Page 2 | To be sad about grandparents not helping childcare

ChickenRacer · 2023-05-07T05:58:35+00:00

Ive heard so many stories about grandparents not wanting to help/be particularly involved with their grandchildren.I understand it’s not all grandparents, but their is a big proportion who just don’t help and support their children when they have small children. Explanations for this often seem to be that the grandparents did their time parenting and now it’s their time to enjoy life. Which I do understand. But to me though this seems so sad. They say it takes a village to raise children - but grandparents are a huge part of many peoples village, so if they aren’t part of the village that’s less support for parents of young children. This might upset some people, but I also wonder those grandparents that do not feel they want to help with the care of their grandchildren- do they still expect their adult children to care for them in their old age when they themselves need care? Will they pay their children to care for them, as some expect to be paid for caring for their grandchildren? Please don’t be all upset by this, they are genuine questions. I have 3 children and for various reasons have ZERO help from grandparents. But I very much hope if I am lucky enough to have grandchildren that I will be able to help my children with them in the best way for them. And I wouldn’t want them to have to care for me in my old age. 🤷♀️

MathsNervous · 07/05/2023 07:20

My own parents got lots of help with childcare, I don't as I don't live locally to them with my own DC. Plus my own DM has long term health issues which makes it impossible to help out regularly.

It's rubbish as you only have yourself to rely on but there you go. It's how it can be for some of us.

I will be happy to help out with any future grandchildren. If I am healthy enough to.

RegainingTheWill2023 · 07/05/2023 07:22

ChickenRacer · 07/05/2023 07:17

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I agree that grandparents shouldn’t be out of pocket. And yes with an ageing population some won’t be able to help as much due to health etc.

I guess I was more thinking of grandparents that are still fit and are retired. I’ve heard stories of very potentially capable grandparents still not being interested in their grandchildren (not even for childcare, just visiting them occasionally) and basically being too busy with hobbies etc.

Maybe I’m wrong but I just feel part of generation that is trapped caring for our own parents and children at the same time, with so little help. Our parents aren’t helping us with the care of our children, but then turn around expect us to care for them when they need old age care.

You feel trapped but are advocating that your parents should join that entrapment. Are your grandparents still alive?

alphabetti · 07/05/2023 07:22

I pay £800 a month for x3 days a week nursery for my 2yr old. I have x1 weekday as a NWD and x1 she goes to my mums from 7.30/8 till 5.30 for free. My mum offered and says she wishes she didn’t have to still work so she could have her free more days. It’s not often but if I want a weekend day out or eve when she’s not at work il ask and if she available then she has her again for free. I do send her bag full of nappies, wipes, change of clothes etc but I think my mum would find it weird if I sent food too. I couldn’t afford to send her to nursery for further days even with childcare help as it’s just too expensive so if my mum didn’t have her I’d have to drop a day.

for us we are a family and therefore do expect that we are there to look after each other when needed. Had my oldest when was 20yr so likely if they have children I will still be working my 4days but I will 100% be willing to have them for free as I feel my role is their mother not to dump responsibility once they’ve turned 18yrs. Obviously if health gets in way and it would be dangerous it’s a different matter.

If grandparents are not helpful when can be I don’t think they have any right to complain when they get older as what you put in you get out.

Patchworksack · 07/05/2023 07:23

Surely (assuming your parents cared about you and gave you a decent upbringing) you already owe them a debt of care when they are elderly? We live 200 miles from both sets of grandparents so the question of childcare never arose, but they have good relationships with our children. I will still feel responsible for helping them as they age - not being their carer but helping them however I can.

marmite2023 · 07/05/2023 07:23

My mum will be nearly 80 when our first arrives. She’s very excited and wants to help, and is fit and able, still hopping five bar gates out on hikes, but the reality is that she will not be able to do much as it will be too tiring.

