Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

MiL won't accept grandchildren conceived using donor sperm

321 replies

Motherinlawisanightmare · 05/05/2023 09:24

Hi
DH and I had to use donor sperm via ivf to create our wonderful family.

MiL has always been insensitive about dh infertility - making comments about brother in law needing to start family and not supporting us through ivf miscarriages etc.

Babies (twins) finally arrived and was very obvious she didn't feel they were her grandchildren. Although legally, due to biology she didnt percieve them to be her sons children and her grandchildren. While holding our precious babies she would continue to ask brother in law when is he going to have babies etc talking to everyone about when he has children what good dad he will be etc. Not ever making real effort with our kids.

Bro in law has split with long term girlfriend and has said children aren't for him. She is "heartbroken" she won't have any grandchildren!

We have spoken to her about these comments. I made it very clear how hurtful they are and that there are two children who adore her so get her act together.

Although I feel now they are 4 years old, and given bro in law situation, she may finally be turning a corner, I am so angry and hurt I just don't know how I will get over all the comments and insensitivity especially some of the comments while I had our gorgeous baby twinnies in my arms and full of joy. I feel she robbed/ tainted some very precious times with the stress she caused.

AIBU? Should I just forgive and forget.

How dare she essentially reject our babies and treat dh horribly for the first 4 years of their life and now act like doting granny as nothing "better" coming!

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 05/05/2023 20:50

phoenixrosehere · 05/05/2023 20:50

Agree. Others seem to have assumed it was about ethics and then ran with it. For all we know, the BIL is simply the golden child and it wouldn’t have mattered if the OP’s DH had the children naturally. She might have ignored them anyway if BIL had children. Isn’t completely unheard of here.

Show quote history

*their children

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 05/05/2023 20:53

TheDogsArse · 05/05/2023 20:36

Crazy thread.

It was your first post I think, but it was likely that you were talking about me as you did @ me in the same post and you were pissed at my opinion. 🤣

I didn’t care that you appeared to call me a cunt. No hissy fit from me, it was you that lost control and had a fit. Mumsnet didn’t like it though as it’s been deleted. I’m all for posts bring left to stand.

Show quote history

I think you think you sound nonchalant, but you’re posting over and over to a poster who is totally unphased by you, just doesn’t agree with you.

TheDogsArse · 05/05/2023 20:56

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 05/05/2023 20:53

I think you think you sound nonchalant, but you’re posting over and over to a poster who is totally unphased by you, just doesn’t agree with you.

Show quote history

I’ve only just come back on the thread. 😅

Rosscameasdoody · 05/05/2023 21:08

Quoronation · 05/05/2023 20:07

Not to your face

Show quote history

Utterly uncalled for and worthy of an apology.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 05/05/2023 21:44

Rosscameasdoody · 05/05/2023 21:08

Utterly uncalled for and worthy of an apology.

Show quote history

I agree. What a shitty remark from @Quoronation. This thread is bleak.

Quoronation · 05/05/2023 21:57

Rosscameasdoody · 05/05/2023 21:08

Utterly uncalled for and worthy of an apology.

Show quote history

I didn't mean it in a shitty way so I apologise that I probably should have expanded. No one is going to speculate that to someone's face. It would be rude.

Pallisers · 05/05/2023 23:20

I suppose we were all a bit gobsmacked, Quoronation, at the idea that if a child doesn't look like its father at birth people would actually speculate that it wasn't the man's child. I can't get my head around that people would actually think that. It isn't like a copy machine you know. babies and children can look nothing like their parents.

Still on the scale of things to be gobsmacked about on this thread, that was way down.

Matildalamp · 06/05/2023 00:57

Agree with everything @CuriousGeorge80 said! This is a horrible thread, I’m sorry people are so cruel OP.

Fifi0 · 06/05/2023 01:14

I do think the MIL is a horrible person, she might have her own personal feelings but you bury that / have counselling because you love your DC and it would hurt them. She's being deliberately awful and her son must be so hurt. I have my own views on donor conception but how this woman treats her own offspring and the DC he has CHOSEN to parent is awful.

Lampzade · 06/05/2023 03:48

CuriousGeorge80 · 05/05/2023 20:11

@LateNightsByTheLake - The post that was deleted was my first post, I hadn’t been arguing with anybody, you are talking nonsense. I came on to offer support to the OP and noted that some people were being cruel (and shock horror I used the term cunts). It wasn’t aimed at anybody specific, I wasn’t in an argument with anybody. Please stop twisting things.

There are posts discussing the ethics of donor sperm and eggs quite frequently on MN. I don’t go on them as I know that there will be aspects that I find offensive, so I avoid them. This post was not one of those. It requires absolutely no debate about the ethics of donor usage. It required advice on how to manage her MIL, and support for her distress.

Honestly, I cannot get my head around people who simultaneously lecture others about needing to be resilient enough to accept others have differing views while being incapable of accepting others defending differing views. It’s mind boggling. I don’t care in the slightest that you and others have views that differ to mine. I care that people have intentionally come into a post to cause increased distress to a woman looking for support. To drive her out of her own post. And then they have a hissy fit when called out as being bullies. The hypocrisy is just mind blowing.

