To be sad about grandparents not helping childcare

[ChickenRacer]

Ive heard so many stories about grandparents not wanting to help/be particularly involved with their grandchildren.I understand it’s not all grandparents, but their is a big proportion who just don’t help and support their children when they have small children.

Explanations for this often seem to be that the grandparents did their time parenting and now it’s their time to enjoy life. Which I do understand.

But to me though this seems so sad.

They say it takes a village to raise children - but grandparents are a huge part of many peoples village, so if they aren’t part of the village that’s less support for parents of young children.

This might upset some people, but I also wonder those grandparents that do not feel they want to help with the care of their grandchildren- do they still expect their adult children to care for them in their old age when they themselves need care? Will they pay their children to care for them, as some expect to be paid for caring for their grandchildren?

Please don’t be all upset by this, they are genuine questions.

I have 3 children and for various reasons have ZERO help from grandparents. But I very much hope if I am lucky enough to have grandchildren that I will be able to help my children with them in the best way for them. And I wouldn’t want them to have to care for me in my old age. 🤷‍♀️

I think of 'the village' as other interested adults in the child's life, for example family, friends etc. Also other adults 'keeping an eye' when child is out playing etc. Not actually doing regular childcare.

This might upset some people, but I also wonder those grandparents that do not feel they want to help with the care of their grandchildren- do they still expect their adult children to care for them in their old age when they themselves need care?
See, this doesn't work as an example. If this is how people actually think, then I'd assume the adult children would take care of their parents as they took care of them until adulthood.
Anything else is a manipulative punishment. Look after the grandkids or don't expect any help when you're older 🤷‍♀️

I will take care of my parents because I have a good relationship with them and I would never NOT do anything I could for them. I would feel this way whether I had children or not. Other than that, yeah, I think it's nice for grandparents to WANT to be involved but non involvement doesn't just jump out of nowhere, surely? Depends on a whole lot of factors.

We don't have any help with day to day childcare. My FIL simply would not be capable.
My father lives a little too far away for any school run help and things but he ensures he sees our DS once a week, he is a fabulous grandfather and would do anything for our DS. If i want to go out, he is the first asking if he can babysit. He is a bit gutted if he missed his weekend day with us. He cant understand why if grandparents had the time they wouldn't want to spend it with the grandkids. But he does just do the fun stuff, i suppose and not getting them ready for school or early morning school runs.
I know a 71 year old who gets the grandkids dropped on the morning to give them breakfast, she then takes one to nursery and the other to school, goes to work, then pick up from nursery and school and the mum collects about 6pm. She is knackers but her daughter and son in law coluldnt afford to work if she didnt.
She also has them in the holidays.

I think most adults who want help in old age see it as a trade off for them raising their own kids, not grandkids.
I couldn't think of anything thsn burdening our DS with our care, we will take care of that ourselves. But i do hope we are still close and he wants me involved with his kids, if he chooses to have kids of course.

I met a woman the other day who has 9 DGC. She told me she sees one or more of them every day and that she’s the luckiest person alive. She talked with such joy about them.

I worry that my DC will live far away from me and I won’t get the chance to help them out.

I’ve had zero help from our parents as one side were monopolised with their new families as they remarried and had no time for us, and the other didn’t want to help me out of spite.

It was sad and hard at times but now mine are older it’s great. I do things for my own remaining parent, but not much, and I do absolutely zero for my in-laws. My in-laws treated me like a bad smell and as a result I’ve distanced myself from them. They are aging badly and are not healthy and I’m not lifting a finger to help them.

