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Original poster

I Hate "Friendship Groups"

177 replies

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 05/05/2023 14:13

Every time I read threads about these on here, I cringe at the thoughts of forced jollity, angst, oneupmanship and competitiveness, falling out, too many people compromising and jealousy and people being forced together who might have zero in common, especially when it involves doing things as groups of couples. Too like Cold Feet. Going on holiday in a "group" horrifies me and it implies "membership" that I hate the idea of. Is there anything positive?

I don't subscribe to friendship groups at all, though I do have a number of friends I do things with at times that could be classed as a group because there are more than two of us at that time, but never closely defined as that. I have:

Three close university friends that I meet together, two local, one not so much, and sometimes a friend of each of them comes out with us, sometimes not.

Another pair of friends (now one of these can be caustic at times) who I met at 19 and who were friends before I came on the scene, we meet for a meal every three or four weeks. There was another woman originally but she drifted away and we only send Christmas cards now

Three other friends I meet regularly for meals and nights out, two lived near me and the other is a friend of one of them. Another friend of another of them sometimes joins us.

Then I have other friends I know individually, and through them I've met other people. I think the only time all of these got together in one place was for my (delayed for Covid) 40th.

None of these have ever involved partners on nights out or holidays, unless it has been a specific event such as a New Year party or a birthday. We would never ever consider ourselves a "friendship group". I consider myself lucky to have escaped all the angst.

The thought of group dynamics has me running screaming for the hills.

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 05/05/2023 14:56

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 05/05/2023 14:54

If you had read my posts you would know I do not have "shit friends". I am not complaining about my friends! I was discussing, or trying to discuss, the concept of being in a "group" which from reading a lot of posts here conjurs up Lord of the Flies.

But when does a group become a group?

Why are three friends life enriching while 10 are Lord of the Flies? it just seems a bit arbitrary.

TwoCoffeesPlease · 05/05/2023 14:57

Hard disagree I’m afraid.

I was always in a friendship group at school and uni and I lost that as a young adult.

Since moving in 2021 my fiancé and I have reconnected with some friends who have also all moved back to the area and for the first time as an adult I have a friendship group again. I love the sense of belonging and companionship. I didn’t realise how much I missed it when I was only meeting individual friends.

BeverlyHa · 05/05/2023 14:58

I am like that and i know myself and do not sign to any what's app groups. Nope. None. Or am looking for groups. Hobbies, classes, choirs yes ....plus I have a very great church and the love is so much, it is instant friendship

Tinybrother · 05/05/2023 15:00

Is this one of those situations where the OP is feeling all superior about having excluded themselves from something they perceive as silly and beneath them, but actually they are living in almost exactly the same way as most other people and are completely normal and boring like the rest of us?

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 05/05/2023 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I have used the word group in that context to refer to a group Whatsapp, ie there are several people in the WhatsApp conversation. We do not consider ourselves a group.

It's pretty childish of you though to go searching my earlier posting history in order to personally attack me, isn't it?

OP posts:
Bamboozleme · 05/05/2023 15:01

This reply has been deleted

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arethereanyleftatall · 05/05/2023 15:03

Tinybrother · 05/05/2023 15:00

Is this one of those situations where the OP is feeling all superior about having excluded themselves from something they perceive as silly and beneath them, but actually they are living in almost exactly the same way as most other people and are completely normal and boring like the rest of us?

I don't think so, I think it's one of those situations where the op has never been asked to be in one, so absolutely definitely does not want to be in one anyway.

Tinybrother · 05/05/2023 15:06

Is anybody really asked to be in particular group of friends? I’ve never had that. Or do you mean being asked to go on holiday together?

Original poster
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 05/05/2023 15:06

whodawhodaeho · 05/05/2023 14:56

You have a bizarre idea of friendship. I don’t fall out or have drama with friends, not one on one and not in groups.

Neither do I and I have never said that I have. I asked this question based on a number of posts I'd seen on Mumsnet about friendship groups. Nothing to do with my own personal circumstances or my friends.

OP posts:
IAmTheWalrus85 · 05/05/2023 15:08

I’ve never really been in a group of friends, I’ve always only really had individual friendships. I think that’s just because I struggle a bit in group situations and am much better one on one.

thecatsthecats · 05/05/2023 15:09

I get it.

I'm a member of several groups, but really of course there's a huge difference with my comfort level with the various members. And you can't ditch the ones you don't like :D

Everyone agrees that the dynamic changes when you add someone, but that's true of the basic group too. Two of a group of four especially dominate our get togethers, and although I can butt in, my best friend of the group gets squished out, so I see least of my favourite person!

FlounderingFruitcake · 05/05/2023 15:13

This is actually mental. The only way you don’t have ‘friendship groups’ or ‘groups of friends’ if you prefer, is if you have no friends or only individual friends you see 1:1. You have several uni friends and you meet up together? Then you have a friendship group. It’s not a bad thing and it’s not toxic unless you’re friends with the wrong people.

