My parents are really pissed with DH- what would you do ?

[babysofmummys]

Parents came to visit a couple of months ago for a few days and it's transpired that they found my DH very rude.

Apparently they felt he was ordering them about to help and clean / make food while they were here.

They stayed for a week, during which we had my DD's birthday party. My parents are people who like to make themselves useful when they visit. If they see something needs doing, they just get on with it. My mum is an obsessively clean person and cannot stand mess and insists on tidying up/ gets frustrated if things are left out and takes over the cooking when she visits.

Apparently during this visit they felt like my DH ordered them around, on top of the stuff they were doing to help. He told my mum to make a salad or something and told my dad to carry some stuff outside..

He then didn't offer to make them drinks, while he was making drinks for other people. He also kept saying ' someone needs to clean up XXX or whatever is was and my mum felt he was implying she should do it. I have noticed him doing this before to her. He'll just keep repeating to her and to me that XXX needs cleaning or sorting or whatever, but he won't do it himself because he's ' never home ' and ' doesn't have time... it's quite annoying and rude

My parents felt disrespected and now I'm unsure whether to tell DH. I think he needs to know on some level, so he doesn't do it again.

I very much agree with this - this is in large part because of a different view of what it means to be guests, what it means to be family and what the line is between the two. There are really different approaches to this across families, which I think is why OP is getting such divided responses.

I'm from a very 'polite/formal' family - as is DH, which is probably fortunate. I remember a MN thread where I was mocked by multiple posters because I said we thank each other for household tasks a lot ('thanks for making dinner's, 'oh you've taken the bins out, thanks' etc) - people said their partner would think they were being sarky if they said thanks ten times an evening, which is probably what we do. But for us it works, and we say a lot of pleases too. With extended, family, too, we would treat them like guests. I know for a lot of people that would be too formal, and feel like 'standing on ceremony' (I had an ex who felt like that about my family) so I'm not at all trying to say this is how everyone should be. But for us the DH's behaviour would be really out of line. In other family contexts it would be fine, even quite warm. No one is right or wrong (well, in this specific situation I would say there's wrong on both sides) but if it's not acknowledged as a clash of styles it's going to happen again and again.

I have read your posts but no one else's. What I hear is that your parents usually muck in when they come over, that for the birthday party your parents prepared most of the party food and together with your husband they tidied the garden for the party; that your mum generally cleans and cooks a lot when she comes over. On this visit, your dad also did some potting which was useful but not party related, in addition to helping tidy up the garden and whatever else. Your husband then directed your mum to make a salad after she had prepared most of the party food, and directed your dad to carry things. Your husband also kept saying to you and your mum "someone needs to clean xxx" on the party day, but did not do it himself and seemed to expect your mum to do it. Your husband made drinks for everyone except you and your parents. Your husband is often disrespectful to your mother, and you have noticed that he is rude and unappreciative towards you regarding what you do for the family. He also says he cannot do things because he is working.

My conclusion from this is that your parents did a lot of work to help you and your husband prepare for the party and then your husband treated them as if they were staff. Honestly I think his making drinks for everyone else would have tipped it for me. They are not the hosts. You are the hosts. Once the party started, it was your and your husband's job to make the drinks. Also, it's one thing for you to ask your mum to clean something, it's another thing for your husband to ask your mum to clean something, especially when he's standing right there and could do it himself. Your mum is not his maid.

It sounds like both your DH and your parents are being stubborn and passive-aggressive here. He needs to just ask, nicely, for help with what needs to be done. He also needs to not be rude and if he is offering others drinks, you do not exclude anyone thinking, "They can get them themselves".
Your parents need to stop with the "we do what we want to do when we want to do it" attitude. They aren't 12, they aren't being asked to be slaves to anyone, and they can stop being obstreperous. If they are asked to help, they either help or stay somewhere else when they visit, and then they can be treated like guests when they stop by.
I feel for you! You must feel like a batch of taffy being pulled in different directions. BTW--If your DH is rude to you or goes off on you easily, he needs to either stop it or you need to establish boundaries with him. It sounds like sometimes, he is a total azzhat.

