MiL won't accept grandchildren conceived using donor sperm

[Motherinlawisanightmare]

Hi
DH and I had to use donor sperm via ivf to create our wonderful family.

MiL has always been insensitive about dh infertility - making comments about brother in law needing to start family and not supporting us through ivf miscarriages etc.

Babies (twins) finally arrived and was very obvious she didn't feel they were her grandchildren. Although legally, due to biology she didnt percieve them to be her sons children and her grandchildren. While holding our precious babies she would continue to ask brother in law when is he going to have babies etc talking to everyone about when he has children what good dad he will be etc. Not ever making real effort with our kids.

Bro in law has split with long term girlfriend and has said children aren't for him. She is "heartbroken" she won't have any grandchildren!

We have spoken to her about these comments. I made it very clear how hurtful they are and that there are two children who adore her so get her act together.

Although I feel now they are 4 years old, and given bro in law situation, she may finally be turning a corner, I am so angry and hurt I just don't know how I will get over all the comments and insensitivity especially some of the comments while I had our gorgeous baby twinnies in my arms and full of joy. I feel she robbed/ tainted some very precious times with the stress she caused.

AIBU? Should I just forgive and forget.

How dare she essentially reject our babies and treat dh horribly for the first 4 years of their life and now act like doting granny as nothing "better" coming!

I wouldn’t be able to get passed her comments in your shoes. I would resent her and resent the stress you said she has caused you. I wouldn’t have allowed her to be granny to the children if she treated the babies that way. And pps are right, if later on BIL has DC your children will likely be pushed aside for them. She knows the difficulties your DH has faced and hurt him with her comments, let her be hurt by the fact she doesn’t have grandkids and don’t care about it yourself. Children don’t ‘need’ grandparents, they need happy parents. I would minimise contact.

Of course you could hide your very private life from others, not everyone lives their lives by 'announcing' everything to all and sundry. I never discussed anything of a private nature with anyone.

I don't share lots of personal info with my family. I know someone will blab and before I know it half the town will know. It's not that I have done anything wrong or shameful, but I want some things kept between those directly involved. I know others feel differently, but I've learned that to my cost that once one too many know you can't take that knowledge back.

You may not have provided the gametes Coldilox, but you shared a blood supply with him, he took calcium from your bones, your hormones and the environment you created for him will have influenced his gene expression - that sounds like a biological relationship to me 😊

Otherwise I agree entirely with every word of your post!

How can you keep going with someone like this for four years?

Protect yourselves and your DT from her by going very low or no contact.

As an IVF mum of 2. I would say to have nothing more to do with her until she apologises profusely for her ignorance. The process is so tough and you only need those who love and support both you, DH and your journey! Best wishes x

He can choose to have her in his life, but I'd advise against you and your children being in her life. Coudl thyat work? He can see her, but you don't? It's your job as parents to protect them from this sort of shite.

Easily, if they are like OP's MIL. You don't have to thell them anything if you don't want to.

Apologies, I missed that Dts were already here -- congratulations! x

All these people saying they should have kept the info secret. Seriously!
It's a big part of who those children are, and as the OP said everyone is encouraged to tell kids this sort of stuff at a young age these days, so it doesn't become a big thing.

Actually it's not that new ... I'm mid 50s and adopted and I don't remember being told, I was so young. Kids take it in their stride.

I'd fuck her off for this. It'll damage your kids as they get older. If she complains tell her she made her opinion clear, she made her bed, she can lie in it.

What a horrible, horrible woman... how very hurtful to her own son.

She doesn't deserve the love and adoration of your two beautiful children. She sounds totally toxic and who knows what she might come out with in future when BIL does have kids, as others have said.

I'd be going totally NC if I were you. Your DH, you and your kids don't need that kind of toxicity in your lives. Focus on the family members who bring support and can share your joy.

Is there a cultural or religious aspect to your MIL's behaviour (doesn't excuse it of course)?

No-one has said that the children shouldn't know, obviously they shoud but not everyone 'shares' the minutae of their private lives with their families, is it a peculiarly MN thing? There were many things about my life that I never 'shared' with my family or anyone, including my husband in some instances.

.... mmmmm actually that's a good question. Doesn't excuse anything, as you say, but might go some way towards explaining her irrational thinking.

She doesn't need to see your kids or be a grandmother then, does she? Protect them and keep her at arms length, annual visits with them (DH is welcome to do as he likes on his own) but her toxicity is bound to get worse.

In my opinion, she knew too much about your DH's infertility and isn't really something that I would have shared, nor information about donor sperm. I say that as she must have had some form for being tactless before all of this.

Nevertheless, who tf does she think she is, royalty?! Having children does not guarantee you grandchildren but she has been blessed with twins.

That is absolutely awful. I would be going minimal contact and just be seeing her at Christmas. I couldn’t forgive someone for acting this way.

Another person saying you should back off from her and should never have fostered a relationship between them once it became clear she wasn't going to see or treat them as family.

The older and more conscious they are, the more vulnerable they are to feeling the rejection from her comments, or the difference in the way she will treat any future grandchildren born to her other son.

You gave her more than enough opportunity to come to her senses. Your primary duty is to protect your children.

I hope I would welcome any more grandchildren or step-grandchildren and treat them all the same. But I do look for long-dead DH’s features and traits in my blood descendants, and it makes me happy to see his legacy.

Wow what a sad post, I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say except that I feel sorry for your children, you and your husband. How can she not see that these children will always be her son's children.

I would try to remove myself emotionally from this woman. She has no place in your heart or in your family's life.

Because you need to tell the children.

What a horrible bitch. Why have you allowed this?

Why on Earth would you tell her you used donor sperm?
That's nobody's business but yours!
( speaking from experience here)

I think you are right not to trust her, she is obviously one of those people who are happy to pick people up and drop them as the mood takes them. And this will inevitably hurt your children (and of course you and your DH).
It doesn't necessarily mean going NC, but as others have suggested, I would maintain a distance - she has declared she has no grandchildren, so I would have the children call her 'Mary' or whatever her name is. treat her as a rather eccentric family 'friend' who is a bit flaky and blows hot and cold, so as they get older your children know if she stops bothering with them it is not anything they have done but due to her oddness.

Ultimately it is her loss, she is playing silly games with a precious relationship, which would be such a huge joy in her life if she weren't so ridiculous.

Congratulations on your wonderful children after what I am sure was a long and emotional journey. You sound like a lovely family, and your MIL is a fool

Yes, sometimes context provides some answers; awful still, of course, so sorry OP.
@Motherinlawisanightmare