TheDogsArse · 05/05/2023 15:13

We’re going away for the weekend with our friendship group. 🤣

Its mainly people we were at uni with and we’ve remained close to for 20 odd years. A few new partners have been added, not so new now. A couple of people are part of it from other things that me, my partner or others in the group have been part of. No fallings out or competitiveness, just a solid group of friends. Our kids are good friends too and it’s just really nice to have. We do see each other in smaller groups to but it’s great when we all get together.

MammaTo · 05/05/2023 15:16

Coffeeandbourbons · 05/05/2023 14:49

Absolutely. It’s like a child going ‘well I didn’t WANT to go to the park anyway’.

My female friends are incredibly precious to me, they’re 99% as dear to me as my own sisters.

They’ve enriched my life completely, and are an oasis in the madness that is adulting (in part because we’ve been friends since we were in secondary school and have a lot of shared memories and history). I don’t ‘revert’ back to being a teenager when I’m with them, but they make me feel younger and it’s lovely having people around who have known me through all stages of my life.

Show quote history

Same!! It’s lovely going through life together, sharing each others ups and downs. Getting to know each others families, parents etc - I personally love it.

ShirleyPhallus · 05/05/2023 15:21

Thepeopleversuswork · 05/05/2023 14:39

OMG I totally agree. It's so bizarre.

I've never encountered this anywhere else in life.

Bit of a derail from the OP's point maybe but there is thread after thread on here about how people "hate friends" and "hate people" and "will never bother with friends again". Like it's some sort of badge of honour to be socially inept, pathologically introverted and totally unbending in your demands.

Also the worrying coda to these threads is that there's always, invariably a "little family" in the background which the OP would prefer to spend time with. Which is code for: "my husband is a bit lame and paranoid and doesn't like me going out so I have sacked off all my female friends and I'm trying to justify it." Really depressing.

Female friendships are one of the best gifts in life. Lose or undervalue them at your peril.

Show quote history

Absolutely agree.

I also await someone on the thread describing friendship groups as “cliques” and saying how awful other people are because they speak to one another at the school gate but never expressly speak to the poster (who incidentally also never speaks to them). Not that they want to because friendships are awful. But if they did want to then they couldn’t. Because the onus is on the awful clique to speak to the poster and it’s entirely unreasonable to expect them to strike up conversation

TheMoops · 05/05/2023 15:24

JeanBodel · 05/05/2023 14:19

You'd hate ours, we have a name. And t-shirts. And we holiday together every year. It gives us a lot of joy.

Ooooh us too!
Although we don't have t shirts yet. We do have our own personalised cups though.

We have shared holiday paraphernalia and spend major holidays and events together. We joke that it's only a matter of time before we buy a house together 😂😂

Our name is an amalgamation of our surnames and DS genuinely thought that was our name until he was 5.

UsingChangeofName · 05/05/2023 15:27

ShirleyPhallus · 05/05/2023 14:33

Posters being competitive about not having any friends is one of the weirdest things about MN

Female friendships can be a really wonderful thing and if you don’t have them, you’re missing out. A group of friends is really brilliant. Group holidays, parties, dinners all together. All great. No drama here.

Completely agree with this.

Posts about one or two spiteful people in their "group" or them being frozen out. One about a husband being awful to his wife and siding with the "group". I don't encounter this.

No, nor do I, but that reflects the posters who are in this position, enough to start a thread about their issues, not all the rest of the population who have groups of friends they actually get on with, and like spending time with.
It doesn't mean "groups of friends" are like that, per se.

I also agree with the poster who said something about groups evolving. It is normal and natural as you go through life for some people to drift away and others to join a group of friends.

Hoollaaahooops · 05/05/2023 15:29

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Thepeopleversuswork · 05/05/2023 15:37

@ShirleyPhallus

I also await someone on the thread describing friendship groups as “cliques” and saying how awful other people are because they speak to one another at the school gate but never expressly speak to the poster (who incidentally also never speaks to them). Not that they want to because friendships are awful. But if they did want to then they couldn’t. Because the onus is on the awful clique to speak to the poster and it’s entirely unreasonable to expect them to strike up conversation

of course, the dreaded "school gate mums" and their dastardly plot to undermine family values by daring to go for drinks with one another while failing to smile at the OP.

honeyimstillfree · 05/05/2023 15:39

but literally no one is forcing you to join a ‘friendship group’ so… Confused

thaegumathteth · 05/05/2023 15:52

This thread is all kinds of bizarre.

The facts are that you do have friendship groups because you have friends who meet up in a group.

You don't want to call them friendship groups because .... you think it's cringey and uncool?

Then don't. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Daffodilmorning · 05/05/2023 15:55

I’m so confused… what you’re describing are friendship groups.

Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 05/05/2023 16:09

You sound utterly bonkers. You don’t have to call yourself a group to be a group! It’s just more than 2 people I would say! What an odd thing to even think about let alone post about!! As another poster said, it isn’t the group that’s an issue it’s the people in it.. people can be weird..

WhatFlavourIsIt · 05/05/2023 16:11

I think most friend groups rub along quite nicely. The 'issues' posted about here are because someone is unfortunate to have a drama lama in their circle and I suspect the said drama lama is probably them.

TheShellBeach · 05/05/2023 16:15

I don't understood this thread.
Is the OP happy to have friends or not?

Swipe left for the next trending thread