To be sad about grandparents not helping childcare

[ChickenRacer]

Ive heard so many stories about grandparents not wanting to help/be particularly involved with their grandchildren.I understand it’s not all grandparents, but their is a big proportion who just don’t help and support their children when they have small children.

Explanations for this often seem to be that the grandparents did their time parenting and now it’s their time to enjoy life. Which I do understand.

But to me though this seems so sad.

They say it takes a village to raise children - but grandparents are a huge part of many peoples village, so if they aren’t part of the village that’s less support for parents of young children.

This might upset some people, but I also wonder those grandparents that do not feel they want to help with the care of their grandchildren- do they still expect their adult children to care for them in their old age when they themselves need care? Will they pay their children to care for them, as some expect to be paid for caring for their grandchildren?

Please don’t be all upset by this, they are genuine questions.

I have 3 children and for various reasons have ZERO help from grandparents. But I very much hope if I am lucky enough to have grandchildren that I will be able to help my children with them in the best way for them. And I wouldn’t want them to have to care for me in my old age. 🤷‍♀️

You do get out what you put in with grandchildren I think.

My adult dc is close with and regularly sees the grandparents who helped look after her and has no relationship with the ones who didn't bother with her much.

Similarly I am not falling over myself to help out my in-laws now that their health is in decline as they have never been very helpful to me.

I do think it's an issue for society that grandparents are less likely to be able to help with their grandchildren due to being older and also needing to carry on in paid work for longer. Not to mention that healthcare provision is woefully inadequate. No wonder the birth rate is dropping.

My in laws absolutely live for their grandkids. They would genuinely want to set up their own creche and have them all full time! They are the only ones I know like this though.

My parents have quite a few friends who do a lot of childcare and in all honesty they do too much and it's out of obligation, which I think is really unfair on them.

My parents had my DS for one day a week from tiny to school age and now they just do a bit of ad hoc. I think this is perfect because they enjoyed having him and knew it massively helped us out, but at the same time I didn't feel like I was taking the mick.

I can't relate at all to someone who is local and fit and able to do childcare and doesn't do it! IRL I don't know any grandparents like this.

Why is it sad?
Assuming they get to see the kids regularly then why is there an assumption they should have to spend time essentially as a childcare service?

I am exhausted and have a chest infection, my husband regularly works away for long periods of time. I have my own business so don’t get time off sick, we live in an area where there is no childcare. My parents live close by and are retired and fit and healthy. They have no interest in helping, every so often I get a half hearted offer of help but they never stick to it. What I wouldn’t do for grandparents that god forbid wanted to help out their own child once in a while.

I looked after my DGC for various times for 3 days a week.

That was childcare. They were working and it saved nursery fees

Doesn't mean to say I didn't enjoy it or didn't love having them.

But it was childcare. Totally different to times when I just see them as 'family'

It's been interesting so many see family relationships as transactional with I won't help them because they didn't help me ...maybe they did not help you because you only bothered with them when you needed them?
My attitude is you always help family no matter what they are family.

I looked after my DGC for various times for 3 days a week.

That was childcare. They were working and it saved nursery fees

Doesn't mean to say I didn't enjoy it or didn't love having them.

But it was childcare. Totally different to times when I just see them as 'family'

If you're looking after them three days per week then that is childcare. That's not what I was referring to. I was referring to people who say that taking their grandchildren for a day out sometimes or having them for a sleepover sometimes - basically spending any time with their grandchildren at all without one of the parents also present in the room - is "childcare" and claiming that doing so is some kind of unreasonable demand of the parent rather than something that any normal person would want to do.

I think part of the issue is that childcare for working parents becomes a big commitment.

When i was a kid lots of people went to grandma regularly for a sleepover or had grandparents who collected them from school a day or two a week - but it was at the grandparents choice rather than being needed for work - often it just gave a sahm a break. It didn't stop grandparents making ad hoc plans, going on holiday in term time, swapping days here and there etc.

Now people want grandparents to provide a guaranteed weekly day or two of childcare while both parents work. Its really inflexible, there's no swapping days around and it can create havoc if the grandparents want to go on holiday.

It can put some people off offering to help at all.

I’ll definitely help, but not all the time. I’d commit to one day per week if I wasn’t full time and occasional overnights - probably even a holiday when a little older. My parents helped me hugely with DS1 but I was only 16 and they were 39 and 46 when he was born! By the time I had DS2 and DD I’d moved away for work and had no permanent help and it was a lot tougher.