To be sad about grandparents not helping childcare

[ChickenRacer]

Ive heard so many stories about grandparents not wanting to help/be particularly involved with their grandchildren.I understand it’s not all grandparents, but their is a big proportion who just don’t help and support their children when they have small children.

Explanations for this often seem to be that the grandparents did their time parenting and now it’s their time to enjoy life. Which I do understand.

But to me though this seems so sad.

They say it takes a village to raise children - but grandparents are a huge part of many peoples village, so if they aren’t part of the village that’s less support for parents of young children.

This might upset some people, but I also wonder those grandparents that do not feel they want to help with the care of their grandchildren- do they still expect their adult children to care for them in their old age when they themselves need care? Will they pay their children to care for them, as some expect to be paid for caring for their grandchildren?

Please don’t be all upset by this, they are genuine questions.

I have 3 children and for various reasons have ZERO help from grandparents. But I very much hope if I am lucky enough to have grandchildren that I will be able to help my children with them in the best way for them. And I wouldn’t want them to have to care for me in my old age. 🤷‍♀️

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts you are missing the point that it's often about practicalities....

As been said many many times before, you chose to have children and also grandparents so have their own life

And sure takes a village which is 99% said when the person saying it wants the help not when they help themselves, how are you contributing to the village?

The friends I have who are grandmothers, there is no grandfather sround, find a long day of childcare pretty tiring.

The ones that have a grandad around too find it much easier but still tiring.

I am not a grandparent yet but DH and I would very much like to help one day a week plus evening babysitting and of course emergencies.

I agree with you. It is sad. Obviously there is no expectation but it is a shame that so many grandparents don't want to help look after their grandchildren.

My parents are very involved with my DC and help out all the time even though I don't actually NEED them too as don't work and my DH works from home. They want to. Same with my nieces and nephews.

My in laws are the same. We are just one family. It works both ways as we help them out too and will be there for them when they get older.

I will be doing the same for my DC if they want me to.

My mother always told us she had waited long enough to get time to herself she wasn't raising our children. And I admire her so much for it.

I have two children both enjoy visiting her independently and share interests etc. She did take them a couple of times a year for sleep overs.

I intend to do the same, once they are post nappy and broken sleep stage I will offer s couple of weekends. I do help my mother out and respect that she has a right to her quality time. When exactly are women ever not responsible for care?

I agree with this.

Its why having children in your late 30s or early 40s has consequences far beyond just feeling a bit more tired for the first few years. It’s changed the fabric of our society - fewer siblings, more only children, less involved grandparents (which will also be the case when the children born to older parents have their own kids), therefore fewer or no aunts/uncles/cousins. The children then go on to be the squeezed generation that have young children but also elderly parents to look out and care for.

I know it’s necessary financially in many cases, but overall not a great idea for society and means many grandparents are simply too old to give any help.

There’s a massive difference between ‘helping out’ and having young children from 7:30am - 6pm multiple days a week to cover childcare. Some of DM’s friends are exhausted but don’t feel they can say anything; they signed up for it years ago and it never changes. So then when another child has DC, they can’t help/are too burnt out.

Agree with this. There's a couple of grandparents on our school run who are very elderly and just looked knackered tbh.

It's all well and good when you're in your 30s with young dc saying you want to be an active grandparent. I said that too, and really meant it. I'm in my 40s now and caring full time for disabled ds and I am totally exhausted. I highly doubt I will have any energy to be looking after young children in 20 years time.
My own parents became grandparents in their late 40s when dsis20 had a very unplanned baby. Although they were both working FT, they were very hands on and instrumental in her upbringing. DB has only started his family in the last five years and there is a massive difference to how much time/patience/energy my parents have with his DC now they are approaching 70.

I think it's sort of a circular question - old age is the reason lots of GPs can't help out, and caring for young children is the reason so many children can't care for their parents in old age anymore. This is because we're having children later.

My parents do offer quite a bit of help with my DC, which is nice, but I don't expect it. As for me, I really wouldn't want my DDs to do any care for me when older as I would hate them to do turn down personal opportunities or responsibilities just for me

My parents said they'd take themselves off to dignitas rather than become a 'burden'. They don't do childcare at all - not even for their own enjoyment like I see other grandparents taking their grandkids out for Sunday lunch, or to the pantomime at Christmas.

Thing is, parents are now quite elderly and have had accidents and had to have major operations etc, and they do require their children to drive them around, do their shopping, do their gardening etc. Those who say they won't ask their children for help in their old age might think again to be honest.

Many of us are still working in our 60s I do a very physical 44 hour week with no hope of retirement I never realised how exhausting things would be I'm sure younger people don't understand.

