I Hate "Friendship Groups"

[ImJustMadAboutSaffron]

Every time I read threads about these on here, I cringe at the thoughts of forced jollity, angst, oneupmanship and competitiveness, falling out, too many people compromising and jealousy and people being forced together who might have zero in common, especially when it involves doing things as groups of couples. Too like Cold Feet. Going on holiday in a "group" horrifies me and it implies "membership" that I hate the idea of. Is there anything positive?

I don't subscribe to friendship groups at all, though I do have a number of friends I do things with at times that could be classed as a group because there are more than two of us at that time, but never closely defined as that. I have:

Three close university friends that I meet together, two local, one not so much, and sometimes a friend of each of them comes out with us, sometimes not.

Another pair of friends (now one of these can be caustic at times) who I met at 19 and who were friends before I came on the scene, we meet for a meal every three or four weeks. There was another woman originally but she drifted away and we only send Christmas cards now

Three other friends I meet regularly for meals and nights out, two lived near me and the other is a friend of one of them. Another friend of another of them sometimes joins us.

Then I have other friends I know individually, and through them I've met other people. I think the only time all of these got together in one place was for my (delayed for Covid) 40th.

None of these have ever involved partners on nights out or holidays, unless it has been a specific event such as a New Year party or a birthday. We would never ever consider ourselves a "friendship group". I consider myself lucky to have escaped all the angst.

The thought of group dynamics has me running screaming for the hills.

I do think you are trying to be superior, but that aside again, what is your AIBU?

See I get the difference between people who only want to meet 1-1 and not combine friends into groups. I'd always assumed anyone that had time for me but seemed reluctant to introduce me to other friends simply didn't like me that much so that was quite insightful hearing the other side.

Other than that I don't get the difference. More than 2 people that meet up reasonably frequently are a group. There must be some people who do have a very rigid concept of a group and with rules and become dramatic when they think the rules have been broken. I just think that's the exception for adults and not the norm.

Some people call a group of people who are friends, a friendship group. Others just call them friends.

I like a being part of a group of friends but the term 'friendship group' makes me cringe every time- we're not 12 years old!

Yes that's what I mean, as if it implies membership and rules. I've got around 12 really close friends, a few others who aren't so close since they had children but we're still friends, and then other people I know from book clubs, work and the gym who I would class as friendly acquaintances, I guess. I've been on holiday with some of them at different times in different quantities. I've never considered any of it a "friendship group". It's my circle of friends with whom I do stuff at times in different permutations.

Thats what most people are like surely? Don’t know any adults in an official “group” with rules etc. Do you mean like the Pink Ladies in Grease?!

Ha ha yes! Or the groups of couples in Cold Feet.

You do like referring to cold feet don’t you?! 😂

.....but you still haven't explained the difference between a 'circle' and 'group' of friends, according to you definitions.

So why not start a thread "Why do people stay friends with people they don't like?" ......... which is what you are talking about here, (and is actually a good question) rather than saying you "hate friendship groups", when clearly that is daft, and also, not what you mean.

You do like searching my posts and having a personal pop, don't you?

I honestly think you need to take some time off the internet.

Of course you only hear about the bad things on here, a post about how a group of friends had a nice day out and saw seven beagles is hardly going to gather momentum. Same on the relationship board, people only come to post about the shit, rarely the good. People love drama and controversy, so that's what does best and gets seen most. A vast majority of friendship groups are just people who met and spend time together because they like eachother, drama free.

If your feathers are this ruffled by a turn of phrase (that incidentally very clearly does describe you and your friends, whether you like it or not), the internet may not be the place for you.

But it could be even more specific

because the Op is basing her view on threads she’s read on mumsnet!

I think you only hear about friendship groups with issues because no-one comes here to post "Just had a great night out with my <insert here> friendship group and it was fab. Nice meal. Good catch up and chatter. Great fun and lots of laughs. Husband has just picked me up and I'm bit tipsy. Might have some cheese on toast when I get home. Any Mumsnet advice on my very enjoyable, thoroughly normal friendship group night out?"

You have a friendship group OP, you just didn't know until now.

I'd never really been part of groups until relatively recently, but since DH's death I seem to have acquired some thatbhave been wonderful for me. Some I'm at the centre of, some I'm more on the fringes of.

When I was younger, I'd be hurt if I wasn't included in something, now I take a more positive view and am glad to be included when I am.

I look do a lot more of the organising, which automatically means things are how I like them/I'm included. Again when I was younger I'd have seen this as me doing all the legwork, but I've realised everyone brings something to the group, some make things happen, some are the life and soul, some are the one people turn to for emotional support, others are always good for a favour.

Next time you get together with your three university friends Op

i would love to know their response if you said
“we have been friends for many years and four of us get together and socialise but we are not a “friendship group” are we?”

expect tumbleweed and quizzical expressions!

"Yes that's what I mean, as if it implies membership and rules. I've got around 12 really close friends, a few others who aren't so close since they had children but we're still friends, and then other people I know from book clubs, work and the gym who I would class as friendly acquaintances, I guess. I've been on holiday with some of them at different times in different quantities. I've never considered any of it a "friendship group". It's my circle of friends with whom I do stuff at times in different permutations."

I get you. 'Group' suggests something specific and defined and has connotations of exclusivity. It strikes me as childish to refer to a 'friendship group'. I have many friends, and I know them from different places. I suppose I could categorise them into 'groups' if I had to (eg wedding tables) but to refer to them as a 'friendship group' just feels infantilising, like some kid's wannabe gang or something. A previous poster had issue with you using the term 'circle of friends' but I do think that is different. That implies the idea of 'moving in the same circles' rather than a defined 'group'.

I’ve never watched cold feet. What are their “rules” for friendship?

I'm in loads of friendships groups, youre probs just a bit sad because you don't have that many friends. It's ok tho

Just goes to show you've not read the posts properly, doesn't it?

I have

Agree

But it's like relationships, people message about the bad stuff not the good.

Imagine me posting
I've just had a weekend away with 5 friends school, we're now early 40s. We had a lovely weekend, one girl cooks for Friday night as we stop nearer to hers and then we have a dinner out Sat night, a few drinks and chill at home. We don't DO much, but just enjoy being together and catching up. 4 of us have kids and the husbands are all proper adults so never any desperate calls from home etc. The whole weekend is so lovely we have a set weekend to do it every year.

AIBU to think I'm so lucky?

It would be an odd thing to post, but it's all true.

Both you and the PP have totally missed this

I've got around 12 really close friends, a few others who aren't so close since they had children but we're still friends, and then other people I know from book clubs, work and the gym who I would class as friendly acquaintances, I guess. I've been on holiday with some of them at different times in different quantities. I've never considered any of it a "friendship group". It's my circle of friends with whom I do stuff at times in different permutations.

Try harder.