SAHM, aibu that this shouldn’t mean house maid?

[CupEmpty]

Just wondering whether I’m justified in feeling a little pissed off. I am a SAHM for last 2 years as basically gave up my good career to facilitate DHs - international moves and lots of solo parenting required whilst he worked abroad/ moved around etc. he couldn’t have done this if I had still worked. But he does earn a very good salary. We have just moved back to uk and he has taken on a much easier role for much less money so we can have more time together as a family. I currently have a 2yo and 6 mo baby.

my gripe is he doesn’t help with the house at all, and I’m struggling to keep up with the amount of mess everyone - including him! - makes. To be clear I’m talking about him tidying up after himself and sometimes the kids not cleaning (eg I wouldn’t expect him to clean the bathroom for example.

however small things for example-

• leaves all his clothes on bedroom/ bathroom floor eg dirty socks, underwear. I pick up and put in wash basket
• doesn’t hang up wet used towels- leaves on floor/ bed
• doesnt put coffee cups etc in sink/ dishwasher - left dirty on side nor breakfast/ lunch plates/ lunch box etc
• kicks shoes off in utility- doesn’t clear up own mud/ put on shoe rack
• If changes wet nappy leaves on side / floor doesn’t throw in bin
• if feeding kids leaves dirty plates/ cups on table never puts in sink

etc etc

it wasn’t so much of an issue before as he was out the house most of the day and I’d have it cleaned when he came home, but now he is at home a lot the place is a tip constantly.

for balance/ he does all the bills/ household utilities stuff, the cars and is proactive with the kids but I do all the cooking/ laundry/ cleaning and most of the childcare/ night wakes - baby still breastfed etc.

I guess I’m not sure what’s reasonable to expect of him now we are in more of a stable home life.

You say that, but…

Sorry, what exactly is your point?

Oh my goodness the language from some of you! What’s actually wrong with you?!

This! It’s awful - shame on you regardless of opinion

The language? Um, you're not Mom. We are Moms. You don't get to police the language. Grown ups, in grown up territory. . .

Incredible isn’t it. The ‘thick lazy C’ she’s referring to is my husband and a paediatric surgeon no less.

I am fully aware yes. Yea I did take 5 years out aside from very, very minimal hours to maintain practice. I was a SAHM for 5 years. It a wasn’t an easy route; and as I pointed out earlier it’s not groundbreaking at all and there of millions of us in medicine, so I was confused as to why they would be so against how it possibly be true. They will be asking for your GMC number next, watch out!

Using language we would berate our children for…embarrassing

I went back to work full time when DS was 3 months, he is 5 months now.

During those 3 months, I obviously did the majority of caring for the baby and picked up after myself/baby during the day but everything else was shared.

My husband and I agreed that maternity leave wouldn't change that and the focus should be on the baby but we also never considered me a SAHM during that time.

YADNBU X

It all comes down to respect. Plenty of parents have high pressured careers but don't expect their husband/wife etc to pick up pants off the floor, it really isn't difficult.

I wouldn't be picking them up, that's for sure.

You're a stay at home MOTHER. Not a stay at home SKIVVY FOR LAZY PARTNER LWHO's NOT HOUSE TRAINED.

He needs to clear up his own shit or your love, respect and desire for him will shrivel away and disappear.

And when you're both home, you need to do 50% each. Remember that you are doing all night wakings too - and that counts as work too!!

Some serious derailing in this thread..

OP your DH does sound like an untidy, bordering on unhygienic, person to live with. No you shouldn’t have to regularly clear the living space of dirty nappies, towels, laundry.

I’d have to have a ‘DH I can’t believe I have to say this out loud but could you not leave dirty nappies on the floor please or wet towels on our bed. It is making our house pretty grim’ conversation.

I can’t believe all these people, there is fundamentally no respect for your wife there if you expect her to pick up your pants and follow you around clearing your cups and plates from wherever you stood up and walked away from them. I like the explanation that you give him a pile of little cards that says FUCK YOU and suggest he leave them by each discarded item he expects you as house space to pick up for him, because that’s what it feels like to you when you see them. So if you’re grumpy and not loving, he knows that it’s because he’s being a shitty disrespectful husband. Yes I expect help from my Dh while I’m on maternity leave. Quite a lot of it.

She's his wife not his maid. He's paying the bills, she's doing the childcare. Yes she should be doing housework but not picking up after him like he's some scatty child leading a trail of debris in his wake.

is this for real? She is a grown up woman, and he is presumably a grown up man. At some point you'd teach kids to put their clothes in a basket, their dishes in the sink and things in a bin. He is taking the piss.

No one is too busy or important to put their dirty clothes in the washing basket or hang up their wet towel. It's laziness and lack of respect, irrespective of what your partner does.

All the waffle about uni, pay, jobs, SAHMs, division of labour, etc is just an irrelevant distraction.

Exactly.

Today my 7 dropped his towel on the floor. I told him to pick it up and put it where he's meant to be. Why would I expect that from him, and for him to put his dirty clothes in his basket, but assume my husband can just drop his clothes etc wherever he fancies and I'll come and pick them up?

Hence my previous posts re getting a laundry basket!

@Oxbridgetitans I don’t understand why you keep harping on about the OP being ‘lucky’ compared to working moms or single moms. The OP is neither of those so it’s entirely irrelevant. Being ‘lucky’ enough to be a SAHM doesn’t mean you have to put up with being treated like a slave just because others have it worse or harder than you (which is all subjective anyway, many women find being at home with young children harder as some pp’s have said!).

The OPs husband has repeatedly left dirty clothes, towels, plates etc. Not once, many times. That shows his lack of respect for his wife.

And you seem to ignore how lucky the husband is to have a wife who covers all childcare, housework and night wakings so he doesn’t have to. He should be grateful that she’s facilitated his career by sacrificing her own and following her on international moves to further his career. Many women would not put up with that (I wouldn’t!). He should be showing her respect and supporting her when at home, not adding to her load.

Not put up with?! What being supported fully? She’s got a choice. Go back to work OP. See if you find FT work PLUS half the housework, cooking, bills and ferrying kids to nursery that you pay half for easier? Sounds much better! :)

No I wouldn’t put up with being expected to drop my life in my home country with my family and friends around me to move to an unfamiliar country and I’ll bet lots of women (and men!) wouldn’t. Whether being fully supported or not. You seem to be under the impression that women make a unilateral decision to be SAHMs and their poor DHs just go along with it and have to put up with it. Whereas all the men I know whose wives are SAHMs acknowledge that their lives are far easier due to it. They do next to no housework, sole childcare or school runs. I think you’re vastly overlooking the support a husband gets from a SAHM who makes his life far easier.

Also, since having DC I’ve done 2 years full time, 2 part time and now 2 years as a SAHM and I found it easier mentally when I was back at work (as a secondary school teacher) as the work pressures are different, there’s more social support and it’s less draining than keeping two small children entertained as well as the mental load of managing everything child and home related. Being at work may be physically more challenging but the side effect of sharing the mental load of the house and kids was less exhausting in other ways. There are pros and cons to each situation. Stop trying to drag SAHMs down and make them accept being treated poorly just because they ‘don’t work’ (childcare and houseWORK is still work, just the unpaid kind!).