My parents are really pissed with DH- what would you do ?

[babysofmummys]

Parents came to visit a couple of months ago for a few days and it's transpired that they found my DH very rude.

Apparently they felt he was ordering them about to help and clean / make food while they were here.

They stayed for a week, during which we had my DD's birthday party. My parents are people who like to make themselves useful when they visit. If they see something needs doing, they just get on with it. My mum is an obsessively clean person and cannot stand mess and insists on tidying up/ gets frustrated if things are left out and takes over the cooking when she visits.

Apparently during this visit they felt like my DH ordered them around, on top of the stuff they were doing to help. He told my mum to make a salad or something and told my dad to carry some stuff outside..

He then didn't offer to make them drinks, while he was making drinks for other people. He also kept saying ' someone needs to clean up XXX or whatever is was and my mum felt he was implying she should do it. I have noticed him doing this before to her. He'll just keep repeating to her and to me that XXX needs cleaning or sorting or whatever, but he won't do it himself because he's ' never home ' and ' doesn't have time... it's quite annoying and rude

My parents felt disrespected and now I'm unsure whether to tell DH. I think he needs to know on some level, so he doesn't do it again.

Not much about this relationship dynamic sounds healthy to be honest OP. Do you find it hard to speak to him about issues in general, even ones not connected to your parents?

he'll just say that we are all weird and my family is weird and that he's done nothing wrong. He'll use it as something to slag me and them off about i think.

This isn't right. Do what Choconut said. Tell him you don't like it when he does it to you and you don't like it when he does it to your parents. He shouldn't just dismiss you or slag you off for it. If he does, you have bigger problems.

The passive aggressive "xxx needs cleaning" - meaning -I am telling you to clean xxx - would drive me crazy. If I were your mother, I'd probably have replied to that one myself.

Your parents sound a bit difficult, actually.

It’s all very well they pick and choose to be vaguely helpful but maybe, from your dh’s perspective, they’re not being helpful at all and he’s trying to steer them a bit?

I don’t think being asked to carry salad out or whatever is rude, though tone of course is very important.

I think having your in laws to stay for a solid week could be quite taxing. I’d not relish it and mine are lovely people. I don’t think I’d want my own parents to stay in my home for a week either, and we are close.

Just tell him he sounds bossy and rude and needs to quit with the orders. Also rude he does not ask them if they want drinks. Does he think he is above others. Do not mention your parents or how they said anything as just cause more hassle. You seem afraid to talk to him about it. Is he always controlling like this.

So they don’t want to be asked to help they’ll just help in whichever way they see fit whether you need them to or not? That’s odd.

everyone comes here for Xmas dinner; and everyone is given a job - it’s no end of me saying ‘mil could you grab the glasses’ ‘dm could you please get the plates out’ ‘fil the Prosecco is there; top everyone up’

theres nothing rude about it - it’s asking for help.

I have sympathy for both here. It is very difficult to have in laws saying for a week. It’s hard having anyone stay that long, but in laws is a different ballgame. Him repeating things that need doing would bug me because he should just outright ask things instead of hinting, so I would bring that up in a general ‘I have noticed you do this’ way.

Equally if anyone is staying with me for a week or if I’m staying with someone else I would not be bothered about being asked pitch in and I’d get myself drinks or tell them to help themselves. So I think in some ways your parents are being a bit pathetic.

I agree with another who said they were wrong to moan to you, that’s putting you in a difficult position.

Your parents are the issue here.

If someone is staying for an extended period why offer them drinks? At that point they’re not guests in the same way a fleeting visitor is.

My parents are a bit difficult too.

The stuff they do is always useful.

But we were preparing for a party, so everyone was doing different tasks and DH was more like ' ok can you come and carry this out there please, while I do this ' and my dad didn't like it at all. So I do think that's my dad being difficult. He even told him ' you can carry that yourself ' ... as he says he had just planted some pots for us ( he offered to do it and wasn't told and we were very happy he did this for us ).

I think my dad really hates being told to help. When I was heavily pregnant he came to visit and I asked him to help me with my toddler and just generally getting me things: so, if he was standing up anyway I would ask him to get me something close to him that I needed and he found that really difficult too. He said he felt like my slave, whereas other people gladly just helped me out and I was the same with them. I don't think I was hugely lazy, just really pregnant and needing a bit of help.

