I Hate "Friendship Groups"

[ImJustMadAboutSaffron]

Every time I read threads about these on here, I cringe at the thoughts of forced jollity, angst, oneupmanship and competitiveness, falling out, too many people compromising and jealousy and people being forced together who might have zero in common, especially when it involves doing things as groups of couples. Too like Cold Feet. Going on holiday in a "group" horrifies me and it implies "membership" that I hate the idea of. Is there anything positive?

I don't subscribe to friendship groups at all, though I do have a number of friends I do things with at times that could be classed as a group because there are more than two of us at that time, but never closely defined as that. I have:

Three close university friends that I meet together, two local, one not so much, and sometimes a friend of each of them comes out with us, sometimes not.

Another pair of friends (now one of these can be caustic at times) who I met at 19 and who were friends before I came on the scene, we meet for a meal every three or four weeks. There was another woman originally but she drifted away and we only send Christmas cards now

Three other friends I meet regularly for meals and nights out, two lived near me and the other is a friend of one of them. Another friend of another of them sometimes joins us.

Then I have other friends I know individually, and through them I've met other people. I think the only time all of these got together in one place was for my (delayed for Covid) 40th.

None of these have ever involved partners on nights out or holidays, unless it has been a specific event such as a New Year party or a birthday. We would never ever consider ourselves a "friendship group". I consider myself lucky to have escaped all the angst.

The thought of group dynamics has me running screaming for the hills.

The thought of group dynamics has me running screaming for the hills.

my spidey senses tell me there isn’t much opportunity for you to be part of a group dynamic in any event

Is there a question here? The only one I can see seems to be along the lines of "Is having friends good?"

Yeah, it can be great.

Seems like you're overthinking it a bit.

'Friendship groups' is just a way to categorise where those people are from in your life surely? Using your examples to demonstrate, you'd say your first group are your 'uni friends' or whatever.

If you don't want to go on group holidays then that's fine, it's not mandatory! But surely if you like spending time with friends you can see that occasionally people might like to spend more time with those friends?

Three close university friends that I meet together

is that not a “group”?

I find your post very odd. If having a group of friends isn’t for you then don’t have one. Why does other people feeling differently affect you in any way?

Of course there are positives. People you like also like other people you like and all of you enjoy spending time together. That’s pretty normal

Also if "forced jollity, angst, oneupmanship and competitiveness, falling out, too many people compromising and jealousy" is what springs to mind when you think of friends, I'd suggest getting new ones.

theyre not mandatory, OP

So you have groups of friends but you have an issue with "Friendship groups"?

What's the difference?

Is exactly this!

OP THIS is a friendship group!!

No, it is what springs to mind from the many many posts I have read on Mumsnet from posters having problems with friendship groups. I don't have any problems to report.

It's a discussion. It's what we do on here, isn't it?

You'd hate ours, we have a name. And t-shirts. And we holiday together every year. It gives us a lot of joy.

it isn't. It is three of my friends who sometimes meet all together. Sometimes two of us. Sometimes one more and another of their friends. I don't consider it a group in that sense.

In those examples, the problem is clearly with the individual friends, not the entire concept of friendship groups all together.

If your idea of a friendship includes forced jollity, angst, oneupmanship and competitiveness, falling out, too many people compromising and jealousy and people being forced together who might have zero in common. You should get new friends. I have a small friendship group. We hang out because we like each other and enjoy each other's company.

So what do you think a friendship group is? Because that sure as hell sounds like one to me.

In what sense? This is a group, in any definition of the sense.

There is no problem with my friends, as I have said earlier, this is what I've read on Mumsnet. Posts about one or two spiteful people in their "group" or them being frozen out. One about a husband being awful to his wife and siding with the "group". I don't encounter this.

@ImJustMadAboutSaffron How do you define 'friendship group'?

I've never managed to be in one either. There always seems to be 1-2 alphas that dominate. Socialising by committee. Reminds me of school. I find I can't be myself in such a group. One-to-one, I love.

Each to their own

But that is a friendship group. I have a friendship group of 6. It is 5 of my friends who sometimes meet together. Sometimes less of us will meet. Sometimes we have other people join us. Just like your friendship group of 3! Sometimes, God forbid, some of us go on holiday together. It's great.

Very very odd.

so 4 friends getting together isn’t a group?

I don’t know what to say Op. but I’ll take a punt that you aren’t in nor perhaps ever have lived with someone, been in a relationship with, have children?

Don’t have a great Rel with work colleagues?

had a difficult time throughout your school years?

Plenty of people have friendship groups that are just the same as yours OP.

I think a lot of the friendship group dramas on MN are actually cause by dramas in groups that aren't friends. Because if the people were actually friends they would just talk to each other or accept that one party was having a bad day and the normally quite mundane thing would be sorted in about 2 seconds.

In the typical MN friendship group drama it's entirely impossible for anyone to talk to anyone and you must instead analyse 4 word text messages or decide the friend must hate you because they read your WhatsApp message 10 minutes ago and haven't replied yet. And whenever anyone suggests talking to each other it's met with a shriek of horror as if it was the weirdest thing ever.

This is all that people generally mean when they talk about friendship groups. It's not like a club you have to join.

If all you're saying is that you wouldn't like to fall out with your friends (and as far as I can tell that is all you're saying) then sure.