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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad about grandparents not helping childcare

409 replies

ChickenRacer · 07/05/2023 06:58

Ive heard so many stories about grandparents not wanting to help/be particularly involved with their grandchildren.I understand it’s not all grandparents, but their is a big proportion who just don’t help and support their children when they have small children.

Explanations for this often seem to be that the grandparents did their time parenting and now it’s their time to enjoy life. Which I do understand.

But to me though this seems so sad.

They say it takes a village to raise children - but grandparents are a huge part of many peoples village, so if they aren’t part of the village that’s less support for parents of young children.

This might upset some people, but I also wonder those grandparents that do not feel they want to help with the care of their grandchildren- do they still expect their adult children to care for them in their old age when they themselves need care? Will they pay their children to care for them, as some expect to be paid for caring for their grandchildren?

Please don’t be all upset by this, they are genuine questions.

I have 3 children and for various reasons have ZERO help from grandparents. But I very much hope if I am lucky enough to have grandchildren that I will be able to help my children with them in the best way for them. And I wouldn’t want them to have to care for me in my old age. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
spottybug · 07/05/2023 07:38

RegainingTheWill2023 · 07/05/2023 07:18

What you are actually promoting is that women who spend their younger years putting their lives and careers on hold to rase children, should then do the same a few years later to provide childcare for their grandchildren whilst also caring for their own aging parents ....
Retirement age is 67. How are women supposed to do all this?
And of course its down to women. All these caring commitments mean their earning potential would continue to lag way behind men so it's inevitable.
The answer is affordable childcare and adequate state funded care for the elderly.

Absolutely this. It's always mum or MIL won't look after my kid on here. Never mind dad or FIL..

Waveyhouse · 07/05/2023 07:38

We moved closer to my parents, not so they can look after dcs but so we can spend more time with them as a family. We live 10 mins away.

My parents are early 70s, they have dogs and are pretty active but they get tired more easily these days. My mum has offered to look after dcs once I go back to work, but I won’t take her up on it. I think it will be a lot for her even though I’ll be back part time.
A couple of hours in the eve maybe, when dh and I resume date nights, but I’d feel bad anymore then that.

The only time I’ve used them for childcare was when I went into labour with dc no 2 earlier in the year!

Original poster
ChickenRacer · 07/05/2023 07:38

YouveGotAFastCar · 07/05/2023 07:15

DS has one set of grandparents, they haven’t seen him since November. They were bizarrely intense about us having children and kept quizzing us on whether we’d talked about it and if we were trying, and when DH held a friends baby on our wedding day, they spent three weeks posting a photo of them everywhere saying they were expecting news 😵‍💫 and when DH asked them to stop, they said they were just excited.

When we told them I was pregnant, their first response was that they hoped we’d be good at discipline, and they wouldn’t be doing any nappies or childcare. Then they pretended it hadn’t happened. It was a surreal half an hour but at least we know where we stood! Hes nearly 18mo now and they haven’t seen him since October. They’re not interested. They see him as something that stole DH from them.

They do expect DH to look after them in old age, though. They’re vocal about their hatred of old peoples homes, especially when they put DH’s mum in one. They have been clear they won’t accept help from strangers or carers, and apparently have a “deal” with DH from when he was 20 that he won’t put them in a home.

I’d say most of my NCT group has one set of grandparents who don’t offer much care at all, and one set that do a day or two a week… There does seem to be a decent amount of us with nobody, though.

Yes, this is the kind of example in particular I had in mind 😞

OP posts:
BCBird · 07/05/2023 07:38

Grand parents do not have to help with child care. This is not sad. Grandparents not wanting to spend time with grand children which is not the same,is sad. There may however be valid reasons,there may be excuses

snitzelvoncrumb · 07/05/2023 07:38

Timesawastin · 07/05/2023 07:36

And if they live a hundred miles away?

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Obviously not then. I only meant the odd bit of babysitting, not regular care.

