Page 4 | My parents are really pissed with DH- what would you do ?

babysofmummys · 2023-05-05T19:36:38+00:00

Parents came to visit a couple of months ago for a few days and it's transpired that they found my DH very rude. Apparently they felt he was ordering them about to help and clean / make food while they were here. They stayed for a week, during which we had my DD's birthday party. My parents are people who like to make themselves useful when they visit. If they see something needs doing, they just get on with it. My mum is an obsessively clean person and cannot stand mess and insists on tidying up/ gets frustrated if things are left out and takes over the cooking when she visits. Apparently during this visit they felt like my DH ordered them around, on top of the stuff they were doing to help. He told my mum to make a salad or something and told my dad to carry some stuff outside.. He then didn't offer to make them drinks, while he was making drinks for other people. He also kept saying ' someone needs to clean up XXX or whatever is was and my mum felt he was implying she should do it. I have noticed him doing this before to her. He'll just keep repeating to her and to me that XXX needs cleaning or sorting or whatever, but he won't do it himself because he's ' never home ' and ' doesn't have time... it's quite annoying and rude My parents felt disrespected and now I'm unsure whether to tell DH. I think he needs to know on some level, so he doesn't do it again.

NoPlansToday · 05/05/2023 22:17

If my kids bitched to me about their spouse all the time, It would make me resent their partner. My loyalty is to my child and if I hear they are continuously being treated badly I would feel upset with their spouse.

GoodChat · 05/05/2023 22:18

NoPlansToday · 05/05/2023 22:17

If my kids bitched to me about their spouse all the time, It would make me resent their partner. My loyalty is to my child and if I hear they are continuously being treated badly I would feel upset with their spouse.

Agreed. It'd make it much easier to find fault with them.

magma32 · 05/05/2023 22:19

I also don’t think your parents should be stirring the pot by telling you, seeing as they know there are issues already.

RedToothBrush · 05/05/2023 22:19

So you've organised a party and your parents have faffed in the kitchen doing what they want and getting in the way of what needs to be done and they don't like it when your DH tells them to stop being irritating and sort X out.

Parents are the issue.

Sell them at a card boot sale.

Original poster

babysofmummys · 05/05/2023 22:21

RedToothBrush · 05/05/2023 22:19

So you've organised a party and your parents have faffed in the kitchen doing what they want and getting in the way of what needs to be done and they don't like it when your DH tells them to stop being irritating and sort X out.

Parents are the issue.

Sell them at a card boot sale.

It's not what happened. They didn't faff around. They prepared almost all the party food...

OP posts:

Iamtheonwandlonely · 05/05/2023 22:23

Why tell you now and not at the time?.
Seems like you e confided in your DM and she's used this information against your SH.

I also think a week is a very long time for anyone to stay somewhere.
Where do your parents live @babysofmummys .

Mirabai · 05/05/2023 22:24

babysofmummys · 05/05/2023 22:15

They were absolutely being helpful. Everyone was doing different tasks to prepare food for the party and tidy up the garden. This idea that they weren't helpful is completely wrong. They single handedly prepared all the food with him and tidied up the garden.

I did as much as I could whilst also looking after the children. He then just asked my dad to carry something in addition to what he was doing. The idea that they were running around like headless chickens being useless is completely not true. Sorry if I made it seem that way, but it didn't happen this way at all. We all decided what we were going to do with the food and garden and they got stuck in. Later on, he then asked my mum to also prepare a salad, which she didn't like. The decisions about the food prior to the salad was all a joint decision and then he unilaterally decided we needed a salad and that she should make it. This was later on when other guests arrived.

I just wanted to clear that up.

Show quote history

I get how it is - he asks you to do stuff that he could do himself “x needs doing” and he did the same to your mum.

He’s clearly quite rude and controlling and that’s why you’re not getting on with him yourself.

Clearly it’s not a good idea to have them to stay again, but equally personally I’d get shot of your DH.

WishIwasElsa · 05/05/2023 22:25

Seems like everyone is a bit difficult and you are stuck in the middle of it

Mirabai · 05/05/2023 22:26

RedToothBrush · 05/05/2023 22:19

So you've organised a party and your parents have faffed in the kitchen doing what they want and getting in the way of what needs to be done and they don't like it when your DH tells them to stop being irritating and sort X out.

Parents are the issue.

Sell them at a card boot sale.

It would be great if people would read the thread and not invent their own narrative.

Clementinesucks · 05/05/2023 22:27

Your DH sounds like a dick. No wonder you are not getting on with him.

ParistoMilan · 05/05/2023 22:27

Your parents sound like children. If they don't want to be told what to do then they shouldn't visit at a busy time like a party. It's absolutely normal for people to say ' Could you just take that out to the garden' etc. I'd be fed up if I was your DH too. You probably need to tell your parents that they are being ridiculous.

From your post it reads like you instantly assumed DH needed to be 'told off' because of how your parents had felt without any thought as to whether that was actually justified.

Whilst your parents probably aren't too pleased with DH if you've been moaning too them about him, he probably isn't thrilled that your DDad was moaning about helping his pregnant wife.

I don't think he's wrong in pointing out that there's a bit of a weird dynamic going on with your parents. Also, it is one of the hardest things in life to finally realise and this causes issues/breakdowns in lots of marriages.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 05/05/2023 22:29

Mirabai · 05/05/2023 21:57

OP says in her first post that her parents to make themselves useful when they visit. If they see something needs doing, they just get on with it. Her mum insists on tidying up.

It’s just that they don’t like being ordered around by DH.