Original poster

ChickenRacer · 07/05/2023 07:26

RegainingTheWill2023 · 07/05/2023 07:18

What you are actually promoting is that women who spend their younger years putting their lives and careers on hold to rase children, should then do the same a few years later to provide childcare for their grandchildren whilst also caring for their own aging parents ....
Retirement age is 67. How are women supposed to do all this?
And of course its down to women. All these caring commitments mean their earning potential would continue to lag way behind men so it's inevitable.
The answer is affordable childcare and adequate state funded care for the elderly.

I never said grandmothers, I said grandparents. I’m sure grandfathers in general are just as capable as grandmothers to interact with their grandchildren

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Rainyrunway · 07/05/2023 07:26

Completely agree. We have basically no help. I have never asked for regular childcare but honestly we get 1 or maybe 2 evenings out a year from my parents, and none from in-laws. I think that's really selfish. Especially since I was expected to help out with my elderly granny before she died, including taking her to appointments quite often which meant having to drag young kids along too. And in-laws had my neice and nephew ALL THE TIME.
If any of them expect care from me they will be disappointed. I will obviously help out with shopping if they need it and pop round for a chat and a cup of tea but honestly that's it.

Original poster

ChickenRacer · 07/05/2023 07:27

ChiefPearlClutcher · 07/05/2023 07:07

I have three children that my DH and I am raising without any childcare input from grandparents.

My parents are still working at 75.
My in laws are enjoying a fabulous retirement after working bloody hard all their lives.

I won’t do any childcare when my kids are grown. I will be fun granny and that is it.

Would you expect your children to care for you in your old age? Genuine question?

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Lollipop20 · 07/05/2023 07:28

I feel for you on this one as I have my parents and in laws who are all retired with my parents still being in their mid 50s and in laws 60s and my LG is in full time childcare and has been since 9 months (now 3) and my parents pick her up after nursery 1 day a week and that’s the only help we get between all of them. My in laws frustrate me as they set the tone from the get go, after having a traumatic birth and my LG in intensive care for the first 2 weeks with me also still in hospital, when travelling 2.5 hours to see them when she was 5 weeks old my partner asked if they could get up with her to basically give us one morning of rest bite his MIL reply was ‘no, been there done that’ and that was that. It’s even more frustrating as me and my partner were looked after a lot by our grandparents so our parents could work etc (so much so, our daughters middle name is my nans name as I was so close to her due to that) so obviously they needed it and utilised their parents but not the same here…

Quisquam · 07/05/2023 07:28

I guess they feel like they have done their time, but you get out what you put in.

I disagree. My DM was a SAHM. My grandparents lived all over the country; but for about 10 years lived in our county. They only did childcare of me twice - 2 weeks after the birth of DB; and a week when my parents had to go abroad, to deal with the death of my other grandfather there. However, we went to their house for tea every week; went out on whole family trips to the seaside, etc at weekends and they came to us for Xmas. In particular, they played board and card games with me.

I thought the world of them; and after I moved away as an adult; I always went to see them whenever I visited my parents.

Imo, it is nonsense to think grandparents have to do childcare to have a close relationship with grandchildren - just having fun together is what counts!

Original poster

ChickenRacer · 07/05/2023 07:29

YouAreNotBatman · 07/05/2023 07:09

I’m so tired of parents saying how it ”takes a village”, when all they mean is village for me - but not for thee.

Here, do you mean the parents of little children who want help with childcare

or

parents of adult children who want help with old age care?

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Lollipop20 · 07/05/2023 07:30

Lollipop20 · 07/05/2023 07:28

I feel for you on this one as I have my parents and in laws who are all retired with my parents still being in their mid 50s and in laws 60s and my LG is in full time childcare and has been since 9 months (now 3) and my parents pick her up after nursery 1 day a week and that’s the only help we get between all of them. My in laws frustrate me as they set the tone from the get go, after having a traumatic birth and my LG in intensive care for the first 2 weeks with me also still in hospital, when travelling 2.5 hours to see them when she was 5 weeks old my partner asked if they could get up with her to basically give us one morning of rest bite his MIL reply was ‘no, been there done that’ and that was that. It’s even more frustrating as me and my partner were looked after a lot by our grandparents so our parents could work etc (so much so, our daughters middle name is my nans name as I was so close to her due to that) so obviously they needed it and utilised their parents but not the same here…

