I Hate "Friendship Groups"

[ImJustMadAboutSaffron]

Every time I read threads about these on here, I cringe at the thoughts of forced jollity, angst, oneupmanship and competitiveness, falling out, too many people compromising and jealousy and people being forced together who might have zero in common, especially when it involves doing things as groups of couples. Too like Cold Feet. Going on holiday in a "group" horrifies me and it implies "membership" that I hate the idea of. Is there anything positive?

I don't subscribe to friendship groups at all, though I do have a number of friends I do things with at times that could be classed as a group because there are more than two of us at that time, but never closely defined as that. I have:

Three close university friends that I meet together, two local, one not so much, and sometimes a friend of each of them comes out with us, sometimes not.

Another pair of friends (now one of these can be caustic at times) who I met at 19 and who were friends before I came on the scene, we meet for a meal every three or four weeks. There was another woman originally but she drifted away and we only send Christmas cards now

Three other friends I meet regularly for meals and nights out, two lived near me and the other is a friend of one of them. Another friend of another of them sometimes joins us.

Then I have other friends I know individually, and through them I've met other people. I think the only time all of these got together in one place was for my (delayed for Covid) 40th.

None of these have ever involved partners on nights out or holidays, unless it has been a specific event such as a New Year party or a birthday. We would never ever consider ourselves a "friendship group". I consider myself lucky to have escaped all the angst.

The thought of group dynamics has me running screaming for the hills.

So mumsnet driver your view on friendship groups? This gets odder and odder

Claire's my friend. Katie's my friend. Helen's my friend. We all met at univerrsity. Juliet's Claire's original friend but she's now Katie's, Helen's and mine. Laura went to school with Helen, but she sometimes comes out with all of us. Sometimes just me. Katie had a birthday meal and we all went, so did Chloe, Maggie and Alex who we didn't know. It doesn't make any of us a friendship group.

Sarah, Catherine and Sophie were all friends at school and I met them at university. We're not a group.

I think these are more Venn Diagrams than "groups".

It’s like relationships people only start posts if they are troubled about something . I’m not going to randomly post “my Dh is amazing and my local friendship group are really fun and supportive we are all going to a party on Sat for a good dance” as that would be weird!

Christ.

To answer your 'punt', if it is relevant:

No children.
20+ year relationship I ended 18 months ago.
Excellent working relationship with colleagues.
No problems in school, thanks.

This is a very long winded way of describing a friendship group.

I've only heard the term on here. Never heard it or used it in real life.

But that's how friendship groups are created. It doesn't usually happen as a 'everyone met everyone at the same time' deal...

Posters being competitive about not having any friends is one of the weirdest things about MN

Female friendships can be a really wonderful thing and if you don’t have them, you’re missing out. A group of friends is really brilliant. Group holidays, parties, dinners all together. All great. No drama here.

I'm also confused about how you define a "friendship group" if a group of three people who are friends doesn't meet that definition.

Any group of people who know each other well and do things together socially will have some undercurrents and dynamics and and sometimes friction and some people within the group will get on better than others. That's an unavoidable part of life and that will be the case whether you're talking about a group of friends from university or the rowing club or the members of the Rolling Stones.

I don't really understand at what point your nice group of three tips over into being a toxic friendship group?

Its a group.
I am not sure why youre fighting this definition so strongly.
There is nothing wrong with friendship groups.
Not all of them are dysfunctional or have drama!

I have a uni friendship group (we even have a name!), and we sometimes meet together, sometimes just some of us, sometimes, its one on one. Were still a group!

I have several friendship groups. Some closer, some less so. Some bigger, some smaller. I have gone on holiday with all those groups, though not necessarily every single person of every single group, as schedules and life happen.

No drama!

I think you've misunderstood it then. It just means "some people who are friends with one another", nothing more than that.

Positive?
Yeah, they're great fun.

OMG I totally agree. It's so bizarre.

I've never encountered this anywhere else in life.

Bit of a derail from the OP's point maybe but there is thread after thread on here about how people "hate friends" and "hate people" and "will never bother with friends again". Like it's some sort of badge of honour to be socially inept, pathologically introverted and totally unbending in your demands.

Also the worrying coda to these threads is that there's always, invariably a "little family" in the background which the OP would prefer to spend time with. Which is code for: "my husband is a bit lame and paranoid and doesn't like me going out so I have sacked off all my female friends and I'm trying to justify it." Really depressing.

Female friendships are one of the best gifts in life. Lose or undervalue them at your peril.

Yes but if you spent most of your life on mumsnet…,

I've got many friends and love spending time with all of them - well, one has a lot of problems and is self-destructive as well as self-centred, but there you go - and I've known the majority of them since I was 18/19. There has been very little drama if any with them. We've all had our problems and issues and been there to support each other through these times, but nobody's ever turned on anyone or tried to divide and conquer. That's what I read about.

Never give up good friends for a man!

I don't know what you are trying to say.

I don't.

But you keep describing 'groups' that you're part of. You don't need to actually call it a friendship group, but that's a pretty accurate generalised description of what you are - a group of friends.

There's no rule saying you have to always meet with all of the group /go on holidays together / invite or not invite partners, and there is no argument from me that it is similar to a venn diagram. Of course it is. Friendships and relationships overlap sometimes. The group may or may not be distinct. I have separate friendship groups but within the same geographical location and therefore there are some overlaps - some parent friends - some work in the same industry - some have the same hobbies - some are my direct neighbours etc etc.
Others will never cross paths unless its via me somehow.

What you read on here, and I know what you're talking about, I would say is not representative of all groups of friends (and I honestly don't know how else you'd describe it) Replies from mnetters, to posts about angsty people for the most part are along the lines of 'if that's how they behave - they are not your friend' . As another poster has pointed out also - people don't post in general if there isn't a problem.

It doesn't have to be that complicated, and for the most part - it isn't. If you don't need to define your friendships as 'groups' that's entirely up to you.

Absolutely. It’s like a child going ‘well I didn’t WANT to go to the park anyway’.

My female friends are incredibly precious to me, they’re 99% as dear to me as my own sisters.

They’ve enriched my life completely, and are an oasis in the madness that is adulting (in part because we’ve been friends since we were in secondary school and have a lot of shared memories and history). I don’t ‘revert’ back to being a teenager when I’m with them, but they make me feel younger and it’s lovely having people around who have known me through all stages of my life.

We have matching tattoos on top of all the above 😂
OP would hate us!!

Although to be fair we are definitely not competitive or bitchy. We are kind and supportive. Maybe you just have shit friends OP?

If you had read my posts you would know I do not have "shit friends". I am not complaining about my friends! I was discussing, or trying to discuss, the concept of being in a "group" which from reading a lot of posts here conjurs up Lord of the Flies.

You have a bizarre idea of friendship. I don’t fall out or have drama with friends, not one on one and not in groups.