With my mum, my DH can be really disrespectful and takes the piss for sure though.

Christ, and you have the cheek to be funny with your DH?

@Applequash I also know what you mean by that. My DH made drinks for all the guests arriving. He didn't make me a drink either.

I guess he could have been a bit more thoughtful and made some for us too.

Your parents are the issue. If only because they've told you something then asked you to keep it from your husband. They are asking you to keep a secret from your spouse. That is very wrong of them.

I read it that he’s ordering them to do things rather than asking them to do stuff - which sounds rude - and then at other times he’s just repeating “x thing needs to be done” until you or your mum just does it…which could also be a bit rude.

If my husband wandered around saying, “SOMEBODY needs to…” while not lifting a finger, I’d snap on him. Hard. You see something that needs to be done, get on with it. You live here too

Or perhaps they did it in the interests of not driving a rift between OP and her DH..?

Everyone sounds off tbh. If my parents ignored what needed to be done in that moment DH would just crack on with what he thinks is a priority himself he would never tell he would ask (politely). Dh is pretty blunt but always respectful to my parents (even though they never deserved it).

Your parents interrupt everything as being bossed around and your husband is rude. Don’t know how you cope.

Yeah they don't want to be told what to do at all. They just want to do what they want to help with.

TBH I find people who do things that they think are helpful (but generally aren't) to be more annoying than people who don't help at all.

This sounds like your DH was trying to channel your parents desires to be helpful into something that he actually needs help with. And they were just going round doing random things that they thought needed doing. Which I suspect you are used to, but he probably wishes that they didn't.

It's a bit like the threads where someone says their MIL came to stay and decided to do all the ironing. Half the responders will think this is great and the other half will think it's weird and intrusive and if she wanted to help they'd rather she'd done xyz. You and DH are basically the opposite types of responders.

It's really tough actually to know what to do when it comes to parents and spouses.

I'm not getting on well with him at all anyway. I talk to my mum about it and I guess she's also let my dad know some of it, so I guess they also have some resentment towards him. It's very difficult to open up to people about problems in your marriage and them not have bad feelings on some level.

My parents just kept saying that I shouldn't forget who I am and let him decide stuff and put me down etc. I think they feel like I've lost my self esteem and that he's kind of the boss of me on some level and that I shouldn't forget that I'm also someone.

Anyway, I'm just super confused now about what to do. I don't want to sour their relationship more. I guess if the right opportunity comes up, I could mention that I noticed he was a bit bossy with them and for him to definitely stop repeating ' something needs cleaning ' and for him just to do it himself.

I think it’s the right thing, for example, to offer everyone a drink if you’re making one. When I’m staying with family I offer to help with things but I am also careful not to seem to “take over” in someone else’s home! In this case perhaps there needs to be more communication or ground rules set.
However the “never there” argument doesn’t hold water - if he’s there to see it needs doing he’s there to do it!

Asking family to help is very normal I'd say particularly if you are hosting them. As long as he's asking politely I can't see the issue. You could say to him for you to ask instead? Or they could stay in a hotel?

Your parents say you shouldn't forget who you are but won't help in someone else's house unless it's what they want to do?

They keep score & your dad didn't like being asked to pass his own pregnant daughter something?

Not sure about your husband Op but your parents sound fucking awful.

That's really rude of your DH. Would it have killed him to make a couple of extra drinks? He's also rude to say x, y and z needs doing. If he's got time to notice he's got time to sort it. Also how dare he say your family is weird and imply you are the problem. Regardless of how he is with your parents he sounds like he's not very nice to you
Tbh your dad sounds a bit OTT too. I can see maybe why your DH got a bit annoyed with him. They actually sound quite similar.

Your parents, your dad especially, sound like really hard work.

It is not actually helpful to tit around potting plants, unless you’ve been specifically asked.

The only thing I would speak to your husband about is his irritating habit of saying “someone needs to do…” and just directly ask x person to do it so he can continue whatever it is he is doing instead.

Why would his parents be more like guests because they’re nearby and not staying than your parents who are. They’re both guests!

I really don’t like the sound of your DH at all.

Your parents sound like hard work tbh.