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She later says her Dad resented being asked to help her when she was pregnant and told her she was ordering him around like a slave.
As well that her mom would be angry if she was asked to clean something specific. That's not healthy or helpful.

junebirthdaygirl · 05/05/2023 22:29

Does your dh work in a situation where, under pressure, he orders people around and then continues this at home. When everyone is rushing around it might happen that he would tell someone to do something but if he generally orders you around that is not on. Maybe some therapy would help you.

Mirabai · 05/05/2023 22:30

If OP and DH organise a party it’s up to them to prepare it. Her parents aren’t staff. It was very nice of them to prepare most of the food.

Tbh if I had a party when my parents were staying I wouldn’t allow them to do anything but the most minor of preparations.

Noicant · 05/05/2023 22:30

Yeah I think it’s mainly your husband. If I had just made all the party food and DD’s DH then told me (TOLD) that I’m to make a salad I’d be pretty fucked off too. It’s an extension of the lack of respect he has for you. I’m not saying your parents are perfect but it sounds like they do a lot for you guys already and now your DH sees them as staff rather than appreciating the help.

Whyisitsosohard · 05/05/2023 22:32

Dh sounds super rude which you've acknowledged to your mum. I also feel for your dad. If you're already doing something I wouldn't appreciate being told to also do something else. Sounds like you require a lot of help for 2 adults.

I wouldn't dream of asking my in laws to prep food or clear the garden. I'm heavily pregnant now and still say no if my in laws offer to get me a chair although I'll accept a drink. Not making them one when you're doing it for others is unbelievably rude as well.

RedToothBrush · 05/05/2023 22:32

Mirabai · 05/05/2023 22:26

It would be great if people would read the thread and not invent their own narrative.

Show quote history

I did read the thread and I'm still willing to bet they were faffing around getting in the way swearing blind they were helpful but in reality were just slow and not really doing what needed to be done and were more of a hindrance than help to your DH.

He's got snappy when the pair of them haven't actually done what they have been supposed to.

They then create a narrative of how wonderful their help was.

Vivi0 · 05/05/2023 22:33

babysofmummys · 05/05/2023 22:15

They were absolutely being helpful. Everyone was doing different tasks to prepare food for the party and tidy up the garden. This idea that they weren't helpful is completely wrong. They single handedly prepared all the food with him and tidied up the garden.

I did as much as I could whilst also looking after the children. He then just asked my dad to carry something in addition to what he was doing. The idea that they were running around like headless chickens being useless is completely not true. Sorry if I made it seem that way, but it didn't happen this way at all. We all decided what we were going to do with the food and garden and they got stuck in. Later on, he then asked my mum to also prepare a salad, which she didn't like. The decisions about the food prior to the salad was all a joint decision and then he unilaterally decided we needed a salad and that she should make it. This was later on when other guests arrived.

I just wanted to clear that up.

Show quote history

That paints a much clearer picture, actually.

So he asked your mum to prepare a salad. Then he asked your dad to carry something.

It would make sense to ask the person who was responsible for preparing the food if they could also prepare a salad. It might not have been something that was agreed upon beforehand, but it is easy to forget things when organising a party. He thought a salad was needed and asked your mum to prepare one. Your mum could have said, “Sorry, I’m a little busy. Could you do it?”

Asking your dad to carry something is a complete non issue.

I asked if your parents have form for taking offence, because I can’t see what there is to take offense over.

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/05/2023 22:34

Your husband is incredibly rude. Are you scared of him?

Wexone · 05/05/2023 22:35

I dunno here now. did you see your partner being rude to your parents? ate they really helpful or just doing things they think is helpful ? have they ever said anything before about your partner being rude or is just since you were telling your mother about your marital problems? I am a big believer that your mother us not your best friend she is your parent. have you close friends you can lean on instead ? If it's a serous matter I would also try therapy

Mirabai · 05/05/2023 22:35

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 05/05/2023 22:29

She later says her Dad resented being asked to help her when she was pregnant and told her she was ordering him around like a slave.
As well that her mom would be angry if she was asked to clean something specific. That's not healthy or helpful.

Show quote history

Her dad is clearly old school and bit extra - but that’s no excuse for DH behaving badly - two wrongs don’t make a right.

DH asking her mum to clean something specific is rude. I wouldn’t never ask my mum that when she was staying with me.

Mirabai · 05/05/2023 22:37

RedToothBrush · 05/05/2023 22:32

I did read the thread and I'm still willing to bet they were faffing around getting in the way swearing blind they were helpful but in reality were just slow and not really doing what needed to be done and were more of a hindrance than help to your DH.

He's got snappy when the pair of them haven't actually done what they have been supposed to.

They then create a narrative of how wonderful their help was.

Show quote history

Why are you willing to bet on people you’ve never met when the OP was there and has explained what happened? Why would you think you know better than OP?

WhiteBloatus · 05/05/2023 22:37

Your husband sounds disrespectful/inconsiderate to you and your parents, and your parents sound over sensitive about being treated ‘with respect’.
They have now put you in the middle of a loss lose situation. I feel for you. However, you do need to address with your husband the way he treats you and your parents, it’s wrong.

RunningRunningRunningRunningRunning · 05/05/2023 22:38

A week long stay with them in his house and personal space when he's still working, I can see why he'd get pissed off with them. Them deciding what to do to help out could also annoy him, id hate someone coming round and clearing stuff up i didnt ask or want them to. Can they not stay in a hotel and have a bit of space if they stay a week? I couldn't put up with my in laws for a week.

Cornishclio · 05/05/2023 22:39

Putting the issue of your parents aside it sounds like you should be talking to your DH about the way he talks to you. That sounds like the crux of the matter if you have been complaining to your parents about him and the way he treats you. As to whether your parents or your DH are to blame for the fall out none of them sound like they covered themselves in glory. I think you should talk to him instead of your parents.