My parents are really pissed with DH- what would you do ?

[babysofmummys]

Parents came to visit a couple of months ago for a few days and it's transpired that they found my DH very rude.

Apparently they felt he was ordering them about to help and clean / make food while they were here.

They stayed for a week, during which we had my DD's birthday party. My parents are people who like to make themselves useful when they visit. If they see something needs doing, they just get on with it. My mum is an obsessively clean person and cannot stand mess and insists on tidying up/ gets frustrated if things are left out and takes over the cooking when she visits.

Apparently during this visit they felt like my DH ordered them around, on top of the stuff they were doing to help. He told my mum to make a salad or something and told my dad to carry some stuff outside..

He then didn't offer to make them drinks, while he was making drinks for other people. He also kept saying ' someone needs to clean up XXX or whatever is was and my mum felt he was implying she should do it. I have noticed him doing this before to her. He'll just keep repeating to her and to me that XXX needs cleaning or sorting or whatever, but he won't do it himself because he's ' never home ' and ' doesn't have time... it's quite annoying and rude

My parents felt disrespected and now I'm unsure whether to tell DH. I think he needs to know on some level, so he doesn't do it again.

Your DH sounds insufferable, just awful. I agree that it's interesting that his parents are treated as guests as they live nearer when it surely should be the other way round. So basically what happened is that his parents arrived, your DH stopped doing anything and sat with them then started ordering your mum to make more food and salad for them? Like your mum is his little slave he can order round to wait on him and his parents. Fuck that. No wonder your mum was pissed off. You say that you had witnessed him speaking disrespectfully to your mum earlier in the day. I would have absolutely stamped that out there and then. Why didnt you say something? It sounds like you are a bit scared of him.

Just as an aside, when I'm hosting a party the prep is mine and DH problem. There's no way in a million years I'd be getting my mum and dad to prepare all the food and clear the garden. That is something you and DH should have organised between you. Yes my mum does offer to help but it is not expected and any little thing she does we're grateful for. Sounds like they had done so much already and he was still ordering them around and didn't even have the decency to make them a drink yet when his parents arrived they were treated like respected guests. Out of interest did his parents do anything at all to help prep for this party? Your parents are upset at the way they were treated with good reason. Sounds like he thinks you and you parents are little peasants. So disrespectful.

His parents came as guests, later on after everyone had left. They came from work.

Regarding my parents doing everything, you're right, they shouldn't have. It just always turns out that way that I'm ordered to stay with the kids and no one wants to do that job. Someone needs to watch them and we did need all hands on deck. There's just no way they would just sit back in that kind of situation. But next time ( if there is a next time ) I will tell them to stay out of the way. I would have loved it if they could have been with the kids during that time, it would have been a huge help. But they prefer doing chores and cooking every time and they do take over that part. I'll need to be more assertive in future.

I imagine there s probably something in this. I also think that even if you are completely accepting of the way he treats you you should have stood up to him treating your poor mum like shit. No-one would be ordering my mum around like that. I think it's even more disrespectful that she was ordered to make more salad for your DH parents whilst they sat and enjoyed the party. It's like your DH was showing her exactly what her place was and who was important. He should have ensured his family were fed himself, lazy bastard

If my DH asked my mum to clean something in our house, then unless we were all cleaning and she’d specifically asked to join in and be given something to do, I would be furious

I think it's safe to say ALL parties are a bit off. No sense not including yourself in that description.

Honestly, with all the drip feeding you've done and the many 180 degree turns, I truly wonder about this whole thing.

My parents just do what they want....they prepared all the food.
His parents step in and help...they showed up after the party and sat on their collective azzes while your NSDH ordered your Mom to make a salad to go along with the other food she was preparing for them.
My Dad was in the garden potting plants, which was nice (but you made it sound like it was an imposition)..."Everyone was doing different tasks to prepare food for the party and tidy up the garden. This idea that they weren't helpful is completely wrong. They single handedly prepared all the food with him and tidied up the garden." With him or FOR him?