Timesawastin · 07/05/2023 07:40

ChickenRacer · 07/05/2023 07:33

I agree completely with what your saying.

But genuine question, would you expect your adult children to care for you in your old age if you needed it?

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'Genuine question' : so grandparents have to do two lots of bringing up children to 'deserve' care in your book?

RegainingTheWill2023 · 07/05/2023 07:40

But genuine question, would you expect your adult children to care for you in your old age if you needed it?
I don't know anyone who expects this. Most hope not to be abandoned but don't expect their dc to provide the actual care.
Just as its lovely when GPs are involved and help out their dc and dgc (as opposed to providing routine, regular childcare), it's lovely when dc support and help aging parents / grandparents (as opposed to providing routine regular care services)

febrezeme · 07/05/2023 07:41

My parents are in their mid to late 60s so both working full time when my eldest was born, now my mum has semi retired but I have toddler twins so it's not fair for me to expect routine childcare for them from her - she does help in school holidays and I feel incredibly grateful for that

I work very hard and manage every penny to be able to pay for full time childcare and so I do think grandparent childcare shouldn't be relied upon purely because you need it to bolster your finances - it should be something offered because the grandparent wants regular contact and to grow a relationship from a young age not because the parent had more children than they can afford the childcare for

Original poster
ChickenRacer · 07/05/2023 07:41

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 07/05/2023 07:19

This. It's incredibly entitled for people to think their parents owe them free childcare. If you want to have a child, factor in the cost of childcare, then if parents offer, it's a bonus. But they certainly don't have to help.

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I didn’t expect (and don’t get!) any help raising my children. But I did expect grandparents to actually want to show support and love. I’m so sad how little they want to be involved.

I still think they will expect me to care for them when they are older though. But I’ll be so burnt out by then!

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 07/05/2023 07:42

Grandparents can help raise children ie be part of the village withour providing regular childcare. Having a good relationship with the children showering them with love and an extra person to give them advice is important too.

It is nice if they are able.and willing to help with childcare but it is not the only way to be involved.

icanneverthinkofnc · 07/05/2023 07:44

A factor is also the number of single parent families. One set of grandparents is less likely to be involved due to the relationship breakdown, particularly if the parents had an acrimonious split.

dottiedodah · 07/05/2023 07:44

I think its strange when people say "I definitely wont be caring for elderly DM/DF" I mean unless you are NC or something ,then most of us would be unable to ignore a request for some help surely?

produ · 07/05/2023 07:44

I think it's unrealistic to expect day in/day out childcare but if gps are fit & free I think school pick ups/babysitting etc are a great way of fostering a relationship. It's very normal to have that help in my culture equally it's normal to help your parents out.

snitzelvoncrumb · 07/05/2023 07:44

ChickenRacer · 07/05/2023 07:41

I didn’t expect (and don’t get!) any help raising my children. But I did expect grandparents to actually want to show support and love. I’m so sad how little they want to be involved.

I still think they will expect me to care for them when they are older though. But I’ll be so burnt out by then!

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I’m sure they will. And I’m sure you will still help them occasionally. But they can’t expect their grandchildren to want to visit them if they have made no effort to have a relationship with them now.

WaltzingWaters · 07/05/2023 07:44

ChickenRacer · 07/05/2023 07:33

I agree completely with what your saying.

But genuine question, would you expect your adult children to care for you in your old age if you needed it?

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Not full time, no. Same as with childcare really. I’d hope they’d help out/visit, but wouldn’t expect them to be full time carers (just as I’d want to do for my parents and in-laws). For the same reasons as childcare. Being a full time carer would restrict longer-term travel and being able to enjoy retirement.

Inthebathagain · 07/05/2023 07:45

Sounds like me...

...XMIL not helping, or being around, or even trying to see her grandchildren, has helped me realise the grandparent I want to be if I'm ever in that position.

