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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't ok in a marriage?

304 replies

Cloud991 · 03/05/2023 20:42

I'm really struggling with my dh's behaviour... All sorts of things but this is about our finances. I have no experience of how other married couples sort out finances so I don't know if this is normal...

Every month, my dh makes me pay a certain amount of what I earn into our joint account to go towards bills, whatever's left I can keep. The issue is I'm self employed and income can vary but he never cuts me any slack and will remind me how much I owe etc. If we buy anything else, he reminds me to send over my half towards it and if this isn't done quickly, he will nag me in a nasty way for it. Even the rest of the money I have after I've paid my share of the bills, he passes judgement on anything I buy and when he comes home from work, the first thing he does is to go round the house to check if I've bought anything. I feel very stressed all the time. Is this a normal set up because I feel like it's not ok but he says it is.

OP posts:
3BSHKATS · 04/05/2023 19:12

You want separate finances and each to contribute fairly? Then the man should pay what you would pay a surrogate to carry and give birth to a child - £100k plus where it is legal to pay a surrogate. Childcare costs - half of what a nanny would cost. Half of what a cleaner and cook would cost. But these men never do this.

We actually did a survey based on this for a HR dissertation. Asked men what they would be prepared to offer as compensation for pregnancy, birth and the first 6 months of their children's lives - all respondents were fathers so couldn't claim ignorance as to what the process involved.
Not one response was over £5,000
Most were zero, if having children "cost" them anything, they weren't interested.

wentworthinmate · 04/05/2023 19:14

Stop paying into the joint account today! Pay selected bills and/or buy food. Yes make a contribution but DO NOT let him bully you into paying into HIS account. What on earth was he like when you were dating, did you always pay half then? He needs help.

Original poster
Cloud991 · 04/05/2023 19:16

I split up with him in the summer but ended up taking him back because I panicked and a number of things were really difficult for me to manage on my own. And now I feel more stuck than ever. I'm constantly doubting myself and think maybe I'm being unreasonable.
Also is it weird that whenever I go into another room in the hosie he says 'bye' to me multiple times ...it makes me feel really uncomfortable and I don't know how to respond.

OP posts:
TerfIngOnTheBeach · 04/05/2023 19:21

You work part time, do all the drudge, child care and domestics and pay half? Give your head a wobble.

LTFB, take your maintenance, let’s see some fairness in this relationship.

Hayliebells · 04/05/2023 19:21

How far off being possible to manage, are these things that were difficult to manage when you separated? That's what I'd put all my energy into, getting myself in a position where it's possible to leave, then leaving asap. Your DH sounds like a controlling bully, and ime (my father was similar), men like that won't change. The only thing to be done is to leave.

Toomanylatenightprogs · 04/05/2023 19:22

Also is it weird that whenever I go into another room in the hosie he says 'bye' to me multiple times ...it makes me feel really uncomfortable and I don't know how to respond.

As if he’s dismissing you, or giving you permission to leave.
He really is horribly abusive @Cloud991 , emotionally, financially.
Suggest you contact Women’s Aid, speak to them then work through your plan to leave. Your husband is not going to get any better, and your life could be so much better without him.

3BSHKATS · 04/05/2023 19:23

Cloud991 · 04/05/2023 19:16

I split up with him in the summer but ended up taking him back because I panicked and a number of things were really difficult for me to manage on my own. And now I feel more stuck than ever. I'm constantly doubting myself and think maybe I'm being unreasonable.
Also is it weird that whenever I go into another room in the hosie he says 'bye' to me multiple times ...it makes me feel really uncomfortable and I don't know how to respond.

I disagree with those say pick bills and food and buy that instead of paying into the joint account - if you get divorced you need evidence you contributed to the mortgage.
We split over covid and I couldn't access a previously closed account from which I'd paid the mortgage for 5 years. Ex told the judge I'd just paid for the kids clothes, toys and food and the odd bill for 15 years and SHE believed him.

"Just" the children's costs counts for nothing, make sure you are paying towards the assets.

Original poster
Cloud991 · 04/05/2023 19:28

We don't have a mortgage ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Cloud991 · 04/05/2023 19:29

@Toomanylatenightprogs thanks I will look into contacting them

OP posts:
FootieMama · 04/05/2023 19:32

Well, this could be written: My husband wants me to contribute with a fixed monthly amount to the household's bills. I am unresponsible and sometimes don't pay in time and expend my money instead on things for myself. My husbands looks around for things I buy and try to his from him. Of course he maybe financially abusive but it depends a lot of wether you are responsible with money and not a liability that wants to be financed by his.

Sceptre86 · 04/05/2023 19:33

Many people will have different set ups. So some will have a joint account into which both incomes go and everything is split down the middle. Some will have joint accounts for bills, some will have completely separate finances. It's not other people's set up that is important, it's how you feel about yours. This upsets you so isn't the way forward. Also checking what purchases you make isn't normal. He comes across as stingy and controlling which are unpleasant character traits. If you need a more reliable income op then look for part time work that would suit you. Appreciate you might have to make compromises but surely there is better out there for you than this.

Conkersinautumn · 04/05/2023 19:33

Yeah my EX used to go on about what I owed for the mortgage when I was contributing less in my maternity leave, whilst he didn't buy a single item of baby items. Funnily enough I found myself cutting my maternity short because I'd shot through my savings much quicker than I'd planned for. I then paid childcare. The trouble is with this sort is once their gone you won't see a penny either, they don't give a shit what happens to your kids and my ex tried to fuck me over on the house sale too. Be very careful with paperwork now.

