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AIBU?

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Original poster

MiL won't accept grandchildren conceived using donor sperm

321 replies

Motherinlawisanightmare · 05/05/2023 09:24

Hi
DH and I had to use donor sperm via ivf to create our wonderful family.

MiL has always been insensitive about dh infertility - making comments about brother in law needing to start family and not supporting us through ivf miscarriages etc.

Babies (twins) finally arrived and was very obvious she didn't feel they were her grandchildren. Although legally, due to biology she didnt percieve them to be her sons children and her grandchildren. While holding our precious babies she would continue to ask brother in law when is he going to have babies etc talking to everyone about when he has children what good dad he will be etc. Not ever making real effort with our kids.

Bro in law has split with long term girlfriend and has said children aren't for him. She is "heartbroken" she won't have any grandchildren!

We have spoken to her about these comments. I made it very clear how hurtful they are and that there are two children who adore her so get her act together.

Although I feel now they are 4 years old, and given bro in law situation, she may finally be turning a corner, I am so angry and hurt I just don't know how I will get over all the comments and insensitivity especially some of the comments while I had our gorgeous baby twinnies in my arms and full of joy. I feel she robbed/ tainted some very precious times with the stress she caused.

AIBU? Should I just forgive and forget.

How dare she essentially reject our babies and treat dh horribly for the first 4 years of their life and now act like doting granny as nothing "better" coming!

OP posts:
Simianwalk · 05/05/2023 09:58

I never had a granny figure in my life and it has in no way hampered me. I would go very low contact.

Suprima · 05/05/2023 10:00

PsychoHotSauce · 05/05/2023 09:32

The BiL could make this situation worse. If she begrudgingly accepts your DC as her "only" grandchildren and 5 years down the line he has a child, yours will be ignored and it'll hurt them a lot.

Agreed.

and he will have children.

these men who dump ‘long term girlfriends’ always do.

I’ll bet he’ll be engaged or married with a baby on the way in 2 years

So don’t put your gorgeous DC through that

marrymeadam · 05/05/2023 10:00

I have 2 biological children and an adopted child. My MIL and SIL treated my adopted child differently because they werent her 'grandchild'. I havent spoken to them in 12 years.

CoozudBoyuPuak · 05/05/2023 10:01

I don't think you have been putting your children's best interests first. How have they ever had the opportunity to get to "adore" someone who feels such contempt for them? You need to be protecting your children by not putting them into a situation where they will get incredibly hurt when this woman rejects them.

Fifi0 · 05/05/2023 10:05

Devils advocate but she's probably old so donor sperm and IVF wasn't around then. She sounds like a terrible woman but yes 4 years is a long time for her to not get her head around the biology thing. Biology is incredibly important to some people. I'd stop pushing for a relationship its damaging for your DC. If BIL has a biological child your DC will probably get dropped.
I personally wouldn't be able to use donor eggs or sperm because I'd view it as not my child or related to me. Some people don't feel they are capable.

Gtsr443 · 05/05/2023 10:09

Nah - she wouldn't be getting anywhere near my kids.
God knows what she might say to them later on.

user1492757084 · 05/05/2023 10:11

You are right to be terribly upset. How awful for your husband.
Don't blame yourselves but you also are not her so can't understand her feelings, though her mean behaviour is out of line..
You can't change how a person feels.
She has to do the changing.
She will only change with exposure to the children and by developing a relationship with them.
I hope she becomes kinder, for your husband's sake and for that reason I would not cut her out.

Cherish your time as parents and hold on to the fond early memories that MIL will not have.
Is your BIL a good and loving Uncle?

He might not want kids now but also might have infertility problems too so nothing is certain.

KimberleyClark · 05/05/2023 10:17

Greenissle · 05/05/2023 09:37

I wouldn't have even shared the information that it wasn't his biological children, why tell people that.

Because at some point the children need and have a right to know, and if no one around them knows the knowledge will be a burden for them.

LateNightsByTheLake · 05/05/2023 10:18

I would struggle if my children used donor sperm/eggs as I don’t agree with it. I have a friend who was conceived using a sperm donor and it’s been hard for her to cope with and caused a lot of issues in her family.

I wouldn’t act like your MIL, but I would struggle to feel ok with it and it may be hard to hide. You can’t make her feel the way you would like her to but she needs to do better if she wants a good relationship with you all. It sounds like things have improved. If you feel you can’t forgive and forget, that’s your right.

Turfwars · 05/05/2023 10:20

When someone tells you who they are - pay attention. Please stop forcing a relationship with Granny on your kids - she will hurt them when she rejects them and it's as clear as day that it will happen.

Not quite the same thing, but DM treats my child very differently to my sister's children. I'm the family scapegoat and sister is the golden child and when it began to become apparent to us that my sister's kids were getting the big expensive birthday and Christmas gifts from Nana but DS was getting a shitty poundshop toy, and after a ridiculous Christmas where 8 yo DS got household utensils and his cousins got Switch games we decided to let DM's lack of interest in our DS drift naturally away.

