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AIBU?

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Original poster

My parents are really pissed with DH- what would you do ?

237 replies

babysofmummys · 05/05/2023 20:36

Parents came to visit a couple of months ago for a few days and it's transpired that they found my DH very rude.

Apparently they felt he was ordering them about to help and clean / make food while they were here.

They stayed for a week, during which we had my DD's birthday party. My parents are people who like to make themselves useful when they visit. If they see something needs doing, they just get on with it. My mum is an obsessively clean person and cannot stand mess and insists on tidying up/ gets frustrated if things are left out and takes over the cooking when she visits.

Apparently during this visit they felt like my DH ordered them around, on top of the stuff they were doing to help. He told my mum to make a salad or something and told my dad to carry some stuff outside..

He then didn't offer to make them drinks, while he was making drinks for other people. He also kept saying ' someone needs to clean up XXX or whatever is was and my mum felt he was implying she should do it. I have noticed him doing this before to her. He'll just keep repeating to her and to me that XXX needs cleaning or sorting or whatever, but he won't do it himself because he's ' never home ' and ' doesn't have time... it's quite annoying and rude

My parents felt disrespected and now I'm unsure whether to tell DH. I think he needs to know on some level, so he doesn't do it again.

OP posts:
Clymene · 05/05/2023 20:40

Why wouldn't you tell him? Are you frightened of him?

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/05/2023 20:42

He sounds bloody rude. I doubt he respects them enough to listen to you.

phoenixrosehere · 05/05/2023 20:42

You should definitely tell him. If he’s just telling them to do things instead of asking then yes, he was definitely rude even more so if he is making excuses for not doing any cleaning.

Is this how he treats his own family? Is that the dynamic his own parents had?

Is it possible he sees them as family but they see themselves as guests?

LimeCheesecake · 05/05/2023 20:43

Does he do this to other people? You said he kept repeating “x needs doing” to you and your mum, does he do this to you when you are here without her, or is it just when they visit?

comedycentral · 05/05/2023 20:43

What's he like when his parents visit? What's the dynamic he's experienced growing up? You need to speak with him really.

Eggseggseverywhere · 05/05/2023 20:44

Does he treat you like staff also op?

Sundaefraise · 05/05/2023 20:48

From your title, I thought your parents would be the problem, but actually he sounds like a bit of a dickhead. How dare he treat your mum like a maid. Absolutely call him out.

DucksNewburyport · 05/05/2023 20:50

Yes, I would definitely mention this to him, it's important that he knows.

girlfriend44 · 05/05/2023 20:51

If I were your parents I wouldn't have said anything to.you.

I wouldn't put you in the position.

The rot will start to set in. What if he has complaints about them.

People need to be careful
Moaning and batching about others is a good way to split the family.

ClementWeatherToday · 05/05/2023 20:53

I'm a bit confused. Neither of my parents would take offence if my husband asked them to help while visiting by making a salad.or carrying things outside. In fact, last time they were here we did ask them to make a salad to go with supper (we were putting the children to bed).

They stayed for a week, during which we had my DD's birthday party. My parents are people who like to make themselves useful when they visit. If they see something needs doing, they just get on with it. My mum is an obsessively clean person and cannot stand mess and insists on tidying up/ gets frustrated if things are left out and takes over the cooking when she visits.

So they want to help - but only to do tasks of their own choosing which they can SEE need doing, no one must ask them to do something they're not aware needs doing? They sound a bit interfering, is he trying to redirect their "help" to things that are actually helpful? If she takes over the cooking of her own volition why can't he ask her to make a salad?

phoenixrosehere · 05/05/2023 20:54

girlfriend44 · 05/05/2023 20:51

If I were your parents I wouldn't have said anything to.you.

I wouldn't put you in the position.

The rot will start to set in. What if he has complaints about them.

People need to be careful
Moaning and batching about others is a good way to split the family.

*The rot will start to set in. What if he has complaints about them.

People need to be careful
Moaning and batching about others is a good way to split the family.*

Who says it would resort to that? People can talk civilly about such things if worded well. With the way he was rude, it’s not surprising they felt they had to say something privately to OP.

Irritateandunreasonable · 05/05/2023 20:54

Do you see there POV or do you think they were being unreasonable.

