To be sad about grandparents not helping childcare

[ChickenRacer]

Ive heard so many stories about grandparents not wanting to help/be particularly involved with their grandchildren.I understand it’s not all grandparents, but their is a big proportion who just don’t help and support their children when they have small children.

Explanations for this often seem to be that the grandparents did their time parenting and now it’s their time to enjoy life. Which I do understand.

But to me though this seems so sad.

They say it takes a village to raise children - but grandparents are a huge part of many peoples village, so if they aren’t part of the village that’s less support for parents of young children.

This might upset some people, but I also wonder those grandparents that do not feel they want to help with the care of their grandchildren- do they still expect their adult children to care for them in their old age when they themselves need care? Will they pay their children to care for them, as some expect to be paid for caring for their grandchildren?

Please don’t be all upset by this, they are genuine questions.

I have 3 children and for various reasons have ZERO help from grandparents. But I very much hope if I am lucky enough to have grandchildren that I will be able to help my children with them in the best way for them. And I wouldn’t want them to have to care for me in my old age. 🤷‍♀️

When I was growing up my dad's parents were abroad and one (my mum's parents) were two hours away. They couldn't help regularly but would come to stay if my mum had a work residential for example, or was ill. We also used to go and stay with them as we got older and loved spending time with them. They were a big part of my childhood and I had such a good relationship with them. It would have been a shame to have missed out on all that.

We live too far for regular help so have used paid childcare since they were babies. Now my mum will have them in school holidays for part of it and MIL sometimes too.
My mum always said she was happy to have them ad hoc but not regular every week. Which is fair enough. She deserves to enjoy her retirement too.
We are grateful for the help we do get. My mum had absolutely no help when she was bringing up her children so understands how hard it is

We don’t have GPs to help with childcare either, so I was a stay at home mum with my dd until she went to primary school, as we couldn’t afford childcare, and with ds he went to nursery at 8 months old as we were a bit better off by then. I remember my mom offering to look after ds once a week when I went back to work, this worked for about 2 months then she was asking me to change my hours at work to suit her better which I couldn’t do as I’d just negotiated new working hours- in short relying on mom just wasn’t working for us as she wanted to do it flexibly rather than on set days, and then eventually didn’t want to look after him at all, so we paid for him to go to nursery on that day too. My dad doesn’t do childcare at all, and dh’s dad is too immobile and deaf.
I don’t blame any gps for not wanting to help regularly, sometimes I wonder if their own working life has put them off the routine of having to be up and ready on certain days, particularly if they had to do shift work for years. I think it’s amazing when I do see gps helping out a lot, my neighbour looks after her 1 year old gs full time, but then again she’s never worked a day in her life and so probably enjoys the routine and actually having something to do.

I think its strange when people say "I definitely wont be caring for elderly DM/DF" I mean unless you are NC or something ,then most of us would be unable to ignore a request for some help surely?

Depends on circumstances though doesn't it, you may have moved really far away. Plus you are more likely to ignore a request for help if they have ignored yours.

Do children own their parents a debt of care? Genuine question? I didn’t ask to be born? They are the ones that made a decision to have me. I wouldn’t expect my children to care for me (would be lovely if they do, but not expected and I don’t think they are in “debt” to me).

I also don’t expect grandparents to help with the care of my children but again would be nice! Even just an occasional help, don’t mean regular childcare

We have DC relatively young in our family. DM was 54 when DS (DGC1) was born. They helped out with random inset days and weddings/ nights out when the the DCs were young rather than regular childcare. This was in addition to supporting me through medical school and DM staying for a week after I had DS to help me with breast feeding etc.

They 74 and 76 now, my DCs are grown. I am giving my career my all just now and expect to continue to do so for another 5 years after which I would be happy dropping down to pt and/ or moving closer to DPs to help out. I feel I owe them that.

My childrens grandparents haven’t even baby sat once. They never even help out once a year at a birthday party or making a Christmas meal. ZERO

That's really sad @ChickenRacer and I can understand you feeling disappointed and upset. But it's a totally different issue to the discussion around childcare.

My parents generation (I'm born 75) indulged and revelled in the money grabbing 80s. They aren't the generation of the war and don't have that in it together thing. They're out for themselves 100%

Ouch! 😆

When I had DD there was no question that my mum would be involved and she did do some childcare when we were stuck despite it being too much for her really. But then there is no question that I will look after her when she can't do that for herself anymore, even if that's really too much for me. That's how our family works. I never expected my mum to help and she would never expect me to help her in return in later life, it's just sort of unspoken that we will do things for each other.
DD's dad's side of the family voiced the opinion when I was pregnant that it is abominable of children to ask grandparents for childcare help when they've done their time looking after small children but then their own child hasn't even considered that he would do anything whatsoever for them in their old age, he says they can just pay for whatever help they need when the time comes. Its quite sad really, but then they don't have a close relationship. I do think partly what makes a family close is a willingness to help and support one another.

Surely (assuming your parents cared about you and gave you a decent upbringing) you already owe them a debt of care when they are elderly?

