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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I Hate "Friendship Groups"

177 replies

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 05/05/2023 14:13

Every time I read threads about these on here, I cringe at the thoughts of forced jollity, angst, oneupmanship and competitiveness, falling out, too many people compromising and jealousy and people being forced together who might have zero in common, especially when it involves doing things as groups of couples. Too like Cold Feet. Going on holiday in a "group" horrifies me and it implies "membership" that I hate the idea of. Is there anything positive?

I don't subscribe to friendship groups at all, though I do have a number of friends I do things with at times that could be classed as a group because there are more than two of us at that time, but never closely defined as that. I have:

Three close university friends that I meet together, two local, one not so much, and sometimes a friend of each of them comes out with us, sometimes not.

Another pair of friends (now one of these can be caustic at times) who I met at 19 and who were friends before I came on the scene, we meet for a meal every three or four weeks. There was another woman originally but she drifted away and we only send Christmas cards now

Three other friends I meet regularly for meals and nights out, two lived near me and the other is a friend of one of them. Another friend of another of them sometimes joins us.

Then I have other friends I know individually, and through them I've met other people. I think the only time all of these got together in one place was for my (delayed for Covid) 40th.

None of these have ever involved partners on nights out or holidays, unless it has been a specific event such as a New Year party or a birthday. We would never ever consider ourselves a "friendship group". I consider myself lucky to have escaped all the angst.

The thought of group dynamics has me running screaming for the hills.

OP posts:
littleripper · 05/05/2023 17:58

I know exactly what you mean OP

Dwightlovesmichael · 05/05/2023 17:58

A group of friends has never happened for me.

I didn’t have friends at school, but I made a few at work and as a parent when I was older.

Always single friends though, not a group. They mainly had groups of friends they had spoken about but they were already established, so I was never introduced to them.

I’ve tried getting people together over the years but it never seems to gel. People are always polite, but they all have their own friends so don’t seem to want to know anymore if you see what I mean.

I’ve always felt like I’m on the outside.

Dwightlovesmichael · 05/05/2023 17:59

Not that I have friends anymore. House moves have turned me into billy no mates 🤣

Ontheperiphery79 · 05/05/2023 19:29

I have friends scattered all over the world, but never been part of a long term friendship group, although I have long term friends.
I was at 11 schools and led a peripatetic lifestyle 'till I had children and was never around long enough to connect within a group of people.
I've got nothing against friendship groups and think it would be lovely to have been part of one, warts and all. But, I know I have a lot people who are rooting for me in life, so I think I'm okay with how things have turned out.

mondaytosunday · 05/05/2023 19:41

I have a few friendship groups. None of them resemble what you describe. They are just separate groups - one from work that I've known for 30 plus years, one group I met from the school gates (and our kids are 19/20 so surviving well beyond), one from where I live. There's no gossip or backbiting or jealousy etc. There's no 'membership'. Plenty of times when a group gets together people being along a friend and it's fine. We are mature grownups after all.

Whoknewiwouldlovethedog · 06/05/2023 06:07

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Whoknewiwouldlovethedog · 06/05/2023 06:07

This thread is the odd at I have ever come across on mumsnet.

OP: I have 3 friends from university and we get together

also OP: i hate friendship groups and I don’t have any

JandalsAlways · 06/05/2023 06:09

greennotepad · 05/05/2023 14:16

Also if "forced jollity, angst, oneupmanship and competitiveness, falling out, too many people compromising and jealousy" is what springs to mind when you think of friends, I'd suggest getting new ones.

Yes, or change your definition of 'friend'

AllHopeandRainbows · 06/05/2023 07:43

greennotepad · 05/05/2023 14:16

Also if "forced jollity, angst, oneupmanship and competitiveness, falling out, too many people compromising and jealousy" is what springs to mind when you think of friends, I'd suggest getting new ones.

💯 this! I think you have the wrong friends 😅

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 06/05/2023 07:49

AllHopeandRainbows · 06/05/2023 07:43

💯 this! I think you have the wrong friends 😅

It's not about my friends for Christ's sake as I've repeatedly said.

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 06/05/2023 07:52

I'm in a friendship group of 6 of us and have been for 20 years. We go on holiday together once a year. We've never had a major falling out, there's no politics, we just like spending time together. It isn't odd.

fortnumsfinest · 06/05/2023 08:03

Op I'm not sure what your AIBU is?
All i can see from your original post is that you have groups of friends that you see regularly but you "cringe" at other people having friendship groups.
What makes your groups, and you can't possibly say meeting three other friends is not meeting in a group, so superior to others?