AssertiveGertrude · 07/05/2023 07:45

we had no assistance or offer of help from In laws who now need a lot of attention (driving to appointments and conversation that gets quite negative) but dh does that

I feel it’s his family

my parents helped a bit but it comes with a carch sometimes so I prefer to use paid care

produ · 07/05/2023 07:45

My kids are aware of this & also I 100% don’t want them caring for me.

That's quite simplistic though, it's not about care only. We help with DIY, shopping, admin & advocating eg if one is in hospital etc.

Quinoawoman · 07/05/2023 07:47

Our parents live really far away from us and due to poor health, they are unable to travel to us at all. We visit them. They love the grandchildren dearly and would love to be involved more. I really wish things were different as it does feel very isolating sometimes having no 'village' to speak of. I really don't understand grandparents who live nearby and are in good health refusing to babysit occasionally or pick the kids up from school once a week. I find it really sad.

User2538309 · 07/05/2023 07:48

Oh @ChickenRacer, this a the thing where MN is really militantly opposed to GP childcare, you are entitled for even posting about it, but in real life it’s much more common.

I agree with the posters that are saying health, personal preferences, and other commitments may mean regular childcare isn’t an option for all, but most grandparents I know jump at the chance to spend time with their grandchildren. My own mum says that having grandchildren is a chance to do all the things you didn’t get a chance to when you were young.

But then, I think people have very different attitudes to these things. In my family we help each other out. My parents know they can call any time of day or night and we will get in a car if they need us. They do loads for us and spend hours playing with the GC. My MIL comes less often but loves to help, and we are always helping her with jobs and sorting things too. They won’t be around forever, but we all support one another through the tough times and have a lot of silly toddler fun in between.

MoreCloudsThanYouCanImagine · 07/05/2023 07:48

My mum helped me a lot when my children were small. But it wasn't childcare around work hours. It was more evening babysitting if we went out, having them for a couple of hours if I had an appointment when they weren't at school, the occasional day or overnight - that sort of thing.
I worked part time around DH's hours. Evenings and weekends, mainly.
With three children we couldn't afford the childcare for me to work full time. Mum was also looking after her own mother for some of that time.
I don't have grandchildren yet (am nearly 60) but I am doing quite a lot for my mother ( father no longer with us) I'm also still working part time.
If I do have grandchildren I would love to do as my mother did for me, but DH and are aren't likely to be available for the childcare involved.
My friends and I also helped each other out with childcare, but that was much more doable when most of us were working part time or not at all.
I'm hoping my children will 'keep an eye on me' in my dotage, but I hope they don't have to do any heavy duty caring.

produ · 07/05/2023 07:48

One of my mums neighbours constantly moans that she has been left to fend for herself & has no help & how lucky my mum is. Her son moved to Scotland to be close to his wife's family. My mum's neighbour has never had the gc for even an hour (I know the son).

FairAcre · 07/05/2023 07:50

I lived abroad when my children were little. No grandparents to help apart from the odd visit. We went out most weekends by paying for a babysitter! This is an option for people complaining they only get one or two nights out a year.

Original poster
ChickenRacer · 07/05/2023 07:50

RegainingTheWill2023 · 07/05/2023 07:31

You are not asking for grandparents to 'interact' with their grandchildren you are asking for childcare.
Fathers are just as capable of taking leave to look after sick children as mothers but that's not what happens in the vast majority of cases. Largely because of the pay gap between men and women.
I'm talking realities.
Most families have more than 1 child. How do parents choose which of their adult offspring to provide childcare for?

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My childrens grandparents haven’t even baby sat once. They never even help out once a year at a birthday party or making a Christmas meal. ZERO

OP posts:
Conkersinautumn · 07/05/2023 07:50

My parents generation (I'm born 75) indulged and revelled in the money grabbing 80s. They aren't the generation of the war and don't have that in it together thing. They're out for themselves 100%