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Original poster

My parents are really pissed with DH- what would you do ?

237 replies

babysofmummys · 05/05/2023 20:36

Parents came to visit a couple of months ago for a few days and it's transpired that they found my DH very rude.

Apparently they felt he was ordering them about to help and clean / make food while they were here.

They stayed for a week, during which we had my DD's birthday party. My parents are people who like to make themselves useful when they visit. If they see something needs doing, they just get on with it. My mum is an obsessively clean person and cannot stand mess and insists on tidying up/ gets frustrated if things are left out and takes over the cooking when she visits.

Apparently during this visit they felt like my DH ordered them around, on top of the stuff they were doing to help. He told my mum to make a salad or something and told my dad to carry some stuff outside..

He then didn't offer to make them drinks, while he was making drinks for other people. He also kept saying ' someone needs to clean up XXX or whatever is was and my mum felt he was implying she should do it. I have noticed him doing this before to her. He'll just keep repeating to her and to me that XXX needs cleaning or sorting or whatever, but he won't do it himself because he's ' never home ' and ' doesn't have time... it's quite annoying and rude

My parents felt disrespected and now I'm unsure whether to tell DH. I think he needs to know on some level, so he doesn't do it again.

OP posts:
FortofPud · 05/05/2023 22:39

I think this is an unfortunate clash between the slightly dysfunctional peculiarities of your family and the slightly dysfunctional peculiarities of DHs family. There are bits of wrong and right on both sides and you stuck in the middle. You've also accidentally made it worse with the complaining about DH as that has tainted your parents view of him so that every small issue is exaggerated.

WhiteBloatus · 05/05/2023 22:44

Mirabai · 05/05/2023 22:06

Bottom line - when people are guests on your house, particularly the older generation there should be no expectation of help. Most people like to help out nonetheless, just as your parents like to help, and that’s great. But ordering them around and expecting graft is not ok.

Agree, and OP is clear that they have been genuinely helpful. Not abnormal that parents would be miffed to get ordered about by husband (who is also disrespectful to their daughter)

Gymtastic · 05/05/2023 22:44

I’m really shocked at some of these answers, irs like folks have no idea how to handle guests. I can’t believe they’d take the husbands side.

op. Your mother is right, remember you are a person and important, he can’t bully you and boss you round. And irs unbelievably rude to do it to guests.

you need to tell him you’ve been mulling it over and feel he behaved poorly . Explain why, do not say your parents complained, he will isolate you more.

my question is when you saw him doing it, why didn’t you say something. I’d be furious if my husband did that to any guest, and I’d be heard and immediately, with , yeah it does need cleaned crack on and get it done.

he’s a dick. Trying to exert his dominance. Tell him and put a stop to this.

JudgeRudy · 05/05/2023 22:44

Your husband might have been a bit bossy but why did no-one address this as it occurred? Now no-one will remember for sure exactly what was done or said now.
If you've noticed he has a habit of giving out orders you need to challenge this.
I'm unsure how others operate but I'd find a week an awful long time, way passed guest status.

thecatsmeows · 05/05/2023 22:45

@FortofPud I'd agree with that. Her parents are now at 'bitch eating crackers' stage with her husband. I think involving her parents in her marital problems has caused this situation, nothing the husband does now will be right in their eyes.

I feel for you OP, you are in a lose/lose situation with both parties now. I think I would tell your husband what your parents have said, you might as well, if you are already having problems his reaction may help inform you what to do next.

If there is a next time your parents come to stay, it would be better if it is in a hotel. I've had two sets of inlaws, I liked the second set but no way on Earth would I have had them to stay for a week - it's far too long.

Gymtastic · 05/05/2023 22:45

Wexone · 05/05/2023 22:35

I dunno here now. did you see your partner being rude to your parents? ate they really helpful or just doing things they think is helpful ? have they ever said anything before about your partner being rude or is just since you were telling your mother about your marital problems? I am a big believer that your mother us not your best friend she is your parent. have you close friends you can lean on instead ? If it's a serous matter I would also try therapy

Could you just not be arsed even reading her posts then?

magma32 · 05/05/2023 22:47

So his parents live locally but he treats them with respect as they’re guests when they come around, but your parents live far and seem to be a nuisance for him when they stay and treats them like the help. I wouldn’t put up with that but I think you already know he’s a twat. Would your parents be supportive if you left him? Maybe your mum is telling you in case your Dh shit stirs about them. Maybe they think he’s trying to cut you off from them so they’re getting in there first, I dunno.

