MiL won't accept grandchildren conceived using donor sperm

[Motherinlawisanightmare]

Hi
DH and I had to use donor sperm via ivf to create our wonderful family.

MiL has always been insensitive about dh infertility - making comments about brother in law needing to start family and not supporting us through ivf miscarriages etc.

Babies (twins) finally arrived and was very obvious she didn't feel they were her grandchildren. Although legally, due to biology she didnt percieve them to be her sons children and her grandchildren. While holding our precious babies she would continue to ask brother in law when is he going to have babies etc talking to everyone about when he has children what good dad he will be etc. Not ever making real effort with our kids.

Bro in law has split with long term girlfriend and has said children aren't for him. She is "heartbroken" she won't have any grandchildren!

We have spoken to her about these comments. I made it very clear how hurtful they are and that there are two children who adore her so get her act together.

Although I feel now they are 4 years old, and given bro in law situation, she may finally be turning a corner, I am so angry and hurt I just don't know how I will get over all the comments and insensitivity especially some of the comments while I had our gorgeous baby twinnies in my arms and full of joy. I feel she robbed/ tainted some very precious times with the stress she caused.

AIBU? Should I just forgive and forget.

How dare she essentially reject our babies and treat dh horribly for the first 4 years of their life and now act like doting granny as nothing "better" coming!

Don't go out of your way for her to be a granny to the kids because if BIL changes his mind your kids are going to be dropped

That's awful. She needs to cut out those comments, ideally altogether, but at minimum around the children. They're getting to an age where they'll pick up on her negativity and start asking questions. What does your DH say about the situation?

The BiL could make this situation worse. If she begrudgingly accepts your DC as her "only" grandchildren and 5 years down the line he has a child, yours will be ignored and it'll hurt them a lot.

It is odd that , despite her utter reluctance and rejection, you've been pushing your children onto her for 4 years, to the point that they adore her (your words) and now, finally, that she's coming round you've got cold feet.

Work out with your dh what you want and are prepared to tolerate and stick to it.

How does your DH feel about it? Really he's the one who needs to speak to her about it, it's about him and her not respecting his decisions and his choices.

Honestly I think I'd have cut her out long before now. She sounds like a callous cow.

Your poor DH, I can't imagine being so cruel to your child.

So her premise is that unless you share a blood tie you aren't family?

Well she didn't share a blood tie with her husband and his family, so by her logic, she isn't family to them.

She is a bigot. Let her stew. It won't tenderise her, but it's fun to watch. 😈

I wouldn't have even shared the information that it wasn't his biological children, why tell people that.

And yes, if she can't accept the lack of a biological link (that's extremely important some people, though I'm not one of them) then I'd be wary of how this might pan out for your children in the long run. Maybe a pleasant but distant relationship might be best, unless you can see that her feelings really have changed?

I really, really can't understand how you've entertained this horrible woman for the past four years and have actually facilitated a relationship between her and your children. She would have been dead to me, and she wouldn't have been allowed anywhere near my kids.

@@JonahAndTheSnail DH has been in and out of counselling since we started ivf 8 years ago. It's been a hard journey for him and he debated cutting mil out. Went low contact for quite a while - lockdown made it easier! She is a manipulative difficult woman but ultimately he wants his mum in his life. She hasn't made any comments in front of kids for a few months.

Very good points about if bro in law meets new woman and had children. Hadn't thought of that...... it would really hurt dh and I to see her treat his kids differently.

Now I am finally a mum I just don't understand why some mums treat their children like this. I will always be there for my children

How appalling, she really doesn’t deserve your lovely children in her life or their love. Her loss. How sad. I really cannot understand the mentality. Very cruel.

Disgusting comments. Agree with Pp, don’t go out of your way for her because if a ‘genetic’ grandchild turns up at some point, your kids will be dropped. She’s made her true feelings clear.

She’s a lunatic so distance yourself.

@Greenissle because we had to stop going to various events due to ivf appointments and husband was very emotionally upset and told his mother hoping for support!!! Also if you under go this you are told by psychologist the benefits of telling children young - our children already know and have an age appropriate book to prevent the negative consequences in future.

How can you hide that from your parents? Behave.

Oh pack it in

Very wise advice here.

Sorry I would have been NC for that. Seriously, she doesn’t view your DH’s kids as his own and he needs ongoing therapy for that? So so many people are conceived with donors. Fuck her.

Anyway, probably 1 in 10 or whatever the figure is of people from her generation don’t have the parents they think due to affairs/lack of birth control etc.

She is properly evil and your DH would be better going NC. Why are you pushing contact? Your family is better without her. Seriously.

i have the opposite problem that my Mil sees she is related to our child and I am not (donor egg) so she can get fucked too.

How absolutely appalling. We adopted our DC - so no blood relation to anyone in the family - and everyone has loved and accepted them unquestioningly. I was worried about my late mum because she was tricky as hell with a strong interest in genealogy! But to be fair, she came through for us.

I think you’re well within your rights to be outraged and to set whatever terms you want for the relationship.

I’ve just read you said she makes comments in front of the children! I can’t tell you how damaging that is for everyone. They will pick up on that I promise.

Well she can fuck off!

We have adopted children in our wider family and they have always been welcomed in and treated just the same as all the others.

This woman sounds like a total p in the a. I would simply tell her that she must treat your lovely children just the same as biological GC or you will have nothing to do with them. Clear as a bell - no compromises.

If she doesn't, then out she goes! = no contact.

My son is not biologically related to me. I gave birth to him, but he came from my wife’s egg and donor sperm. He is the spitting image of my wife’s side of the family.

Nobody on my side of the family has any issue with the biology. My parents both adore him. If either of them suggested that he wasn’t their real grandchild, I would never allow him to have contact with them (and tbh I would go NC too). I wouldn’t allow him to face that rejection.

You need to cut her out of your kids’ lives, for their sake.

@Motherinlawisanightmare
Honestly, I can't imagine your pain of that situation but I would seriously consider whether your kids have a relationship with her at all tbh.

I’d start calling her “aunty” when you talk to her, and if she asks why, just say well you said you have no grandkids and we have to call you something don’t we ?! ….then distance yourself and the kids fully from this crazy woman. No good will come of her involvement, so save your kids the embarrassment later on of having to be connected to this nasty attention seeker.