My parents did nothing to help me when I had my children, not even a couple of hours so we could have a night out as a couple (aged 23 when I had my first so still young enough to enjoy a good night out now and again). My mother was 54 at the time and neither had worked for 10 years at that point.
Apparently my mother told my Aunt that she 'wouldn't be looking after it when it arrived' but I only found that out about 15 years later thankfully as I would have asked her how she had the good conscience to say that after my grandmother had us every single school holiday and multiple weekends throughout our childhood.
I was my grandmother's main carer for the last 6 years of her life, I spent my maternity leave with my second child looking after her and she deserved every second of my time, my grandmother doted on her great grandchildren and would have helped me out now and again if she could.
Once my grandmother died our family fractured, she was the glue that kept everyone together. I am NC with my parents now for various reasons (not childcare related) so I don't have to worry about who looks after them in their old age.....it won't be me!

My mother made it clear on arrival of first GC that they would babysit when it fitted in with their plans but would not be committing to any regular childcare arrangements.

Absolutely as it should be. I will be doing the same. They both worked full time and raised kids. I remember fun sleepovers at my granny and grandpas just as my kids have had with my parents. They have even taken them away for a week at a time.. but never would I expect or want them to be committed to anything. They are retired and want to enjoy it.

Do children own their parents a debt of care? Genuine question? I didn’t ask to be born? They are the ones that made a decision to have me.

But then do parents owe their children babysitting? The parents didn't ask for their grandchildren to be born.

Completely agree with this! In contrast I see our very well off next door neighbours regularly relying on elderly grandmother to do school pickups and drop offs, involving overnight stays as she does not live nearby. She is not very mobile. They treat her like the hired help! There is not a shortage of before/after school childcare in this area.

We will be very happy to spend time with and help out occasionally with our grandkids when the time comes, but no way will we be spending our retirement as childminders.

See how you feel when you've raised your family. Your perspective can change over the years.

I never had much grandparent help. Babysitting maybe once a year. I didn't expect it either. They did "just visit" but that was enough. It was nice to see them then.

I imagine being more hands on than my parents were but not five days a week. There are things I want to do that I can't do if I'm looking after grandchildren, and I will never get to do them if I don't do them now. That's not to say I can't be involved or be there in emergencies. I will help out around my life and as it works for me. I'll consider babysitting requests if they come, but not more than 1-2 days a week. It will also be on my terms. I've heard of grown children dictating that their parents can't take the kids to the park or on walks and must stay at the house if them. I don't think I'd accept that.

I don't expect my children to look after me. I'd hate to get in the way of them living their lives. Making sure I'm okay and visiting, sure, I hope for that, but not care.

PS - I also would expect my children to have a plan B if I'm doing any regular babysitting once a week, say. If I want to go on holiday for a week or two, I'm going. I'm not going to let that commitment stop me or I'll never do it.

Do children own their parents a debt of care? Genuine question? I didn’t ask to be born? They are the ones that made a decision to have me.

No, of course they don't.

Just as they don't owe you any childcare - after all, you made the decision to have your children.

You could become disabled tomorrow. What would you do for care then? Think about it now, not as something that you might only need when you're elderly. (Sorry but that's a particular bug bear of mine).

I have 3 children. They live in different parts of the uk, none of which are within 2 hours of me.

Which one do you expect me to move near to?

Im also still working. Full time. And I don't expect any of my kids to care for me when im elderly. Nor do I expect it now.

I wonder how many people will care for their parents or grandparents when their ailing and elderly. Fair enough if you have an “it takes a village” mentality but it needs to work both ways. If you’re going to accept free childcare from your parents I think you need to really be prepared to step up and take on caring responsibilities for them when the time comes.

To be fair elderly people don't always want care from their children. My own grandfather found the idea really humiliating and much preferred us visiting for tea and a chat and leaving that side to carers much like grandparents who want to do fun things with their grandkids.

Why is it just assumed that it's what everyone wants?

I don't understand why so many posters keep trying to make a link between grandparents providing childcare and adult children providing elderly care.

It's almost as if they're implying that their elderly parents don't deserve any help unless they've given up their retirement to provide childcare - it makes no sense to me.

It's about nuance though & how facilitating one facilitates the other. As I said I live close to our families because financially they facilitated that, of course that makes it much easier for me to help them vs some people I know who move hundreds of miles away. Plus you often read on here that someone's gps helped their parents a lot with childcare but then the parents don't. I find life in general is much easier when you have family support.

