To be sad about grandparents not helping childcare

[ChickenRacer]

Ive heard so many stories about grandparents not wanting to help/be particularly involved with their grandchildren.I understand it’s not all grandparents, but their is a big proportion who just don’t help and support their children when they have small children.

Explanations for this often seem to be that the grandparents did their time parenting and now it’s their time to enjoy life. Which I do understand.

But to me though this seems so sad.

They say it takes a village to raise children - but grandparents are a huge part of many peoples village, so if they aren’t part of the village that’s less support for parents of young children.

This might upset some people, but I also wonder those grandparents that do not feel they want to help with the care of their grandchildren- do they still expect their adult children to care for them in their old age when they themselves need care? Will they pay their children to care for them, as some expect to be paid for caring for their grandchildren?

Please don’t be all upset by this, they are genuine questions.

I have 3 children and for various reasons have ZERO help from grandparents. But I very much hope if I am lucky enough to have grandchildren that I will be able to help my children with them in the best way for them. And I wouldn’t want them to have to care for me in my old age. 🤷‍♀️

Wait until you're in your sixties, still working (and will be for some years), having been working full time for nigh on fifty years, looking after a frail elderly relative, feeling aches, pains and just generally tired, and your child expects you to do regular childcare for toddlers and preschoolers. You know how exhausted you feel after looking after your kids. Imagine how you'd feel doing it 30 years from now.

@CocoaAglow where is the evidence that 70% of elderly people need care? Genuinely interested.

@Effieswig no, I looked it up this morning but I can't find it now. But based on my experience not just in work but with friends and family, it doesn't seem too far off. Nobody thinks they are going to need care, but people heading towards the end of their life tend to become almost 'invisible' as they aren't getting out and about as much. Some are in care settings long term, but many many others just quietly start to struggle getting up and washed in the morning, have a fall here and there, and generally get frailer. They start to worry about getting to the loo, and drink less, and get dehydration, which can cause all sorts of problems.

I did just look at the Age Concern pages and there are worrying statistics about the people who die before care is put in place, due to lack of funding and a shortage of carers.

Sorry, can't find it now. But also genuinely interested (promise I'm not being sarcastic) how would you see old age playing out for yourself, without any help at all?

@CocoaAglow I read it was something closer to 15% of 84 plus year olds needing care. It was Age UK I think. Definitely not 70%. Statistics from other sources are much closer to 15%. If I have grandchildren I'll do my best for them, but I won't be expecting my children to care for me when they have their own lives, jobs, children etc. I'll have to plan for my old age myself. I didn't have children for them to look after me.

@blahblahblah1654 I think the 15% are in nursing homes long term.
I was referring to the needing of help to stay at home, which is the sort of help that family members might provide, possibly combined with professional carers.
I think you're right about planning your own care for the future. I don't want my children having to care for me either, but i think it's fairly standard for most families to help each other out to a certain degree. And we never really know when the need for care will strike. I don't see myself as old - I'm not yet retirement age, but I know/knew people who've had heart attacks and strokes at my age. The ones who survived need suppport. I have discussed my wishes with DH and my children for if that happens to me, but I'll be relying on them to put those into place if it happens.
A single, childless friend of mine is planning to book herself into a residential home sooner than she'd like, but then she's not hoping to leave anyone any inheritance, so she can.
I think it's all more complex than it seems!

@CocoaAglow Well then the Government shouldnt have kept raising the state pension age if they wanted family carers to be available at the drop of a hat. Cant have it both ways

Your kids, your responsibility.

@CocoaAglow - there is a big difference between helping an aged parent do some grocery shopping, paying some bills, ensuring garden is maintained etc. it can be generally slotted around your own jobs and commitments (not counting full time career, that is completely different).

Whereas looking after toddlers stops you doing anything else at all during the day, generally can't be done ad hoc etc as other childcare needs to be arranged well in advance.

Being emergency back up, I get and support, picking up after school etc and letting them play quietly while you get on with making dinner, yep, generally fairly easy, occasionally babysitting so that parents can go out for the evening, fine. Gaps in holiday clubs, not so bad as long as only a day here or there.

Ad hoc, occasional stuff can really make a difference.

But being the go to childcare so that parents can avoid paying childcare costs on a daily basis? Nah... it is extremely limiting and quite frankly I'd prefer to keep working at my own job than do childcare as it's a damn site easier.

All these people who won’t help their parents in old age if they don’t get the free childcare they somehow feel entitled to, will be very disappointed when they don’t get their expected inheritance.

@JenniferBooth and @OrderOfTheKookaburra I agree with you. I was commenting about care and care needs after pp said they thought the majority of people won't need care.
I went a bit off track, sorry, but I think people need to know that becoming frail as you age isn't something you can will your way out of. You can delay it a bit with good lifestyle choices, hopefully avoid smoking related breathing difficulties etc, but ultimately you'll age and be frail whether that's at 75 or 110.

