MiL won't accept grandchildren conceived using donor sperm

[Motherinlawisanightmare]

Hi
DH and I had to use donor sperm via ivf to create our wonderful family.

MiL has always been insensitive about dh infertility - making comments about brother in law needing to start family and not supporting us through ivf miscarriages etc.

Babies (twins) finally arrived and was very obvious she didn't feel they were her grandchildren. Although legally, due to biology she didnt percieve them to be her sons children and her grandchildren. While holding our precious babies she would continue to ask brother in law when is he going to have babies etc talking to everyone about when he has children what good dad he will be etc. Not ever making real effort with our kids.

Bro in law has split with long term girlfriend and has said children aren't for him. She is "heartbroken" she won't have any grandchildren!

We have spoken to her about these comments. I made it very clear how hurtful they are and that there are two children who adore her so get her act together.

Although I feel now they are 4 years old, and given bro in law situation, she may finally be turning a corner, I am so angry and hurt I just don't know how I will get over all the comments and insensitivity especially some of the comments while I had our gorgeous baby twinnies in my arms and full of joy. I feel she robbed/ tainted some very precious times with the stress she caused.

AIBU? Should I just forgive and forget.

How dare she essentially reject our babies and treat dh horribly for the first 4 years of their life and now act like doting granny as nothing "better" coming!

I'd be going no contact, she either accepts the bairns as her grandchildren or I'd be washing my hands of her. Your family comes as package, not who she picks and chooses.
My baby was conceived via egg donor, only me and partner know this because I could imagine my father being the same as your mil, I've already had it up to here with the " made us wait long enough" comments to anybody he can say it to any chance he gets , he doesn't know about 16 years of infertility, it takes a MASSIVE amount of restraint to not let loose on him.

Because you need to tell the children

Nobody's suggesting that you don't tell the children.

I do think I would feel differently about grandchildren that were not biologically connected to me but would do my absolute best not to show it. It's not wrong for somebody to feel like this but showing it is another matter.

Well the children will tell other people! So best everyone knows.

And the children's.

I know some of my friends and relatives have more complex IVF histories, and I am aware some of closer relations don't know.

wow she’s beyond nasty, I would certainly go no contact, you need to cut her out of your children’s lives,she will only get worse

Sone of these posts are ridiculous. If some of you bothered to read, OP’s DH told his mum about the infertility issues.

Constantly on threads, posters talk about the mother/son bond and how lovely/strong it can be yet it is wrong for a son to tell his own mum about his health issues. She may be a difficult woman and I personally would have gone LC from the beginning but that is still his mother.

I feel she robbed/ tainted some very precious times with the stress she caused.

SHE is the person who feels robbed and disappointed, whose emotions are tainted. Recognise them as her feelings; not yours, and don't let them inside your head.

Nothing she can do , say, think, can ever change the love and joy you and your husband take in your children.

What an awful woman!

I would cut her out. She is toxic as is anyone who shares her appalling view that only biological children count. Disgusting.

Don’t get excited
she has shown her true colours
when bil meets a woman who wants a baby ,it will all start again ,and your children will be dropped like a hot potato.
she wouldn’t be getting Anywhere near kids of mine .
why are u even giving her time of day

That is a heartbreaking way to go on. I know of a little one conceived through donor sperm for the same reasons and there has never ever been a question about who his “dad” is and acceptance into the family. I’d give MIL a wide berth.

It was completely the right thing to do, OP. No way should you hide that the kids are DC: the kids will think it's something they should be ashamed. Are they meant to grow up fearing telling granny in case she loves them less?

How your husband is with these children? That is more important than his mum

If my kids used donors it would change my relationship with them. They know my views on donor sperm/eggs and I wouldn’t magically come around because the babies were put in front of me. It wouldn’t be about biology for me, as I wouldn’t struggle if my children chose to adopt, it’s about the ethics of using donors.

In your MILs position, it sounds like it is about biology and she can’t help how she feels. I would however, just take a step back rather than behaving how she has.

You were right to be open with the in-laws and it was worth trying to see if the tangible adorable babies changed her attitude but now you need to reassess as your kids are listening and understanding to the rubbish she spouts. I would be strongly push for visits to be by DH alone. She can’t possibly object as they ‘aren’t her grandchildren’.

She sounds utterly hideous. Your poor DH. How can she possibly be so insensitive and crass to her own son.
Tbh I wouldn't want someone like that anywhere near your children.
How does DH get on with his dad. How does his dad respond to this awful behaviour by his mum?
Congratulations on your lovely family.

Its the children business. My kids knew they were donor conceived and by four they were telling other people in reception at school. It's their information to share. You absolutely can't tell kids not to tell other people particularly close relatives with whom they have a relationship (although that said when we visited Muslim friends in Islamic countries I explained that their religion was against donor conception and so best not to share it with random strangers while on that turf in case it made things complicated)

She's toxic and, to be honest, your children will be better off without her in your lives.

We have a different situation, but DH also contemplated going no contact with his mum, but didn't. I really wish he had, she has never put herself out for us and has been horrible over the years. She's now in her 90s and we are locked into doing increasing amounts for her. I really resent it.

Well you sound lovely @TheDogsArse

Why on earth would you want your lovely children to have a relationship with someone like sees them as lesser than her potential other future grandchildren? They deserve better than that.

But you would respect your son's decision to use donor sperm, right, even if you personally do not agree with the ethics of it? You wouldn't expect him NOT to have a family of his own just because YOU don't agree with it?

And you wouldn't reject the resulting children?

Totally understand the fact that some people, like you @TheDogsArse, might not agree with the ethics of gamete donation - ie would not choose it themselves. But to hold it against their ADULT children (who are entitled to make their own life decisions), judge them for it and say it out loud is just mean, nasty and selfish.

@TheDogsArse So you would want your daughter, say, to be denied the chance of carrying her own child because her beloved DH suffered from infertility - with all the pain that causes on both sides? Even though sperm donors give full consent? And children of donors now have the right to more information?

If yes, I think that is very cruel.

I haven’t been rude. I just don’t think donor sperm/eggs are ethical.

I’ve said I wouldn’t behave like OPs MIL. That would be unfair as your children are entitled to live their own lives and make their own choices. I don’t have to agree with them.

What a cow. It's ok for her to think whatever she wants and feel whatever she feels about the situation but it's not ok to ever say it. Keep her at a distance