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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told to leave a group.

574 replies

MobilityCat · 07/05/2023 08:25

I got into trouble at a meeting of people with a common interest. In the beginning, I explained that I had ADHD and asked that if I said anything inappropriate, please tell me, and I'll apologise and stop.
Guess what happened?. I did say something, and instead of telling me to stop, someone challenged my statement, and it went downhill after that.
A lady sitting next to me said that she also had ADHD, but that I should have recognised a line that I should not have crossed.
I told her that I didn't have that ability, I only knew if I got it wrong by the reaction it produced, good or bad.
She told me that wasn't true. She was also prone to inappropriate speech and behaviour but knew what boundaries she shouldn't cross.
Anyway, I was banned from the group, which was hurtful but not unusual. ADHD has cost me friends, jobs, and strained family relationships all my life.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
HaggisFace · 07/05/2023 08:27

I guess it possibly depends on what you said?

PaigeMatthews · 07/05/2023 08:27

HaggisFace · 07/05/2023 08:27

I guess it possibly depends on what you said?

This. It sounds extreme to ban you. What did you say?

Goodadvice1980 · 07/05/2023 08:28

Would need more context OP before I could comment one way or the other.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 07/05/2023 08:29

Well obviously announcing at the start that you have ADHD does not give you a license to say offensive things without consequences.

cyncope · 07/05/2023 08:29

I think this depends on what you said?

If it was a cinema appreciation group and you argued Fast and Furious are the greatest movies ever made then they've overreacted.

If you made sexist/racist/homophobic remarks then they've been fair.

Mayorquimby2 · 07/05/2023 08:29

You'll get no proper answers without context.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 07/05/2023 08:30

Yep depends on the context. I agree with @cyncope.
No one should have to listen to homophobic or racist rants and if that’s what happened then yep. Fair enough

PyjamaFan · 07/05/2023 08:30

TheYearOfSmallThings · 07/05/2023 08:29

Well obviously announcing at the start that you have ADHD does not give you a license to say offensive things without consequences.

I agree

Hoppinggreen · 07/05/2023 08:31

TheYearOfSmallThings · 07/05/2023 08:29

Well obviously announcing at the start that you have ADHD does not give you a license to say offensive things without consequences.

Absolutely

Overthebow · 07/05/2023 08:31

Really depends what you said. A mildly controversial sentence then fine, but if it was offensive particularly to people in the group then no, not ok for you to say it.

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 07/05/2023 08:33

If you are aware enough of what you do to know that you maybe need to warn people in advance you might be offensive, then you can probably not be offensive.

Sirzy · 07/05/2023 08:34

You having ADHD doesn’t give you free rein to be offensive. You need to work to find methods that work for you.

ds has ADHD and many other conditions and one thing I have always been sure to help him understand is the importance of considering others and being respectful.

GiltEdges · 07/05/2023 08:34

Well the point is OP, as an adult with ADHD, you need to consciously learn the boundaries that you shouldn't cross in conversation with others. ADHD isn't a free pass for you to say anything you like, offensive or otherwise, without repercussions.

gogohmm · 07/05/2023 08:34

Adhd doesn't give you permission to say anything without consequences.

This is a personal bugbear of mine, I have an autistic dd and when she was a child and very unpredictable I would remove her when she was disturbing others and yes she had consequences, she learned to behave - disabilities in one person don't trump others right to a peaceful life and not being insulted for example.

ClairDeLaLune · 07/05/2023 08:35

Can’t really answer without knowing what you said OP sorry. Do you want to share more?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 07/05/2023 08:35

What did you say? It really does depend what it was.

Reasonableadjustments · 07/05/2023 08:35

Yeah it really depends what you said.

MichelleScarn · 07/05/2023 08:36

TheYearOfSmallThings · 07/05/2023 08:29

Well obviously announcing at the start that you have ADHD does not give you a license to say offensive things without consequences.

This, and it appears to be a running theme at the moment on MN, (well the threads I've been opening at least) no matter what topic.
Lots of self diagnosis as well, and a drip of ADHD once told they AU, or people don't agree with them depending on topic. I think this is very unfair to those with a diagnosis and because of what it's been about, often explosive, controlling or demanding behaviour perpetuates the unhealthy belief of what adhd behaviours are like.

SalmonEile · 07/05/2023 08:38

You say it went downhill when someone challenged you , is it not so much what you said initially but that you possibly argued back in an inappropriate way?

BreaktheCycle · 07/05/2023 08:40

Having ADHD is no excuse for being rude or offensive.

What did you say?

Seas164 · 07/05/2023 08:42

if I said anything inappropriate, please tell me, and I'll apologise and stop

If you have the ability to stop, do you have the ability to not start? If your speech is involuntary maybe this wasn't the group for you.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 07/05/2023 08:43

As everyone else said - it depends what you said.

Having ADHD doesn't give you a free pass to be offensive to people 🤷‍♀️

Elmo230885 · 07/05/2023 08:44

Until the inevitable massive drip feed I'm going to say YABU. You have enough insight and awareness to 'warn' others but not to step away when challenged. A diagnosis of anything is not an excuse to say whatever you want.

BillyNoM8s · 07/05/2023 08:44

What they all said. You must've been quite offensive to be kicked out? What on earth did you say?

user1471447924 · 07/05/2023 08:45

Why do I have a sneaking suspicion OP’s ban was well deserved?