in the laundry basket. It’s not hard. Honestly after that it’s over to her as he’s earning every penny it’s her job.

tothelefttotheleft · 08/05/2023 14:05

Oxbridgetitans
I speak from experience of both roles and a successful 40 year marriage.

Typo!30 years:)

When you make shit up and fuck up the timeline..........

Mojoj · 08/05/2023 14:07

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 13:32

You’re very lucky to be a SAHM. Most women have to work full time, pay for extortionate childcare, juggle both and the house albeit of husband works full time too then he could do half the housework cooking and dropping and collecting from the various pricey childcare establishments too….you don’t work at all so yes it’s completely reasonable you do all that!

Your envy shines through in this post
SAHM does not equal maid. It's basic respect to put your dirty underwear in the wash basket. Who TF does he think he is?

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 14:08

tothelefttotheleft · 08/05/2023 14:05

Oxbridgetitans
I speak from experience of both roles and a successful 40 year marriage.

Typo!30 years:)

When you make shit up and fuck up the timeline..........

The 3 is simply next to the 4 on the keyboard. Shows how hard it is for you to imagine it’s possible for anyone to be happily married for 30 years as well as hols down a successful career in medicine and being up children. It is possible but you both need to make sacrifices. Again: some of you are missing my PP re laundry basket. We had 3. Maybe that’s your starting point OP.

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 14:09

Mojoj · 08/05/2023 14:07

Your envy shines through in this post
SAHM does not equal maid. It's basic respect to put your dirty underwear in the wash basket. Who TF does he think he is?

Show quote history

Yet again please see my previous comments re laundry baskets:)

Appleblum · 08/05/2023 14:09

Nope. I'm a SAHM. I accept that I'll do the chores but I expect DH to have basic responsibility for himself and respect for me. If his clothes are not in the basket they don't get washed. I'll unload the dishwasher but if he doesn't put his dirty dishes in they don't have washed. I'm not the waiter at the restaurant waiting to clean up after him.

sevenbyseven · 08/05/2023 14:10

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 13:57

Not jealous. Im a medical professional with a long career as is my husband we put both our boys through private school and now on to Oxbridge both to study medicine. I was very lucky to be SAHM for the first 5 years of their lives and I didn’t resent doing all the housework cooking cleaning etc as that was my job whilst my husband paid for everything. I appreciated how lucky i was however! I was eager to get back to earning as a doctor after that and then we shared the housework as we shared the earning. New mums in this generation are lucky to be at home but seem to only want to sit with their kids. That’s not the full remit of being a SAHM !!!

Show quote history

I failt to see the relevance to this thread of Oxbridge but love that you've mentioned it in both your username and your post 😂

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 14:11

Appleblum · 08/05/2023 14:09

Nope. I'm a SAHM. I accept that I'll do the chores but I expect DH to have basic responsibility for himself and respect for me. If his clothes are not in the basket they don't get washed. I'll unload the dishwasher but if he doesn't put his dirty dishes in they don't have washed. I'm not the waiter at the restaurant waiting to clean up after him.

So as I suggested then. OP do this. The rest is upto you whilst you’re at home. When you go back to work it’s joint. Worked well for us in both scenarios:)

sexnotgenders · 08/05/2023 14:11

@Oxbridgetitans ok, ok, ok. We get it. You are super successful and shouldn't we all be so jealous of your awesomeness 🙄🙄

So far we've had:

kids went to private school
kids at Oxford, being MEDICAL STUDENTS no less!!
lives in a very affluent area
is a surgeon

Have I missed anything?!? That's some very humble bragging you've successfully shoehorned into someone else's thread, so congrats. Problem is, you just sound bitter and sad and all that anyone has noticed is how much of a low bar you have set yourself in your marriage.

Delatron · 08/05/2023 14:11

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 14:05

He didn’t. That your conclusion. Refer to previous post where I state that OP should tell him to throw them in the laundry basket. It’s not hard. Honestly after that it’s over to her as he’s earning every penny it’s her job.

Show quote history

It’s not just the dirty washing though is it? It’s every coffee cup, the dirty nappies, never ever picking up after himself. It’s about basic respect. All this ‘he’s earning every penny therefore he doesn’t need to lift a finger’ is utter bollocks.

Most people in a couple see themselves as a team. If they decide that it makes sense for the woman to stay at home, no she’s not doing paid work but she’s doing very valuable work - looking after children (and all the house crap). They are saving money by not putting the kids in to nursery. Most husbands appreciate that. There’s no ‘I earn every penny therefore pick up my pants’ crap. Sad if that’s what you experienced..

Clymene · 08/05/2023 14:12

Oxbridgetitans · 08/05/2023 13:32

You’re very lucky to be a SAHM. Most women have to work full time, pay for extortionate childcare, juggle both and the house albeit of husband works full time too then he could do half the housework cooking and dropping and collecting from the various pricey childcare establishments too….you don’t work at all so yes it’s completely reasonable you do all that!

Her career is in tatters becuase they prioritised her husband's so he is now earning megabucks with her enabling him and he treats her like a skivvy. And you think she's very lucky?

Strewth.

OP just stop picking his stuff up. Kick it to the side of the room, kick the towels into a corner, leave his dishes in a corner of the kitchen.

And get a cleaner.