MiL won't accept grandchildren conceived using donor sperm

[Motherinlawisanightmare]

Hi
DH and I had to use donor sperm via ivf to create our wonderful family.

MiL has always been insensitive about dh infertility - making comments about brother in law needing to start family and not supporting us through ivf miscarriages etc.

Babies (twins) finally arrived and was very obvious she didn't feel they were her grandchildren. Although legally, due to biology she didnt percieve them to be her sons children and her grandchildren. While holding our precious babies she would continue to ask brother in law when is he going to have babies etc talking to everyone about when he has children what good dad he will be etc. Not ever making real effort with our kids.

Bro in law has split with long term girlfriend and has said children aren't for him. She is "heartbroken" she won't have any grandchildren!

We have spoken to her about these comments. I made it very clear how hurtful they are and that there are two children who adore her so get her act together.

Although I feel now they are 4 years old, and given bro in law situation, she may finally be turning a corner, I am so angry and hurt I just don't know how I will get over all the comments and insensitivity especially some of the comments while I had our gorgeous baby twinnies in my arms and full of joy. I feel she robbed/ tainted some very precious times with the stress she caused.

AIBU? Should I just forgive and forget.

How dare she essentially reject our babies and treat dh horribly for the first 4 years of their life and now act like doting granny as nothing "better" coming!

My dads mother, on the birth of my sister (his second daughter), said "mmm, only real men have sons". Some women are just utter utter cunts.

She is unlikely to be who you want her to be, stop expecting that.

I was thinking that but I suppose the children will know at some time and it isn't healthy to treat it as a dirty secret. I'm not sure what would be the right thing to do. So many ethical dilemmas with donor eggs/sperm/surrogates etc.

In my post I did say I wouldn't behave like the OPs MIL, I would just take a step back.

No, I wouldn’t respect my son for using a sperm donor but I’d obviously have no say in it. He can do what he likes but I don’t have to respect his choices.

Where I'm from the saying goes ' it takes a man to make a girl'.

This makes me so sad. DS is my only child. He is profoundly disabled. I will never get to be a grandparent and I just don't get how anyone can reject a little child like that.

So would you treat the children differently to your other GC? That seems unreasonable as the child/children would have had no say in how they were conceived.

I don’t think anyone has the right to have a child. I think deliberately creating a child that will not be brought up by their biological parents is unethical. It’s always about the adults wants, not the children.

It’s sad if people who would like children can’t conceive with their own eggs/so erm but I don’t think that should mean you just go and buy someone else’s.

She is being idiotic! So many DC are born this way now ,I think ultimately she is being unreasonable.Lots of people have Step DGC as well,they are all family.For your own sake dont dwell on her previous behaviour.She is the one missing out here .I think just stay LC .

OP perhaps you should ask your MIL if she’d have preferred it if you’d cheated on your DH and pretended the babies were his so that she wouldn’t have had to know otherwise. There must be quite a few paternal grandparents who are unwittingly in this situation anyway.

It would change my relationship with my own child. I would expect if my children were the sort of people that would use donors, then we would end up not being close anyway.

I’ve seen someone I love deal with being conceived using a donor egg. She’s part of an online group with other donor conceived people, many who are having a difficult time too. I really couldn’t be ok with it, seeing the impact it’s had.

Because some people are nasty and blame the child(ren) who didn't ask to be born.

It isn't wrong for her to want biological grandchildren though. What is wrong is how she treats her son and how she has behaved towards you and seeing ypur children as less than.Your children aren't biologically her grandchildren but most people are capable of loving people that aren't blood related and familial bonds don't have to be based on just that alone. A normal mum would rejoice in seeing her child get to be a parent and enjoy watching him on this journey.

She's an unpleasant person and if she adds nothing positive to your dh's life then he doesn't have to accept her in it just because she gave birth to him. Ultimately it's up to him if he cuts contact gp goes nc but I wouldn't choose to spend time with her myself.

@TheDogsArse

"In my post I did say I wouldn't behave like the OPs MIL, I would just take a step back." - That would be your loss. It's astonishing that you're prepared to lose your relationship with your child over your socalled 'ethics'.

"I don’t think anyone has the right to have a child.... It’s sad if people who would like children can’t conceive with their own eggs/so erm but I don’t think that should mean you just go and buy someone else’s." - You cannot say that unless you've been in that position yourself, FGS!! Have YOU had fertility issues? Have you had to endure the utter heartbreak?! Walk a mile in someone's shoes and all that... plus in the UK, eggs and sperm are donated, not bought/sold.

