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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My parents are really pissed with DH- what would you do ?

237 replies

babysofmummys · 05/05/2023 20:36

Parents came to visit a couple of months ago for a few days and it's transpired that they found my DH very rude.

Apparently they felt he was ordering them about to help and clean / make food while they were here.

They stayed for a week, during which we had my DD's birthday party. My parents are people who like to make themselves useful when they visit. If they see something needs doing, they just get on with it. My mum is an obsessively clean person and cannot stand mess and insists on tidying up/ gets frustrated if things are left out and takes over the cooking when she visits.

Apparently during this visit they felt like my DH ordered them around, on top of the stuff they were doing to help. He told my mum to make a salad or something and told my dad to carry some stuff outside..

He then didn't offer to make them drinks, while he was making drinks for other people. He also kept saying ' someone needs to clean up XXX or whatever is was and my mum felt he was implying she should do it. I have noticed him doing this before to her. He'll just keep repeating to her and to me that XXX needs cleaning or sorting or whatever, but he won't do it himself because he's ' never home ' and ' doesn't have time... it's quite annoying and rude

My parents felt disrespected and now I'm unsure whether to tell DH. I think he needs to know on some level, so he doesn't do it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
babysofmummys · 05/05/2023 21:41

SemperIdem · 05/05/2023 21:40

Your parents, your dad especially, sound like really hard work.

It is not actually helpful to tit around potting plants, unless you’ve been specifically asked.

The only thing I would speak to your husband about is his irritating habit of saying “someone needs to do…” and just directly ask x person to do it so he can continue whatever it is he is doing instead.

My mum would definitely be annoyed if he asked her straight up to clean something 🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
Ilovetea42 · 05/05/2023 21:43

I think there's two issues at play here. One it sounds to me like your dh is struggling with your parents helping with random tasks and would prefer they helped meet an overall goal he has? Eg prepping for a party. I don't think that's entirely unreasonable that he'd redirect them on to things that need doing more urgently if they want to help. The fact you feel he's disrespectful in how he communicates this is the issue.

Id also suggest that you need to speak to your dh about your marital issues and not your parents. If I knew my dh was complaining about me to his folks I'd feel really awkward next time I saw them and probably vice versa. You're the one souring that relationship because you know your parents will naturally have your back and be protective of you. So address your issues directly with your dh or do it through mediation. If you are slagging him off to others, you're basically giving them a green light to go ahead and do the same.

I'd leave them out of it completely and say you noticed xyz and you would prefer if he did such and such instead or asked in a different way.

melj1213 · 05/05/2023 21:46

YABU - your parents are the problem not your DH. He's probably tired of his ILs staying in his house and then acting like it's unreasonable for the host to decide what "help" they want guests to give them.

If they're doing stuff that isn't a priority (and that you didn't ask them to do) and then using that as justification for not doing the things they have been asked to do then they're not helping, they're interfering and it's rude.

If your parents are staying with you then I think they're a different type of guest than those coming for a party. I will prioritize "party guests" over "house guests" when offering drinks etc as the default is to assume house guests are at home enough to get their own whereas party guests may not be comfortable helping themselves or may not know where things are so it's easier for the host to do it.

When my parents host parties my siblings and I are never offered drinks except when we first walk in and that's usually because mum is doing last minute prep in the kitchen and so she doesn't want us all trooping through and getting in the way, so my dad (or the first of us siblings to arrive) is on drinks duty, after that we just go and help ourselves whereas other guests get regular offers of "Can I get you another drink, Sarah? Do you want a top up, John?" that we never do, but Sarah and John never lived in the house so they are neither comfortable just helping themselves nor do they necessarily know where everything is.

Skybluepinky · 05/05/2023 21:48

In-laws staying for a week, he probably had had enough of them, not many would cope with a visit for that long.

Original poster
babysofmummys · 05/05/2023 21:50

Ilovetea42 · 05/05/2023 21:43

I think there's two issues at play here. One it sounds to me like your dh is struggling with your parents helping with random tasks and would prefer they helped meet an overall goal he has? Eg prepping for a party. I don't think that's entirely unreasonable that he'd redirect them on to things that need doing more urgently if they want to help. The fact you feel he's disrespectful in how he communicates this is the issue.

Id also suggest that you need to speak to your dh about your marital issues and not your parents. If I knew my dh was complaining about me to his folks I'd feel really awkward next time I saw them and probably vice versa. You're the one souring that relationship because you know your parents will naturally have your back and be protective of you. So address your issues directly with your dh or do it through mediation. If you are slagging him off to others, you're basically giving them a green light to go ahead and do the same.

I'd leave them out of it completely and say you noticed xyz and you would prefer if he did such and such instead or asked in a different way.

I totally understand what you're saying about not talking to my mum about my marital problems, but I don't know who else to talk to about it. A therapist perhaps then.

OP posts:
Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 05/05/2023 21:52

I think your parents sound kinda awful.
They hate being asked to help?
Your Dad treating you like you're lazy when pregnant probably has damaged your self esteem as well. What was your childhood like? No one asked any one to do anything? What about your parents marriage?

mischlerischler · 05/05/2023 21:53

After your updates, I think your parents are at fault here.

It doesn't sound like they are helpful at all (especially your dad).

Mirabai · 05/05/2023 21:57

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 05/05/2023 21:52

I think your parents sound kinda awful.
They hate being asked to help?
Your Dad treating you like you're lazy when pregnant probably has damaged your self esteem as well. What was your childhood like? No one asked any one to do anything? What about your parents marriage?

OP says in her first post that her parents to make themselves useful when they visit. If they see something needs doing, they just get on with it. Her mum insists on tidying up.

It’s just that they don’t like being ordered around by DH.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/05/2023 21:59

Hi OP. I'd sleep on it tonight. Don't do anything right away.

It sounds like there is a lot to unpick here. Whatever you do, don't tell your husband what your parents said, it will make it really difficult for you if their relationship deteriorates, and it sounds like it wouldn't take much for this to happen.

I don't think I'd do anything based on this one example. It was a party, which don't happen every day, and are stressful situations. Even though I like hosting and have parties at home, the last minute prep can be quite intense.

Its genuinely hard from your example for people to tell who is in the wrong. If your husband was rushing around doing jobs and your dad was ignoring hints about what needed doing and faffing about with plants (which might be an important job but it's unlikely he needed to do it at that exact moment) then your dad was in the wrong to take offence at being asked to do something useful, if he was asked nicely. If he was trying to help and your husband was sitting around dropping heavy hints and not doing anything but getting annoyed at everyone else and asking in a rude tone, then your husband was in the wrong.

It sounds like there are wider issues in your relationship. I'd recommend some counselling to try and get clarity in your own head about what you're happy about and not. And then maybe some relationship counselling if there are things you are not happy with

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 05/05/2023 22:02

Sounds like you and your kids could do with getting away from all of them. Your H sounds deeply unpleasant and your P’s sound really hard work.

Original poster
babysofmummys · 05/05/2023 22:03

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 05/05/2023 22:02

Sounds like you and your kids could do with getting away from all of them. Your H sounds deeply unpleasant and your P’s sound really hard work.

Haha probably true ! It's not a straight forward situation.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 05/05/2023 22:06

Bottom line - when people are guests on your house, particularly the older generation there should be no expectation of help. Most people like to help out nonetheless, just as your parents like to help, and that’s great. But ordering them around and expecting graft is not ok.

Vivi0 · 05/05/2023 22:07

Maybe I’m missing something - I can’t see what it is your DH has done wrong.

Surely, if you offer help to someone, you take directions from them. Your DH was trying to direct your parents with what he needed help with, but they just wanted to crack on with unrelated tasks. Therefore, your parents weren’t helping at all. And they appear to be rather resentful about being asked. I don’t understand how you perceive them as liking to be useful - they’re certainly not.

I also don’t understand what he did wrong with the drinks. He was making drinks for the guest who were arriving. I imagine that if your parents were guests who were arriving, he would have made them a drink too. But they weren’t, they were a different kind of guest. Guests who he had hosted for a week. Perhaps they could have just made themselves a drink when they could clearly see your DH was busy.

Do your parents have form for taking offence and causing drama?

Firstmonthfree · 05/05/2023 22:08

If he does it to you as well though why do you tolerate it?

Saz12 · 05/05/2023 22:09

Next time, could you give your parents more general tasks that theyd perhaps enjoy? Something like "Our garden is a right mess. Any chance youd help me sort it?" (So can choose to feed or weed or mow or sort the edges or do nothing). As opposed to "Can you mow the grass?" which is a bit more demanding and a good deal less empowering.

SemperIdem · 05/05/2023 22:11

Mirabai · 05/05/2023 22:06

Bottom line - when people are guests on your house, particularly the older generation there should be no expectation of help. Most people like to help out nonetheless, just as your parents like to help, and that’s great. But ordering them around and expecting graft is not ok.