My DPs looked after one of my brothers children all the time (nursery and school run every day, dinner 5x a week etc) and used to have them for weekends and take them on holiday to give my brother and his then wife a break. They refused to even babysit mine or my other brothers children at all saying they had done it all for my brother's kids and had had enough. When I told DM I was going back to work the first thing she said was "I'm not looking after your kids". I didn't expect her to, I had never asked her to, or even hinted at it. Needless to say this caused huge issues in the family and as the only daughter she is now expecting me to run round after her. The brother who got 1000s of hours free childcare has fucked off and barely sees her and her now grown up grandkids don't even remember her birthday - but God forbid if this is pointed out.

My friend has 2 sets of grandchildren. One set (boy and girl) are fine. They are well behaved and polite and my friend looks after them without a problem. The other set are two boys and are wild and uncontrollable. My friend will do all she can to avoid looking after the boys. On top of this she is in her seventies and as an earlier poster mentioned people are having children later in life so grandparents are not young enough. When my friend does look after the unruly boys she is exhausted and vows never to do it again.

I just don't agree that facilitating one should facilitate the other - IMO that's such an unpleasant, transactional way of viewing family relationships.

My parents have worked bloody hard their whole lives - they raised me with no family support and should be able to spend their retirement doing whatever the hell they want, not being tied down providing childcare for children I've chosen to have.

If they need care in their old age then they'll have to pay for it - not because I don't want to help them but because I'll be working full-time and unable to provide any kind regular hands-on care for them. There's no way they'd expect me to give up all my time for them, just as I'd never expect them to do it for me.

Child care for work i'd more say was up to the undividual as asking someone to commit some of their week is a big ask. However, where possible and if able to, grandparents should be willing to help out the occasional time to both spend time with their grandchildren and help you out. I'd find that offensive they wanted to see their grandchildren but didnt want to help out from time to time if they are able to.

Yes - my family are the same.

I'd raise my eyebrows if my parents expected care. They decided to spend their retirement overseas. This meant they weren't there to care for their own parents. This was left to their siblings. Do they then expect their children to care for them when they didn't care for their own parents? I think they do expect more from us than they gave their own parents but it's not going to happen. Same reason - their overseas move. I don't live in the same country so it's just not an option.

So rather than be furious with your brother who royally took advantage of your parents, you're annoyed with them?

I am angry on your behalf reading that. No wonder it caused issues 💐

Our parents aren’t helping us with the care of our children, but then turn around expect us to care for them when they need old age care

But your parents reared you! Is that not reason enough to help them out in old age? Why do they also need to provide childcare for your children in order to get help from you?

On that basis, a person without children would have no obligation to their parents in old age.

We don't have grandparent help due to age and distance. We do get a weekend away on our own each year when dc go for a sleepover. We pay for fulltime childcare and we organise our weekends to allow each other time for hobbies, appointments etc. People with grandparent help default to grandparents ahead of spouses. I see it with family members all the time - if they both want to do something on a Saturday, e.g golf for him and lunch with friends for her, kids go to the grandparents for the 6th day that week. In our house, we would have to compromise and only one of us would get to go. It's ridiculous how much people put on grandparents.

I would not offer fulltime childcare for my grandkids. Babysitting, the odd sleepover, days out all fine but if I make it to retirement age, I would like to be able to be carefree and not have to clock watch all the time.

My parents have been desperate to be grandparents for a very long time. They're late 50's and we have just had our first baby. When I was pregnant, my mum and dad made it very clear that they wanted to help out 1-2 days a week as they wanted to spend as much time with DS as possible. We calculated the costs for full time nursery, which we could afford, however my parents made good on their promise and have said they'll have baby one day a week. Their reasoning for one day not two is because they want to be able to buy him all the things they want to and need to still work to do so. I am extremely grateful to have such lovely and willing parents and count myself very lucky.