MiL won't accept grandchildren conceived using donor sperm

[Motherinlawisanightmare]

Hi
DH and I had to use donor sperm via ivf to create our wonderful family.

MiL has always been insensitive about dh infertility - making comments about brother in law needing to start family and not supporting us through ivf miscarriages etc.

Babies (twins) finally arrived and was very obvious she didn't feel they were her grandchildren. Although legally, due to biology she didnt percieve them to be her sons children and her grandchildren. While holding our precious babies she would continue to ask brother in law when is he going to have babies etc talking to everyone about when he has children what good dad he will be etc. Not ever making real effort with our kids.

Bro in law has split with long term girlfriend and has said children aren't for him. She is "heartbroken" she won't have any grandchildren!

We have spoken to her about these comments. I made it very clear how hurtful they are and that there are two children who adore her so get her act together.

Although I feel now they are 4 years old, and given bro in law situation, she may finally be turning a corner, I am so angry and hurt I just don't know how I will get over all the comments and insensitivity especially some of the comments while I had our gorgeous baby twinnies in my arms and full of joy. I feel she robbed/ tainted some very precious times with the stress she caused.

AIBU? Should I just forgive and forget.

How dare she essentially reject our babies and treat dh horribly for the first 4 years of their life and now act like doting granny as nothing "better" coming!

Just don’t go see her. I wouldn’t and also wouldn’t care about the fall out. Think of what she might say to them. Your duty of care is only to them, not her. If she’s just given free reign to just say whatever the fuck she wants then you need to extricate yourself and your kids out of there.

She just sounds like a cunt to me. Cut her off.

Otherwise you would not have gone through extremely expensive IVF with a random man's sperm, rather than adopting one of the many orphaned babies and children who desperately need a loving family

I think you have gravely misunderstood adoption in the UK in the 21st century. There are no orphaned babies looking for a loving family. There are older, traumatised children who have been removed from parents who are abusive or can't cope due to severe addiction issues. That is not a path for everyone and it has nothing to do with wanting a biological child or not.

YABVU for using the term "twinnies"

Personally I'm on the fence with this situation. I can see it from both sides - to you they absolutely are your children and she's your MIL so it makes no sense to you, of course.
However from MIL's point of view, they're technically not her grandchildren. Not biologically at least. I get that it's really, really hard to hear and likely even worse to accept but ultimately it's MIL's prerogative if she doesn't want to be a grandmother to children who aren't biologically related to her. It's very sad but it's her choice and one I can kind of understand. However I do feel for you & your kids on the other side of it.

I mean it might be the case that she knew her son was infertile? I know my 18 year old wont ever has children, maybe the same situation for the OP's husband

Some people are so callous. I do know that for some people the biological aspect is extremely important - but that gives her no right to behave that way.

Otherwise you would not have gone through extremely expensive IVF with a random man's sperm, rather than adopting one of the many orphaned babies and children who desperately need a loving family

Facepalm

I'll say this very loudly and slowly. Adoption is very difficult. It is not suitable for everyone. There is not an Argos catalogue filled with orphaned babies just waiting to be popped into a trolley. IVF is a medical procedure due to a medical issue. Adoption is not. They cannot be compared in the same way. To do so is incredibly ignorant.

OP, your MIL is an arsehole. I don't know what to suggest to preserve a relationship with her, you're a better woman than me.

Someone I vaguely know once said something deeply offensive about IVF to me. I was newly pregnant with my IVF baby after 5 years of infertility and I was shocked and hurt to my core. It was like a personal attack on me, my values, my precious unborn baby. It was like the 5 years of infertility I'd suffered were meaningless and in some way my own fault. I've never forgotten that moment. It's one of the most personal and emotionally loaded aspects of our lives and we should not feel bad about that. It's hard.

Congratulations on your children ❤️

4 years?!

These are your precious children! Drop this b**ch pronto! I'd have cut contact LONG ago. She doesn't see then as hers so she can F off.
Do not even entertain any of this, just cut out the plague, and live your happy life with your beautiful family you have been blessed with.

Honestly I’d tell her to go fuck herself and keep my children away from her.

i honestly dont understand why you didnt stop this the first time she said it

4 years shes been making comments why would you allow that

Wow. I would ditch her completely- we are not obliged to have relationships with people just because they are family.

The person I feel most sorry for in all this is your poor husband x

I would enjoy your beautiful kids and cut her out totally

I wonder did some of my relatives feel like this about me and my siblings who were adopted. Maybe they felt differently about us but managed not to show it. It never occurred to me that they would but this isn't the only poster saying biology matters and it is ok for someone to not feel related to their son's children if they aren't biologically his. Should I feel differently about my nephews and nieces than DH does because I am not biologically related to mine but he is to his?

I can't be the only adopted adult kind of gobsmacked at some of the responses on this thread. For some people the definition of family seems very very narrow. There isn't a finite amount of love to go around.

OP, I wouldn't have any time for this woman. Wouldn't even be arsed going no contact. Just wouldn't bother with her and I certainly would actively discourage a relationship with your children. Say hello when you see her and don't bother making arrangements to see her. If your dh wants to have a relationship, that's up to him.

She sounds a nasty old witch - fuck her and her stupid & deeply hurtful opinions

My DSIS inlaws were the same sadly and said they didn't accept their adopted child as family. I was outraged. A child is a child and I consider them as absolutely family.

I can’t see anything in the OP’s post to indicate she has been ‘pushing’ the children onto MIL though. A relationship has clearly developed with the children, throughout which, the OP has been acutely aware that should BIL have a family, MIL would drop them without a second thought. And now, four years later, the realisation has dawned that nothing has really changed regarding MIL’s feelings towards the children - the only reason she’s finally accepting things as they are is because BIL doesn’t want children. So no prospect of something ‘better’ coming along.

If I were the OP my ‘cold feet’ would be coming from the fact that MIL is commenting in front of the children themselves. It’s going to get awkward as they get to an age where they understand more, and if the OP isn’t careful, any decision about telling them how they were conceived will be taken out of her hands.

Let her lie in the bed she has made for herself.

She doesn't accept the children you and your DH hold so precious as her grandchildren. That's fine.

Don't let them hear a word spoken against them. They're 4 so they will understand her coldness to them.

Pull back from here. My MIL has a pecking order of GC.
Her DDs are top of the tree
Her DSs come next
Then the adopted DGC.

I think you have been very good with allowing her around your children but now they are 4 year old they will start asking questions and see how awful she is . Personally I would keep contact to a minimum for your children and your husbands sake . She doesn’t deserve any grandchildren love

She hasn't made any comments in front of kids for a few months.

She would have been out of my life from the first comment, let alone the first comment in front of the kids.

If your husband wants to keep a relationship with her then that's up to him, but in your shoes neither my children nor I would have anything to do with her

That’s just awful 😞 . How do you deal with this ?

Honestly I can see her point. She’s not a blood relative. Stop pushing your kids onto her and just let her keep her distance if that’s how she feels.

It may be her prerogative not to accept them as her grandchildren, but it’s definitely not her prerogative to harp on it for four years, causing offence and upset, and then ‘mellow’, simply because there is now no prospect of GC from any other source.

My thoughts exactly! Why keep pushing for her to be involved in your dc’s lives, if you are going to be “angry and hurt” if she does get involved?