I would like to know, what exactly did you and your NSDH do to help with this party? Why didn't HIS parents come over and take their grandkids out so you could do all of those things you so wanted to do for the party? Were they even asked? How did they help with the party?

I hope and pray that IF your parents come your way again, that they stay at an Inn, B&B or something and they can just be the guests at the next party, like his family got to be. They deserve that and much, much more.

@babysofmummys . Is your view about encouraging your husband to talk through your issues to his mother, a commonly held view now? I have never come across it on MN before. Most of the women I know would hate their husbands to talk about them to their in laws,

@Nanaof1 I didn't drip feed on purpose at all.

His parents were working that day, so they could not help at all. When they can help, they're very helpful. That's a fact. I would still never tell them what to do though, neither would I tell my parents. It's more of a joint effort. I didn't mean to make it sound like an imposition about the plants. It was something that needed doing and was very welcome by all of us. They prepared the food and tidied the garden with him. Everyone pitched in. Although perhaps DH was prepping more drinks stuff. But it was a joint effort. My parents did a lot and did not faff about doing useless stuff.

Any 180 degree turns I've made in my opinions of the whole thing are just my honest feelings about it. It's not straight forward, which is why I posted. To get a clearer idea.

To summarise, I think my parents shouldn't help if they keep score and resent us afterwards and DH should never order them around. I will be more assertive at refusing help from them in the future, because they have held it against us many times. But DH is also not to order my mum around like a servant. Basically when my parents come to visit again, I will run my house and cooking myself and will not take no for an answer. DH will need to step in more himself and we need to treat them like guests and tell them to stop doing stuff, until they get it. If they want to play with their grandkids they can do that. Otherwise, they need to step out of it, as it doesn't work.

@Innocentsongs well it's my view. You don't really know the details of our issues, I think his mums take on certain things could be helpful occasionally.

Why didn't HIS parents come over and take their grandkids out so you could do all of those things you so wanted to do for the party? Were they even asked? How did they help with the party?

If you bothered to read the OP’s post, you’ll find that his parents were at work all day and arrived straight to the party from work.

My parents just do what they want....they prepared all the food.
His parents step in and help...they showed up after the party and sat on their collective azzes while your NSDH ordered your Mom to make a salad to go along with the other food she was preparing for them.

If you bothered to read the OP’s posts, you’ll find that her parents will take it upon themselves to cook and clean, no one asks them to do it, and they then moan and complain about it.

Also, her DH sat down to catch up with his parents who he hadn’t seen - he had already spent an entire week with OP’s parents, hosting them in his home.

I hope and pray that IF your parents come your way again, that they stay at an Inn, B&B or something and they can just be the guests at the next party, like his family got to be. They deserve that and much, much more.

They would probably find it rude and disrespectful at being asked to stay at a hotel.

I would not have survived without the love and kindness my VDH showed, not only my Mom but my sister. I can think of no other man who would have done everything he did from '94-'06 and '15-'16. My Mom loved him back as a son, not a SIL. There was nothing he would not do for either of them and when we needed her, my Mom was always there for us. My parents weren't perfect, by any stretch, but learning to give some grace as I got older, was the best thing I did, as I finally figured out that they had given me grace many times also. I would give up everything I own in the world if I could have just one more day with them.

@Nanaof1 I feel exactly the same about my husband. There was a time when our formerly fit and healthy parents started to have health issues. I found it easier than I thought to be loving and kind and attentive to my increasingly sick in laws. Three of our parents ended up in care with dementia and we both needed each others support through a difficult and upsetting period of our lives.
Many posters think dealing with young children is hard. I found the truculent teens difficult alongside increasingly frail parents. They all needed so much of our time. Being a team is so comforting. I loved my husband when I married him. I love him so much more now

Well, I for one find it interesting that some posters think a crossed word between in laws or telling your mum about a problem with your husband, will mean everyone will hate each other forever.