OP, it all sounds very difficult.

Your husband clearly isn't very nice and your parents are especially sensitive seeing how he treats you, and now knowing how he treats you.

I think there is nothing to be gained by giving an awful man ammunition to berate you with.

You are not happy.

What can you do to help yourself?

I thinkntjat should be where you energy should be.

Counselling could be a safe place for you to speak and get support.

Women's aid is there if you feel mistreated by him.

Start thinking about what you want.

But if he's home to see something needs doing he's home enough to do it. I'd end up saying we'll go on then and pass him a cloth or yes please I'd love a cuppa to etc.

So, now we have the crux of the problem. Your NSDH treats you poorly, in your view, and you are not getting along together. You told your parents about it, and they came to visit. The fact they held their tongue as they did and didn't tell him to go jump in the lake is admirable and probably more than I'd have been able to manage.
This has very little to do with your parents. This has to do with you and your NSDH. The fact that he has put you down more than once in your marriage, and he still is able to stand, is what needs to be fixed. You need to value yourself more and not let anyone, no matter who it is, treat you poorly or act like they are the boss of you. YOU need to deal with this. Get counselling to help you get your self-esteem back and grow a backbone. Hopefully, your NSDH would also be willing to go and get some insight for himself and then together with you. But first, you each need individual help.

Honestly, if I had been your parents, I would have needed super-glue to keep my mouth shut the whole visit, and sunglasses to control my very distinct "if looks could kill" glare I would have been having every time I looked at your NSDH.

If my DD was with this sort of twat I would merrily point out his shortcomings. ⅔

I wouldn’t say anything about how your dad felt because he sounds like a bellend and I’d expect your dh to be able to have a go at him to you and you sympathise. Your dh also sounds very dismissive however. In your shoes I’d have said can we please have drinks too or are we just the hired help? Etc. And if someone wandered around near me saying ‘someone needs to…’ I’d say there are no someone’s here are you volunteering or asking? I hate indirect people!!
the drinks etc would actually really piss me off and I’d be calling him on it every time. If he hadn’t improved I’d be at the party planning stage saying I’ll do drinks as I can make them for everyone including you and I won’t deliberately leave anyone out as deep down I just think they don’t matter. And tell people - oh im doing drinks becasue dh always leaves me out when he does them and I’ve had enough of that. Men take note your wives get the first drink not none at all!
ive done similar with my dad who is good at offering me a drink and never coming back, it’s absent mindedness on his part, I just call him on it.

so, he was rude to you and your mum, I’m not sure there’s any point bringing it up, but maybe you could talk to him before next visit? I’d focus on how he is to you as that’s the most important thing if there are bigger issues. And forget about complaining about how he behaved to your dad, your dad deserves it.

Do you not just think it sounds like it’s a personality clash? A too many cooks thing? So your mum is bustling about and your dh says oh and you could do x while you’re at it? etc etc? At parties especially everyone gets stuck in and it’s kind of people calling out things to be done. It sounds like your parents might just have wanted to help out but on their own terms and possibly not end up being made feel like they had to do something

Ah ok just rtft. Sorry!

Thank you!
It seems MNeters want to ignore all the red flags that her NSDH keeps waving and just go on about her M&D.
I don't understand why her Dad acted like he did why she was pregnant but since I wasn't there, I can't comment. Maybe he was having a bad day, maybe OP was being a bit whiny/demanding or maybe her DF is just an azz at times or curmudgeonly.

If my in-laws came to my house and cooked.and cleaned, I'd be well happy with that. When it's so helpful, why shouldn't it be on their terms. If I'd like them to do something else, I'd ask politely - not order them around. You tailor your language for the audience.
The husband sounds rude and unappreciative.

IF you had bothered to read ALL of the posts by OP up til your replay, you would have read that none of what you wrote is even remotely what happened.

Lots of MNers can hardly wait to attack the parents/ILs. How very sad.

THIS! ⬆ALL OF THIS!

**

How did you reach this ridiculous conclusion?