Just to say I won’t be replying to you further as you clearly are focused on diverting attention from the behaviour of those people by obsessing on the use of the term cunt. Lesson learned by me. Have a good night.

This

Lampzade · 06/05/2023 04:03

I commented in the first few pages where much of the focus was on supporting the Op who was obviously hurt by her MIil’s attitude and wanted advice on how to handle the situation .
The thread has now deteriorated and has turned into a discussion about the ethics of egg/ sperm donation.
I think that those who are unable to love a child simply because the child is not biologically related to them are not the type of people that I would want to associate with .

Northernsouloldies · 06/05/2023 04:14

The mil doesn't support her own son. I imagine it would have been hard to come to terms with using a sperm doner. Now that op twins are here they are treated as 2nd rate humans. The mil must have a heart of stone. Personally it would be low contact and I don't think your Dh op will ever gain his mum's approval.

Northernsouloldies · 06/05/2023 07:12
  • donor.
Quoronation · 06/05/2023 07:33

Pallisers · 05/05/2023 23:20

I suppose we were all a bit gobsmacked, Quoronation, at the idea that if a child doesn't look like its father at birth people would actually speculate that it wasn't the man's child. I can't get my head around that people would actually think that. It isn't like a copy machine you know. babies and children can look nothing like their parents.

Still on the scale of things to be gobsmacked about on this thread, that was way down.

Yes I'm sorry, its not something I would personally think but I do know people who have speculated away from the couple. It isn't nice no, but it happens. Usually from people who don't understand 1. Genetics and 2. It's none of their beeswax.

monsteramunch · 06/05/2023 08:54

@Quoronation

Yes I'm sorry, its not something I would personally think but I do know people who have speculated away from the couple. It isn't nice no, but it happens. Usually from people who don't understand 1. Genetics and 2. It's none of their beeswax.

If you think the above, why did you say the below about a child not looking like their father?

She would have been able to tell when they were born. They wouldn't have looked a thing like him.

You're arse covering now when you absolutely did state that someone would be 'able to tell' a man wasn't the biological father of a baby when they were born, by the child not looking like them. Very odd.

Quoronation · 06/05/2023 09:00

monsteramunch · 06/05/2023 08:54

@Quoronation

Yes I'm sorry, its not something I would personally think but I do know people who have speculated away from the couple. It isn't nice no, but it happens. Usually from people who don't understand 1. Genetics and 2. It's none of their beeswax.

If you think the above, why did you say the below about a child not looking like their father?

She would have been able to tell when they were born. They wouldn't have looked a thing like him.

You're arse covering now when you absolutely did state that someone would be 'able to tell' a man wasn't the biological father of a baby when they were born, by the child not looking like them. Very odd.

Well yeah but I wouldn't be speculating on who was the biological dad/mum. But it's natural to be like humm I wonder which parent the baby takes after etc. Its not odd.

monsteramunch · 06/05/2023 09:12

@Quoronation

Well yeah but I wouldn't be speculating on who was the biological dad/mum. But it's natural to be like humm I wonder which parent the baby takes after etc. Its not odd.

It is really odd to think that if a child doesn't look like one of their parents, they probably aren't related to them. It really is.

Thinking 'I wonder who they will look like more' is different to 'they don't look like their dad, so I can tell he isn't related'. You said the latter was true. That if a baby doesn't look like the dad when they're born, someone is 'able to tell' he isn't the biological father. I stand by that being really, really odd. And showing a lack of any awareness of biology.

Quoronation · 06/05/2023 12:24

monsteramunch · 06/05/2023 09:12

@Quoronation

Well yeah but I wouldn't be speculating on who was the biological dad/mum. But it's natural to be like humm I wonder which parent the baby takes after etc. Its not odd.

It is really odd to think that if a child doesn't look like one of their parents, they probably aren't related to them. It really is.

Thinking 'I wonder who they will look like more' is different to 'they don't look like their dad, so I can tell he isn't related'. You said the latter was true. That if a baby doesn't look like the dad when they're born, someone is 'able to tell' he isn't the biological father. I stand by that being really, really odd. And showing a lack of any awareness of biology.

Ok

ZoeCM · 06/05/2023 12:37

I can't believe some posters are saying the OP and her husband shouldn't have told her mother-in-law that they used a sperm donor! They'll have to tell the children while they're still quite young, so that they grow up never knowing any different. If they told the kids never to mention it in front of their grandparents, it would sent the message that it was something to be ashamed of.

Redbone · 06/05/2023 12:55

I know that it has been said already but your MIL is an absolute bitch. I would not let her have access to your children and simply cut her out of your life.

SchoolTripDrama · 06/05/2023 13:15

almostwarm · 05/05/2023 16:00

To be fair the UK has the legal view that children should remain with their kin wherever possible and social workers are charged with trying to ensure this.
It often isn't possible hence fostering and adoption but it is also the first option to consider.

This is a valid point that seems to be forgotten. It may be unpopular but it's true

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread