I Hate "Friendship Groups"

[ImJustMadAboutSaffron]

Every time I read threads about these on here, I cringe at the thoughts of forced jollity, angst, oneupmanship and competitiveness, falling out, too many people compromising and jealousy and people being forced together who might have zero in common, especially when it involves doing things as groups of couples. Too like Cold Feet. Going on holiday in a "group" horrifies me and it implies "membership" that I hate the idea of. Is there anything positive?

I don't subscribe to friendship groups at all, though I do have a number of friends I do things with at times that could be classed as a group because there are more than two of us at that time, but never closely defined as that. I have:

Three close university friends that I meet together, two local, one not so much, and sometimes a friend of each of them comes out with us, sometimes not.

Another pair of friends (now one of these can be caustic at times) who I met at 19 and who were friends before I came on the scene, we meet for a meal every three or four weeks. There was another woman originally but she drifted away and we only send Christmas cards now

Three other friends I meet regularly for meals and nights out, two lived near me and the other is a friend of one of them. Another friend of another of them sometimes joins us.

Then I have other friends I know individually, and through them I've met other people. I think the only time all of these got together in one place was for my (delayed for Covid) 40th.

None of these have ever involved partners on nights out or holidays, unless it has been a specific event such as a New Year party or a birthday. We would never ever consider ourselves a "friendship group". I consider myself lucky to have escaped all the angst.

The thought of group dynamics has me running screaming for the hills.

@Worriedmotheroftwo That is exactly it yes. I read a post where a woman was upset about something to do with another couple and she said she and her husband are part of a group of 8. I'd look at that as my husband and I have six other friends.

I went out last weekend with two friends, the previous weekend with three people, which was just me and some friends, not a friendship group that feels too defined for me.

What's odd is that people don't read properly too. I've been called sad because I don't have many friends which isn't true as can be seen from my posts. Not sure which definition of sad they meant either!

I still have no idea what you’re getting at. Your description of your friendships sounds like that of everyone I know, it sounds normal and average. You are picking out some feature of friendships (from tv? I’ve never seen cold feet so not sure of the significance of the friendships there but surely it is an artificial setup) that I haven’t observed.

Yes op there are a few people who seem to ONLY socialise in a group of X and they always all invite each other to everything even tho some of them only see each other because of the group.

But you're extrapolating a LOT from a minority of situations.

In most cases, group merely defined how you met. I have a group of friends from school. I have a group of friends from Uni. They're quite capable of mixing, did for my wedding etc. but if we were arranging a catch up, it would be odd to invite people outside of the particular group. But I also see those friends individually or in smaller groups, or if its for the kids parties etc I'll see some with friends from my kids school and my cousin etc.

So your "I'm so glad I just have friends not a group of friends" just comes across as odd.

Your opinion isn't a fact.

YABU to criticise something that has no effect on your life whatsoever. Why does it bother you so that other people like different things to you?
I don't have any 'friendship groups'. I did have when I was young but they tended to be my 'only' friends at that stage of my life. I sometimes wish I did have an adult friendship group but I'm single so that so I don't tend to do stuff with other couples and none of my friends know each other. I tend to do different things with different people.
But whatever I do or don't do I've never concerned myself with other people's choices.

Why was that post deleted?

Cool, you do you! I have a couple of friendship groups and they're both an absolute joy. There's never been drama. I love how stimulating it is to have a variety of people in one place, all of whom I enjoy being with - sometimes splitting into intimate one to one conversations sometimes having a loud jokey group conversation. When one person is a bit down everyone else can rally round. My kids love it when either group is together, there a range of age children in both and all the adults take an interest in them. I find being in a friendship group SO much less intense and pressured than being in a friendship with one other person.

I've not said I want to be, or am, in a friendship with one other person????

But I never said you did! I literally just said that I prefer friendship groups to one to one friendships. . . . because we were all having a discussion about friendship groups . . . that you started . . . so I gave one of the advantages as I see it of friendship groups versus friendship not in a group. Matey, if you were in a friendship group I suspect you might be the one bringing the drama 😂

You sound like that bloke on Endeavour, matey. There's no drama other than what I read on here in several posts leading me to ask if people thought I was unreasonable for hating the concept of friendship groups ...

"So your "I'm so glad I just have friends not a group of friends" just comes across as odd."

Eh? Did she say that? Are you quoting her? Struggling to find it!

I went out last weekend with two friends, the previous weekend with three people, which was just me and some friends, not a friendship group that feels too defined for me

Yes yes yes exactly! I totally get you.

I mean, Ive recently seen multiple threads on MN about women's husbands cheating on them, I dont then extrapolate from that there is no point in getting married because cheating is inevitable.

Just because you've seen a few threads about bitchy friendship groups doesnt mean that they are ALL like that- surely you do realise that people only post when something dramatic is happening in their lives? Noone is going to post about their perfectly happy, no drama, friendship group because there is nothing particularly noteworthy for anyone to comment about that is there?