Also forgot to add childcare for the year is £13K

RegainingTheWill2023 · 07/05/2023 07:31

ChickenRacer · 07/05/2023 07:26

I never said grandmothers, I said grandparents. I’m sure grandfathers in general are just as capable as grandmothers to interact with their grandchildren

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You are not asking for grandparents to 'interact' with their grandchildren you are asking for childcare.
Fathers are just as capable of taking leave to look after sick children as mothers but that's not what happens in the vast majority of cases. Largely because of the pay gap between men and women.
I'm talking realities.
Most families have more than 1 child. How do parents choose which of their adult offspring to provide childcare for?

Original poster

ChickenRacer · 07/05/2023 07:31

spottybug · 07/05/2023 07:10

I don't think anyone should have kids and expect any one else to help out with looking after them. People die. You need to be self sufficient.

I don’t expect anything (and I don’t get anything either!). But I do feel it’s sad that so many grandparents are not interested in their grandchildren. Even to visit occasionally, or to help their adult children at the odd meet-up. Seems bizarre to me.

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Anycrispsleft · 07/05/2023 07:31

I think it's a failure in our society that to have decent pension you basically have to work uninterrupted for 30 years but then childcare is unaffordable unless you earn a comfortable chunk above the average salary, and I don't think it makes it fairer when the unpaid labour is basically shifted to women of the older generation! That said I can't imagine not helping my own kids. At least with things like sick days and school holidays, if not 5 days a week care.

Rainsdropskeepfalling · 07/05/2023 07:33

I'm constantly surprised that some families still live so close to each other that childcare during the week is a possibility. I've never lived closer than 2 hours from family and didn't have kids until we could afford the childcare. Just seems so alien to expect anything else

Original poster

ChickenRacer · 07/05/2023 07:33

WaltzingWaters · 07/05/2023 07:14

Exactly this. The odd day/evening babysitting as and when the grandparents can is very different to committing to regular weekly all day childcare. For many reasons it’s not fair to expect that unless the grandparent is happy, capable and willing to do so.
Whilst I would love to spend lots of time with grandchildren if I have them when older, I would also love to travel lots and enjoy retirement (if my health allows it), so wouldn’t want to commit to weekly childcare.

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I agree completely with what your saying.

But genuine question, would you expect your adult children to care for you in your old age if you needed it?

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Odile13 · 07/05/2023 07:33

Looking after young children is really hard work and if older people don’t want to / aren’t able to do childcare then I don’t think it should be expected. There are also limits on what people can do. If someone has multiple grandchildren they can’t keep looking after more and more. The early years can be very tough and not everybody might want to have to do it all over again.

My parents and in-laws visit us (separately) and we spend time together as a family. My parents will do a few hours childcare if I have an appointment and I’m grateful for that. Other than that DH and I pay for nursery.

I don’t like the phrase ‘it takes a village’ to be honest. There are lots of people throughout time who’ve had no help or support for a whole host of reasons - bereavement, proximity, health issues and so on. This ‘village’ often seems to be older women who are supposed to commit to long days of childcare for multiple children - and it just doesn’t sit right with me. Obviously, childcare is expensive and there are no easy solutions to that, but the majority of us know that going in and you have to figure out what to do and take responsibility.

My parents have already done loads for me by parenting me and helping me in my life - I don’t like this idea that they now have to spend their 70s doing childcare for me to somehow deserve my help in old age.

RegainingTheWill2023 · 07/05/2023 07:34

But I do feel it’s sad that so many grandparents are not interested in their grandchildren
That's a completely different issue.

TheNecessaryWoman · 07/05/2023 07:34

RegainingTheWill2023 · 07/05/2023 07:18

What you are actually promoting is that women who spend their younger years putting their lives and careers on hold to rase children, should then do the same a few years later to provide childcare for their grandchildren whilst also caring for their own aging parents ....
Retirement age is 67. How are women supposed to do all this?
And of course its down to women. All these caring commitments mean their earning potential would continue to lag way behind men so it's inevitable.
The answer is affordable childcare and adequate state funded care for the elderly.