Such as what @Patchworksack

I will still feel responsible for helping them as they age - not being their carer but helping them however I can.

How do you do this practically from 200 miles away?

My parents would happily look after DS and even offered to have him 3 days a week. However they live so far it’s not possible. When I have visited them they have spent time with him whilst I have done things like showered, gone to shops etc.
In laws on the other hand wanted absolutely nothing to do with DS.
I hear people when they say grandparents shouldn’t be burdened with childcare and didn’t expect either grandparents to take on the role.
However a little help here and there goes a massive way.

I do think partly what makes a family close is a willingness to help and support one another.

I agree with that, our families also financially helped us so we could afford to live closer to make it all easier.

Depends on what you mean by 'help' doesn't it. Spending time with your grandchildren is one thing, committing to child care regularly is another.

YANBU. I'd also like to know if those grandparents who won't help (as opposed to can't) accepted any childcare or financial help when they had young families.

Obviously less women worked so how people supported would have been different.

I would never openly blame someone for not helping, but deep down I do think it's a bit off to not offer a day if you're retired. Caveat, depending on distance from each other and needs of the children and grandparents.

I have never understood this expectation that grandparents must help.

My FIL Ives in the next street and my mum is retired but I have never expected or asked them to provide regular childcare!

Me and DH pay about £200 a month on before and and after school club.

My mum is hoping to move nearer to us in the coming months (she’s currently about 25 minutes away) and she has offered to help out with the childcare rather than use the school clubs, but we will still be paying her.

She will be doing us a favour and I certainly don’t expect her to give up her time for free, especially when she’s 66 years old. She’s already worked for about 40 years and raised her own two children, she certainly shouldn’t be expected to then look after mine in her free time for no payment.

My FIL who lives on the same street does not do any before or after school care, and nor do we expect him to. He will always help out in emergency situations but that is very different to expecting him to look after them every day at set periods in order to provide childcare for free.

My mum has my child twice a week and I'm forever grateful. I wholehearted intend to do the same for my children if circumstances allow.

Have you asked them? Do you invite them for a Xmas meal?
We don't attend gcs' birthday parties or see them on Xmas Day...but see them at other times

Presumably they cared for you (and any siblings). You want them to do two lots to ‘qualify’?

Exactly this. How many of these people were throwing around the "it takes a village" line before they themselves started expecting others to help them?

Were they investing any serious time in being anyone else's village before they started demanding it from others?

The level of entitlement is astounding at times.

Maybe forming a good relationship with your mil is a good idea, and not following MN wisdom of going NC the moment you disagree might be a start.

Given the number of mil threads on here, most aren't capable of looking after their DGC. 😉

I don't understand why so many posters keep trying to make a link between grandparents providing childcare and adult children providing elderly care.

It's almost as if they're implying that their elderly parents don't deserve any help unless they've given up their retirement to provide childcare - it makes no sense to me.

For me, the fact that I love my parents means I don't want them to provide regular childcare as it wouldn't be fair on them. Equally they've said that's why they don't want me to provide regular care for them in old age - because they love me and don't want to become a burden or a tie.

I find it interesting (and a bit baffling) how so many families have the totally opposite view and won't provide elderly care because their parents wouldn't give up their retirement to provide childcare. That's bonkers to me.

100% my parents I’m sure will expect me to help when they get older but honestly I don’t really care and I won’t be helping.

It’s not emotional blackmail when I’ve been on my knees, struggling asking for help and they don’t seem to care. They way my parents have been with me since my children were born has ruined our relationship. I keep it pleasant as I want my children to have a basic relationship with them but honestly I’m not too bothered about seeing them again.

My parents love a new born and want to visit weekly then once they reach 10-12 weeks they aren’t interested any more and it’s made me realise why they kept having kids and why I felt very left out and unwanted as a child myself.

Theres more to this than just if grandparents help out there’s memories of feeling like an inconvenience with a potential narcissistic mother growing up.

Yes we’ve asked. They live 20 min drive away.

Same, our eldest is 25 and our youngest is 13

my eldest sons GF (now ex) was very vocal about wanting children and last year they were actively trying. She made it clear she was factoring me in her childcare plan so that she could continue her career. So I had to sit her down and say I had no intention of providing regular childcare for her should they have a baby as I was still looking after my own kids. I was just coming to the point for the first time in many years where I was starting to have some freedom.

That may be selfish. My parents have always helped ad hoc over the years looking after the kids when younger and they stayed here recently when we were away for the weekend to take and pick up my son from school etc. They would never have agreed to set days a week childcare but have always tried to help me out when I needed it.

I would be more than happy to babysit. I would also like to take my eventual GC out for day trips, holidays etc if I was still fit and able. But I wouldn’t want to be committed to childcare.

As for withholding my time and care to help my aging parents…..they brought me up and provided for my through my childhood so I would want to help them when the time came.

Absolutely agree.

GP’s being judged if they don’t offer at least one day of (presumably free) childcare is really sad. Years of child rearing, years of working, often years of caring for parents, then being judged for not volunteering to do it all over again.

Children are yours to take care of, the village thing is nonsense.