Your post comes across as a bit smug to me, as if you think you're somehow superior because you dont have a "friendship group".

Right.. and your point is?

My point was to have a discussion. I'd somehow got the idea from a lot of conversations on this board that groups implied membership, and there has been a lot of posts about worrying about group membership, upsetting the group and so on. This is not something that has happened in my life, and I found it alien.

I saw a post this morning on the relationships board "Lost Friendship Because I Refused Sex" which referred to a "group", not one I would like to be a member of!

It seems like you just massively misunderstand normal social dynamics and conventions.

No adult friendship groups involve membership or rules. I honestly can't see how you view the world like that.

This is the age old 'i'm in a friendship circle but other people are in a clique'.

No I haven't misunderstood any social dynamics, at least not in my own personal experience with my own friends. I have lots of really good friends but whenever we meet we don't refer to ourselves as a "friendship group". In all my 42 years I've never referred to this and there are no problems with any dynamics amongst my friends, no leaders or followers, no queen bees or toxic masculinity (well one friend's husband, but he's an anomaly).

I thought (until I saw the posts and definitions on MN) that a friendship group was a constructed thing, rather like the groups my grandma goes to. She goes to a "friendship club" and they go on outings etc.

I'm not in a friendship circle or a clique. I have several friends (I suppose I could call them my circle of friends, or a list of friends if you like), and like others, acquaintances and people I meet regularly ie book groups, gym, history group etc. The only defined groups are the book groups.

Last weekend I went to a friend's house to watch Charles's coronation concert. Two other close friends (of both myself and the host) were there along with two friends of the host, who know each other but aren't friends. That isn't a friendship group, that's a few mates and friends of friends getting together.

The posts I read on Mumsnet, and which made me think, are about "I feel invisible in my 2 friendship groups" which elicited a response on the lines of groups can behave in primitive ways and some contain alpha people who everyone will consider and follow. This is what I was attempting to have a discussion about. This is alien to me, and feels very bizarre to read about. Another poster asked AIBU to find friend groups toxic. None of my friends are toxic, but there is no herd mentality amongst any of us.

My OP didn't mean that I hate meeting up with people in a group "group being simply a collective noun, not a defined group) or that I'm unsociable. It's the construct of groups that I was questioning. Thankfully there are lots of people willing to discuss.

I have lots of really good friends but whenever we meet we don't refer to ourselves as a "friendship group". In all my 42 years I've never referred to this

It is just a difference in language use, in the same way some people say
can you pass my cuppa....... but others say
can you pass my tea
can you pass my drink
can you pass my brew
can you pass my mug
etc etc

I thought (until I saw the posts and definitions on MN) that a friendship group was a constructed thing, rather like the groups my grandma goes to. She goes to a "friendship club" and they go on outings etc.

So, wouldn't it have been simpler to say "Oh, I've completely misunderstood that then" earlier on, rather than arguing with everyone for so long ?

I mean, when I was working with children in Primary school, we used something called "Circle of friends" to help those who needed support with their social skills and play skills. But I didn't think that's what you were referring to when you talk about your circle of friends. It seems obvious from the context. I can't understand why it isn't obvious from the context that none of these threads are talking about your Granma's social club.

i reject the term “circle of friends” because I never ever sit in a circle with my friends

Hello again. I mean I think it’s fair to assume that most people would not want to feel that declining sex would lead to a friendship ending.. hang on a minute, did I just say that? I’m feeling a bit confused about that as my friendships are not sexual relationships, they are friendships. Maybe that was a swingers group or something. Anyway, moving on I’ve noticed that you talk quite a lot about not liking the idea of membership. Personally I think having a sense of belonging and membership can be a nice thing, in fact I’d go so far as to suggest that for lots of people it is probably very important for their mental health. Of course belonging to a group will have the odd complication. I’m in a WhatsApp group which I adore. There’s four of us. Occasionally someone might bother someone else with a view expressed but it passes quickly, there is an acceptance that we can hold different opinions and still be good for and to each other and it brings me comfort and joy. We also have a Code red separate group. Same 4 people but in an emergency we can messsge on the code red group and someone will always reply. We all agree It is really reassuring. I’m in a choir where I’m sure there are dynamics at play, but I am unaware of them and I keep it simple, pitch up, smile, quick chat snd sing and off I pop. Membership of any group may mean a bit of ebb and flow, but does not have to mean drama, but of course groups aren’t for everyone. Cynicism, fear and being aloof can in my view can sometimes get in the way of the simple joy of spending time with more than one other human being. We are meant to be together, interconnected no woman is an island.

I take the word group to simplify posting for people

Work group, school group, hobby group

To me just means the friends are from work, school or the persons hobby

I don't see some complicated thing in it, sure people over complicate issues but in general the word group to me is not

@Hummingbird10 I "belong" to several book groups, a gym and a history group. These are different from friendship "groups" though.

Exactly why I've never done it. I have four close friends one for 34 years. None of them know each other as met the others at different places since I was 18.

No bitchiness or difficulty works brilliantly