To be sad about grandparents not helping childcare

[ChickenRacer]

Ive heard so many stories about grandparents not wanting to help/be particularly involved with their grandchildren.I understand it’s not all grandparents, but their is a big proportion who just don’t help and support their children when they have small children.

Explanations for this often seem to be that the grandparents did their time parenting and now it’s their time to enjoy life. Which I do understand.

But to me though this seems so sad.

They say it takes a village to raise children - but grandparents are a huge part of many peoples village, so if they aren’t part of the village that’s less support for parents of young children.

This might upset some people, but I also wonder those grandparents that do not feel they want to help with the care of their grandchildren- do they still expect their adult children to care for them in their old age when they themselves need care? Will they pay their children to care for them, as some expect to be paid for caring for their grandchildren?

Please don’t be all upset by this, they are genuine questions.

I have 3 children and for various reasons have ZERO help from grandparents. But I very much hope if I am lucky enough to have grandchildren that I will be able to help my children with them in the best way for them. And I wouldn’t want them to have to care for me in my old age. 🤷‍♀️

I think it’s a nice to have but people are often having kids later and grandparents are older so often just don’t have the reserves. If Dd has her first child at the same age I had her I will be 76. There aren’t as many first time grandparents in their 40’s early 50’s.

My sister paid my mum to look after her child half days 5 times a week. But it meant that mum wasn’t out of pocket for petrol, food nappies etc. it would have been unfair for mum to absorb the cost as she was retired and already a carer for Ddad. She was also an active and engaged gran. Sometimes people literally cannot afford to look after grandkids for free.

I love my kids and if I have grandkids I would offer to help. My in-laws and parents help a bit. It’s started to go the other way with me now helping them. I am happy to help them. I think it’s only fair that if you didn’t get any help they can’t expect help from you. I guess they feel like they have done their time, but you get out what you put in.

I have three children that my DH and I am raising without any childcare input from grandparents.

My parents are still working at 75.
My in laws are enjoying a fabulous retirement after working bloody hard all their lives.

I won’t do any childcare when my kids are grown. I will be fun granny and that is it.

There’s a massive difference between ‘helping out’ and having young children from 7:30am - 6pm multiple days a week to cover childcare. Some of DM’s friends are exhausted but don’t feel they can say anything; they signed up for it years ago and it never changes. So then when another child has DC, they can’t help/are too burnt out.

GP’s are also older nowadays as PP said.

I’m so tired of parents saying how it ”takes a village”, when all they mean is village for me - but not for thee.

I don't think anyone should have kids and expect any one else to help out with looking after them. People die. You need to be self sufficient.

Yes, there is a difference between a bit of babysitting and full time care. I don’t think that is fair. But you can’t expect your kids to go out of their way for you when they are older if you don’t occasionally help out with grand kids.

I will be happy to babysit and help in an emergency and if not working help in holidays but I’m not committing to childcare, I work hard and when I retire I want to travel & relax.

My kids are aware of this & also I 100% don’t want them caring for me.

Dh has 3 young gc. We don't do any childcare. We are both mid sixties and working, and have very busy lives.

We certainly don't expect to be looked after in old age.

We have help from grandparents. Mainly just for school pick up and does include a sleepover every so often due to working rotas.

Because of this I don't abuse their willingness to help us. My parents take him for a few nights at Easter and summer holiday.

I think they all love it and there is a lovely bond between my child and them.

In return I do take them out and give them wee gifts throughout the year as a thank you. I don't want them to feel like we are taking them for granted as I know one day they may not be able to help.

I mean I don't think it takes a village at all. Many people do it solo and cope or even thrive.
My mum died 6 weeks before I had my first but yes she would of helped me I would of only asked for one day a week max then MIL would of done the same. As it's turned out due to the above I haven't gone back to work and MIL has them v v rarely. My husband works away M-f but I just get on with it,
To answer your other question, will I help them with childcare when they have kids? Absolutely would love to, even more so now I know how hard and lonely it can be

Exactly this. The odd day/evening babysitting as and when the grandparents can is very different to committing to regular weekly all day childcare. For many reasons it’s not fair to expect that unless the grandparent is happy, capable and willing to do so.
Whilst I would love to spend lots of time with grandchildren if I have them when older, I would also love to travel lots and enjoy retirement (if my health allows it), so wouldn’t want to commit to weekly childcare.

I think it depends what your expectations are. I'd be sad if my children never saw or didn't have a relationship with their grandparents, but I wouldn't expect them to do routine childcare (help in genuine emergencies would be great though).

do they still expect their adult children to care for them in their old age when they themselves need care? Will they pay their children to care for them, as some expect to be paid for caring for their grandchildren?

I find this a very odd emotional blackmail type question and probably demonstrates the expectations you have.