It's worked nicely - she hasn't even noticed that DS rarely comes with me to visit (DH stopped long ago) and you know what, she doesn't even care - and neither does he. He had a lovely nana on the other side for years and saw the difference in how he was treated between the two grandmothers - but he doesn't and won't have any idea that he's treated very differently to his cousins until he's old enough to understand that he's not in any way to blame - he already sees that DM is critical and difficult with me so thinks she's like that with everyone and happily steers clear.

Advicerequest · 05/05/2023 10:20

my worry would be that your children are an age where they may pick up on this negativity and for this reason I would keep the children at a polite distance from your MIL (with your husbands agreement) and also explain why to her eg these are our children and if you can't accept thst then to protect them it's best you don't have a relationship with them.
im so sorry for your husband too. She is insensitive and cruel.

user1471556818 · 05/05/2023 10:20

I wouldn't be worrying about her tbh
I would also not be making any effort to have a relationship with her nor put any effort into encouraging one with my children
Her loss long term as long as kids have loving people around them they will be fine as well

KimberleyClark · 05/05/2023 10:21

Biology is incredibly important to some people.

Someone I know who became a grandmother recently said it was as if her body knew and recognised the baby.

Lampzade · 05/05/2023 10:22

I don’t know why you put your dc through this
My dbro’s wife had a daughter before marrying my brother .
My mother adores this child and treats her exactly the same as her other grandchildren.
I could never have a relationship with someone who treated my children like second class citizens

GeorgeGerald · 05/05/2023 10:22

She just sounds nasty. I wouldn't be going out of my way to include her in my kids lives.
I would just start to never mention her to your DH - never suggest anything, just drop the rope with her. Grey rock if you need to around when DH sees her/organises something and low expectations.

diddl · 05/05/2023 10:24

How dare she essentially reject our babies and treat dh horribly for the first 4 years of their life and now act like doting granny as nothing "better" coming!

Because you have let her by trying to force a relationship that she doesn't want.

Why I have no idea at all.

Sandra1984 · 05/05/2023 10:26

I would have cut out that woman from my life, not only because she’s an absolute cow but because having someone like that around my babies would’ve toxic for them. They deserve love.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 05/05/2023 10:28

Yabu to have allowed her to spend time around them. I would never have tolerated that and neither would my husband. The less you see of the poisonous old hag the better. Your kids are not second best.

SVRT19674 · 05/05/2023 10:28

Im afraid you overshared. Never share if your child is egg donor or sperm donor or both. I didn´t. It is part of your privacy but also of your child´s privacy. How can she be so nasty to her own child. I would have nothing to do with her really.

Kpo58 · 05/05/2023 10:29

I would stop trying to push a relationship between your kids and your mil. She sees them as step children as they have no blood relationship between them and your DH.

If you were to separate, then it's possible that you could block contact between your DC and DH due to the lack of blood connection and perhaps she doesn't want to get hurt if that were to happen.

wildfirewonder · 05/05/2023 10:29

I would minimise contact, her views are toxic and you have to protect your children.

StBernie · 05/05/2023 10:32

I can’t believe some people are actually suggesting they shouldn’t have told MIL about the donor sperm. Most people would share this kind of thing with family (and in many cases friends). It’s not some sort of dirty secret.

Changedmymindtoday · 05/05/2023 10:32

LTB - leave the bitch (and never speak to her again)

Holidaymoo · 05/05/2023 10:34

StBernie · 05/05/2023 10:32

I can’t believe some people are actually suggesting they shouldn’t have told MIL about the donor sperm. Most people would share this kind of thing with family (and in many cases friends). It’s not some sort of dirty secret.

I agree!!! It should be normalised to the children, never a secret. The damage done to people who are lied to about their genetics can be horrendous

NameGameChange · 05/05/2023 10:34

My parents are similar to your MIL OP, and they would absolutely have spoken to me like that in a similar situation. I have been low contact for a number of years for my own sanity. I have a child whom they see about 2-3 times a year, closely supervised by me and they get short thrift if any unpleasant comments are made. We are so much happier as a family without their regular involvement.

As the child of such a toxic parent, your DH will need to move on from "wanting his mum in his life" to the extent that she is. There is an element of people-pleasing going on from your DH, and perpetual hope that his mother will change. This is completely normal on his part but he will feel better if he can change his mindset. His mother will not change. She is set in this way of thinking and it can only lead to hurt and disappointment. No amount of rushing her to be better will make it true.

Unfortunately the sad truth is that some of us don't have the parents we deserved, and nothing will change that. What matters is that he breaks this cycle and doesn't allow her malign influence to impact on your beautiful children.