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 06/05/2023 08:08

Oysterbabe · 06/05/2023 07:52

I'm in a friendship group of 6 of us and have been for 20 years. We go on holiday together once a year. We've never had a major falling out, there's no politics, we just like spending time together. It isn't odd.

I'm maybe overthinking the terminology here. I was prompted to write this after posts like:

The 'group' booked a holiday/meal/minibreak and didn't ask me, what do I do?

One person in the group is catty to me/someone else

My husband mollifies the group and doesn't care how I feel

There's a queen bee in the group and she's in charge and we don't like her really

I always go along with things I don't want to do for the sake of the group

Etc etc

Like you I've not had these things crop up.with friends. It all seemed so defined and organised.

OP posts:
DucksNewburyport · 06/05/2023 08:09

I have my uni friends, my local friends, my DH's uni friends and a group of ex colleagues that I'm still in touch with. These are all friendship groups and even involve WhatsApp groups! All fab, no angst, love my friends.

Whoknewiwouldlovethedog · 06/05/2023 08:10

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 06/05/2023 08:08

I'm maybe overthinking the terminology here. I was prompted to write this after posts like:

The 'group' booked a holiday/meal/minibreak and didn't ask me, what do I do?

One person in the group is catty to me/someone else

My husband mollifies the group and doesn't care how I feel

There's a queen bee in the group and she's in charge and we don't like her really

I always go along with things I don't want to do for the sake of the group

Etc etc

Like you I've not had these things crop up.with friends. It all seemed so defined and organised.

It’s like you live your life and your opinions are entirely based on… mumsnet threads

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 06/05/2023 08:11

fortnumsfinest · 06/05/2023 08:03

Op I'm not sure what your AIBU is?
All i can see from your original post is that you have groups of friends that you see regularly but you "cringe" at other people having friendship groups.
What makes your groups, and you can't possibly say meeting three other friends is not meeting in a group, so superior to others?

Please stop suggesting I'm trying to be superior. No need for it. I simply prefer a looser definition.

OP posts:
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 06/05/2023 08:16

DucksNewburyport · 06/05/2023 08:09

I have my uni friends, my local friends, my DH's uni friends and a group of ex colleagues that I'm still in touch with. These are all friendship groups and even involve WhatsApp groups! All fab, no angst, love my friends.

There's no drama with my friends either. Of course we arrange going out on WhatsApp too. I was surprised when I read posts on Mumsnet about friendship group problems as I've not encountered any of it but it seems there's a lot of it about.

OP posts:
Whoknewiwouldlovethedog · 06/05/2023 08:17

I simply prefer a looser definition.

I “simply prefer” apples to pears, but I wouldn’t start a thread about how I “hate” those that do prefer pears to apples

Whoknewiwouldlovethedog · 06/05/2023 08:20

about friendship group problems as I've not encountered any of it

so you do have friendship groups?

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 06/05/2023 08:21

Whoknewiwouldlovethedog · 06/05/2023 08:17

I simply prefer a looser definition.

I “simply prefer” apples to pears, but I wouldn’t start a thread about how I “hate” those that do prefer pears to apples

Well I chose to start a thread. I also didn't say I hated "those" as in people.

OP posts:
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 06/05/2023 08:22

Whoknewiwouldlovethedog · 06/05/2023 08:20

about friendship group problems as I've not encountered any of it

so you do have friendship groups?

You've not understood the post you're quoting, have you?

OP posts:
PurpleParrotfish · 06/05/2023 08:25

As with MILs, people tend to post about their friends on MN only when there are issues. OP has therefore concluded from reading MN that groups of friends must inevitably involve drama and bitchiness.

It’s a bit like taking soap operas as your only source of information for the concept of ‘neighbours’.

”I’m so glad I don’t have neighbours.”
”What about Mr and Mrs Smith next door?”
”They aren’t neighbours! We don’t go to the same pub every night, have a shared network of acquaintances going back generations, or have big failings out in the street. They’re just people who live next door.”

Whoknewiwouldlovethedog · 06/05/2023 08:27

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Whoknewiwouldlovethedog · 06/05/2023 08:29

* I don't consider it a group in that sense.*

why? What makes you and three friends getting together not a group of friends? What specifically?

Dollmeup · 06/05/2023 08:34

I think I get where you are coming from op, I haven't had a "friendship group" since high school. I'm just not that sort of person, I like having a proper 1:1 catch up with my friends.

However I've gone with yabu as I think lots of people like having a few close friends who do things together and find it fun.

Each to their own.