I don't think that's the case in our family at all. We are family after all and things happen, things are said, but grudges don't last forever because of these things. I'm sorry that your families don't understand this basic concept of human relationships- that especially when people are close, things happen sometimes, but you forgive and move on. It doesn't need to taint your entire view of someone for the rest of you life. And mean you don't care about ageing, suffering parents and in laws etc.. I find that concept sad and would hope that I would be mature enough to understand this about my daughter's marriage one day.

She posted the information that his parents came from work at:
babysofmummys · Today 09:48
Mine came in at : Nanaof1 · Today 10:00

So SORRY that I was writing my post when she drip-fed that little tidbit out.

"If you bothered to read the OP’s post, you’ll find that his parents were at work all day and arrived straight to the party from work."

That doesn't change the fact that they sat around why her mom, who has ALSO worked all day, was "told" to fix his parents food and then make a salad. He can go see his parents any time he wants since they are close by. It was HIS job to go and make them food and be a host to them. His MIL was treated like the unpaid and underappreciated help.

"If you bothered to read the OP’s posts, you’ll find that her parents will take it upon themselves to cook and clean, no one asks them to do it, and they then moan and complain about it."

They should not take the help that they offer and do back into the OPs face when they get angry. It does make me wonder what they are getting angry about.

As for the "no one asks them", just what was her NSDH doing when he ordered Mom to make a salad and told the Dad to go carry this and that?
Sounds like someone is speaking out of both sides of their mouth.

"Also, her DH sat down to catch up with his parents who he hadn’t seen - he had already spent an entire week with OP’s parents, hosting them in his home."

So, that means HE gets to sit on his azz and have his parents waited on hand and foot by the Mom? Are you for real? LOL!
He can see them whenever he wishes and was obviously too lazy to get up and take care of HIS family. I bet he made them drinks though. smdhays

Having husbands that have our back, through thick and thin, is something I never knew I needed, until I found my VDH doing exactly that. He never complained when my Mom needed help, whether at the house or getting her groceries (and losing the receipt, so he would tell my Mom, "When I find the receipt, I'll let you know".)
I lost my parents and my sister to cancer. From the day my Dad found out about his cancer to the day he became unable to communicate and then comatose was 24 hours. My Mom, I got about 2 weeks and my sister, about 4 weeks (though she was out of it for 2 weeks during that time). It wasn't enough time. Not even close.
I loved my VDH when I married him, and it hasn't always been an easy road, but I love him more now, 45 years later.

The parents are deffo the problem
Defend your partner. If not they will.keep on and on about him.
Believe people when they say its them that's the problem.

I don’t even know why I’m responding to you because this comment of yours tells me everything I need to know:

It does make me wonder how YOU were being when pregnant and asking for this, that and the other and then wondering why your Dad got upset.

No one “told” the OP’s mum to fix DH’s parents food. She took it upon herself to do it. He did ask her to make a salad whilst she was preparing the food. But that’s hardly a crime. She could have said “No, sorry, I’m a little busy, can you help?”

The OP has said that she is going to be more assertive at asking her parents to stop doing x, y and z in her house because (1) she is not asking them to do it and (2) they are using it against her in arguements.

I can see you feel very strongly about this but, just because your husband was obedient and docile to your mum and sister, doesn’t make it normal.

How strange that you confuse being loving, caring and compassionate with just being obedient and docile. Such a narcissistic/sociopathic thing to write about someone, but hey, you do you!
That tells me more than I ever needed/wanted to know about you.

You just seem to have a very strange idea of what parents of adult children should do. It's odd that you expect them to be working all the time. Either cleaning or meal propping OR looking after your kids. Which you don't want to do..

If my in laws (or anyone) is at our home, they're treated as guests. If they play with the kids great but they're not expected to and I would always offer them food and drinks as they do to us if they're hosting.

If my husband told anyone in my family to clean or make a salad instead of doing it himself, I'd tell him to get fucked.

Honestly, at this point I just want them to stay out of it. It's just better that way. Then they can't throw it back in my face. I don't 'expect' then to do anything.