Viviennemary · 04/05/2023 19:38

Depends what your contibution is. Can you afford to be self-employed.

dementedmummy · 04/05/2023 19:41

So a couple of things from a fellow self employed person....
*Self employed is like having a job with none of the perks - no holiday pay, no employee contribution to pension and no sick pay and a wing on a prayer for what you bring in every month

  • Does he pay half of what he earns into the joint account? If not, what you are experiencing is at best a control freak DH and at worst financial abuse with gaslighting about usage of funds *Desperation for money smacks to me of financial trouble on your dh's part. Do you see mail coming in? Are there reminders about bills? Is he actually using your money to pay the bills or is he doing something else like gambling, matched betting, bitcoin etc so is always playing catch up and that is why he is always chasing you so his lies cannot be uncovered?
  • In any event, this isn't working. We always did a percentage basis of earnings for contribution to bills with me taking the higher amount to contribute when he went part time to look after our kids when I went back to work. Best of luck x
sassyclassyandsmartassy · 04/05/2023 19:44

Get out of this relationship and quickly! This is financial abuse. I had a relationship like this once (except I was the main earner and he would try to control my money).

My DH and I are very relaxed about money. We pay into the joint account (me slightly more as I am still main earner wage earner), but if we go out and spend our money whoever just pays and let’s it go, it all basically comes in and out of the ‘household’. If I need cash because I haven’t got any on me he’ll just give me it out of his wallet and vice versa, we just don’t really think about it. Same with anything his son wants/needs, I will pay if I want to get it for him…

Money can be the route of all evil if it’s a ‘thing’ in a relationship, it’s a non negotiable that you both have to be on the same page about!

3BSHKATS · 04/05/2023 19:46

Cloud991 · 04/05/2023 19:28

We don't have a mortgage ...

Do you have any assets that would be split in the event of divorce ?

FairyUpLiquid · 04/05/2023 19:50

Rumplestrumpet · 03/05/2023 21:17

Oh OP I see so many threads on here like this and it's never fair. Esp when the woman works part time to care for the child - of course you earn less and should contribute less- and be compensated for the work you do as "free" childcare.

You need to sit down together, look at earnings and shared outgoings (including everything for the child) and agree a fair division. And then what you spend out of your own money is no one's business as long as its not harmful to the family.

But this may not solve the problem if he is, as it appears, a nasty controlling man....

This will bells on!

This is absolutely financial abuse and I’d remind him that as you are married finances and assets would be split 50/50 during a divorce unless in extreme circumstances but you provide essential care for a sick child so he can earn his high wage. You get to spend your hard earned money on what you want after bills and if you’re able to without the threat of fear I’d be putting my foot down. The fact he goes around the house to check for the things you’ve brought is absolutely mental.

REignbow · 04/05/2023 19:56

He is emotionally and financially abusing you.

You realise that when he says bye or goes through the house looking for purchases this is coercive control? Any time you want to discuss the set up he says that you are starting a fight is manipulation and gaslighting?

Have you got any real life support? Could you move in with a relative?

You really need to separate. For good this time

Puckthemagicdragon · 04/05/2023 20:01

Start getting on his case. A few choice remarks at things he has bought and I'm sure he'll soon back off

Catsandallthingscrazy · 04/05/2023 20:03

I've just left a relationship like this as asmwell as everything else it's economic/ financial abuse ! Sadly in my case he was also domestically abusive ( yes occasionally violent ) so slightly different. But this is NOT normal and very much should be interpreted by you as ecomonoc abuse !

Pleezgivemestrength · 04/05/2023 20:03

This is oh so not normal. This is controlling and abusive . Why on earth did you marry this dick. I'm not married, thank god, but in the 13 years together we respect and trust each other. Why on earth do you allow yourself to be treated like this. Do you have kids? Is there a reason why you stay with him. If not, get out. I dont know you , but I am sure that you are worth more than this. ...x

Skodacool · 04/05/2023 20:04

Cloud991 · 04/05/2023 18:26

Thanks for all your replies. He's very obsessed with money. I tried to talk to him today and he shuts me out saying I'm always trying to pick a fight. I'm always the unreasonable one, nothing I ever do will be good enough in his eyes because I don't work full time.

He tells you that you’re always trying to pick a fight because he’s incapable of making his case rationally. He’s abusing you.

Strawberrydelight78 · 04/05/2023 20:05

Control freak I had one of them. I got out best thing I ever did.

Batalax · 04/05/2023 20:08

So what has he done with all his extra money if you pay half?
You are entitled to half his savings. Copy any statements etc before you go.

Mummabear89 · 04/05/2023 20:08

This might be financial abuse. My ex was the same with me on top of physically and s£xually abusive. I was the one who was employed because he didn't want to work but he got benefits to help him. He saw my earnings as his and I was never allowed to buy anything for myself. Didn't matter if my clothes were falling apart, I was told to mend them myself. It sounds like you feel scared, you need to get out of this relationship and leave. Seek help from your local council and explain what is happening to you. They may put you and your child in protected housing for a period but thats surely better than being scared of your partner? It is not normal behaviour and you should be able to spend your leftover money how you want to.