Well said. The side eye is always directed at the female relative who can't or won't: care for grand children, care for ageing parents, care for ageing inlaws. I've witnessed this many times.

And as for.. I think it’s only fair that if you didn’t get any help they can’t expect help from you. I guess they feel like they have done their time, but you get out what you put in. Surely if your parents raised you well, with love, encouragement and support, you do what you can for them in their dotage (and I speak as a grandparent who helps out regularly).

WaltzingWaters · 07/05/2023 07:34

YouveGotAFastCar · 07/05/2023 07:17

This is a brilliant point.

We’d never have expected them to have him as childcare, but we did think they may want to take him to the zoo or a toddler group or something for an hour every now and again, even with us.

Theres been no interest in any of that. We did used to invite them, but they never came, so we don’t now.

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Yeah, that is sad. They’re the ones who will miss out on having a good relationship with their grandchildren.

I have a friend whose MIL kept begging them to have grandchildren saying she’d do all the childcare so both parents could keep working with childcare costs. They now have an almost 1 year old and the MIL has said no way to childcare and only sees the child for a couple hours once a month or so.

hiredandsqueak · 07/05/2023 07:35

I have provided childcare for my grandson since he was nine months old. I have done so because dd's partner walked away when she was heavily pregnant with their planned child and has been nowhere near since. I wouldn't let my dd struggle but if her circumstances had been different I wouldn't have provided childcare for her and she is well aware that this is a one off offer. I love dgs I like his visits with his dm, I like taking him out, I like spending a couple of hours playing games on occasion whilst his dm goes shopping but childcare is hard work, pretty boring to me and limits the time I have to pursue my own interests.

Totalwasteofpaper · 07/05/2023 07:35

I'm with you.

We pay for a full time nanny but that's my choice (because my dm is older and my baby is young and i dont want her exhausted and tied to our schedule.)A full day is exhausting for someone in their 70s and it would be nuts to be her to do it full time although she did offer 😵‍💫
She provides care when nanny is on holiday and anytime i need a couple of hours here and there. She also comes and takes dd early from nanny when she fancies it.
They are so close and their bond / love is heart meltingly sweet

its makes life sooooooi much easier and i appreciate it so much. She cooked and cleaned the entire first month after i had my baby to help me and dh adjust it was so helpful.

I would 100% do the same for my kids.

my DM had NO ONE to help Her so knows how hard it is

Mil on the other hand had 4 granparents living within 500m of her, who provided free ft care and then wraparound childcare and food for all her children.
I think because of this (which she seems to have taken for granted) her idea of help is to do things like take the babies toys so the baby cries "will engage with her" because my baby isnt entertaining her enough and do a running commentary on how much my husband does and how HER DH neveeeeeeer did x.

There was a thread of her a while back and the jist was basically any decent person who can help their kids out with childcare should really and i agree with that.

Original poster

ChickenRacer · 07/05/2023 07:36

GeeHDees · 07/05/2023 07:15

I think it depends what your expectations are. I'd be sad if my children never saw or didn't have a relationship with their grandparents, but I wouldn't expect them to do routine childcare (help in genuine emergencies would be great though).

do they still expect their adult children to care for them in their old age when they themselves need care? Will they pay their children to care for them, as some expect to be paid for caring for their grandchildren?

I find this a very odd emotional blackmail type question and probably demonstrates the expectations you have.

It’s not a blackmail question, just a genuine question. Do grandparents who whilst capable do not want to help with any level of childcare (so not even just odd emergency/occasional times) still expect their adult children to care for them when they need old age care?

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Timesawastin · 07/05/2023 07:36

snitzelvoncrumb · 07/05/2023 07:11

Yes, there is a difference between a bit of babysitting and full time care. I don’t think that is fair. But you can’t expect your kids to go out of their way for you when they are older if you don’t occasionally help out with grand kids.

And if they live a hundred miles away?