You say older generation - her parents could be in their mid/late 50’s! There aren’t many of that age who would consider themselves “older” in that way.

Snoopyandthemuppets · 05/05/2023 22:11

ChubbyMorticia · 05/05/2023 21:27

If my husband wandered around saying, “SOMEBODY needs to…” while not lifting a finger, I’d snap on him. Hard. You see something that needs to be done, get on with it. You live here too

This - although I’d probably say - brilliant idea put it on your to do list and if he said ‘I don’t normally do that’ or whatever - I’d say well today is a good day to start.

Same with drinks - that I would bring up - ie great when you do the drinks but can you remember to do me and family too and yourself as it’s our party too.

If you parents are staying for a week have a quiet word about helping out and ask your mum to talk to your dad in advance what do they feel comfortable doing versus what might help!

OhmygodDont · 05/05/2023 22:12

So your parents stay in your home for a week but expect to be treated like proper guests. Your dad and mother like to help when they want to help but begrudge being asked to actually help. They keep score. You moan about your husband to your mother. Ages after a trip your mother decides to ring you to moan about your husband.

I don’t think his the issue. At worst it’s a clash of two different expectations due to how people were raised. His family are much more actually helpful. Your parents like to feel that they are helping when likely more getting in the way and rather than helping begrudgingly will out and out tell him no to do it himself about helping set up for their own grandchild’s birthday.

Honestly if I was your dh I wouldn’t want them staying again. Just pop in visits. They could get a hotel.

Parisj · 05/05/2023 22:12

This isn't the problem, and it isn't your problem to solve. You do need to get to a place where you can communicate better with dh without wondering how he will react. And tell your mum you are not going to not tell dh things, if she wants to tell you, then she accepts that you might talk to dh about it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/05/2023 22:14

Your dh and your parents sound difficult and it appears you’re stuck in the middle trying to people please. I would suggest stepping away from that role. It isn’t your job to make your parents like your husband and vis versa.

NoPlansToday · 05/05/2023 22:14

I find it odd that you would even post here. I would be straight talking to my husband if this arose. We discuss everything as it happens. It’s a bit worrying you can’t do this.

magma32 · 05/05/2023 22:14

On the surface your parents might be a bit annoying but your Dh sounds controlling and you have to walk on egg shells around him. In my culture parents are generally allowed to treat your house as their own in the sense they get on with useful jobs without being told, complain about the mess etc. But nobody would dare tell them what to do. There’s a fine line you see. Honestly there is something ‘off’ about your Dh.

Original poster
babysofmummys · 05/05/2023 22:15

Vivi0 · 05/05/2023 22:07

Maybe I’m missing something - I can’t see what it is your DH has done wrong.

Surely, if you offer help to someone, you take directions from them. Your DH was trying to direct your parents with what he needed help with, but they just wanted to crack on with unrelated tasks. Therefore, your parents weren’t helping at all. And they appear to be rather resentful about being asked. I don’t understand how you perceive them as liking to be useful - they’re certainly not.

I also don’t understand what he did wrong with the drinks. He was making drinks for the guest who were arriving. I imagine that if your parents were guests who were arriving, he would have made them a drink too. But they weren’t, they were a different kind of guest. Guests who he had hosted for a week. Perhaps they could have just made themselves a drink when they could clearly see your DH was busy.

Do your parents have form for taking offence and causing drama?

They were absolutely being helpful. Everyone was doing different tasks to prepare food for the party and tidy up the garden. This idea that they weren't helpful is completely wrong. They single handedly prepared all the food with him and tidied up the garden.

I did as much as I could whilst also looking after the children. He then just asked my dad to carry something in addition to what he was doing. The idea that they were running around like headless chickens being useless is completely not true. Sorry if I made it seem that way, but it didn't happen this way at all. We all decided what we were going to do with the food and garden and they got stuck in. Later on, he then asked my mum to also prepare a salad, which she didn't like. The decisions about the food prior to the salad was all a joint decision and then he unilaterally decided we needed a salad and that she should make it. This was later on when other guests arrived.

I just wanted to clear that up.

OP posts:
Vivi0 · 05/05/2023 22:16

Honestly if I was your dh I wouldn’t want them staying again. Just pop in visits. They could get a hotel.

I agree.

If my in laws contacted my DH to complain about me in these circumstances, I wouldn’t have them staying over again either.

GuinnessBird · 05/05/2023 22:17

Your parents sound fucking awful.

I'm not sure that your DH is in the wrong that much but your dad in particular is not coming across as being very nice.

Are you sure that they're not trying to drive a wedge between you and your DH?