You should call him out on it.

Original poster
babysofmummys · 05/05/2023 20:55

With his own family it's a bit different because they don't stay with us, as they live near by. So they're a bit more like guests when they come over.

They also muck in though, when it comes to cooking and clearing up. They also always bring us things and try to be helpful and I don't think they even think about it.

My parents are also really helpful, but they kind of keep score a little bit of what they do for us / people in general. I'm not sure DH is used to that. He sees it all as a complete given, like it is in his family.

I think he was out of line and I completely understand how my parents feel. I also find him rude and unappreciative of what I do for our family.

I wonder what he'll say if I tell him. I think I should, but they asked me not to tell him.

OP posts:
Choconut · 05/05/2023 20:58

Why don't you tell him that you think he's rude and you thought he was rude to you parents especially your mum. You don't have to drag your parents into it then as that might just cause more issues.

Clymene · 05/05/2023 21:01

Why can't you talk to him about this?

He'll just keep repeating to her and to me that XXX needs cleaning or sorting or whatever, but he won't do it himself because he's ' never home ' and ' doesn't have time... it's quite annoying and rude

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 05/05/2023 21:01

I agree with Choconut. Tell your DH that it's something you noticed while your DPs were visiting, and you found it quite rude as they were already doing a lot to help out. I wouldn't mention that your parents said anything.

Original poster
babysofmummys · 05/05/2023 21:03

ClementWeatherToday · 05/05/2023 20:53

I'm a bit confused. Neither of my parents would take offence if my husband asked them to help while visiting by making a salad.or carrying things outside. In fact, last time they were here we did ask them to make a salad to go with supper (we were putting the children to bed).

They stayed for a week, during which we had my DD's birthday party. My parents are people who like to make themselves useful when they visit. If they see something needs doing, they just get on with it. My mum is an obsessively clean person and cannot stand mess and insists on tidying up/ gets frustrated if things are left out and takes over the cooking when she visits.

So they want to help - but only to do tasks of their own choosing which they can SEE need doing, no one must ask them to do something they're not aware needs doing? They sound a bit interfering, is he trying to redirect their "help" to things that are actually helpful? If she takes over the cooking of her own volition why can't he ask her to make a salad?

Yeah they don't want to be told what to do at all. They just want to do what they want to help with.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 05/05/2023 21:03

Choconut · 05/05/2023 20:58

Why don't you tell him that you think he's rude and you thought he was rude to you parents especially your mum. You don't have to drag your parents into it then as that might just cause more issues.

This, definitely.

No need to throw them under the bus.

You sound a bit intimidated by him or something, I can't quite put my finger on it, I just can't imagine not being able to say to a nice normal partner 'you were being bossy the other day and it came across rudely, can you be mindful of it?'

Applequash · 05/05/2023 21:06

babysofmummys · 05/05/2023 21:03

Yeah they don't want to be told what to do at all. They just want to do what they want to help with.

Show quote history

So they’re not all that helpful at all then

Id be pissed off if my in laws stayed for an extended period of time and only did things they wanted instead of what would actually help the family

Original poster
babysofmummys · 05/05/2023 21:06

@monsteramunch he'll just say that we are all weird and my family is weird and that he's done nothing wrong. He'll use it as something to slag me and them off about i think. I'll try and say it and report back..

I just don't know how to open it.. as it's been a little while since they visited. I wasn't aware they were as upset as they are.

OP posts:
Gentlemenplease · 05/05/2023 21:07

The more you type op the more I suspect its your parents that are the problem

Original poster
babysofmummys · 05/05/2023 21:07

@Applequash the things they do are useful though.

OP posts:
Applequash · 05/05/2023 21:09

babysofmummys · 05/05/2023 21:07

@Applequash the things they do are useful though.

I agree with @Gentlemenplease that the more you post the more I’m sure the issue here is your parents not your DH

ejbaxa · 05/05/2023 21:09

They sound a bit difficult if they want to choose to do something random that they consider helpful, rather than what the person who actually lives there needs doing. I would never do random stuff in someone else’s house. I might say do you want me to do X and if they replied please could you do Y instead, then I’d do Y without a problem.

GoodChat · 05/05/2023 21:11

You need to tell him or you'll just stay stuck in the middle and the resentment will set in.