I agree your dad sounds abit old fashioned whereas your Dh seems like he knows what he’s doing.

maidmarianne · 05/05/2023 22:54

Gymtastic · 05/05/2023 22:44

I’m really shocked at some of these answers, irs like folks have no idea how to handle guests. I can’t believe they’d take the husbands side.

op. Your mother is right, remember you are a person and important, he can’t bully you and boss you round. And irs unbelievably rude to do it to guests.

you need to tell him you’ve been mulling it over and feel he behaved poorly . Explain why, do not say your parents complained, he will isolate you more.

my question is when you saw him doing it, why didn’t you say something. I’d be furious if my husband did that to any guest, and I’d be heard and immediately, with , yeah it does need cleaned crack on and get it done.

he’s a dick. Trying to exert his dominance. Tell him and put a stop to this.

Surely parents/in laws staying for an entire week would be expected to help out with organising a family party? They can't expect to be waited on hand and foot all that time, I certainly wouldn't expect that when staying at my in laws.

If someone is going to get pissed off about simply being asked to carry something outside, it's hard not to think that maybe they're the ones being unreasonable? It sounds like both were at fault to be honest, but it's weird that you're completely defending your parents and can't see that maybe you could be having a chat with them about being unreasonable too. Did you tell your dad he was out of order when you were pregnant and he didn't want to help?

Toomanylatenightprogs · 05/05/2023 22:55

But there’s ways of your DH to speak to your DPs, and ways not to:
MIL, do you mind cleaning the worktop ? Thanks. Vs Someone needs to clean that worktop.
FIL, are you ok taking those chairs into the garden ? Thanks Vs FIL, take those chairs outside.

You say he doesn’t respect everything you do for the family so the problem is your husband and his attitudes. He has family, not servants.

Appleandoranges · 05/05/2023 22:56

It's perfectly possible for your husband to be rude, and also your father and maybe your mother to be rude as well. It doesn't have to be one or the other. I think it's tricky for you. Your parents say your husband is bullying you and in control of you. But it is a possibility they are used to bossing you about as well. I don't know. I think rather than be swayed by your husband's view and your parent's view, you take the time to see what you think about things. It may take a bit of time but you need to work on your own confidence and self esteem so you can take a considered view on whether your husband or your parents are being rude. It sometimes easier said than done though.

PatchworkElmer · 05/05/2023 22:58

I think you clearly have underlying DH issues here, but I’m not sure he did much wrong? Certainly his delivery could be improved, politeness costs nothing. But your parents wanted to help and we’re directed to where they’d be most useful. This is fine (with the addition of please and thank you!)

Flipping it the other way around- your Mum likes helping. She took over the cooking and prepared almost all of the party food. If your husband had gone into the kitchen and started making a salad, would that have offended her too? Would you have been dealing with conversations about how he took her cooking and she felt he was saying hers wasn’t good enough?

… Do you think that maybe your parents are more upset about this issue than they would otherwise be because they know there are issues in your marriage?

I wouldn’t put up with my husband dropping hints for me or my parents to do something and would address that with him at the time, privately. Personally I think it’s been left too long now to be brought up in its own right. I would mention it in the lead up to their next visit, in the context of ‘this is something I’d like to do differently next time’. BUT as I say, I think there are underlying issues here and if you feel this needs to be brought up due to the wider context then fair enough.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 05/05/2023 22:59

Mirabai · 05/05/2023 22:35

Her dad is clearly old school and bit extra - but that’s no excuse for DH behaving badly - two wrongs don’t make a right.

DH asking her mum to clean something specific is rude. I wouldn’t never ask my mum that when she was staying with me.

Show quote history

It's rude to ask someone who wants to help to clean something specific? I have never experienced that. I am happy if someone tells me what I can do to help them.

hopsalong · 05/05/2023 23:04

Maybe your parents mentioned this only because they're worried about how DH treats you?

How does he treat you? Does he order you to do things? Do you do them? That must be very painful for them to see. Perhaps they're trying to open up the conversation by making it in the first instance about them, i.e. less high stakes?

tiktokboom · 05/05/2023 23:06

I think your parents sound manipulative.