DS has one set of grandparents, they haven’t seen him since November. They were bizarrely intense about us having children and kept quizzing us on whether we’d talked about it and if we were trying, and when DH held a friends baby on our wedding day, they spent three weeks posting a photo of them everywhere saying they were expecting news 😵‍💫 and when DH asked them to stop, they said they were just excited.

When we told them I was pregnant, their first response was that they hoped we’d be good at discipline, and they wouldn’t be doing any nappies or childcare. Then they pretended it hadn’t happened. It was a surreal half an hour but at least we know where we stood! Hes nearly 18mo now and they haven’t seen him since October. They’re not interested. They see him as something that stole DH from them.

They do expect DH to look after them in old age, though. They’re vocal about their hatred of old peoples homes, especially when they put DH’s mum in one. They have been clear they won’t accept help from strangers or carers, and apparently have a “deal” with DH from when he was 20 that he won’t put them in a home.

I’d say most of my NCT group has one set of grandparents who don’t offer much care at all, and one set that do a day or two a week… There does seem to be a decent amount of us with nobody, though.

My parents don't have the capacity to help as my mum has a severe mental illness. In laws are great but in their 80s so sadly unable to help either.
My son has special needs and his school have put him on a reduced timetable at just 1 hour a day. They say he can't cope with more. They say there's no support for ALN and the funding has been cut.
I have absolutely no village, can't even get a state school to look after my child while I work. Its hard not to feel resentful when ive worked all my life and paid tax.Needless to say I'm massively struggling.my son wakes up at 5.00am every single day
I'd do anything for a morning off and a lie in.

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I agree that grandparents shouldn’t be out of pocket. And yes with an ageing population some won’t be able to help as much due to health etc.

I guess I was more thinking of grandparents that are still fit and are retired. I’ve heard stories of very potentially capable grandparents still not being interested in their grandchildren (not even for childcare, just visiting them occasionally) and basically being too busy with hobbies etc.

Maybe I’m wrong but I just feel part of generation that is trapped caring for our own parents and children at the same time, with so little help. Our parents aren’t helping us with the care of our children, but then turn around expect us to care for them when they need old age care.

The thing with the lack of a village is it makes raising children more exhausting and it's not always a choice. Parents who have done this might not be able to face committing to caring for additional children at a later stage in life.

Add in the level of investment that we are supposed to put into children compared with the parents of free range children of past generations it's becoming a big ask.

This is a brilliant point.

We’d never have expected them to have him as childcare, but we did think they may want to take him to the zoo or a toddler group or something for an hour every now and again, even with us.

Theres been no interest in any of that. We did used to invite them, but they never came, so we don’t now.

What you are actually promoting is that women who spend their younger years putting their lives and careers on hold to rase children, should then do the same a few years later to provide childcare for their grandchildren whilst also caring for their own aging parents ....
Retirement age is 67. How are women supposed to do all this?
And of course its down to women. All these caring commitments mean their earning potential would continue to lag way behind men so it's inevitable.
The answer is affordable childcare and adequate state funded care for the elderly.

Occasional babysitting is not the same as regular childcare.

It is possible my eldest will have children before my youngest is independent.
I'm looking forward to going on random short breaks etc with DH that we have been unable to do whilst tied to school holidays and also DD's MH issues in recent years.

There's no way I'd want a weekly fixed commitment of childcare.

Some families are complicated. You do you and don’t worry about the rest of us.

This. It's incredibly entitled for people to think their parents owe them free childcare. If you want to have a child, factor in the cost of childcare, then if parents offer, it's a bonus. But they certainly don't have to help.

My mum always said she didn’t expect to be cared for. But she isn’t as mobile as she was and now is in aged care. She relies on me a lot. It’s something to consider that the difference between sitting in a nursing home watching tv all day everyday. Me taking her out is the highlight of her life now. You shouldn’t just expect that your kids will be around to help, but it will make a huge difference to the quality of your life.

We had limited ad hoc childcare help and paid for the rest. Costing thousands. As it should be. I wouldn't have expected GP to provide regular care. That would be a massive ask and make us so beholden.
Just as I wouldn't expect to provide regular care to elderly parents. It's what we save for all our lives to buy in help as we age and let our busy adult DC enjoy their own lives free of the burden.
All this over reliance and enmeshment otherwise breeds resentment and restricts the life of parties on both sides of the coin in turn.
If everyone pays for the help they need everyone knows where they stand and are free to live their best years unburdened.

I have fours DCs. My youngest is 11 but my older are adults and I have 2x GC 2 and 4. I'm not 50 yet. My house is finally tidy. It's beautiful actually. I have lovely things and they stay put. It's clean and stays that way with minimal effort. I lay in when I want to. I do what I want to (within reason as my youngest still needs me) but it's so freeing after years of waking and cleaning and running after children.
That being said I do look after them but it's not regularly (I would if my DD needed it) but it's exhausting. My house isn't geared up for tiny children.
So I do look after them, my children's happiness is my top priority but I totally get why people don't want to do it as sad as that is.