I would not either. To me, it sounds like they did a lot and would LOVE to know what NSDH was doing while they prepared most all of the food. Sit around with a megaphone shouting out directions and orders?

Oh yeah, he made drinks to look like the "great host" and a "good guy" while he ignored the people who had been doing most of the work and his own wife.
The fact that so many MNetters see that as "perfectly okay" is mind-boggling and disappointing.

Your parents were guests, and as such should not be asked to do chores. If they are helpful, as your's are, then bonus. But your husband should be asking his local parents to do jobs not your parents. It also sounds as if he issues orders & demands rather than 'if you've got a moment could you ...'.

To be clear since some seem to have missed it, OP says her DH was ASKING for help. Her parents then twist that into him “telling them what to do.”

But we were preparing for a party, so everyone was doing different tasks and DH was more like ' ok can you come and carry this out there please, while I do this ' and my dad didn't like it at all.

She also says in several other posts that he asked for help with the salad or whatever. This is a far cry from her parents’ characterization of him ordering them around. The hinting issue, if accurate, is something to address though.

LOL! Thank you for saying what most of us are thinking!

Besides the fact that if a man came on here, telling us that his wife was demeaning him, ruining his self-esteem, bossing him around and treating his parents like servants, as they prepare all the food, sort out the garden and everything else while she just does little except for the bossing, we would be sympathetic to him and tell him to grow a backbone, get counselling and hope his wife gets some, and then get some together. The same thing I told the OP in a post.

Now that I read how your parents did so much preparing of the food (like all of it!), helped get the garden fixed up for guests and everything else they were doing, I have to ask, what in blazes did your NSDH do that day? It sounds like he felt like he was the director/producer and everyone else the errand boys/staff.

I would imagine, after making all the food, your Mom might have been a bit tired and then to be told to make a salad? Is NSDH incapable of salad prep? Is it beyond his intellectual capabilities?

I'm not sure why your DF got miffed about carrying something out to the garden, but was he told what to do all day long? Was he thanked for sorting the garden, so the party area would be nicer? Were your Mom and Dad thanked for ALL the food prep and work they did?

Your NSDH sounds like quite the jovial host when it fits his agenda but falling short in his treatment of his in-laws and wife. Taking them for granted, being bossy, not being appreciative of what they have done seems to show me that your NSDH is just a tad (like a whole lot) self-centered.

If I am totally wrong, I apologize, but I am going by what you have posted, and it seems to be an ongoing issue between you and your NSDH.

That's what I took away, too. All three of them (DPs and DH) are unreasonable, and she's caught in the crossfire.

He'll just keep repeating to her and to me that XXX needs cleaning or sorting or whatever, but he won't do it himself

Prize guy you won there!

pondering if it's really 3023, or the 1950's

I wonder, OP if your parents voiced this to you in the hope it would prompt you to take action because of your own issues with DH. I was reading your OP and thinking, if my daughter was telling me about problems with her DH and I witnessed some of his rude treatment of her, I would be trying to encourage her to be proactive about it. Not to just let life pass her by with things getting worse and worse.

So if you are complaining about him but (as far as they know) you aren’t saying anything to him about it and insisting he treat you better, perhaps they thought you might feel see the parallels to his treatment of them and feel more compulsion to act.

If my DD was with this sort of twat I would merrily point out his shortcomings

You will end up falling out with your dd as a result if you do this.

OP this is one of those adult epiphany moments. I get on with my in laws fine but omg I could not cope with them either staying for more than a night or staying at theirs for more than a night. And neither could DH. My dad would be every bit as bad, he’d expect to be waited on hand and foot, I can cope for a couple of hours but…..

If they come and stay they need to accept that it is your and DH’s house. Too many parents see adult offspring as children and so expect to take charge in their house. It sounds to me like they were driving him mad and he got snippy. That happens, they all need to consider why this happened to avoid it again.

Thankfully my house isn’t big enough for people to stay and there is a premier inn 2 miles away. It avoids a lot of problems.

I disagree if they're guests who are staying for a few days, and family. They should muck in and be asking what needs to be done rather than potting plants or something.