I think deliberately creating a child that will not be brought up by their biological parents is unethical. - So is adoption unethical? Are adopted children any less their parents children because they are adopted? How can you say that a donor conceived child will not be growing up with their "biological parents". Even though they are biologically related to one parent?

Good god woman, surely you're old enough and wise enough to realise that family is not just about biology.

To those of you who are criticising the use of a sperm donor, I would say that you have the right to hold such an opinion, but humanity demands that you do not express that in the context of this thread.

To the OP I would say, ignore the prejudiced few and enjoy your lovely children - they are a double blessing - don't give the nay-sayers a moment's thought.

Congratulations on your lovely family - just enjoy!

I agree @TheDogsArse. I don’t think people should be pressured into being part of something they don’t agree with. This thing of having to respect others decisions, I don’t have to respect people if I think they’re doing something I don’t agree with. If my kids do this, I will have to accept the consequences of my views.

I also know someone struggling that they were conceived by donor.

Agree with others. She can think what she wants, but the way she has acted is AWFUL.

If BIL ever has kids, she WILL drop them. Avoid her, she is toxic.

OP, I don’t have a good relationship with my parents which means that my children don’t either.

My parents were abusive to me throughout my childhood. They are also my adoptive parents.

When my first child was just a few weeks old, we had them over for lunch. My father held my daughter and said “grandchildren are the culmination of your life’s work. Your genes, passed on not only to the next generation, but to the next one again”. I don’t know why he said it, but the words are scored onto my heart. I could live 1 million years and never forget that conversation.

My siblings are the biological children of my parents and they adore my nieces and nephews with all the love they simply cannot find for me and my children.

Some people are just that way, OP. You can’t change them.

Congratulations on your beautiful family; against all the odds.

I wouldn’t allow anyone to treat my children like they were second best , if your husband wants a relationship with his mum that is entirely up to him but I wouldn’t be having one and I’d be keeping the kids away as much as possible .

I do think I would feel differently about grandchildren that were not biologically connected to me but would do my absolute best not to show it. It's not wrong for somebody to feel like this but showing it is another matter

Out of interest do you think that would be less the case if it were your daughter and you'd watched her carry the pregnancy?

How utterly awful of your MIL. Obviously this is very unkind to your children, but in a way more so to your poor DH. Why would she want to constantly remind him that they are not his biological children when they are infact very much his children - this must be so hurtful for him.

I don't know what drives people to think this way, and I doubt very much that you will be able to change the way she thinks - I would have cut contact from the off though.

What a shame for your children, and for your DH . Infertility is a very difficult thing to deal with and to accept.
I just wonder how things would have panned out if MIL didn't know they were donor conceived

Here's the thing.

Your children being biologically related to you was by definition INCREDIBLY important to you.

Otherwise you would not have gone through extremely expensive IVF with a random man's sperm, rather than adopting one of the many orphaned babies and children who desperately need a loving family.

And that's OK. It's human instinct to want your children to be genetically related to you.

But for some reason you seem to think it's different for your MIL??? She has the exact same human instinct as you. You even acted on yours yet you think she should not be allowed to even feel the same?

It's just so hypocritical and your self-awareness is low if you can't see it.

Your MIL's only mistake is that she should keep her sadness to herself rather than sharing it with you or your husband or your children. She is being very unreasonable on that front. But FYI even your husband will have sadness that his children are not genetically his. And that's OK as long as he controls and keeps those feelings to himself and is a loving husband/father to his wife/children.

For those who are saying very uneducated and hurtful things re telling her.

Not only was it due to dh needing support but also as I said but now will give more detail you have to be open nowadays or else you cant do treatment

When using a Donor in the UK you have to be okay ed by psychologist. If you disclose you are not prepared to be open you are not allowed to proceed this is because thousands of studies etc show it is better for the children to be open as early as can using age appropriate language.

My dh is a wonderful father. Much better than most friends husbands. He values being a dad!!! The children have a relevant book and already understand it.

Those of you who take the why did you be open about it route wouldn't be allowed to use a donor nowadays and rightly so!

Some of these comments have been very helpful and thought provoking, there cruel. I will no longer be checking this thread. Thanks to those who have been supportive x x

My step-grandson, who thought he was infertile, told us that his partner is going to have a baby. I have not one drop of blood in common with either of them, but nonetheless welled up with tears of joy. Your MIL is an evil, heartless cow. The less contact she has with your children, the better.

Don't let this eat away at you though. Let it go and let her go. There's a saying that goes something like - Anger is the punishment we give ourselves when somebody else does something wrong.

Don’t visit her, let hubby go by himself if he wishes.