Mirabai · 05/05/2023 23:06

Gymtastic · 05/05/2023 22:44

I’m really shocked at some of these answers, irs like folks have no idea how to handle guests. I can’t believe they’d take the husbands side.

op. Your mother is right, remember you are a person and important, he can’t bully you and boss you round. And irs unbelievably rude to do it to guests.

you need to tell him you’ve been mulling it over and feel he behaved poorly . Explain why, do not say your parents complained, he will isolate you more.

my question is when you saw him doing it, why didn’t you say something. I’d be furious if my husband did that to any guest, and I’d be heard and immediately, with , yeah it does need cleaned crack on and get it done.

he’s a dick. Trying to exert his dominance. Tell him and put a stop to this.

I agree.

GettingStuffed · 05/05/2023 23:17

Has your husband ever heard of the word please? Please could you make a salad for lunch ? Is a hell of a lot nicer than dropping not so subtle hints like somebody needs to make a salad repeatdly.

Innocentsongs · 05/05/2023 23:31

Next time there is a thread where a man complains to his mother about his wife and MN as one call him a 'Mummy's Boy', this will be the thread to demonstrate that there are a lot of Mummy's and Daddy's girls on MN. Women are rarely admonished for complaining to their friends and parents about their husbands. Men are never allowed to complain to anyone it would appear.
Can you imagine if the roles were reversed in this thread and a man was complaining that his wife was not polite enough to his parents?

Innocentsongs · 05/05/2023 23:34

Perhaps we need to encourage men to offload to their Mums and Dads when their wives are less than polite to his parents.

Only kidding..........

SemperIdem · 05/05/2023 23:35

Innocentsongs · 05/05/2023 23:31

Next time there is a thread where a man complains to his mother about his wife and MN as one call him a 'Mummy's Boy', this will be the thread to demonstrate that there are a lot of Mummy's and Daddy's girls on MN. Women are rarely admonished for complaining to their friends and parents about their husbands. Men are never allowed to complain to anyone it would appear.
Can you imagine if the roles were reversed in this thread and a man was complaining that his wife was not polite enough to his parents?

I would imagine, if a man had been arsed to set up Dadsnet ever, then men too could expect to receive mostly supportive responses. I am so bored of reading “what about men”, well what if men gave a single shit about each other and did something proactive rather than just bitching that a woman hasn’t done it for them already.

BeetleBailey · 05/05/2023 23:42

It would be my idea of hell if the in-laws came to stay for a week and started trying to do things in the house

I would find it very awkward having two people in my house for a week with nothing to do getting under my feet

They both sound very precious, complaining that they got asked to help with things. Probably best if they stay in a hotel next time or you go there without dh

Innocentsongs · 05/05/2023 23:49

@SemperIdem I think there is a Dadsnet, and specific Dad areas on Reddit and Mankind, www.mankind.org.uk/ for similar problems for men.
I know I am sick of the term, Mummy's boy, when used as a term of abuse which happens a lot on here. Although the idea of a grown up 'telling' on someone seems pretty juvenile.

Daffodilmorning · 05/05/2023 23:54

I would find your parents impossible. You can’t offer to help but then be offended when you’re asked to do specific jobs. It sounds like a power play on their part. Your DH is rude for hinting at jobs too though.

Dibbydoos · 05/05/2023 23:56

How does he get away sayingcstuff like tgat to you? If you don't address it for you, then of course he's decided it's OK to say it to other people. What AH behaviour.

Yes tell him. And tell him to do it himself too.

Nanaof1 · 06/05/2023 00:05

Gentlemenplease · 05/05/2023 21:07

The more you type op the more I suspect its your parents that are the problem

I got the opposite feeling. The more I read, especially since her NSDH goes after her if she brings anything up and expects her to do everything because "he's busy", makes me think he is the problem and is very rude and borderline abusive.

yogibutton · 06/05/2023 00:08

My feeling from the thread is that OP has abusive parents (neither the father nor the mother can be asked anything ? even in situations or pregnancy, small children around etc) - which unsurprisingly led her to chose a spouse that way inclined as well.

OP parents tell her she should stand up for herself, but it was them who made her unable to do so in the first place.

A very hard place to be, OP, I am very sorry

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