It's only natural though if both my parents are at my home and my DH is not there ( as is mostly the case ), then they automatically could play with their grand kids while I prepare dinner or clean up. That's just natural behaviour and not some sort of expectation. Would you just be expecting your parents to sit on their bums, while both kids wanted your attention and for them to just ignore the grandkids completely ? That's just weird to me. If I'm doing one thing, they will automatically engage with their grand kids. Ignoring them, would be cruel.

@RedToothBrush you are assuming a lot of things.
OP does your DH also order you around?
I think all the PP saying your parents are awulf aren't right. I think you have a dH problema nd you know that too? He is basically ordering them round like slaves and not lifting a finger.

OP not quite sure why your parents told you they were upset with your DH but not to tell him. Puts you in a difficult position. I would tell him and just say 1) we shouldn't take their help for granted - they are guests too and should be treated as such (offered drinks, not asked to do things whilst hes relaxing etc); 2) think about his tone and not expect someone else to clean something up, do it himself. To them I'd similarly just be honest and say you're so grateful for their help but it would be amazing if you could also sometimes ask for specific support and they could do it without getting upset eg looking after kids whilst you cook.

Why can't you talk to your own husband?

You seem to be blaming your husband and your parents for a lot but when will you be ready to look at your own role in all of this and start standing up for yourself?

If you want to cook the meal, ask your mom to watch the kids.

If you have a problem with your husband, talk to HIM about it. What good does talking to your mother do?? As you've seen, that only makes things worse!

If you can't talk to him because he's an ass or abusive or you don't like him, then leave him.

Don't stay in an unhappy marriage and bitch about it to people and do nothing. Don't let people (your parents, or husband or anyone) walk all over you and say nothing to THEM directly about it.

Or yes, actually, you WILL end up bitter. There is nothing great about being a martyr or a purposeful victim. Sounds like you learned how to be like this from your mom. I truly hope you can seek therapy and change. A brighter future awaits you. I know because I used to be you.

Sorry, my above post was supposed to be a reply to this one. But I always accidentally hit Reply instead of Quote and then it doesn't let me edit.

Yes, exactly. If my husband has a problem with something I've done then he comes to me and bring it up and we discuss it. If I have a problem with something he's done, then it's the same but in reverse.

I would never complain about my husband to anyone else or talk about him behind his back and I would be really upset if he did that about me. We have been married ten years this month, very happily so, and it would NOT have lasted if he was going to his mom about our issues instead of me! What good does that do? It only makes things worse.

And then like OP I have "difficult" parents except I am not as nice about what I call people like that. I call a spade a spade so they're shit stirrers. They like drama and for the world to revolve around them and they don't like to see other people happy. They want to drag everyone down in misery like they are.

So, if I were to complain to my mom about my DH (back when I still talked to her... Or even my sister now, who I still talk to sometimes but not about anything like that because she is a lot like our mom in that way) then she would LOVE to hear my marriage wasn't going well and would try to take every opportunity to make it even worse.

(Not that she needed any extra opportunities. She already made backhanded compliments, divisive comments and tried to drive a wedge between any guy I'd ever dated and myself for my entire life.)

OP you should look into triangulation and direct communication. Don't talk to other people about things; go directly to the source. If the person is too unreasonable to talk to and work things out then you need to leave them.

I can't tell if your husband is awful or if you've tried to work things out with him or if you even like him or want to, because your post is so focused on your parents being mad and what THEY want.

You need to separate yourself from them and figure out what it is YOU want and do that. And don't talk to them about it because it sounds to me like they just want to drag you down despite acting like they're so nice and helpful.

If your husband just wants to drag you down too then talk to him and leave if it doesn't get better. You deserve better for yourself from your parents for sure. And if you feel you deserve better from your husband then you certainly do.

But all the power is in your hands. It all up to you. Do what is best for you and start living the life you truly want to live. Instead of talking to your mom, do you have any good friends? If not, try to make some. And also find a good therapist (not all of them are good). I have an amazing one who has helped me improve my life so much and I hope that you too can find the same. Best wishes.

Why would you ever have your parents stay at your house again? It's obviously a disaster for them, for your husband and for you! They make hotels for a reason.