I think I would be happy to do a bit of babysitting and overnights for DD or cover for illness etc. I wouldn’t want to be regular childcare, I would expect DD to sort that herself. I haven’t got anyone to pitch in and yeah it’s not easy. A combination of my age and how difficult I find being a mum means I’m sticking to one kid. I’m not sure that I will suddenly be really enthusiastic about long days with a toddler again. But I also don’t want my DD to be in the same position I am in.

I think also there are many people who built a great quality relationship with grandparents without being babysat by them. Going around for lunch or a day out etc even that takes the pressure off parents when there an extra pair of hands and eyes. I think for some grandparents parenting was a chore and they don’t want to be in charge of kids again or want to be able to go do things during term times when they can get cheaper tickets etc.

Regular long term childcare means you can slip into feeling like time with your grandkids is a job rather than a joy.

I had a major accident and had to think about care. That's how I know I won't ask my children to care for me. I have other alternatives in mind and considered.

Sometimes paid childcare just easier as if my mam was helping she doesnt drive so gets more stressful. I see my friend son one day care became 2. They retired. They pull back lately as could never plan to do things. I would help yes but not be tied to full days of care.

HEAR HEAR 👏🏻

Surely most grandparents will be at work themselves and not available to do childcare. Also, lots don’t live anywhere near to help out. My DC’s grandparents live nearly 300 miles away.

You seem to be arguing that grandparents need to look after grandchildren to earn any care in their later years. But if you think about it in terms of ‘earning’ care, surely they did that when they looked after you as a child? Why do they need to earn it again?

I don't see how I'm missing the point.

Life is easier with help, I agree, but why does that help need to be provided for free by your family?

My parents made my life easier by being good people who love me and raised me well - they don't then need to provide me with free childcare on top. Just as I don't need to provide them with free care in old age to prove I'm a good daughter.

If people want regular childcare they should pay for it, not dump the responsibility on their families and then bleat about how it "takes a village".

Well, the argument would be that children didn't ask to be born so parents should, by default, be raising their children anyway.

It’s not a blackmail question, just a genuine question. Do grandparents who whilst capable do not want to help with any level of childcare (so not even just odd emergency/occasional times) still expect their adult children to care for them when they need old age care?

i think you're making a lot of generalisations and not sure what they are based on. I read a lot of the threads on this topic on here and whilst sadly there are grandparents who don't take any interest whatsover, i think the majority do babysit, and help out occasionally with childcare (emergencies, school holidays etc). Most of the threads about grandparents not wanting to provide childcare is on a regular basis so parents can work. There are plenty of grandparents who happily do this, but there should never be an expectation.

I don't know a single person who would expect their children to look after them in old age, whether they have provided childcare or not.

I think your OP is really strange @ChickenRacer because you overuse the word upset, so are you really emotionally invested in the topic? I can't relate to it at all, we never had grandparental help because we didn't live in the same place so it wouldn't have been possible. Surely I can't be alone in this? It's not that much a of big deal. We visit them, they have a great relationship with the grandchildren, but life and choices mean that we tend to go for long periods, to visit, but regular childcare was never an option.

That said, on a purely theoretical level, I think it is really unreasonable to be sad about this, and you risk living a really unhappy life if you feel sad about this sort of thing. I think that children should help out their parents in old age, be it financially or in action, and that in no way should that be dependent on what they may or may not do for grandchildren. There are of course about a million caveats to that, but I think the idea that parents who haven't helped care for their grandchildren means that they shouldn't be helped themselves, is absolutely awful, and I am very sorry if you live in that sort of transactional world and have that sort of relationship with your parents.

One set of grandparents had us for one afternoon a week and they would have been in their 50s.

I don't want to be a free childminder for my dgc when/if they arrive.

I don't expect my parents who are in their 80s to look after our son. They have him for half an hour or so in the week so I can do some exercise.
ILS younger but fil works so mil looks after the other 2 grandchildren who are both in school ie picks them up looks after them when ill. Bil sends her his weekly planner.
Personally I think it's unfair of them to dump both kids on her, but bil and sil both work.

Bil and sil also expect fil to wake up at 4 to ferry them to airport when they go on holiday....get a taxi ffs. They are in their 30s and there's no doubt in my mind that when they get a house they will ask fil to give them money for their mortgage.

My parents don't do regular childcare for me. They spend time with my children and try to help out if I have a problem. They enjoy spending time with them on days out etc.
and yes I would want to help my parents in their old age to the extent that I am able, not as a quid pro quo for childcare, but because they're good people and I like them and I want them to be in the best situation. I imagine care will be spilt between me and my siblings according to what we're capable of at the time.

When I was little my mother told me she wouldn’t be looking after any children I had. That she had done her time, I can’t have been older than 12 but I told her I wouldn’t be looking after her when she got older either. That I might pay towards a care home if she’s lucky.

It was a funny conversation but it did manage expectations..