I think there are 2 different issues here. Helping out with childcare/babysitting and actually being interested in dgc.

my DH had lots of interaction with his dgp and they did childcare often.

however my IL neither want to babysit (they have said that specifically) nor are they interested. We never get invited round there, if we do see them we either host or pay for everyone to eat out. And my kids don’t even get a phone call on their birthday.

my DH however is expected to offer support at various different levels, including financial support.

its a complicated situation but we have finally decided to go low contact. I find the relationship incredibly toxic and draining. Unfortunately my DP are no longer around.

For me, it's them wanting to spend time with the grandkids. Not all the school runs etc. it's the 'oh does X want to come for tea tonight?'
'Can I come watch X swim tonight?'
My kids would LOVE that.

Growing up, I spent a lot of time at one set of grandparents as my parents worked shifts over weekends. I cherished that time and fondly reflect on my close relationship with my grandparents. Sadly, I only have one left, I spend time with him regularly, and my children do also.

@ohdamnitjanet I know, right? They don't seem to realise they're shooting themselves in the foot there😂

To be honest. I moved 3 hours back to the village I came from before we had a baby. Just so that we had a support network. We are super lucky. Both sets of grandparents are in the village. His mum and my dad are retired - they are 71. My mum will retire soon. I was 38 when DS was born. I wouldn’t have had a baby without family support. Im not strong enough. It’s too hard. But it was something we discussed beforehand. All of us.

being an older first time mum. I’ve a good job. Work full time over 4 days so does DH. Grandparents help with childcare 3 days a week. Take DS to baby classes. I’ve no doubt it’s thoroughly exhausting for them but they say they enjoy it and it’s lovely seeing their relationship with DS. We are lucky that they are so fit.

But it works both ways. DH and I do most of the labour in the allotment. DIY and heavy lifting for our parents. Lots of paperwork and help that way.

we have parents over for meals and take them on holidays. We all have our little roles we fulfil.

we are a boring traditional family but we are a family that works together for the best of all of us.

We get some token support from one set of grandparents and nothing much from the other. It doesn’t reduce our childcare bills by a significant amount but we are grateful that they offer what they can as they still work full time and have very busy lives. More would always be wonderful but it’s not going to happen so we pay a large amount for expensive wraparound and crack on.

I wouldn't be for regular, unpaid childcare but would love some babysitting here or there for a break. My own parents would be unsuitable as carers and unfortunately my lovely ILs are a bit old/infirm so it's not feasible really.

If I'm able to I would love to help my own children out. My MIL never worked and my parents had plenty of help be it affordable childcare, DGM or us older ones looking after younger ones. We're likely to be working until our mid 70s so I can't see it happening as something other than nights out or weekends away, but I'm definitely here for it. If I'm retired earlier than I think I would definitely be offering.

Yes there is a difference to being committed to looking after young children unpaid for long days to the occasional helping out.

I think as decent human beings it’s not too much to ask for your family to occasionally help you out or give you a break.

My parents lack of interest in my DC is one of the most upsetting aspect of parenthood and something I really struggle to understand.

My in laws were exactly the same! No interest whatsoever. They didn't like me although i tried really hard at first. But then i gave up trying and (ex) DH saw them occasionally on his own. Our now adult children haven't seen them once since we split up 20 years ago.

https://inews.co.uk/news/grandparents-retiring-early-plug-broken-childcare-system-2334495 "we are being taken advantage of"

Never had any help and to be honest it helped me get on with it and made me confident a lot quicker. I say this as a colleague of mine has a GD her DD expect her to come round all the time to give her a break ! She calls and says I can’t cope. So off she goes. Her DD will never cope as she has never had to.
I have 6 DC and if needed would help my DC but I would not get into a commitment in child care as doing that for one always builds resentment for the others and also I want to be able to do all the things me and my DH have not done for a while,, like just go into the beach in the spur of the moment. But a quick holiday. By the time my DC are all adults we will be much older and we have to have our life too

We didn't have our children for other people to look after, we do it on our own. So many people just expect childcare from grandparents and it's wrong. Great if they offer. But if not, you just get on with it.

My parents were in their 60's when I had my first child. They died when I was 33. They didn't do childcare, but I wouldn't have thought twice about not caring for them both. That's just awful.

To the OP you’re not alone. I gave up years ago trying to get the grandparents interested. I took the kids down towards them and they still didn’t want to meet. It’s sad but it’s their choice.

I’m also in a bit of an unusual situation where the MIL is saying she’s looking after the grandchildren so she doesn’t have to look after her 86 year old mum (my DH Nan). This came out after I was told how lucky I was to have all this help by DH Nan who resented me thinking I had all this help when nothing could be further from the truth! My DC are all at school / nursery so please don’t use them as an excuse!

As for a night out my DP may help once a year or we will get a baby sitter.

I do look after the gc, not daily as they live . quite a way away, but frequently overnight. I was widowed young and never had a good career( lack of childcare) and though we'll into my 70s still have to work, my fault I guess I don't have a private pension, but naively never realised how things would change, financially, for the worst!
I love being as independent as possible, also love being able to treat the gc when I can.
No way do I want or expect my children to care for me in the future and I hope they aren't worried about that.